


The Somewhat Cracked Mind of Uchiha Itachi

by Kereea



Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Comedy, Fix-It, Fluff and Crack, I mean I freaking redeemed Mizuki that should tell you how crazy it gets, Multi, This fic is insanity in full form people
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-09
Updated: 2017-06-18
Packaged: 2018-07-22 10:55:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 37
Words: 85,118
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7434022
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kereea/pseuds/Kereea
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AU: Itachi didn’t kill the clan, instead he and his friends are teaching the next generation to drive them and Konoha crazy. Won’t that be fun?</p><p>(that's right kids, the epic fic is coming to AO3 too!)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue: In Which There Was Barbeque

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So if anyone's wondering, this started around the time that the Naruto manga was just getting PAINFULLY depressing and I decided "screw it, I'm writing a massive comedy to make myself feel better." This is the result, a fic that adores Rule of Cool and Comedy over angst at all times. Have fun!

Itachi was pretty sure the restaurant both loved and hated their group by now. They spent a lot of money (Kisame alone could eat enough for two households, and Gai and Iruka tended to eat quite a bit too), so they were loved. They were rather rowdy, so they were hated. Simple.

 “Oi, Itachi, tell sharkface to stop stealing all the pork!” Anko yelled.

 “That’s what you get for hogging the sushi, snake-witch!” Kisame teased before going back to stuffing himself.

 Anko lunged across the table, Kurenai and Gai grabbing her before she landed on the grill in the middle. Gai sighed, “Now, now, attacking our comrades over food is not—Kakashi put that dastardly book away!”

 Kakashi almost stabbed the other jonin with a fork when Gai went to grab it. “Don’t touch the book.”

 Iruka just dropped his head on his arms and groaned, “Come on, people. We only do this once a month. Can’t we get along—ow!”

 “Sorry!” Kakashi apologized, still trying to defend his book from Gai. “Asuma, _stop him_!”

 “No way,” the bearded man said. “I think I’ll let you ‘eternal rivals’ handle this yourself.” He poured himself some sake and sat back to watch.

 As Kisame went to take the next serving of pork off the grill, Itachi quickly took it and gave it to Anko, while giving Kisame some of his sushi. “There. Don’t murder each other. I had enough of that on my mission.”

 Both of them stared at him, before taking their food and slumping back into their seats. Kurenai sipped her tea and looked at Itachi gratefully, “At least someone besides me is sane.”

 “Now who said anything about sanity?” Itachi asked, spearing a dumpling. “Now if you want sanity, I’m sure _Iruka_ can give you sanity.”

 “I’d rather have caffeine than sanity,” the new chunin sighed. “Do you have any idea how many tests you have to take to be an academy teacher? If I want to make it by next fall I won’t be able to sleep!”

 “You really want to teach those kids so bad?” Kisame asked. “Kids are nothing but trouble, well, besides Itachi’s brother, anyway, and even he has his moments.”

 “Oh he does?” Itachi asked. He’d been away on two long missions recently, and had given his “babysit Sasuke duties” to Kisame. Sasuke hadn’t seemed to mind too much, and Shisui was too exhausted defending his remaining eye lately to do it…good god Danzou needed a new hobby…

 “He almost set poor Samehada on fire!” Kisame said. “…By the way, you mom says he needs to learn fire control and she won’t make that desert you like until you help him. He also set the roof on fire, but don’t worry! I put it out by dumping some of the lake on it!”

 Itachi stared at him for a moment. So that was why his father had looked strained when mentioning that Kisame had taken Sasuke to school when Itachi had gotten home at lunch today.

 He loved his friends. They were all so interesting.

.o.o.o.

 “Oh, Itachi welcome…home,” his mother said. “Again?”

 “Kakashi and Asuma got oil everywhere and then at one point Anko stared tossing tea leaves at people,” Itachi said, casually plucking a few leaves out of his hair. “Is Sasuke already asleep?”

 “Yes, but you can take him to school in the morning,” Mikoto said. “I think you should go shower, and put those clothes right in the washer.”

 “Yes mother,” Itachi said, heading toward the bathroom he shared with Sasuke. He had neglected to mention to her that he’d also had raw chicken flung in his hair and it was going to need at least ten minutes of washing.

 “Itachi.”

 He stopped and turned, “Good evening, father.”

 “Why do you smell like raw meat?” Fugaku asked.

 “Because Gai and Kakashi decided to spar in the middle of dinner and it went downhill from there,” Itachi replied. “I also learned some very interesting facts about tea ceremonies from Kurenai.”

 “She’s the genjutsu specialist, yes?” Fugaku asked.

 “Yes. I heard she’ll be trying for jonin soon,” Itachi replied. “Excuse me, I need a shower.”

 Fugaku sighed, “Those ‘friends’ of yours…”

 Itachi huffed as he shut the bathroom door. What was wrong with his friends? Sure, they were rather…loud…and eccentric…and _loud_ …but they were good friends. Turning on the hot water, Itachi cleared his mind. He’d need a good night sleep if he wanted to get Sasuke to school on time.

.o.o.o.

 “And then the kunoichi teacher got drenched! It was awesome!” Sasuke said. “I think a lot of the girls liked it too. I know some of them were sick of flower arranging and junk. Oh, and Toru-sensei said he thinks I might be able to get bumped up a year or two, and-”

 “What!” Itachi said, startled. “What was that?”

 “Toru-sensei says I could skip two years. Maybe graduate when I’m ten,” Sasuke said.

 “Don’t,” Itachi said. There was no way he wanted his little brother to graduate at the end of next year. No way, no how.

  “W-why not?” Sasuke asked petulantly. “ _You_ graduated when you were seven! And when you were ten you were a chunin already!”

 “Yes, and I was an idiot for doing it,” Itachi said stiffly. “Remember when I took you to play with Iruka and Naruto last week?”

 “Yeah,” Sasuke said. It was hard to forget, since he, Itachi, and Naruto had ganged up on Iruka and doused him in paint.

 “I never got to do any of that,” Itachi said. “By the time I was seven I was taking missions. Remember how I never seemed to have time for you until last year?”

 “When you quit ANBU,” Sasuke said.

 “Right. I didn’t have any time at all. I spent all my free time with you, training, or sleeping,” Itachi said. “I was going to drive myself insane.”

 “You know, Naruto says you’re already insane,” Sasuke said.

 “You don’t get to use that. You beat him up when he said it, after all, “Itachi retorted. “Listen, I want you to promise me something, Sasuke. Don’t graduate early. You have some friends in your class, and you’ll make more. That’s more important than getting in an extra year of missions, all right?”

 Sasuke pouted, “Well fine, if it means so much to you…”

 Itachi smiled, “Thank you Sasuke.”

 “…You know, Kisame’s right. You are prettier than most girls! Especially when you smile!”

 “And your hair looks like the back end of a chicken. Now let’s get you to school so I can hunt down my friend.”

.o.o.o.

 “Kisame. I would like to talk to you.”

 “Little odd saying that _after_ throwing shuriken at my head,” Kisame said, lowing Samehada slightly.

 “You told my brother I look like a woman,” Itachi said dryly, pulling out more sharp stars.

 “No, I said you were _prettier_ than women, which you have to admit—okay, seriously! Cut that out!” Kisame snapped, dodging and blocking a torrent of metal.

 “Don’t you dare call me pretty!” Itachi shouted.

 “But you’re so _very_ pretty!”

 Itachi twitched and glared at Anko. “When did you get here?”

 “Just now. And you’re pretty. Live with it,” Anko said.

 “You know, by saying I’m prettier than women Kisame is insinuating I’m prettier than you,” Itachi said. Maybe she’d help him attack the blue idiot…

 Anko tapped her chin, “Hmm…it’s the hair. Especially how your bangs fall in your face. You look more like a guy when you do that side-bandanna headband thing.”

 “I hate you both,” Itachi groaned.

 “Okay, first shuriken attacks, then blatant hatred?” Kisame asked. “Is that any way to treat your friends?”

 Itachi’s eyes widened. “No…it’s—Kisame! You’re a genius!”

 “Really? Because a lot of kids can beat him at shogi,” Anko said. Kisame quickly flashed her a rude gesture.

 “No, no, he helped me figure out what was bothering me!” Itachi said. “I’ll tell you guys at the next barbeque. I have some things to work out.” He rushed out of the field.

 “So…he attacks you and insults you, then praises you and runs away?” Anko asked. “And I thought Gai and Kakashi made weird friends.”

 “Well, our friendship is rather odd. I mean, how many ANBU go on a mission to steal information from a mob leader and come home with an S-ranked ninja willing to join their village?” Kisame asked.

 “Yeah, you said you were convinced the world was without honestly and he showed you otherwise,” Anko said. “How’d he do that?”

 “He said he didn’t want to fight. I assumed he was bluffing and called it. He gave me a full-Sharingan glare and said it was his little brother’s birthday and he refused to come to the party late or blood-soaked,” Kisame said. “And I saw the truth in those eyes of hell!”

 “Oh…so you’re both crazy!” Anko said brightly.

 “Yeah, you have no room to talk there,” Kisame retorted.

.o.o.o.

 Itachi normally kept his room very neat. It helped to have things out away when you had a rambunctious little brother and an even more rambunctious swordsman friends randomly dropping in on you.

 However, now he had scrolls everywhere. Uchiha Itachi was a genius, a well-decorated former ANBU captain, and one of the top jonin of Konoha, despite being all of fifteen. So he had access to a lot of information and was now using it.

 Scrolls on seals were spread out on his bed, the academy curriculum was pinned to his wall with shuriken, history of Konoha clans and bloodlines was under the window, lists of mission-trends were by the door, rank designations and handbooks by the closet, and a blank scroll was on his desk.

Itachi went his desk and titled the scroll: **A Plan for the Preparation of Superior Future Shinobi of Konoha**.

 He then subtitled it: **AKA Supplementary Training for the Little Brats We Love**

.o.o.o.

 “You’re crazy,” Asuma said. “Kakashi, tell him he’s crazy.”

 “You already did—I do like this bit though,” Kakashi said. “Suggesting specialties for students during their latter academy years might be a good idea. We keep getting too many ‘I’m going to go whoop butt even though I’m totally green!’ types.”

 “Um, Itachi, what exactly are you suggesting we do with this?” Kurenai asked.

 “I checked Sasuke’s class. An odd amount of clan heirs are in it, are they not?” Itachi asked.

 “Yes, that’s true,” Iruka said.

 “Right, now, just from the three jutsu you learned there…how much stuff from the academy gets used in the field?”

 “…I do not think I have used any of them in many years,” Gai admitted.

 “Substitution,” Kakashi said, with Iruka and Anko agreeing.

 “Henge,” Kurenai said, with agreements form Kisame and Iruka.

 “And Bushin?” Itachi asked.

 “Everyone learns a better one by chunin exam time…well, anyone who’s been taught well anyway,” Asuma said.

 “And the rest of it? History? Chakra theory?” Itachi pressed.

 “Well…most of us have to re-learn some of it,” Asuma said. “Anyone without a super-memory, really.”  

 “And you forget it because?” Itachi asked smugly.

 “You…don’t really use it until you’re a chunin. And really the academy kids don’t give a damn about it,” Asuma said “I see where you’re going with this…”

 “As well as the fact that I happen to know several of you have genin you’d like to personally teach…” Itachi said casually. “Hinata Hyuuga-”

 Kurenai blushed.

 “Shikamaru Nara-”

 Asuma coughed into his hand.

 “Sasuke’s loudmouth buddy,” Kisame added, grinning at Kakashi.

 “That’s a maybe, at most,” the copy-ninja said quickly.

 “Are you honestly suggesting we give certain students a leg up?” Iruka asked. “You know I won’t be able to help if I’m teaching at the time, right?”

 “One, look at this class roster—look at it!” Itachi said. “Do you not see _six_ clan heirs, _seven_ if something happens to me and Sasuke gets added? Two, I have a way around that.”

 “We can’t exactly offer private tutoring,” Gai said. “I have tried many a time to ask for permission with a certain youthful student from a year above those who has caught my eye, but alas—no.”

 “Well, asking was your first mistake,” Itachi said. “We don’t need permission—we already have it.”

 “We do, now do we?” Kurenai asked.

 “Is it not generally accepted that Academy students within clans will receive training from clan members?” Itachi asked.

 “How does that help us? Last I checked, you’re the only clan-member with a kid in that class,” Asuma said. “And well, Iruka could get away with helping Naruto…”

 “I need a week to get the information I need—I managed to get a mission from the Hokage that will enable me to do just that,” Itachi said quietly. “Should I get this information, should I make this a possibility for our future genin: are you in?”

 “Totally,” Anko said. “We need more kick-ass kunoichi in the world!”

 “I’m with you buddy, you know that,” Kisame said.

 The others quietly agreed.

 Itachi rolled up his plan. “Excellent. Now, Kisame, Iruka and I need to talk to you…”


	2. Kisame—Demon Babysitter for Ninja

 “You want what now?” Kisame asked.

 “Those of us involved in this ‘mission’ are working together, Kisame!” Itachi said. “Therefore we help each other!”

 “Which is why you two want me to watch Sasuke and Naruto for a week?” Kisame asked. “With _no pay_?”

 “Yes,” Itachi said. “Why, were we not clear? I have some specific missions I need to take to get the information I require and Iruka is studying for the teacher’s finals with his friend Mizuki…when are we going to meet him, anyway?”

 “He’s been on a lot of escort and delivery missions lately, sorry,” Iruka said. “I think he’s in Grass Country right now. He’ll be back tomorrow for cram time.”

 “Good. Maybe later I can get him to help me prod you into some extra training…” Itachi mused.

 “You mean torture,” Iruka countered.

 “Funny, I thought that was me,” Kisame muttered.  “So, you do realize I don’t know how to occupy kids for a whole week, right? I don’t do kids.”

 “You’ve watched Sasuke for me a few times already,” Itachi said.

 “Well, I coerce him. He acts good, and I tell him some random cool things you’ve done. He likes hearing about those,” Kisame said. “I barely know other one…other than he’s the reason Iruka sometimes has paint splotches on him at our dinners.”

 “Look, Naruto’s easy. Promise ramen for at least one meal a day and he’s over the moon,” Iruka said. “But…if he ever seems nervous about going home, let him stay at your place, okay?”

 Kisame frowned. He’d seen the glares, of course, and Samehada had been quick to point out the secondary chakra when he’d checked to see what was odd about the boy. An untrained Host who was clearly unaware of his tenant was probably less dangerous…and therefore easily targeted. “Understood.”

 “I guess you can think of it was a mission,” Itachi said, noting the change in his stance.

 “Oh yeah,” he said. Day one would be observation, and day two would be planning…but he had the notion that days three through seven would be _fun_.

.o.o.o.

 “Hey Sasuke! Oh, hey big blue guy!”

 “It’s Kisame,” Kisame supplied. He’d only met the boy once before, and that was at least a year ago, so he wasn’t too irritated.

 “Oh, okay,” the blonde said. “So, you’re walking me to school or something?”

 “Yeah. Naruto, you know he’s watching us while Itachi’s gone and Iruka’s studying,” Sasuke said.

 “Oh, right!” Naruto said. “I guess you can walk me, but I _know_ where it is…”

 Kisame smiled, careful not to expose his teeth when he did so he didn’t freak the kid out too much yet, “Well, I wanted to get to know you two better, since we’ll be spending seven straight afternoons together.”

 “Oh, okay,” Naruto said. “Let’s go! Come on Sasuke!”

 “Fine,” the other boy huffed. “Slow down!”

 The kids were walking quickly, but Kisame’s much longer strides more than kept up. Naruto was happily chatting about hoping they got to run some obstacle course that day, while Sasuke periodically made sure Naruto had the day’s supplies and his homework and the like, but otherwise stayed silent.

 Kisame was able to tune them out a bit and began to look at the crowd. Predictably, any Uchiha and several civilians who saw the boys together looked exasperated, but the Uchiha quickly faked nonchalance when they noticed him, despite the fact that Samehada told him their chakra was now radiating aggression.

 So they still didn’t like him, huh? Interesting…

 Further on were a few glares, a lot of whispers, and one stone “somehow” flying at Naruto that Kisame blocked. He felt the fear of the man who’d chucked it and resolved to come back later…with a boulder.

 He might be a bastard of a blood knight, but rocks at kids? Pathetic.

 “We’re here! Bye Kisame!” Naruto yelled as he and Sasuke headed in.

 “Bye,” Kisame said, waving just for the shocked looks some parents gave him for it. He waited a bit before heading in himself. He had a plan.

 The Academy Head was entirely too trusting of him. He’d made up some bull about wanting to see how Konoha did things, since their ninja were typically considered to be better than Kiri’s, and the man had eaten it up. He also got a note to be allowed to survey anonymously aka via eavesdropping, so “the teachers will act normally.”

 He settled himself outside Naruto and Sasuke’s classroom, cloaked himself in a genjutsu he’d learned from Itachi, and prepared for a boring intel-gathering day.

.o.o.o.

 Kisame had been mistaken in his assumption that most teachers would be like Iruka, a stern but kind person who liked teaching and was good at it.

 This guy annoyed him. First off, theory was great but meant all but nil in the field unless applied and guess what hadn’t been mentioned yet? History was useless for anything but diplomacy, in Kisame’s opinion (though admittedly Itachi clearly had other ideas and he should respect that…a bit), and the teacher gave it too much importance. There was a _lot_ of written work and not a hint of the obstacle course Naruto had mentioned—teacher had said it was only for exams. How were you supposed to run it without practice anyway? And what good did essay-writing ability do you? Most ninja just needed to know how to fill out forms and reports and spies needed code. This was an annoying joke! The kids were already _seven_ , for crying out loud!

 And the man ignored Naruto’s attempted questions, put him in the corner for a prank that quite frankly showed a lot of ninja skill, and told the kid he’d never be Hokage. The jackass.

 He was reporting that to Iruka for sure. Maybe the chunin would okay a revenge plan…but still, this confirmed his worst fears: Sasuke and Naruto were woefully undertrained. As his friends’ little brothers, they needed to be able to survive the horrors the world had in store.

 He bumped day three’s plans to that afternoon. He’d have those kids up to snuff or he’d let his sword eat him!

.o.o.o.

 “We’re training?” Sasuke and Naruto asked, wide-eyed.

 Oh this was too easy. “Yup. You want to be _awesome_ _ninja_ like Iruka and Itachi, right?”

 “ _You_ can teach that?” Naruto asked. “Really? Can we can we can we?”

 “Please, Kisame-san?” Sasuke asked, bowing his head briefly. He must have really been eager, then.

 “Sure do! Now, who wants to learn how to walk on water, like all the cool ninjas can?”

 Their eyes went as big as dinner plates. He was so the best babysitter ever.

.o.o.o.

 “Mother, is Sasuke still awake?” Itachi asked. He’d gotten home a bit early, maybe he could bid his brother goodnight…

 “I’m sorry, he went to a sleepover at your friend Kisame’s house. Kisame said he’s helping him with his geography homework,” Mikoto said. “And, well, I’ve been handing Sasuke over to him for afternoons all week anyway, so one night isn’t so bad.”

 “I see,” Itachi said.

 That made no sense. Sasuke did just fine in all academic subjects. That was probably Kisame’s way of letting him know it was okay to come over if he was home early. “I think I’ll go see what the progress is. Good night, mother.”

 He rushed over to Kisame’s. The very idea of the man holding a sleepover was hilarious, so he had to see as much of it as he could.

 He knocked. Kisame lived in a small house by one of Konoha’s lakes, so the door had to be solid to keep out moisture. He knocked louder, just in case.

 The door opened to a Kisame with a stormy expression—only for it to soften very slightly upon seeing who it was and Itachi to get bowled over by a small blur cheering “Niisan! Niisan!”

 “Hello Sasuke,” he said, not getting up just yet. “Kisame.”

 “Itachi, we need to talk. Preferably with Iruka but, hell, you can tell him later, I am getting this off my chest now!” Kisame said. “That little boy-” he pointed backwards into the house, presumably meaning Naruto, “-is braver than half the ninja I have worked with in my career, do you hear me?”

 Surprisingly, Sasuke did not shrink at the large amount of killing intent pouring off Kisame. “Yeah! Those people were real mean to Naruto and he made it sound like it happens a lot and it _better_ not happen a lot!”

 “Sasuke, please don’t stand on my chest,” Itachi said. “Now, what’s this about Naruto, and how can we phrase it so Iruka doesn’t have an aneurism?”

 “Itachi, do you know how many people I have had to resist killing this week?” Kisame asked.

 “More than four?” Itachi guessed, since that was his average.

 “ **Twenty-nine!** ” Kisame bellowed. “Twenty nine people who are horrible to a seven year old! An adorable, kindhearted seven-year old too, not a ruthless creepy one like I was! Do you have any idea-”

 “Sasuke, go check on Naruto, I think this will take a while,” Itachi said.

 It did.

.o.o.o.

 Iruka Umino had never struck Itachi as an “avenger” type…but then he supposed he’d be mad as hell if Sasuke had been through _half_ of what Naruto had in one week—despite the blonde’s protests that it had “been a _bad_ week” and “it’s not usually _that_ crazy” which only seemed to fuel Iruka’s fire.

 “All right, so we paint-bomb those houses…deface this lawn…screw with those shopkeepers’ heads,” Iruka muttered, pouring over a map. Kisame had “helpfully” marked the locations of the people who had been less than kind to Naruto.

 “Iruka, how was your test? Did you pass?” Naruto asked.

 “I won’t know until tomorrow, kiddo,” Iruka said. “Mizuki and I think we both did well, though. Kisame, think you could screw with this owner’s head while I graffiti the back of his shop?”

 “Sword-maker? Hell yes, I’ll just pretend Samehada’s having an issue,” Kisame said. “As if he’d ever understand it!”

 “I think I’ll take this week’s babysitting…and Naruto home with me for a while,” Itachi said. Best to keep him out of the crossfire.

 “Oh, Itachi, did you get the information you needed?” Iruka asked.

 “Yes. I’ll explain it at the next dinner,” Itachi said. “We’ll implement the plan after the academy gets out in two weeks.”

 “All right, we’ll be done by then,” Iruka said. “So, Kisame, other than these bastards, how was babysitting?”

 “Oh, it was great. I got them up to basic water walking, showed them that double-substitution trick Anko loves, and figured out why Naruto sucks at making clones! I even fixed it!” Kisame said proudly.

 “Water…walking?” Itachi asked blankly. Of course Kisame would have taken it as training-time…

 “Oh, you figured out what was wrong?” Iruka asked brightly.

 “Yeah, the kid has way, way, way too much chakra,” Kisame said. “Had the same problem when I was his age. We had Samehada leech a ton of it and bam! Perfect basic clone technique!”

 “…Which you can only do if you leech his chakra very low,” Iruka said. “Which _can’t happen_ at his graduation.”

 “Damnit!” Kisame swore. “Oh well, back to revenge. Itachi—you fix the clone problem!”

.o.o.o.

 Itachi’s father had been more than a little annoyed to have his son dragging home _two_ small boys all week, but seemed to take the respite from Kisame’s frequent presence in the compound as a blessing and hadn’t done anything rude to Naruto.

 Itachi’s mother, on the other hand, had quickly gone to war with the boy over eating vegetables.

 “Eggplant is good for you, Naruto. Very nutritious,” she said sternly.

 “It’s _yucky_ ,” Naruto said for what had to have been the twelfth time.

 “How long have they been doing that?” Fugaku asked, reentering from the den.

 “An hour. It’s fascinating,” Itachi said. “Naruto often is underfed, and yet he won’t eat the vegetables anyway.”

 “I got him to eat a tomato at lunch,” Sasuke said. “And I know there were some pickles and plums in a lunch Iruka made him once.”

 “Sasuke, try and make him eat the eggplant now,” Fugaku said. “I’d like to end this as soon as possible.”

 Sasuke’s nose wrinkled, “But I don’t like eggplant either.”

 “Don’t you think I would have had him do it already if it would have worked?” Itachi asked. “I tried to get Mother to switch to celery—I’ve seen Naruto snack on it—but I think both their prides are at stake now.”

 His father sighed, “So what you’re saying is the food will rot before either one gives in?”

 “Or Mother will get fed-up and force-feed him. Remember Sasuke with eggs?” Itachi asked as Sasuke shuddered.

 “Well, you always complain I don’t spend quality time with you boys,” Fugaku said. He sat down between them. “Anyone want to make bets?”

.o.o.o.

 “It’s _beautiful_ ,” Naruto said, wide-eyed.

 Itachi groaned, feeling his remaining sanity slipping away. After one week with Naruto and Sasuke being around him 24-7, he wasn’t sure he had any to spare.

 He wouldn’t have been surprised if Iruka and Kisame had _defaced_ the Hokage monument—that was one of Naruto’s favorite pranks and the kid no doubt would have gotten the tribute—but no. No, they went and did _this_.

 The entire monument was papered in various neon pamphlets about the various dangers of child and/or orphan abuse and Konoha statutes for the punishment thereof. The pamphlets were even color-coordinated so you could still see each kage’s general features.

 Itachi’s own “avenger” side kicked in and he resolved to hint to the Hokage to give Kisame Hoshigaki his first ever D-Rank mission: monumental cleanup.


	3. Itachi and Iruka’s Ninja Summer Camp

 It was official—the Hokage knew of Itachi’s plans. That was probably because Itachi sort of had to tell him or he’d have gotten in a lot of trouble for posting the flyers all over the Academy like he did on the last week of school before summer break.

 Itachi’s loophole had been very, very basic—it was widely accepted that children from clans would learn things from people in those clans. However, there was nothing preventing a clan child from bringing a friend or dozen along for that learning, or if the clan member doing the teaching _happened_ to have friends of his own around. Therefore, this plan was entirely legal.

 He _was_ rather pleased with the fliers—and they gave him an excuse to meet that Mizuki friend Iruka kept mentioning!

**Attention All Academy Students!**  
**Worried You’ll be Bored Over the Summer or Your Skills Will Lag?**  
 **Attend Ninja Summer Camp!**  
 **This Day-Camp meets on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays and offers hands-on help will all your skills—academic and practical.**  
 **Teachers: Uchiha Itachi, Umino Iruka, Su Mizuki, Hoshigaki Kisame.**  
 **ALL ARE WELCOME!**  
 **Yes, Sasuke and Naruto, your attendance _is_ mandatory.**

.o.o.o.                               

 “Did you really have to paper the _whole_ academy with them?” Iruka asked, staring critically at one neon blue flier.

 “Well, it’s not like I had your input; you and Kisame were taking vengeance from Naruto, Mr. Avenger” Itachi said.

 “Man, act your age,” Mizuki scolded quietly as he went through Itachi’s notes.

 “…I’m thirteen,” Itachi said.

 “Oh. I thought you were just kind of short,” Mizuki said. “Whoops.”

 “Fourteen in June,” Itachi said cheerfully.

 “You can still act your rank, _jonin_ -senpai,” Iruka said dryly.

 “Never call me that again,” Itachi said, shuddering. “Okay, I’ve set up Mizuki and Kisame’s pay—thanks for only taking high D-rank rate on this by the way—and worked out a basic schedule, so all we need to do now is choose specific subjects for when a kid needs help. Kisame picked chakra control, held-weapons, and hard-style taijutsu. I would like genjutsu but I’ll pick my others based on what you leave open.”

 “Projectile weapons!” Mizuki said quickly. He chuckled as Iruka and Itachi stared at him. “And, uh, soft-style taijutsu and strategy? Heheh…”

 Itachi noted to watch him around pointy things. “Okay. Iruka?”

 “I’ll work on how the academics translate into ninja-skills, traps, and maybe some ninja-tool primers. And test help. Good lord do some of this bunch need test help,” Iruka said.

 “Fine. Then I will also take ninjutsu and hand-signs,” Itachi said. “I hereby declare us organized.”

.o.o.o.

 “This isn’t organized and you know it,” Mizuki hissed.

 “Organized, organized chaos…not so different, right?” Itachi asked, shrugging. “Otouto, don’t hold Kiba’s puppy hostage, its rude!”

 “Naruto, give Ino back her hair clip!” Iruka demanded as he tried to keep Ino and Sakura from fighting each other.

 “No, no, Hinata, _you_ were doing _fine_ —Lee _get off that post_!” Kisame groaned. “ _Itachi_ …”

 Said jonin sighed, “Right. Less chaos is needed. Mizuki-san, do you have any wire on you?”

 Mizuki wisely forked it over and in short order every child in the clearing other than the actually-behaving Hyuuga Hinata was tied to a tree.

 Itachi smiled, “Hinata-chan, go back to what you were doing with Kisame-kun. Everyone else? Let’s _talk_ …”

.o.o.o.

 “Well, that worked,” Iruka sighed. “Even if only Hinata, Naruto, and your little brother aren’t terrified of you now.”

 “That Lee kid—the one Gai likes, you know—he is _awesome_ ,” Kisame said. “I’ve seen ANBU less dedicated than that. Hell, I’ve seen _a kage_ less dedicated!”

 “So despite his chakra issues, we need to find a way for him to pass the exams,” Itachi noted. “Konoha does not need to lose such a dedicated potential ninja.”

 “So we put all we can into taijutsu for him—plus stamina and strategy,” Iruka said, having commandeered the checklist. “Give his chakra control time to Naruto…kami knows he needs it…Itachi, what’s this?”

 “Huh? Oh, that’s from Nara Yoshino,” Itachi said, tapping the letter. “It authorizes us to use up to B-rank force to get her son to participate.”

 “Konoha women scare me,” Kisame muttered, shaking his head.

 “This restructuring looks like it’ll take you some time,” Mizuki sighed. “What do we do until then?”

 “Hey, Mizuki, how about we leave Prodigy and Mr. Organizer to that and go set up a game for the kids?” Kisame asked.

 “Sounds good,” Mizuki said. “How about a water game? It’s getting hot.”

 “Oh, it’s like you can read my mind! Itachi, Iruka, we’re going to get a game going before the kids get too bored and stage a coup!” Kisame called over his shoulder as he and Mizuki went to collect the kids from under some shady trees.

 “Get bored and _stage a coup_?” Mizuki asked dryly.

 “Why not? It’s what the seven swordsmen did.”

 “I thought you were protesting the Yondaime Mizukage,” Mizuki said.

 “Nah, what was just Zabuza—he was a real stand-up guy, well, for a master assassin anyway. Hey kids! Who wants to play a game?”

 There were general murmurs of assent, with Chouji and Naruto prodding Shikamaru along.

 “Great!” Kisame said. “We’ll do teams. I get Lee, Hinata, Sasuke, Chouji, and Kiba—oh, and your little doggie too! Mizuki gets Naruto, Sakura, Ino, Shikamaru, Shino, and Neji.”

 “I’m not here to play,” Neji protested. “I am only here because I was told to watch lady Hinata.”

 “Well you’ll watch her during the game!” Kisame said, pleased with his logic. “Now, this is an old Mist game called Water Ghosts…”

.o.o.o.

 “All done!” Iruka said proudly. “Okay, Thursday shouldn’t make any of us consider hanging ourselves now.”

 “Iruka…I just noticed something,” Itachi said. “We…never asked Kisame what game they would play…”

 They both took off running.

 “Why didn’t you ask?” Iruka demanded.

 “I didn’t think to—sue me I _am_ only thirteen! Why didn’t you?”

 “I guess I hoped Mizuki had a game plan…but I just remembered it’s _Mizuki_ and he’ll probably love whatever crazy thing Kisame picks!” Iruka groaned.

 “Well, I’m pretty sure we’re not liable if the injuries stay minor…”

 “You are so not helping!” Iruka yelled. “Oh. Well. That’s…not so bad looking, actually.”

 Some of the kids were doing a dead-man’s-float in the water and other kids were trying to herd each other towards them. Sasuke managed to get Ino too close to Lee, who grabbed her. Ino promptly went into a float and Sasuke and Lee paddled off. Mizuki and Kisame kept watch form on top of the water.

 “Oh thank god,” Iruka said. “And they can all swim, too…and the water’s not so deep…”

 “You know, I thought it would be way worse,” Itachi said. “Maybe ANBU badly affected my imagination…”

 “Well, I’ve never been in ANBU and I didn’t think it would be very good either,” Iruka confessed.

 “Ha-ha! Team Mizuki is all ghosts! Team Kisame wins!” Kisame yelled.

 “All right, all right. Kids, free swim—agh!” Mizuki yelped as Naruto and Kiba tugged him down into the water. “Okay, now you’re going to be _real_ water ghosts!”

  “It’s the Mizuki-monster! Run!” Naruto yelped.

 “You mean _swim_!” Lee corrected as the kids scattered and Kisame dropped into the water as well.

 “Now _that’s_ what I expected,” Itachi said, taking off his shoes. “Glorious chaos.”

 Iruka shoved him into the water, “You’re all lunatics.”

 “You know you wish you could be too!” Kisame yelled. “Poor sweet Iruka, cursed with sanity…”

 Iruka sat down on the bank as Shikamaru dragged himself out of the lake and flopped onto the grass. “I think we’ll just watch, huh kiddo?”

 “Troublesome,” the boy muttered, curling up to nap.

 “Very,” Iruka agreed.

.o.o.o.

 “Better, better!” Kisame said. “You may stab me one day after all!”

 Itachi huffed and adjusted his grip on his katana. “That day is today!”

 “You wish. Stick to your illusions and shuriken!” Kisame taunted.

 “They’re quite…enthusiastic,” Mizuki noted as he sharpened one of his giant shuriken.

 “Are you kidding? You should come to dinner some time and watch Kisame and _Anko_ go at it,” Iruka said, writing up explosive tags. “Now that’s energy.” He put his brush down. “You will come sometime, right?”

 “I don’t know…maybe,” Mizuki said.

 “Fair enough. I miss you sometimes, though,” Iruka said. “You keep taking all those away missions…we never get to hang out…”

 “Well, we’re teaching together in the fall. That good enough?” Mizuki asked.

 “I guess,” Iruka said. “You should at least come out for ramen with Naruto and I sometime…”

 “I don’t know how you can eat that stuff,” Mizuki said, wrinkling his nose. “Give me sushi any day.”

 “Personally I don’t know how you _can’t_ like—ack!” Iruka yelped as Itachi was thrown into him.

 “Sorry! Was aiming for the power pole! My bad!” Kisame said. “Hey, Mizuki, want to _fight_?”

 Mizuki shook his head mutely, clutching his giant shuriken like a security blanket.

 “Damn. Is Itachi unconscious again? I sometimes do that to him,” Kisame said.

 “Great Fireball Jutsu!”

 “…that’s a no,” Iruka noted as the teenager went back to fighting his friend.

.o.o.o.

 “Now kids, today we’re going to learn about escort missions. Does anyone know what that is?” Iruka asked.

 “It’s when you take a person and you take them somewhere else and keep them safe!” Lee declared.

 “Close enough,” Iruka agreed. “Now, six of you are going to form three-man cells and try to get Itachi and Mizuki from one end of the field to the other. Kisame and I will take the other four and we shall be dangerous missing-nin you must avoid. Now, Itachi and Mizuki are playing civilians, so they won’t fight back. Now, any volunteers?”

 “I’ll protect you, Mizuki! Believe it!” Naruto said proudly.

 “I-I’ll go with Naruto,” Hinata said.

 “I’ll round out that team!” Kiba said.

 “I get to save Aniki!” Sasuke declared.

 “I’ll take that team as well,” Shino said.

 As Sakura and Ino quietly fought over who got to team with Sasuke, Lee loudly took the third spot.

 “Okay, we have our teams! Clients, take your escorts to their starting points. Now, Kisame, who do you want?”

 “Sakura, Ino and Neji…I have big plans!” Kisame declared. “Come on kids, we’re under contract to kill the mysterious Mr. Su!”

 “All right, Shikamaru, Chouji, who wants to go attack Itachi?” Iruka asked.

 “Sure! I’ll bet Shikamaru already has a plan, too!” Chouji said. “Right, Shika?”

 “…Troublesome,” the other boy muttered. “Fine—here’s what I guess we can do…”

.o.o.o.

 So far Team Mizuki was doing pretty well. Hinata was using her Byakugan and Kiba was using his nose, and there were no signs on “enemy ninja” yet. Naruto had taken point and was suspiciously eyeing various trees and bushes as if they were going to attack Mizuki.

 The chunin had to admit, it was kind of cute.

 “Left, coming in fast!” Hinata said. “It’s-it’s Neji-niisan!”

 Kiba hurried to that side, just managing to block Neji from hitting Mizuki. Naruto then distracted Neji for a second, allowing Kiba to throw him a bit away.

 “R-right side! Sakura! I-I’ve got her!” Hinata said.

 She and Sakura started to fight, Hinata trying to disable her as best she could.

 Mizuki suddenly felt something tap him in the head. He turned, and there was Kisame. “Damn it. Kids, I’m dead.” He frowned at Kisame, “Weren’t you supposed to stick to genin level stuff?”

 “I walked up behind you and tapped you with a big sword,” Kisame said flatly. “As for Neji…maybe we should save Naruto and Kiba now…”

 “I didn’t even get to do my part!” Ino whined, coming out of the bushes.

 “Well, I was going to pin Mizuki down and let you possess him—but then we won!” Kisame said.

 “Well, we’re almost to the exit point so good job,” Mizuki said. “You don’t manage this kind of thing first try. Especially with someone like Kisame-san at the reins.”

 Kisame grinned proudly.

 “Um, we really should stop them!” Sakura shrieked as Naruto, Kiba and Neji kept fighting.

.o.o.o.

 “You of course realize this would never happen in real life.”

 “Oh, I know,” Iruka told Itachi from where he was sitting on the teen’s chest. “Got to admit, it feels kind of good, though.”

 “Well, you’ve clearly ‘killed’ me so can you get off…and untie Sasuke from that branch? That angle doesn’t look good for him.”

 “Right, right,” Iruka said. “Good plan, Shikamaru. I underestimated your abilities.”

 “I got lucky, I guess,” the kid said, shrugging.

 “Uh huh,” Itachi said, and Iruka could already see the wheels in his head turning. “Well let’s round up everyone else; Mizuki and Iruka are going to teach you some basics about ninja tools, then you can play some tag and then you’re off for the day. Fair?”

.o.o.o.

 “The kids are really getting into this. Hinata barely stuttered at all today!” Kisame said. “Though her cousin kind of weirds me out…”

 “He does seem rather aggressive,” Mizuki said. “If Kiba hadn’t knocked his shoulder at the right moment he would have gotten a perfect Jukken strike to Naruto’s gut. Honestly I agree with Kisame’s ‘blunt object to brat’s brain’ plan there…”

 “Wait—he was using Jukken? At his age?” Iruka asked. “…And what did you hit him with?”

 “Samehada—don’t worry, I told her no draining!” Kisame defended quickly.

 “Well Neji _is_ a Hyuuga—they begin training early since it takes long years of discipline,” Itachi said. “Still, he does seem miles above the others in taijutsu, which gives him an unfair advantage—we’ll have to fix that in later ninja games.”

 “You know, Shikamaru really surprised me today,” Iruka said. “That plan of his was really well thought out and well informed.”

“I noticed,” Itachi said. “You know…I think he’d been holding out on us.”

 “Really?” Mizuki said.

 “Yes. So, while we continue our camp, I suggest we give a certain lazy boy the motivation to use his brains…by any up-to-B-rank means we can!” Itachi declared.


	4. The Baiting of Nara Shikamaru

 A couple of weeks in the campers all sat down for lunch, having exhausted themselves learning taijutsu basics from Mizuki and Kisame.

 “Here,” Sasuke said, shoving Naruto a bag. “From my mom.”

 “Is she going to try and monitor all my meals?” Naruto groaned.

 “Only when feels you look too thin,” Sasuke said. “I think she might have known your mom or something—she said something like ‘and I will not let her boy die of something as stupid as malnutrition!’ when my dad asked her about it.”

 “Oh…wait, she knew my mom? I had a mom?” Naruto asked.

 “Yes Naruto,” Shikamaru said flatly. “ _You had a mom_.”

 “But…you’ve been to Sasuke-kun’s house, right?” Ino asked. “Why didn’t his mom ever mention your mom?”

 “Village secret?” Chouji guessed.

 “Nah,” Naruto, Sasuke, and Ino dismissed. Shikamaru frowned.

.o.o.o.

 “Kisame, if you were almost-nine and lazy, what would motivate you?” Itachi asked, the four having settled at a bar after the last of the kids had been picked up and Naruto and Sasuke had wandered off in search of ramen and tomatoes.

 “Food?” Kisame tried.

 “That’s more Chouji’s vice,” Iruka said, eating a pot-sticker.

 “Girls?” Itachi asked. “I mean, do most boys like them yet?”

 “Wow, you _are_ socially clueless, and no, not until eleven, at the _absolute_ least,” Mizuki said. “…Forbidden stuff?”

 “What do you mean?” Itachi asked.

 “Like ‘oh, you’re not supposed to know this’ stuff. Aren’t most kids suckers for that?” Mizuki asked. “I mean, the word ‘forbidden’ is practically a magnet…maybe we should tell Hokage-sama to rename the Forbidden Scroll, just in case…”

 “Maybe…if we get his curiosity up enough, or have it as something he feels it would be good for one of his friends if he discovered it…” Itachi said. “I’m sure we’ll come up with something.”

 “Maybe we can talk to Asuma when he gets back from Grass,” Kisame said. “Doesn’t he have a nephew or something?”

 “His nephew is three,” Iruka said.

 “Oh. Darn.”

 “Okay, so, what do the four of us know that the kids don’t that we could presumably not get court-martialed for leaking to them _and_ would interest them?” Iruka said.

 “…I think we’ll need more sake for that,” Mizuki said. “Oi, barman!”

 Itachi sat back in a huff—damn be-sixteen drinking age! He’d been in ANBU, for crying out loud!

.o.o.o.

 “Hello Itachi, how was your teacher’s meeting?” Mother asked.

 Itachi shrugged. “Fine. We’ve got one issue we’re working on…thank goodness Yoshino-san authorized force…”

 “Shikamaru, huh? I’ve heard about him,” Mikoto said, chuckling.

 “And how have you been?” Itachi asked, going over to see what she was cooking.

 “Ah, well, Sasuke’s been acting oddly and asking strange questions about Naruto…I think he’s figured out I knew Kushina.”

 Itachi nodded, remembering the redheaded woman who’d babysat him a few times.

 “But we need to keep that a secret, or else Naruto might find out some…other things,” Mikoto said.

 Itachi frowned—oh, right, Naruto’s dad was the Yondaime aka Kushina’s husband.  It was strangely easy to forget, despite the resemblance. “You give Naruto too much credit. And really, denying a kid his mom…”

 Idea!

 “Mother, I need to go,” Itachi said. “I just realized I left something I need with Iruka. Excuse me.”

 Of course! A village secret about one of Shikamaru’s friends! How could he have been so dense? That was motivation if there ever was one.

 Mikoto smiled as he left. Now no one could accuse _her_ of telling Naruto of who his mom was.

.o.o.o.

 “Ooh, that is good,” Mizuki said. “But…how do we get the kid to look for her?”

 “Well, by giving homework, of course. There are plenty of records about her if you know where to look,” Itachi said.

 “But how do we specifically make _Shikamaru_ want to find Naruto’s mother’s identity?” Iruka asked.

 Itachi groaned, “Well, that’s the bit you might hate me for…”

 Ten seconds later Mizuki was treated to his normally mild best friend trying to murder a former ANBU. He agreed with Kisame’s procurement of a camera.

.o.o.o.

 “So, your assignment, due Tuesday, is to look up some person one of your fellow classmates is related to. It can be anyone, from Chouji’s mother to Izuna Uchiha,” Mizuki explained. It had been decided that Iruka couldn’t bear to do this. “Find out some interesting information to share, such as quirks or special things they were known for.”

 And Naruto was already looking sad. Iruka might try to kill Mizuki next…

 “So, have fun and don’t be afraid to ask your friends for help!” he said quickly. “Camp dismissed. Naruto, you’re coming with Iruka and me for ramen, okay?”

 “…You hate Ramen,” Naruto said quietly.

 “Yes. Yes I do,” Mizuki agreed. “Good thing I’m not that hungry.”

 “Um…yeah. I need to talk to Sasuke real quick—be right back!” Naruto said.

 “Good plan distracting him with ramen,” Iruka said. “I’ll buy you some of that sushi you like later.”

 “Nah. My payment will be watching you try and get him into a library before Tuesday,” Mizuki said.

 Iruka groaned, “Oh, don’t remind me. Oh, look, Sasuke’s heading for Shikamaru now…nice.”

 “Ramen!” Naruto cheered and the two chunin walked off with him, glad their plan was in motion.

.o.o.o.

 “Itachi, someone’s here to see you.”

 “Mother, can you ask them to come when I’m not half dead?” Itachi asked, extracting himself from the sheets. Why oh why had he offered to pull double watch shift until five am? Why?

 “It’s one of your campers,” Mikoto said.

 Itachi frowned—she’d have said if it was Naruto. “One minute.” He hurriedly got dressed and tugged his hair back before going into the den. “Shikamaru?”

 “I really don’t like you trying to manipulate me,” Shikamaru said. “Especially since you used the insecurity of one of my friends to do it.”

 “I’m not sure what you’re talking about,” Itachi said, sitting across from him at the kitchen table.

 Shikamaru folded his hands. “I know you want me to find Naruto’s mom as a test of my mental skills. I have gotten the information and will present it tomorrow, however, I’m annoyed that none of you, not even Iruka, just up and _told_ him at any point.”

 “To be fair, I barely remember Kushina-san, and Iruka, Kisame, and Mizuki never knew her. So the only one you can even slightly blame is me,” Itachi said.

Shikamaru’s nose wrinkled. “This is some kind of village secret, right?”

 “How do you know?” Itachi asked, shrugging.

 “Because of the type of person you are. You may be a highly skilled jonin and former ANBU, but you are exceptionally compassionate and aside from spars take little pleasure in fighting,” Shikamaru said. “You care about people, which makes it unlikely you would not have told Naruto any possible thing you knew about his mother unless you were prevented from doing so by some sort of rule to those who remember her.”

 “But you aren’t,” Itachi conceded.

 “Exactly. I should also let you know that I know your mother conned you into this whole thing—she wants Naruto to know and made you want him to know which, due to your apparent situation of wanting to motivate me, would led to your assignment.”

 Itachi stared at him blankly— _that_ he did not know.

 “All mothers are troublesome at some time or other, but they want what’s best in the end I guess,” Shikamaru said. “So, Naruto gets to find out about his mom and you know I’m smart. What do I get out of this?”

 “I’ll word my reports so your mother won’t hassle you for the rest of the summer,” Itachi said.

 “Deal,” Shikamaru said.

.o.o.o.

 “Naruto’s mom sounds pretty cool,” Mizuki said as Shikamaru finished his report. “And the kid even got a picture—nice.”

 “I can’t believe Itachi’s mother orchestrated this whole thing,” Iruka said. “From when I’ve seen her she’s so…quiet.”

 “Those are the ones to watch, you know,” Kisame said. “Why do you think it’s called silent killing?”

 “Funny,” Mizuki said.

 “All right, good job, everyone!” Itachi said.

 “Oh, I’m actually not done just yet,” Shikamaru said. “Now!”

 The jonin and chunin leapt aside as their bench shot into the air, powered by firecrackers. Shikamaru took off, his campmates not far behind.

 “Oh god, he wants revenge,” Iruka groaned.

 “Something tells me the next few classes are going to be a bit complicated,” Itachi said.

 “Two more months guys. Two more months,” Mizuki said, shaking his head.

 “Is it bad I thought that was kind of awesome?” Kisame asked.

 “Yes!” the other three yelled.

.o.o.o.

 Itachi had to admit, when Shikamaru Nara planned for you to go through the wringer _you went through the wringer_.

 Kisame’s house was coated in graffiti three times. Random things Itachi owned—hairbrush, socks, sheath, sheets—went missing with alarming regularity. Mizuki’s hair was currently green and all of his pants had been stolen. Even Iruka was not spared; the water in his apartment was mysteriously pink (but otherwise drinkable) and every book he owned had been bagged and then the bags duct-taped shut.

 And they couldn’t prove a damn thing. Every single prank happened when they were on a mission or otherwise occupied. Even Naruto, who usually was glad to admit his work, managed to keep mum, so they couldn’t get confessions.

 Itachi decided there was only one thing to do: write Shikamaru’s mid-term report.

.o.o.o.

  _Mr. and Mrs. Nara, I am pleased to inform you that your son is doing well in shinobi summer camp. He has displayed excellent tactical skills and despite a mild aversion to physical work, is typically on the winning side of mock-missions. I can honestly say he can outsmart not only the campers, but also the councilors._

 _Grades:_  
Effort: C+  
Strategy: A+  
Interest: B  
Ability: A+

_Sincerely, Itachi Uchiha_

_PS: Could you tell me his IQ score and how to make him not hate people, **please**._

.o.o.o

Shikamaru’s revenge stopped. Whether his parents had said something or he had deemed it too troublesome, Itachi didn’t know, but one thing was certain:

 The boy was to be watched.


	5. Mission: Cheer Up Emo Mizuki!

 “Oi, Naruto.”

 Naruto looked up from his ramen. “Yeah, Sasuke?”

 “What’s with Iruka’s friend?”

 “Mizuki? Something’s up with him?” Naruto asked.

 “He has been quieter lately,” Sakura, a pretty girl from the camp, said as she stirred her ramen. “I mean, he’s usually really enthusiastic and showing up cool weapons like that really big shuriken, but lately he’s been…meh.”

 “Meh?” Naruto asked.

 “I don’t have a word for it,” Sakura said, shrugging.

 “In Mist, we’d call it Emo,” Kisame said, sitting down with them. “Pork ramen, please.”

 “Emo?” Sasuke asked.

 “Yeah, it’s for mopey people who are very, very depressed and total downers,” Kisame said. “We didn’t let any in the swordsmen. They can depress the people around them you know.”

 “Well, Kisame-san…why do you think Mizuki is…Emo?” Sasuke asked.

 “Mizuki is Emo?” Itachi asked, sitting down. “And Kisame, _stop_ leaving me to give the mission reports.”

 “You do it better than me,” Kisame said. “You can talk and be all diplomatic, and I just beat things senseless. We fit. That’s why we’re friends.”

 “Right…” Itachi said. “Now, Mizuki is Emo?”

 “Well, Sakura thought he was Meh,” Sasuke said.

 “Close enough. Why do you think this?” Itachi asked Sakura.

 “He’s not enthusiastic anymore,” Sakura sighed.

 “You know, he glares at random stuff like trees a lot, lately,” Naruto said.

 “And I noticed he hasn’t tried to get any of the kids into using giant shuriken!” Kisame said. “He’s always pushing that!”

 “So, our belief is that Mizuki is depressed,” Itachi said. “Why?”

 “Maybe he had a depressing mission. I remember one time you and Kisame came back from Grass and you didn’t want to get out of bed for two days. Mom had to make you,” Sasuke said.

 “That was kind of depressing,” Kisame said. He received his ramen and tore into it like the shark he looked like. Itachi shot Sasuke a look for revealing his minor Emo moment.

 “Maybe he and Iruka had a fight? They haven’t been talking as much,” Sakura tried.

 “No, Iruka-nii’s not mad at him. Actually, he’s been looking around for him a lot when camp’s out,” Naruto said.

 “Well then, something is wrong,” Itachi said. “Mizuki is a comrade. We cannot allow him to become fully Emo and descend into sadness and possibly rage.”

 “Rage?” Naruto asked.

 “Rage, resentment, crazy plots against your pals, possibly joining up with insane plotters…all symptoms of severe descent into being Emo,” Kisame said solemnly. “Itachi is right—we _must_ save Mizuki from the Emo.”

 “All right, first, we don’t tell Iruka,” Itachi said. “He’s too close. Now, we need to identify what is pushing Mizuki towards being Emo and deal with that while reaffirming his worth as a shinobi and comrade.”

 “Should we tell the other campers?” Sasuke asked.

 “Tell Hinata—she’s been practicing with him a lot lately and may have noticed something. I’m not sure the others will keep quite if this gets too big,” Itachi said. And he was still wary about using Shikamaru…

 “So…tell Hinata and then what?” Naruto asked.

 “She and I will try to find the source of Mizuki’s Emo,” Itachi said, “Kisame will be your mission leader in combatting it in the meantime.”

 “Combatting Emo can be hard,” Kisame mused. “I remember this one time when Mangetsu’s brother was six…yeesh…I don’t even know what to _do_ with an adult…”

 “It’s cheering a person up! How hard can that be?” Naruto asked.

.o.o.o.

 “Iruka, can you get your pseudo little brother off me, please?” Mizuki groaned. “He’s been hugging me for like five minutes.”

 “Naruto, let go of Mizuki,” Iruka said.

 “Okay! I just wanted him to know how glad we all are that he came with you three to teach us!” Naruto said cheerfully.

 Kisame sighed. Subtle, Naruto was not. On the other hand, neither was he… “Oi, Mizuki? Got any game plans since Itachi went and kidnapped Hinata for eye-training?”

 “How about a hostage game?” Mizuki said.

 “Great! You’ll be the hostage, Iruka and I will be the bad guys, and the kids can save you!” Kisame said. There—the kids could prove how much they liked Mizuki that way!

 “Fine…let’s go,” Mizuki huffed. “Iruka, get the rope.”

 “Who wants to bet this is a fast game?” Kisame asked as they tied Mizuki to a tree a little ways off.

 “What, your sword not feeling like bonking kids on the head today?” Mizuki asked.

 “No, no, she’s in a great bonking mood,” Kisame said. “Just that the kids like saving people is all, and they like you more than say, _me_ , so they’ll save you faster.”

.o.o.o.

 “You kids fail at cheering people up!” Kisame huffed as he paid for four orders of ramen. “I mean, Naruto, how did you manage to _punch_ the poor guy?”

 “I was aiming for _you_ —but you moved!” Naruto protested.

 “Opponents _move_ , idiot,” Sasuke said.

 “Especially when a crazy Neji Hyuuga is going for a Jukken to the groin,” Kisame said, shuddering. “Can we _please_ get him a therapist?”

 The three nine year olds stared at him. “Right…anyway, I think we’re not working this way. Sakura, what would you do?”

 “Make Naruto send him an apology note,” Sakura said. “A heartfelt one. Maybe with some of that sushi Mizuki likes.”

 “Okay, okay,” Naruto said. “…Sasuke, can I borrow paper? And sushi?”

 “Sure,” Sasuke sighed. “I’ll ask my mom to make some…”

 “Other than that?” Kisame asked. “What makes people happy?”

 “Well…what makes you happy?” Sakura asked.

 “Fighting, blood, swordsmanship, more fighting, the hot springs, maybe the screams of opponents…uh…I mean, um…” Kisame said as the kids gave him disturbed looks. “Oh, like you didn’t know I was like that!”

 “Well yeah, but who just comes out and says it?” Sasuke asked.

 “…Now you’re making me Emo. Cut it out,” Kisame ordered.

.o.o.o.

 “Iruka, why are Naruto and Sasuke staring at me?” Mizuki asked. “I mean, Naruto already apologized for socking me so…”

 “No idea. Naruto’s been hanging out with Kisame—they’re trying to figure out how to get Naruto to do the basic clone technique with his amount of chakra…I’ve heard some interesting results,” Iruka said.

 “Oh. Your friends are weird,” Mizuki said.

 “No argument. At least you’re sane,” Iruka said, lightly punching him in the shoulder.

 “Yeah,” Mizuki sighed. “At least I’m sane…”

 “Something wrong, Mizuki?”

 “What? Oh, no, I’m fine!” Mizuki said. “Just a little tired. Camp plus missions, you know.”

 “Oh yeah. Buy a coffee-maker, that’s all I can tell you. When do they announce the certification results, anyway? I want to know our teaching ranks,” Iruka said.

 “…They came out two weeks ago buddy. Haven’t you been paying attention?” Mizuki asked.

 “Oh! Wow, I’ll have to go see later today,” Iruka said.

 Mizuki nodded stiffly and headed over to pull Kiba and Chouji out of a minor brawl.

 Iruka frowned. Something was wrong.

.o.o.o.

 “Oh Mizuki…” Iruka sighed, looking at the official certifications. His own certification was solid, he’d even been recommended for working on the teacher’s council.

 Mizuki was on probationary teaching. He hadn’t even made tenure.

 “Iruka? What’s taking you. We’re going to get teriyaki, remember?” Kisame called from the door.

 “Itachi, Kisame, take Naruto for me. I need to go see Mizuki really quick,” Iruka said.

 “Did you find out why he’s gone Emo?” Naruto asked.

 Iruka stared at him, and then the trying-to-look-innocent-and-failing Kisame and the looking-at-his-sandals Itachi. “I’ll deal with you two later. Make sure Naruto eats.”

 He took off. Damn it, why didn’t Mizuki say anything.

 Right, he was _Mizuki_. Mr. Tough Guy. Of course he didn’t say anything.

 He knocked on Mizuki’s door. “Open up! Come on Mizuki, I know you’re in there—I can smell the rice cooking!”

 “Get lost, Iruka!”

 “Mizuki, open the door. I will remove it if necessary.”

  “Yeah right.”

 “Mizuki, I was the premier prankster of Konoha. Do you really want me to try?” Iruka said, pulling out a kunai and starting to unscrew the hinges.

 He stopped as he heard the door unlocking. Mizuki opened it and glared at him. “What do you want?”

 “Okay, you’re clearly not okay about this,” Iruka said. “I mean, apparently Kisame, Itachi, Sasuke and Naruto are convinced you’re…‘Emo’ or something…”

 “What’s Emo?” Mizuki asked.

 “Darned if I know,” Iruka said. “Look, I…I’m really sorry you didn’t do as well as you hoped but hey, you can show them how good you are as a teacher and then it’ll be fine!”

 “Look, it’s just…msikofulevnmeinthedus,” Mizuki muttered.

 “What? Iruka asked.

 “I’m sick of you leaving me in the dust, okay? I’m sick of how everyone always seems to like you and consider me second and I know I shouldn’t be this fucking jealous because you’re probably the most stand-up guy in this damn village—godamnit why do you have to be so nice, anyway? I mean, you hang out with a bunch of really smart and strong jonin a lot and I’m glad you let me tag along for this summer camp thing and that you invite me to those dinners out of pity, but-”

 “Slow down!” Iruka commanded. “Okay, first? Pity? Really? Last I checked, I was always the one yelling at _you_ not to pity _me_ back in our academy days. Second, I didn’t let you tag along for the summer camp—Itachi said he’d talk the Hokage into making me do D-ranks all summer if I _didn’t_ bring you! He and Kisame and the others kind of want to meet _my best friend_!” For good measure, he smacked Mizuki.

 “Best…friend?” the silver-haired teen asked.

 “What did you think you were? My sounding board?”  Iruka demanded.

 “…I don’t think I’ve been a very good best friend lately,” Mizuki said. “You know, with the jealousy and all.”

 “People get jealous. It happens. I’m jealous of your taijutsu skills,” Iruka said. “Come on, you can make it up to me with ramen.”

 “Good lord, are you _sure_ you and Naruto aren’t related?” Mizuki asked, grabbing his wallet. “…And put those screws back in my door, please.”

 “Sure thing, buddy.”

.o.o.o.

 “Don’t move,” Itachi said.

 “Shit, is that a barrier-tag?” Kisame asked.

 “Motion-activated once the target reaches the center,” Itachi said. “Iruka’s shown me some.”

 “Great, so what, we wait for Iruka and Mizuki to notice we’re not there? What if they think we just got missions?” Kisame asked. “What if we’re trapped here?”

 “Kisame, I’m sure if we figure out the nature of the tags you can use a pulse of chakra to disable them. Now, do they seem to have any elemental alignment?” Itachi asked calmly.

 “Nope, none of the symbols for that…there’s a sealing symbol though so…bombs?” Kisame asked.

 “Great. I always wanted to get blown up in my own hometown,” Itachi said.

 “Itachi…I think that one says something can you make it out?”

 “Which one?” Itachi asked.

 Kisame pointed—only realizing too late that doing so was enough movement to activate the tags.

 He and Itachi were coated in pink paint and glitter. The tag he’d pointed at spewed confetti, and with the seal gone they could now read the message:

  **Call me Emo, will you?**

 “And that, children, is proof that even top-ranked ninja can be pranked if you plan accordingly,” Mizuki said. “Iruka will give you further lessons on the subject later today. Excuse me while I get a head start.”

 “ _Mizuki!_ ” Kisame yelled. The campers watched in fascination as the two jonin raced after the laughing chunin.

 Naruto punched the air. “Yay! Mizuki-sensei isn’t Emo anymore!”

.o.o.o.

 “Now, I should warn you, Anko might jump on you and call you new meat. She does that,” Iruka said as they headed for the barbeque restaurant.

 “I’ll live. I survived Itachi and Kisame last week, after all,” Mizuki said.

 “Oh good. I blacked out with a nosebleed when she met me,” Iruka confessed.

 “Poor, delicate Iruka-kun,” Kakashi said, sidling up beside them. “So this is the mysterious Mizuki, huh? Kakashi Hatake.”

 “Nice to meet you,” Mizuki said.

 “Likewise. You read Icha-Icha?”

 “Tried. Iruka burned mine.”

 “Iruka! That’s a crime against humanity!”

 “ _No_ , those books are a crime against _civility_! I don’t care if one of the sannin wrote them!”

 Mizuki smiled. Whatever Emo was, he was pretty sure he wasn’t it anymore.


	6. The Academy Goes to the Dogs

 So far classes had been going fairly well for Mizuki and Iruka. The kids tended to listen to them and their “innovative curriculum” had been okayed by the headmaster…and Mizuki got to introduce more kids to giant shuriken. He’d been so happy that day.

 Of course, there was eventually a problem.

 “You have got to be kidding me,” Kakashi Hatake said. “I go lead a reconnaissance mission, they put the two guys who teach the same class on it, and they both get injured.”

 “Our bad?” Mizuki offered. “Honestly, I’ll be out by tomorrow…but yeah, teaching some of those kids with a healing leg and no backup is a bad plan.”

 “Screw you. I’m stuck in this bed for _three days_ ,” Iruka growled. “Damn paralytics…”

 “Does he always swear when poisoned?” Kakashi asked.

 “Dunno. Never happened when I was around him before,” Mizuki conceded. “Okay…who do we know who can sub for us?”

 “Not me. I’m training newbie ANBU all week,” Kakashi said. “Kurenai and Asuma are out on missions…Itachi?”

 “Regardless of how terrified some of the kids are of him, I doubt most will listen to a fourteen year old teacher,” Iruka said.

 “Kisame?” Kakashi tried.

 “Can’t be trusted with quite that many kids on his own. He gets stressed and just lets his sword chakra-drain them into ‘naptime’,” Mizuki said.

 “Okay…well, we can’t use Anko,” Kakashi said. “The parents would murder you both in your sleep.”

 “Who else do we know?” Mizuki asked. “I mean, we need someone commanding, intelligent, and able to keep the attention of over twenty nine-year-olds…”

 Kakashi tapped his chin, “Err…how desperate are you, exactly?”

.o.o.o.

 “Guys, there’s a dog at the desk,” Sasuke said quietly.

 “What do we do?” Chouji asked. “Is he lost?”

 “Kiba, go ask him if he’s lost,” Sakura said.

 “No way, he’s got a headband—that’s a trained ninken right there! Shit, there’s more of them!” Kiba said.

 “Children, please come in,” the small dog said. “We are your substitute teachers. I am Pakkun. These are Bull, Urushi, Shiba, Bisuke, Akino, Uhei, and Guruko.”

 “We’re getting taught by…ninja dogs?” one boy in the back of the group asked.

 “Yes. Please take your seats,” Pakkun said. “Now, we are going to have a basic quiz so my comrades and I know where you are. The one who answers the most questions correctly gets to…touch my paw.” He held up a tiny pink paw. 

.o.o.o.

 Iruka groaned as the nurse gave him more medicine. “Just tell me when this poison will wear off?”

 “Three days, Umino-san,” she said. “Please be patient.”

 Iruka wondered how he could be patient—he’d handed his kids over to Kakashi’s ninken!

.o.o.o.

 “Very good, Sakura. Lightning County _is_ second to Iron for its mines,” Pakkun said. “Now, who was the Shodaime Hokage’s brother?”

 “The Nidaime!” Naruto said.

 “Good. Bull, how are the points?”

 “Sakura’s winning by a landslide,” the big dog said. “I say give in now.”

 “Al right, Haruno Sakura is the winner. Miss, you may now touch my paw. As you will note it is very soft.” Pakkun held his paw out.

 Sakura looked at him, before slowly getting up and walking to the front of the room. She took his paw. “Wow! It’s _really_ soft!”

 “Now then, Bisuke will give you all a lesson on chakra theory,” Pakkun said. “And Guruko and I shall bite anyone who falls asleep—even you, Akamaru.”

 Everyone sat up just a bit straighter at that.

.o.o.o.

 “So, with Iruka and Mizuki out, who’s teaching your brother’s classes?” Kisame asked as he and Itachi sparred.

 “I don’t know. I saw Mizuki today and he said Kakashi got someone for them,” Itachi replied. “Phoenix Sage Fire jutsu.”

 “Damn! Oh well, that was nice of Kakashi. You think he’ll lend me some of his books? Water Shark Bullet!”

 “I don’t know, but don’t let me catch you reading them around Sasuke. Shadow Clone Bomb.”

 “Damn it!”

.o.o.o.

 “All right, kids, lunch time,” Pakkun said. “Eat quickly. Bisuke and Akino have genjutsu practice for you after this.”

 “And we called Iruka and Mizuki slave drivers,” Ino groaned.

 “Still, we’re learning a lot! And they haven’t made us pull out our textbooks yet!” Naruto said happily.

 “Good point,” Sasuke said, munching on some tomatoes his mom had given him. “How long are they subbing, anyway? What happened to Iruka and Mizuki?”

 “Iruka-nii’s in the hospital—he got poisoned with something that won’t let him move. Mizuki just hurt his leg, but he can’t come back until Iruka does,” Naruto said. “But he is making sure I eat my good foods for Iruka-nii.”

 “You still won’t eat vegetables?” Sasuke asked.

 “Actually, he gave up on those real quick and is just making sure I don’t always eat ramen…I don’t know how he can dislike it, honestly,” Naruto grumbled. “He makes good sushi, though.”

.o.o.o.

 Mizuki groaned—thus far he’d managed to keep Naruto’s diet stable for Iruka by having the kid come over for breakfast and making his lunches. However, he’d decided to check on Naruto’s cabinets and see just what the kid stocked in them, anyway.

 He had, however, forgotten something.

 Naruto lived on the top floor of a building with no elevator. Mizuki glared at his crutches.

.o.o.o.

 Day two of “we’re being taught by ninken” was off to a good start. Pakkun had given back tests Mizuki must have graded, and then told everyone to head into the yard.

 “So he just had to wait until you got home to help him up the steps?” Sasuke asked.

 “Yeah, Mizuki wanted to keep his promise to Iruka-nii so he waited,” Naruto said. “And then he declared my apartment unlivable and is making me stay with him and went to tell Iruka on me…I knew I should have cleaned my room!”

 “If he went right for _unlivable_ I’m not sure any basic room-cleaning would have helped,” Shikamaru mused.

 “Attention!” Bull ordered. “Today we will be doing endurance testing. We will divide the girls and boys for this. Boys, start running laps. Girls, drop and give me twenty!”

 Only Sakura and Hinata managed all of the pushups, though Ino came close. Bull nodded. “Now, jumping jacks! Twenty!”

 Sakura glanced over at the track—Akino and Guruko were keeping at the boys heels while Uhei led them in front.

 “Good jumping jacks! Now, pull ups!”

.o.o.o.

 “Man, our ninken teachers rock!” Kiba said. “You’re going to be that smart one day, aren’t you Akamaru?”

 The puppy yipped happily.

 “Ninken teachers?”

 “Mom!” Kiba said. “Oh, um, guys, this is my mom—Tsume Inuzuka.” He noticed just about everyone had taken a step back. Shikamaru hadn’t, probably due to his own scary mom, and neither had Sasuke, probably due to exposure to Kisame, who looked about as scary as his mom did.

 “Hi,” most of the kids said, though he heard Chouji add “scary lady.”

 “Hello, kids,” Tsume said. “Now, what’s this about ninken teachers?”

 “Well, it’s really only for one more day…maybe two,” Sasuke said. “It depends when Iruka-sensei gets out of the hospital…”

 “Don’t most classes have two teachers?” Tsume asked, folding her arms.

 “…Well, yeah, but the other one’s got a hurt leg. We think the Old Man pitied him and won’t send him in to handle us without backup,” Naruto said. “So we get to be taught by these totally awesome dogs!”

 “Whose ninken are they?” Tsume asked. For someone to train multiple ninken to the level they’d be trusted with a whole class…well, she might need to encourage some unmarried members of her clan to get their hooks into them.

 “I don’t know…they all wear these weird vests, though,” Kiba said.

 “Some guy named Kakashi’s,” Naruto told Tsume. “Mizu-nii said they had no other choice—their other options were taken.”

 Kakashi Hatake? Tsume considered that. The man was twenty-three…too old for Hana, but there were certainly other unattached ladies in the clan and as far as she knew he had no love life…

 “Oh god, she’s planning something! Everyone run!” Kiba said, hopping the academy wall.

.o.o.o.

 “Class, I am pleased to inform you that your teachers will be back tomorrow. You have all been very good students,” Pakkun said. “Naruto, why so glum? Did you really like us as teachers that much?”

 “Mizu-nii didn’t let me have ramen yesterday!” Naruto groaned.

 “Ah. Favorite food withdrawal,” Chouji said. “It’s common in my clan. Here, have some chips, it’ll take your mind off it.”

 “No chips unless shared with teachers,” Bull said.

 Chouji quietly pulled out a few extra bags and passed them around.

 “Thank you,” Bull said.

 “Now then, today, we shall be studying the art of teamwork. The class will be split into four teams of five, each team with two of us. I asked a teaching assistant to hide flags in the training area. You are to find and fight for those flags,” Pakkun said.

.o.o.o.

 “And it didn’t even have heat or air conditioning?” Iruka asked.

 “Not a lick! And the fridge barely works—that milk was beyond rotten! _Now_ do you see why I made him come to my place?” Mizuki asked.

 “… _Your_ place is always a _mess_ …”

 “That better be the painkillers,” Mizuki said. “Anyway, he can stay with you after you get better, but I’m taking vengeance on his superintendent after we move him out…huh. I wonder if Avenger tendencies are contagious…”

 “My place is tiny,” Iruka said, shrugging. “I’m not sure I _can_ take him.”

 “I told you to move out of the studio apartment, but do you listen, no…” Mizuki muttered. “Okay, here’s an Itachi-style idea—you both move in with me.”

 “…How big is your apartment, anyway?” Iruka asked.

 “Pretty big. I have to have space for my _mess_ after all,” Mizuki mocked.

 “Okay, but you do realize this will only fuel the rumors that we’re dating, right?”

 “Oh god no—you’re like, my little brother or something!” Mizuki yelled. “We’re practically related! God that’s wrong—it’s like saying Itachi wants to date Sasuke! So wrong!”

 Iruka sighed as Mizuki continued his rant. The wouldn’t _have_ those rumor issues if the guy just asked out his crush, Tsubaki, but no, he had to be all freaking tsundere on them…

.o.o.o.

 “Ha! We have one of your captains hosta—YOW!” Naruto yelped as Bisuke bit him.

 “Idiot,” Sasuke groaned, trying to stop Bull and Chouji from getting to the tag. “Kiba—take it and bolt!”

 “Innovative, though,” Pakkun commented from atop Sasuke’s head.

 “Sasuke’s brother says it’s rude,” Sakura said, just managing to pin Ino.

 “We’re shinobi. We do have to be rude sometimes,” Pakkun said. “Sasuke-san, your hairstyle is very comfortable…”

 “Um…Thank you?” Sasuke said as he managed to kick Chouji away and dodge Bull. “Akino, Shikamaru, help me!”

 “I’m trying to make him!” Akino growled, trying to drag Shikamaru out from under a tree. “Kid, you are _so_ getting detention for this!”

.o.o.o.

 “Aww…Mizuki and Iruka are back,” Kiba whined.

 “Darn it…” another boy huffed.

 “Nice to see you too,” Mizuki said as he limped over to the blackboard. “Okay, since you’re all _so_ enthusiastic, how about a nice, _long_ lecture on the history of the Hokage Mountain?”

 Iruka had to admit, that was a bit cruel as everyone other than Naruto—still determined to get his face up there, it seemed—groaned and slumped in their seats. On the other hand…the kids just admitted they liked getting taught by _dogs_ better.

 “Make sure to go into the levels of sediment,” he hissed to Mizuki, picking up Pakkun’s report.

.o.o.o.

 Kakashi wasn’t sure why, but several Inuzuka women were suddenly asking him for dates, or if any of his ninken were available for breeding. Or both.

 He wasn’t exactly sure what the cause was…so he decided it was probably come cracked plan of Itachi’s to get him laid and resolved to inform the Hokage that Itachi had graciously “offered” to help with that week’s paperwork.

.o.o.o.

 Back from an exhausting mission with Kisame near Iwa involving _way_ too many disembowelments, Itachi read a notice from the Hokage and wondered if life hated him.


	7. Kunoichi Ideals vs. Fangirl Squeals

 “So, Itachi, how’s the second ninja summer camp going?” Anko asked.

 “Pretty good, but Kisame keeps wanting us to make two permanent teams for some kind of weird competition thing,” Itachi said. “I knew hooking up cable for him was bad news…”

 “Yikes,” Anko laughed. “Where are Iruka and Mizuki?”

 “The Academy only let out a week ago—they’re in recovery,” Itachi said. “Naruto is giving us progress reports. Iruka is improving, but Mizuki somehow managed a five-day hangover.”

 “Wow, that beats my three-and-a-half-day one,” Anko mused. “Anyways, how are your adorable little campers?”

 “Pretty good. Naruto’s chakra control is still fuzzy; despite his practice…I’m almost wondering if _it_ is screwing with the control on purpose to mess with him,” Itachi sighed. “Sasuke’s having fun looking at options that don’t put him in my shadow— _so_ happy about that, by the way—I think Gai’s going to have to fight Kisame for that Lee kid when he graduates…we _still_ haven’t gotten Neji into therapy, though…”

 “How long have you been trying?” Anko asked.

 “Since I met him,” Itachi said.

 “Yet another yikes…” Anko said. “So, how are our little kunoichi in training? Looks like you’ve got more this year!”

 “Yes...my brother seems to have managed a fan club,” Itachi said. “He’s terrified and keeps around Kisame most of the time—Samehada apparently dislikes fangirls.”

 “Really?”

 “Yes. Kisame was very specific on her feelings,” Itachi said. “I’ve even heard her growl a few times this week.”

 “So…what do you do with the fangirls? Make them train?”

 “We try—it doesn’t always go well and many ‘take breaks’ frequently to ogle either Sasuke or Neji. Hinata usually spars with Naruto and Sakura with Kiba, and they made both of them cry for being so ‘boyish’…of course I only have secondhand accounts or believe me, minor torture techniques would have been applied. Ino shut them up, apparently.”

 “Really now?” Anko asked darkly. “I know Kure-chan likes Hinata’s potential…and if Sakura’s tough enough to tangle with a semi-trained Inuzuka already, that’s epic…and I know Inoichi trains his girl hard…Itachi-kun?”

 “Yes?” Itachi asked, not sure he liked where this was going but also not sure he could control it.

 “Can Kure-chan and I take the girls next week? Pretty please with dango on top?”

 “…That would work better without the kunai to my throat.”

 “Oh. Sorry, force of habit! Bye!”

 “What was that?” Kisame asked. “Oh, and Akamaru’s somehow up a tree. Should I just get him down myself or make one of the kids tree-walk for him?”

 “I’ll get the dog,” Itachi said. “And I may have doomed the fangirls in this camp.”

 “…Samehada says if she had arms, she’d hug you.”

.o.o.o.

 “Hello future kunoichi of Konoha!” Anko cheered. “Welcome to your one week of intensive lady-nin training! My name is Mitarashi Anko, special jonin and all-around badass! This is Yuuhei Kurenai, recent jonin and the classiest genjustsu user in the five countries!”

 Kurenai sighed—Anko was really into this. Still, if they were weeding out girls who brought shame to the word kunoichi she was all for it…life as a female ninja was hard enough without fangirls making you look bad.

 “So, everyone, names, specialties, and dreams!” Anko said. “You!”

 “Kunbara Mei,” a redheaded girl said. “I…um…well, I’m not sure what I’m good at but my dream…” She giggled.

 Kurenai crossed her off the list of acceptable candidates.

 “Next!”

 “Haruno Sakura! I’m good at taijutsu and chakra control! I…um…I’m thinking of teaching at the Academy, actually,” Sakura said. “Or a genin team if I make jonin.”

 Kurenai heard someone loudly hiss “manly forehead” and saw Ino threateningly crack her knuckles. She looked for the speaker and crossed her off the list too.

 The introductions went on. Hyuuga Hinata wasn’t sure of her dream yet, but like Sakura she liked taijutsu, and was also into medicine. Yamanaka Ino was good at leading and actually had a dream of being in ANBU. A girl named Tenten wanted to be a weapons master and one day be as famous as Tsunade of the sannin.  Most girls giggled a lot—probably about Sasuke or Neji.

 Kurenai and Anko both considered it a setback that almost no one else knew who Tsunade even was.

 “All right, first lesson—Senju Tsunade! Granddaughter of the first Hokage, student of the Third Hokage, and one of the three Legendary Sannin of the Leaf!” Anko said. “She is possibly the strongest kunoichi to have ever lived and had two main focuses—medical ninjutsu, which she mastered, and taijutsu, where she was known to be stronger than any other person thanks to her perfect application of chakra to physical fighting!”

 “She’s totally amazing!” Tenten told the other girls. “With the flick of a finger, she could shatter a boulder!”

 “That’s right, Tenten-chan,” Kurenai said. “She’s also an excellent example of a kunoichi who doesn’t fit the mold—she is known for her power instead of, say, her charm or her wiles.” She felt it prudent to leave out how Tsunade was also famous for her _bust_.

 “Wow. Was she pretty?” one girl asked.

 “Who cares?” Anko asked, also not mentioning the sannin’s chest for the sake of keeping the class on track. “She could beat up everyone in this village short of the Hokage himself—that’s what matters for the legacy of Tsunade.”

 “So, let us all emulate the greatness of Tsunade-hime by practicing our taijutsu!” Kurenai said. “Anko, I’ll let you have the lead.”

 “Kure-chan, we’ll only have four tomorrow, this I swear,” Anko whispered, saluting.

.o.o.o.

 She was right. Come Thursday morning, only Tenten, Hinata, Sakura, and Ino were there.

 “U-um, sensei,” Hinata told Kurenai. “Th-the other girls said they’d r-rather do the normal camp…”

 “Pussies,” Anko muttered.

 “Language,” Kurenai scolded. “In that case I guess I can tell you about some other famous Konoha kunoichi, and we’ll see if any of that strikes your fancy. Senju Mito, the wife of the first Hokage, was a sealing master and, little known to many in Konoha, aided him when Madara summoned the Kyuubi at the Valley of the End.”

 “Go Mito-sama!” Ino said, wide-eyed.

 “Yes. Now, we also have-”

 “Excuse us.”

 Kurenai looked over. Mei, a girl with pigtails, and two women—one of whom was chunin she vaguely recalled—stood over near the edge of their clearing. “May I help you?”

 “We want to know why our daughters were so heavily mistreated, shinobi-san,” Mei’s mother said.

 “Mistreated? Last I checked, taijutsu practice was common during Itachi’s camp, as was intense taijutsu in order to build stamina,” Kurenai said.

 “Itachi-san allowed breaks,” the woman said.

 “So did we. It lasted for fifteen minutes and we even provided cold water,” Anko. “Look, Itachi might be okay if some of his students get bored and slack off—while coincidentally staring at their crushes—but _this_ is an intensive crash course of what it takes to be a strong kunoichi. If they want to be girls who make genin, run a ton of D-ranks, and then get married and never think of the ninja life again, this isn’t for them.”

 “Marriage is not something that gets in the way of being the shinobi,” the chunin said.

 “Of course not—look at Uchiha Mikoto: an excellent jonin, an even better mother, and if needed she’ll take missions now that her younger son has babysitters,” Kurenai said.

 “We actually had a mission together last month…that woman is a badass with a ninjato, let me tell you,” Anko said. “I really think we bonded.”

 “Probably because Sasuke says you’re the only girl near Itachi’s age who doesn’t throw herself at him…but then we found out Kiba’s sister’s like that too. So at least Itachi has two girls he can trust,” Sakura said.

 “Why would Sasuke-kun talk to _you_?” Mei asked.

 “Oh, he Naruto and I were eating ramen with Kisame-sensei and wondering if Mizuki had become Emo,” Sakura said.

 “You went on a date with Sasuke-kun?” Mei demanded.

 “…no,” Sakura said quietly. “No, I was just eating ramen with him and Naru-”

 “Sasuke-kun is mine!”

 “I can settle this!” Anko declared. “Ladies, honor duel!”

 “ _Anko_ ,” Kurenai said warningly.

 “What?” Ino asked, horrified. “But, sensei, Sakura…”

 “Is going down!” Mei yelled, launching herself at the pink-haired girl. Sakura sidestepped. “Hold still, forehead!”

 “You’re dead, Kunbara!” Ino yelled. “Only I get to call her that! And I was saying Sakura can _kick your ass!_ ”

 Sakura took a deep breath. When Mei rushed her again she stepped forward, shoved the girl’s shoulder to spin her around, and jammed her knee into the small of her back while boxing her ears. She finished up with a leg sweep followed by a jump, leaving Mei on the ground and Sakura standing over her.

 “It’s official—ten year old taijutsu prodigy, right here!” Anko cheered.

 “Chunin-san, I would like for you to talk long and hard about your daughter’s reasons for wanting to be a shinobi, please,” Kurenai said. “Should they be secure, she may return tomorrow.” She turned to Mei’s mother. “Kunbara-san, I recommend Mei vastly improve herself if she even wishes to graduate the shinobi academy. Please leave, all of you.”

 “Now, since I mentioned her, let’s focus on Mikoto-san. She participated in the third ninja war until she was five months pregnant with Itachi san, and was awarded for her cunning in the Battle of the Moonlit Pass…”

.o.o.o.

 “Samehada’s not happy,” Kisame said as a bunch of the girls who’d come back from Kurenai’s camp “took breaks” and sat down to ogle. “She’s really, really not happy, guys.”

 “I can hear the growling just fine, thank you,” Itachi said. “Wait…Kisame, send the girls home—tell them there’s a competition they’ll be in on Saturday and they’ll need to prepare. Mizuki, run this message to Kurenai for me…”

 “We’re going to do it?” Kisame asked hopefully.

 “Yes, Kisame. You’ll get your two-team competition,” Itachi said. “But here’s how you and Iruka are going to tailor it…”

.o.o.o.

 “Welcome, ladies and gentlemen!” Kisame said cheerfully. “This is the only, the only, Future Kunoichi of Konoha Showdown! I’m your host Kisame and this is Mizuki, my color commentator.”

 “Green,” Mizuki said sarcastically, having been forced into this.

 “Remember your training, ladies,” Anko said. “Oh?”

 It was the pigtailed girl from Thursday. She bowed. “Anko-senpai, I wish to compete on your team. My momma and I had a talk, and I’m going to be a good kunoichi!”

 “Name and abilities—with _feeling_ this time,” Anko said.

 “Suri Honda!” Suri said. “I like ninjutsu, especially fire ones!”

 “Welcome Suri,” Anko said. “Okay ladies, listen up—you are to beat those girls into the dust and show them that being a kunoichi takes more commitment than just mooning over boys! Can I get a yes ma’am?”

 “Yes ma’am!” the five yelled.

 “All right! Proceed to your challenges!” Anko said.

 “…Wow,” Iruka said. “Now _that_ is enthusiasm. Girls, you’re going to be tested in the basic areas of being a kunoichi—cunning, patience, strength, endurance, and chakra control. As one team has twice as many as the other, they will have two people do each challenge with the scores evened out. Now, first, the test of cunning!”

 “Um, I think that’s you, Ino. I’m smart, but you fit the definition of cunning better,” Sakura said.

 “All right,” Ino said, heading up.

 “For this test, you need to arrange the puzzle pieces so you can get to the key behind it,” Iruka said. “You will work in these cubicles so the others cannot see what you are doing.”

 Ino looked at the puzzle—it seemed like it could be moved to where there was a hole in it. She began shifting the pieces—darn it, puzzles were Sakura’s thing…

 Wait. Puzzles were Sakura’s thing and Sakura said cunning was _her_ thing.

 Wait again… _arrange_? Ino pulled the pieces out, stacked them, and held up the key.

 “Ino Yamanaka wins with a time of one minute and twelve seconds!” Kisame cheered. “What a win, ladies and gentlemen!”

 “Purple and blonde,” Mizuki said, sharpening a shuriken.  

 The other girls slunk back, annoyed.

 “Next, the challenge of patience! Choose your competitor!” Kisame announced.

 “Hinata,” the other four said.

 “Okay girls, for this challenge you have to meditate on this plank placed on a stump. If you move too much, you’ll fall,” Iruka said. “You can begin. Asuma-san has agreed to monitor you during the other events.”

 “And the test of patience has begun!” Kisame said. “Next—the test of strength!”

 Tenten easily cut deeper into a hunk of wood with a kunai than the other girls.

 “Wow…that was...really all you had?” Kisame asked.

 “If we had even teams it would have been tug-of-war, but we don’t,” Iruka replied.

 “Orange,” Mizuki sighed, scanning the crowd of semi-interested kids and seeing a hyperactive Naruto. “Neon orange.”

 “Next is the test of endurance!” Kisame said. “How long can the girls take—being dragged by Hana Inuzuka’s ninken?”

 “I’ll do it,” Suri offered. “I like dogs.”

 “Keep a good grip,” Sakura said.

Meanwhile, Hinata won the test of patience as the other girls tried to sneak a peek to see if Sasuke was looking at them—he was seated far enough to the left that they’d tried to turn and fallen.

 “And they’re off! Ladies and gentlemen, this looks like a doozy! Those triplet canines are giving it all they’ve got! Ooh, one girl goes down, it’s neck and neck, leash and leash!” Kisame cheered.

 “Wait, no, the girl in blue let go too. The winner is the girl in green,” Mizuki said.

 “Winner, Suri Honda!”

 “Chakra control’s in the bag with you, Sakura!” Ino cheered. “Clean sweep!”

 It was…not that there wasn’t an objection.

 Mei Kunbara jumped at Sakura, who shoved her into a bobbed blonde, who tried to punch Sakura only for Ino to intercept…

 And thus the Future Kunoichi of Konoha Showdown became the Legendary Academy Girls Catfight of Doom.

.o.o.o.

 “Ladies, drinks on me,” Kisame said. “Samehada salutes you.”

 Anko grabbed her sake. “Man I love training little crazies. Iruka, Mizuki, if you ever need a sub-”

 “No!” both men yelled.


	8. Sick, Dazed, and Just Plain Crazy

 “Okay, I never heard of a kid _sleepwalking_ when they got the flu,” Mizuki said, picking Naruto up for the third time that night.

 “He’s always headed for the kitchen…do you think it’s because we’re not letting him eat much ramen since he’s sick?” Iruka mused, rubbing at his eyes and putting the picture Naruto had knocked over back in place.

 “You two and ramen,” Mizuki muttered, putting Naruto back in bed.

 “Well…you have your giant shuriken issues.”

 “There’s no _issue_ , they’re just my favorite weapon,” Mizuki said. “You know, them and my fists.”

 “Right,” Iruka said. “Okay, I’ll try and make sure he stays in bed. You head over to Itachi’s tomorrow and see if camp is still cancelled.”

.o.o.o.

 Konoha had been hit a bit badly by the flu that summer, and while the medics had taken notice and quickly given all shinobi immunizations a.s.a.p. there were quite a few ninja and kids sick. Case in point…

 “I’m really sort of surprised your mom trusts me with this,” Kisame said.

 Itachi made a low growling noise from under the covers. Kisame was pretty sure Sasuke was in there too—he could see little wisps of hair that were wirier than Itachi’s—so he went to get a second glass of water. “Okay you two. Medicine time.”

 Since quite a few shinobi had been incapacitated, every able-bodied jonin and chunin was necessary. Mikoto was an able-bodied jonin, and unlike Kisame, did not have a tendency to overkill when unsupervised. Fugaku was out with the military police, pretty much doing all the in-village missions since most genin were ill, and supposedly one unlucky lieutenant was filling in for the Hokage’s secretary.

 So now the Monster of the Hidden Leaf, formerly of the Hidden Mist, was taking care of his best friend and his best friend’s little brother.

 “You did make sure _this_ is aspirin small enough for Sasuke to swallow, right?” Itachi asked groggily.

 “Yep, I checked this time. No more choking incidents, I swear.”

 If Sasuke’s throat hadn’t been so dry, he would have gulped.

.o.o.o.

 “They still sick?”

 “Yup,” Kisame said. “Camp is officially out for at least another week.”

 “Great,” Mizuki said. “Iruka’s running himself ragged—Naruto’s energy level plus the flu has had… _fun_ results. Add in the fact that one of us is almost always on a day mission at the very least…”

 “Yikes. Well, if you both get sent at the same time, drop the kid with me,” Kisame said.

 While Mizuki outwardly agreed it was a good option, inwardly he shuddered at the idea of having to do that. Kisame already was dealing with two sick ninja…adding in Naruto would probably kill the guy.

.o.o.o.

 “Kure-chan….dango…”

 “Not until you recover from being poisoned, Anko,” Kurenai said. “Look, I’ve got another mission since half the jonin got this flu thing. I’ll be back—if you’re better, _then_ you can have dango.”

 “I hate the hospital…” Anko whined. “Nurse! Get me dango or I’ll sick a snake on you! Yeah…”

.o.o.o.

 Itachi didn’t usually get sick, but this time was _horrible_. He could barely keep solid food down, non-water liquids weren’t faring much better, and he was so freaking cold!

 Then again, since he and Sasuke both had fevers, Sasuke had an excuse to cuddle up to him without looking “girly” so he’d take it.

 “Niisan…my head hurts…” Sasuke groaned.

 “Go back to bed, Sasuke. Sleep it off,” Itachi said.

 “Can’t Kisame give me something?”

 “Kisame’s being a _very_ good friend and mopping up what you vomited in the hallway. And you can’t have more medicine for another hour.”

 “…Niisan?”

 “Yes Sasuke?”

 “Your hair’s real pretty.”

 “Thank you, Sasuke.”

 “Like…prettier than mom’s or Miss Kurenai’s or-”

 “I _said_ thank you _._ ”

 “Hey, ‘Tachi, why are there blinky purple dots on your ceiling?”

 Itachi looked up—no dots. He felt Sasuke’s head. “Kisame! Please tell me you know an ice jutsu or something!”

.o.o.o.

 “But I don’t want to stay in bed…” Naruto said.

 “Well, you’re going to anyway,” Iruka said. “You need to rest so your body can fight the virus.”

 “But can’t I fight it if I’m _actually_ fighting something?”

 “No. The virus wants you to do that. It’s a secret evil plan it has,” Iruka said.

 “But Ruka-nii…I’m bored…”

 Mizuki came in. “Trade off time. Hokage wants you running the mission office for a few hours.”

 “Good luck, he’s bored again,” Iruka said.

 “Okay then,” Mizuki said. “So, kiddo, how about a game? I’ve got some cards…”

 “I always win at cards,” Naruto said. “That’s _boring_ Mizu-nii.”

 “Okay, okay, um…story?” Mizuki said.

 “…Not a lecture, right?” Naruto asked.

 “No, no, I’m not that stupid, then you’ll just run out and do something crazy,” Mizuki said frankly. “Okay, story, story…how about the time the Second Hokage appointed the Third! That’s really good!”

 “Okay,” Naruto said—his ‘Hokage’ sense piqued.

 “All right. It was the Second Ninja War. The Nidaime was commanding two squads of powerful ninja, but they’d been pinned down by Cloud Nin!”

.o.o.o.

 “I-I-I thought you w-w-were s-supposed to w-warm someone u-u-up when they had a f-f-f-ever,” Sasuke complained as Itachi and Kisame calmly rubbed him with rags dipped in ice water.

 “You are, but your fever’s to the point where it’s bad to be warm and we need to cool you down a bit,” Itachi said. He tried to focus through his headache. “So it was this or putting the ice water in the tub, stripping you naked, and putting you in for a bit.”

 “…I-I-I’ll take n-n-not being stripped n-n-naked,” Sasuke decided.

 “Good boy,” Kisame said, grabbing the thermometer. “Let’s see if you’ve gotten down to under 104 yet…”

.o.o.o.

 “Kakashi-senpai, are you sure you’re not sick?” Iruka said. “You don’t look well.”

 “Well enough for a mission,” Kakashi said. “And I’m not sick…Gai is. And he lives in the same building as me.”

 “I feel your pain. Naruto’s bouncing off the walls with energy despite still having pretty bad symptoms,” Iruka said.

 “Good luck to you and Mizuki, then,” Kakashi said. “Okay, wild boars…got it.”

.o.o.o.

 Mizuki stared blankly at the thermometer. He knew human temperatures weren’t supposed to be that high, even when you took into account Naruto normally ran about half a degree over average.

 “Mizu-nii…my head feels…funny,” Naruto said. “And my tummy.”

  Mizuki glared at the kid’s stomach for a moment—couldn’t the Kyuubi have stopped him from getting sick or something? It seemed to give him a minor healing factor, so why was he this sick? “We’re going to the hospital.”

 “But…they don’t like me there, Mizu-nii…”

 “Then I’ll get violent,” Mizuki said bluntly. “Okay, pants, shirt, blanket, let’s go!” He scooped the kid up and hurried out.

 The damn fox better be asleep or something…

.o.o.o.

 Kyuubi, in the middle of one of his month-long naps (used partly to deal with how his host had gotten even crazier after becoming the member of a household), twitched a little before going back to a very nice dream about eating Madara Uchiha.

.o.o.o.

 Mizuki entered the hospital and nodded at Naruto. “Oi, need a doctor.”

 The receptionist looked up, recognized Naruto, and ignored him.

 Shifting Naruto to a single arm, Mizuki grabbed the counter. “Lady, this kid needs a doctor. _Now_ would be _wonderful_.”

 The woman ignored him even more. Okay, time to do this the pissed-off-ninja way.

 “See these seals on my belt? Yeah, I’ve got eight giant shuriken in there and if you don’t get this kid a doctor, _I swear I’ll_ -”

 “Aminota-san, why aren’t you serving them?” a second woman, a medical ninja, asked crossly.

 Mizuki blushed. Tsubaki-chan…wait, wait, focus on Naruto. Ignore the pretty girl.

 “I don’t know, Tsubaki-san, but Naruto needs a doctor. _Now_.”

 “Oh god, he’s burning up!” Tsubaki said. “Come on, I was just freed up. Let’s get some diagnostics and some medication into the little guy…”

 Naruto stirred a bit and grumbled. Mizuki sighed, “It’s okay kiddo; we have a doctor now.”

 “Aw, you’re so sweet with him,” Tsubaki said. “Now, was he experiencing the typical flu symptoms before this?”

 “Ah, well, he was really hyper despite being sick,” Mizuki said, putting Naruto down on the cot. “He hasn’t been too nauseous, though…oh, and he’s been sleepwalking.”

 “Wow. He must have a lot of energy trying to get out,” Tsubaki said. “Mizuki-san?”

 “Yeah?” Mizuki asked.

 “Would you really have pulled a giant shuriken on her?”

 “…Yes.”

 “Good. Children shouldn’t be denied treatment.”

 It was official— _he was in love_.

.o.o.o.

 “Sasuke asleep?” Kisame asked.

 “Yeah, at least I’m starting to feel better,” Itachi said. “Thanks for doing this buddy, I really owe you.”

 “Itachi! Sasuke! Kisame! I’m back!”

 “Momma?” Sasuke muttered, his eyelids fluttering.

 “Hi Mrs. Uchiha,” Kisame said. “Um...can I just crash on your couch tonight?”

 “Sure,” Mikoto said. “Has Fugaku been by? I know I’ve been gone three days…”

 “For like five minutes. He and the military police have been taking up some of the sick-shinobi slack, after all…and he has to do all their paperwork for it,” Kisame said. “He said he’s living on caffeine right now and I completely believe him.”

 “How were the boys?” Mikoto asked, pulling out her tanto and cleaning it over the bathroom sink.

 “Ah…not so great. Sasuke had a fever spike and got a little delirious, he also threw up like three times…I lost count how many times Itachi did, but they can keep rice down now…”

 “All right, not only can you stay the night, I’m making you dinner for putting up with all that,” Mikoto said, heading for the kitchen. “Favorite food?”

 “Shrimp, crab…really any seafood other than shark fin soup, honestly…” Kisame said.

 “I think I can make some shrimp tempura. Thank you so much for all your help—Itachi, Sasuke get back in bed!”

 “Just checking in,” Itachi said blearily, before heading into the bathroom.

 “Mom, you’re going to stay home for a while, right?” Sasuke asked.

 “Yes sweetie. Mommy’s all done kicking evil ninja butt on the border,” Mikoto said cheerily. “Now get back in bed, I’ll bring you some mild soup later, okay?”

 At the retching sounds from the bathroom Mikoto corrected herself, “ _Very_ mild soup.”

.o.o.o.

 “Thanks for leaving a note, I almost panicked,” Iruka said.

 “No problem,” Mizuki said. “Tsubaki gave him something to help him sleep—he’s been out for a few hours now.”

 “Oh, that’s good. What have you been doing?”

 “Also sleeping.”

 “Lucky bastard,” Iruka chuckled.

 “Well, Naruto should be on the mend pretty soon if you keep giving him the prescription—it helps keep him drowsy,” Tsubaki said, handing Mizuki a bottle. She looked at Iruka. “Um, Umino Iruka, right?”

 “Iruka’s fine,” Iruka said. “Tsubaki-san, we’re really grateful.”

 He elbowed Mizuki. The white haired man shot him a look, before nodding, “Yes, um, I’m really glad you…could help us, Tsubaki-san…”

 Iruka lightly kicked him.

 “Um, maybe when Naruto’s better…can I take you out to dinner—as a thank you?” Mizuki said hurriedly.

 “Oh, um, sure!” Tsubaki said, blushing. “Well, I need to get going. Drop by when you have a time set.”

 “S-sure,” Mizuki said. He stared after her as she left.

 “Such a lover boy,” Iruka mocked.

 “Shut up. At least I have a crush.”

 “I do too.”

 “No you don’t.”

 “Yes I do.”

 “Well, who is it?”

 “I’ll never tell _you_ , I’ll say that.”

 “You’re totally lying.”

 “Am not.”

.o.o.o.

 And so, the Hidden Leaf survived the flu crisis, with the only serious damage being done by a high-on-meds Maito Gai, who broke part of his apartment building.

 Kakashi could have _sworn_ he’d had the right dose that time, too.


	9. ANBU vs. Academy Students?

 “I’ve endangered your students.”

 Iruka and Mizuki looked up from the tests they were grading.

 “What do you _mean_ you endangered their class?” Tsubaki called from the kitchen, where she was showing Naruto how to make onigiri.

 “Who’s that?” Kakashi asked. “Aw, Mizuki, did you finally ask that girl out? Nice!”

 “Explain,” Iruka said darkly. Mizuki quietly scooted his chair away from his friend who was managing an excellent Killing Intent output.

 “Okay, so you know how I keep flunking genin teams right? Of course you do,” Kakashi said. “And how, because of that the Hokage always assigns me to train newbie ANBU recruits?”

 “Yes. It’s the only excuse of yours that’s ever true,” Iruka replied. “Now _how did you endanger our kids_?”

 “…The new batch has been really disappointing and I said I knew a bunch of academy students who were more dedicated,” Kakashi said. “So…Class 3B has been challenged to face ANBU trainees…”

 “Are you really telling us that ANBU trainees _formally challenged_ an academy class?” Mizuki asked.

 “It’s scheduled for Saturday,” Kakashi confirmed. “They aren’t allowed to kill the kids of course, but…yeah.”

 Iruka stood. “I’m going to get Itachi—we need help with this. Mizuki, keep him here. I’m not done with him yet.” He stormed out.

 Mizuki looked at Kakashi, “I, a taijutsu and weapons-based chunin, and supposed to keep you, and all-around genius jonin, somewhere you don’t want to be by…what means?”

 “Don’t bother, I’m good,” Kakashi said. He settled down on the couch and pulled out a newer Icha-Icha.

 “Whatever,” Mizuki muttered. “Damn, Sakura’s essays are good…”

 “Mizu-nii! Look! I made onigiri and Tsubaki-chan said I did great!” Naruto yelled, running in with a plate. “Try it, try it!”

 “Down boy,” Mizuki muttered. “Oh, and stop answering quiz questions with run-on sentences. A ninja is concise.” He took an onigiri.

 “He did a good job, didn’t he Mizuki? Tsubaki asked. “I think he—jonin-san, put that book away!”

 “What?” Kakashi asked. “Why?”

 “She’s like Iruka when it comes to those,” Mizuki said. “I pity Jiraiya-sama if he ever comes to town…”

 Kakashi slowly put the book away. “So…you’re Tsubaki, huh?”

 “Yes. I’m a chunin, medic-nin,” Tsubaki replied. “I’ll go get some cups and something to drink—this sounds like it’ll be an interesting night.”

 “Why?” Naruto asked, putting the plate down.

 “Kakashi got your class into a rivalry with trainee ANBU,” Mizuki said. “Kick him for me, will you?”

 “But now he knows I will,” Naruto said, sitting on the floor.

 “Oh, right,” Mizuki sighed.

 Iruka came back with a tired-looking Itachi.

 “What happened to you—ow!” Kakashi hissed as Naruto got his shin.

 “Nice job, waiting until he was distracted,” Mizuki said absentmindedly. “Iruka, you so owe me for finishing these…”

 “To answer you, Kakashi, Sasuke and Kisame needed to be corralled from a particularly over-enthusiastic game of tag,” Itachi said. “Midtems?”

 “Yup,” Mizuki said. “Now let Kakashi tell you how he’s endangered our poor, sweet class.”

 “You called us little monsters two days ago!” Naruto argued.

 “Well, _somebody_ glued me to my chair,” Mizuki shot back.

 “I already know,” Itachi said. “Iruka told me. Kakashi, my mother overheard and wishes for me to inform you that if anything happens to Sasuke, I won’t be grounded for killing you.”

 “What is the challenge, anyway?” Iruka asked.

 “Unspecified. We just need something the kids are good at that trainee ANBU aren’t likely to be.”

 “Or at least something a group of Mizuki and Iruka’s kids are good at…” Tsubaki mused.

 “Good plan, I can work with that,” Itachi said. “Iruka, Kakashi, Mizuki, Miss…um…”

 “Tsubaki.”

 “Oh, nice, Mizuki finally asked you out. Anyway, I’ll need some giant shuriken, confetti, exploding tags, paint, balloons, white bandannas, wire, and to quickly talk with Yoshino Nara.”

 “I’ve got the giant shuriken,” Mizuki said.

 “We all kind of guessed that one,” Iruka said.

.o.o.o.

 “Thanks for coming, Tsubaki. Either way this works out, _someone’s_ going to need a medic,” Itachi said. “Iruka, Mizuki, is this everyone competent?”

 “Yup. We only picked the ones we knew wouldn’t crack and would do their best,” Mizuki said. “…And Shikamaru because you said we had to.”

 Shikamaru sent Itachi and annoyed look. Itachi prayed he didn’t take revenge again.

 “All right, that gives us six boys, four girls, and one puppy,” Itachi said. “Does everyone remember the basic idea?”

 “Yes!” all the kids said.

 “And who is the only one allowed to fully plot it?” Iruka asked.

 “Me,” Shikamaru sighed. “What a _drag_ …and Naruto can in an emergency.”

 “Correct. They’re here,” Itachi said.

 “Hello, Itachi-san,” a man with a bear mask said. The others were a cat, a bird, a dog, and two wolves.

 “Hello. These are our students. They have decided the challenge shall be paint tag,” Iruka said.

 “What?” the bird asked.

 “Paint tag,” Iruka explained. “Whichever team is less covered in the other team’s color by noon wins. You have half an hour to prepare, and remember, no lethal techniques. Your paint is yellow, the kids’ is blue.”

 “So get lost,” Mizuki said, and the kids took off running. The ANBU headed into the woods after them, after some looked silently at Mizuki for the odd command.

 “…I’ll go get detergent,” Itachi decided.

 “Get lunches too—those kids will be hungry by noon!” Tsubaki called.

.o.o.o.

 “All right, these ANBU are older, faster, bigger, and stronger than us,” Shikamaru said. “However, Kakashi-san already pointed out their weakness—they lack determination. We make this hard and aggravating, frustrate them to the extreme, and they will get sloppy out of sheer annoyance. Now, does everyone know their roles?”

 “Yes,” the others agreed. Kiba and Akamaru started digging. Sasuke, Sakura, and Hinata grabbed the wire and balloons and took off. Naruto, Shino, and Ino grabbed some paint and headed higher into the treetops. Chouji and Suri hung back with Shikamaru, and started planting the giant shuriken into the ground to make a makeshift barrier.

 Shikamaru sat behind the barrier under a tree. “Let’s go.”

.o.o.o.

 “Okay, so we rough them up a bit. Douse them in paint, and then go yell at Kakashi?” Hawk asked.

 “Right,” Bear said. “Cat, use your Byakugan.”

 “Wow, what a waste,” Cat sighed, activating her eyes. “You know, my clan’s heiress is in this bunch. Be careful with her.”

 “She dangerous?” Wolf One asked.

 “More like delicate,” Cat huffed. “Wires!”

 “Sharp ones, too,” Bear noted, cutting a leaf on one. “So, they don’t want us to get through, huh?” He drew his katana and cut through the metal web.

 Smoke bombs went off.

 “Above!” Hawk yelled as spheres descended. They dodged, but the spheres were paint-filled balloons that splattered. Bear and Cat got some blue paint on their armor, and a little was on Wolf Two’s boots.

 “Sneaky brats,” Bear muttered. “All right, they want to play defense—so let’s take the fight right to them!”

.o.o.o.

 “Phase one complete,” Sakura reported. “We need our bandannas for the final assault.”

 “Here,” Shikamaru said. “Suri, grab your bandanna and go down the tunnel to tell Kiba and Akamaru they’re coming. Here’s your paint.”

 “Yes sir,” Suri said.

 “All right, Sasuke, Chouji, let’s prepare. I just hope phase two is working,” Shikamaru said, sliding down to lay in the grass.

.o.o.o.

 “Now, be careful, and make sure you can still fly,” Shino said quietly.

 “Are they done?” Ino hissed as she and Naruto tied their bandannas to cover their noses and mouths.

 “Yes,” Shino said. “Over two-hundred Kikaichu carrying bits of wet paint between their feet are ready for duty. Did you set up the extra trays where I asked?”

 “Yep,” Naruto said. “But if this works, we won’t need them.”

 Ino nodded, “Now we just wait for the signal.”

.o.o.o.

 Hinata swallowed. This was kind of scary—she reminded herself that most rookie ANBU were only chunin level, and nowhere near someone like Kisame or Kurenai. She adjusted her bandanna, which covered her entire face.

 She saw them coming and made the seal. Explosives and confetti went everywhere. The Cat ANBU yelped—the flashes in the explosives had been made to strobe in ways that poorly affected the Byakugan.

 Unless, of course, the team leader had insisted you wear filtering goggles and hide them under, say, a bandanna?

.o.o.o.

 “Where’d she go?” bear demanded.

 “My eyes!” Cat screamed. “That little…”

 “This is insane. We need to call this off,” Hawk said, tapping his forehead.

 “Nah, this is probably all they’ve got—and the confetti’s already clearing,” Wolf One said.

 “I don’t know,” Dog said quietly. “H-hey! There’s blue on you!

 The team examined themselves—thin blue streaks adorned their vests and pants.

 “What the…”

 “Bugs!” Wolf Two yelled in disbelief as some blue-footed bug flew off.

 “Death from above!” Dog and Hawk seized the two blondes that had tried to jump them.

 “All right, brats, we’ve got you now!” Bear said.

 “You would…if this wasn’t a suicide mission!” the boy laughed.

 Blue paint went everywhere.

.o.o.o.

 “Half-hour left,” Iruka said.

 “I’ll get the detergent mixed,” Mizuki said, filling some large tubs with water.

 “I have the bandages,” Tsubaki added.

 “And I have the camera,” Itachi said.

.o.o.o.

 “Found you!” Bear yelled. “Think you can hide behind those shuriken?” The blue-covered ANBU charged.

 “No,” Shikamaru said. “NOW!”

 Chouji, Sakura, and Sasuke yanked on wires attacked to the shuriken, ripping them out of the ground and hurling them at the ANBU. The ANBU jumped away to dodge, only into stumble into Kiba and Akamaru’s digging. Suri set off some paint bombs while Sakura and Hinata rushed in with buckets.

 Shikamaru grinned—what a plan. He hadn’t even had to move for the whole thing!

.o.o.o.

 “Ino, tilt your head further left…there we go,” Tsubaki said, helping the girl get the paint out of her hair.

 “Well, we have six blue coated ANBU, and there’s plenty of yellow _and_ blue on Naruto and Ino,” Itachi said. “I say the Academy kids won.”

 “And now Shino owns bug with blue feet!” Naruto added.

 “Yes, yes, bugs with blue feet,” Iruka agreed as he continued rinsing Naruto off. “Itachi, why _white_ bandannas?”

 “I’m infiltrating an auction later this month. I intent to stick them to a plank of wood and call it modern art,” Itachi said flatly.  

 “Nice to be used, niisan,” Sasuke quipped.

 “I get a copy of that picture,” Mizuki said. “It is _so_ going on my desk.”

 “And I get to kick six idiots into _remedial_ training, freeing up my week,” Kakashi said brightly.

 “ _Good_. You can _use_ that time helping us teach the kids about ninjutsu variety,” Iruka said.

 “I’ll tell the Hokage he volunteered later today,” Itachi added.

 “You know, I think he knows it’s really just our way of screwing with each other,” Kakashi said.

 “Yes, of course he does, he _the Hokage_ ,” Itachi said. “Personally, I think he finds it funny. So long as we don’t end up giving him more work, anyway.”

.o.o.o.

 “You read my mind, boy,” Sarutobi said, watching the fun through his crystal ball. “You read my mind…”


	10. How Not to Catch a Traitor

 In retrospect, Mizuki and Iruka guessed they shouldn’t have pried.

 Mizuki shouldn’t have randomly been reading the shinobi files they were organizing at all, he shouldn’t have gotten interested in a random ‘hey, wasn’t he in our class?’ genin, Iruka shouldn’t have listened to him, they shouldn’t have asked after the guy, and they definitely _shouldn’t have let him know they were doing that_.

 Hindsight was twenty-twenty…and now they were locked in a room with the decidedly-stronger-than-a-genin Yakushi Kabuto, Naruto, and Sasuke, with no way out.

 And they had only one hope.

.o.o.o.

 Said hope was running to the Konoha military police as fast as her legs could carry her. Her pink hair flying wildly, headband fallen off long ago, Haruno Sakura crashed through the door and headlong into the chief himself.

 “What the?”

 “Chief!”

 “Who’s she?”

 “Mr.…Mr. Sasuke’s dad-san,” Sakura panted. “A-a crazy-he…Iruka-sensei signaled me to run…”

 “Slow down,” Fugaku said, steadying her. “You’re from Sasuke’s class, right? Now just breathe and tell me what’s going on.”

 “Crazy guy…I don’t know what he wants…ninja, forehead protector,” Sakura panted. “Smart, said he’d hurt or…kill?…he’s with sensei and sensei and Naruto and Sasuke!”

 “Where?” Fugaku demanded.

 “A-Academy storage. I couldn’t help, I’m sorry, I-”

 “No, no, you did great,” Fugaku said, putting her down on a desk. “Inabi, get my wife over here to look after her. Let’s try and keep this quiet, everyone. Tekka, go inform the Hokage. Be discreet. Yashiro, keep talking to the girl, find out more. You four,” he pointed to some other officers. “You’re with me—hostage situation stakeout. Bring your radios.”

.o.o.o.

 “Boys, stay behind us,” Mizuki said quietly.

 ‘He hasn’t just killed us and run,’ Iruka thought. ‘What’s he want?’ “Kabuto, I don’t know what you-”

 “No, you don’t,” the young man said coolly. “But you knew something was wrong. You knew something was off about me. I congratulate you. Not even Danzou or the Hokage have managed that.”

 “Danzou…?” Mizuki questioned. He’d heard some of the jonin swearing about him under their breath once in a while, but it was apparently well above his and Iruka’s allowed intel level beyond that he was an old “friend” of the Hokage’s and a war hawk. “What does an old cripple have to do with this…?”

.o.o.o.

 Hyuuga Hoteru, a member of the police force despite the traditional clan rivalry, mimicked Mizuki’s lip movements for one of the Uchiha, who had his Sharingan activated.

 “Danzou? What does an old cripple have to do with this? Nothing and everything, you ignorant worm. Don’t call Mizu-nii names, you-”

 “Umeji, go tell the Hokage that at once,” Fugaku ordered. “Jin, perimeter check.” He turned on his radio. “Yashiro?”

 “Mikoto-sama is here. The girl gave some more info—the man’s name is Yakushi Kabuto. I sent someone for his file. Itachi-sama came with Mikoto-sama and is headed your way.”

 “Good,” Fugaku said. They needed a mind like Itachi’s on this.

.o.o.o.

 “Shut up, you little brat,” Kabuto growled.

 “Four-eyed bastard!” Naruto mocked, safe behind Iruka’s legs. “The only reason you’re not getting your ass kicked is cause Mizu-nii and Ruka-nii are worried about us and we all know it!”

 Mizuki wasn’t entirely sure about that—the guy may have been above chunin level—but it was certainly the only reason _he_ hadn’t attacked yet.

 “So defensive of your big brothers,” Kabuto said sweetly. The fast shift in tones was unnerving. “Would you be so defensive if you knew what they were hiding?”

 Iruka and Mizuki went rigid.

 “Idiot,” Naruto said shaking his head. “I already know what sex is!”

 Iruka choked slightly and resolved to find out later how the hell Naruto knew, and why he thought that was it. After Kabuto was a bloody corpse, preferably.

.o.o.o.

 Fugaku put a hand to his head, “Loud little gaki’s going to get himself killed…”

 “Reporting,” Itachi said, appearing next to him.

 “Rogue ninja. He’s faked being a genin, presumably for a long time. Iruka and Mizuki see him as enough of a threat not to engage with Sasuke and Naruto in there. And the guy’s one step from breaking the Third’s law.”

 “Wonderful,” Itachi muttered. “Do we know what he can do?”

 “No, but he’s referenced Danzou.”

 Itachi mentally noted to send the man a quilting kit or something. He _needed_ a better hobby than ROOT. “Is anyone hurt yet?”

 “No,” Hoteru said. “It’s still at a standoff. Kabuto is between them and the door—Sakura-san must have slipped out before it closed.”

 “Or been outside and just seen things,” Fugaku said. “Since Kabuto hasn’t mentioned her.”

.o.o.o.

 “Oh, you are adorable. Rare quality for a jinchurikki, I’ve heard.”

 “Breaking the Third’s Law is a death sentence,” Mizuki said sternly, his stance subtly shifting.

 “Is it really breaking it when the kid clearly doesn’t know what a jinchurikki even is?” Kabuto laughed. “Here, let me make sure I _really_ break it. A jinchurikki-”

 “Iruka!”

 “Ruka-nii!”

 Iruka had shoved Naruto behind Mizuki and rushed Kabuto with two kunai. Kabuto struck him with a glowing palm and tossed him aside. He didn’t get up.

 “You bastard,” Mizuki growled.

 “Don’t worry; I’ve just temporarily disabled his spinal column at the shoulder-level. I’d have severed it, but you two were kind of nice to me in school, so…” Kabuto shrugged.

 Iruka hissed angrily.

 “Now, we both know _you_ can’t attack me, because that leaves the kiddies open and for all you know they’re my target,” Kabuto said. “And with that little show, I think whatever responders are lurking about by now will have to take a while.”

.o.o.o.

 “He keeps mentioning time,” Itachi said. “Why time?”

 “He’s sure he’ll get away,” Fugaku said. “So he only temporality disabled Iruka and is sure that we won’t be fast enough…”

 “Father…call the station. I need Kisame on standby at the hospital.”

 “Why?” Fugaku asked.

 “His sword can track chakra, if it’s ‘eaten’ it before. Kabuto attacked Iruka with chakra, so there may be some residually left over,” Itachi said. “Just in case he does get away.”

.o.o.o.

 “Don’t you want to know what tipped us off?” Mizuki asked, hoping to change the subject.

  “Not really. I mean, you both do administration duties, so it probably involves my file,” Kabuto said. “Now, as I was saying, a Jinchurikki-”

 “What do you want?”

 Iruka closed his eyes and Sasuke and Naruto stared at Mizuki in shock.

 “What do you want…in order to not finish that sentence?”

.o.o.o.

 “Don’t be stupid, Mizuki, Naruto will want to know now anyway. True, better he find out in a different way but why risk it for this?” Fugaku muttered.

 “He may have noticed the time part as well,” Itachi said. “Hyuuga-san. I need you to tell me exactly where Kabuto is standing within that building.”

.o.o.o.

 “You can’t give me anything I want,” Kabuto said.

 “You want revenge on Danzou, don’t you? I can help with that,” Mizuki said.

 “Really now?”

 “R-right, I can. Itachi, he’s told me about him before. The Uchiha-clan…they’re actually plotting his death with the Hokage. It’s supposed to happen later this week—Iruka and I were supposed to take Sasuke and Naruto to Suna in case things went south.”

 “The Uchiha against Danzou?” Kabuto asked mockingly.

 “H-he’s suspicious of them. Itachi said…he said they were accused for causing the Kyuubi attack, just like Madara did all those years ago,” Mizuki lied. “He says those rumors are part of some plan Danzou has. He didn’t tell me or Iruka any more, he wanted to keep us safe.”

 “…And if things went south, how would Suna help you?” Kabuto asked.

 “Under-control jinchurikki and young Uchiha, right on their doorstep,” Mizuki said. “Wouldn’t you see the advantage?”

 “Most would,” Kabuto agreed.

.o.o.o.

 “You _told_ Iruka and Mizuki about _Danzou_?” Fugaku asked through the radio.

 “Only that he exists, I dislike him, and he’s a war-hawk,” Itachi hissed. “And most chunin know the first and last of those. The rest he made up—I’m surprised he hit the mark about the rumors, though…Iruka’s usually the smart one.”

.o.o.o.

 “It’s true!” Iruka said, catching on. “That’s why he’s been seeing Tsubaki-san so much lately—she was secretly giving him sealed supplies for the trip.”

 Kabuto frowned. “Well, that would be all well and good, gentlemen…if Danzou was a primary objective here.”

 Mizuki gulped. He didn’t want Danzou? Then…

 Kabuto was suddenly in front of him. Mizuki blocked the knife, but a roundhouse kick threw him across the storehouse.

The boys really _were_ his target, after all.

 Sasuke grabbed Naruto and pulled a substitution with a crate. Mizuki rushed Kabuto, hoping to get him by surprise, but the other man turned and threw him into another wall—Mizuki noted that his right arm had suddenly gone numb—before going over and seizing Naruto and Sasuke.

 “Now, here’s what I was saying…”

.o.o.o.

 “Missed our chance,” Itachi swore. Sasuke and Naruto’s chakra was too close to Kabuto’s—he must have been holding them. Mizuki seemed to be staying down, probably trying to come up with some way to save the boys…

.o.o.o.

 “And so the Fourth Hokage sealed the fox into a little baby boy born on that day,” Kabuto said calmly. “You, Naruto-kun.”

 Naruto went slack in his grip as Sasuke tensed. Perfect.

 “Shut up you bastard!” Sasuke screamed. “Don’t you say that! Don’t you say lies like that about Naruto! Naruto’s…the future Hokage, you asshole! Shut up!”

 “Future Hokage, huh?” Kabuto said, dropping Sasuke. “Let’s see how much you care about a demon-container, boy. Fight me for him. You—Mizuki—stay down.”

.o.o.o.

 “He…and _Sasuke_ are fighting?” Hoteru said blankly. “He…wanted to fight Sasuke?”

 “That makes no sense,” Fugaku said. “Why go through all this to fight an Uchiha child who doesn’t even have… _damn_.”

.o.o.o.

 Sasuke kept trying, but Kabuto was a lot stronger than he was, and the dim lighting didn’t help.

 But he was going to save Naruto! “Naruto, come on! Fight back! Help me out here!”

 Naruto was still just hanging in Kabuto’s arm like a doll.

 “Naruto, listen to him!” Iruka said. “You’re not the Kyuubi, you’re my and Mizuki’s little brother and we love you!”

 Naruto stirred slightly.

 “Shut it, you,” Kabuto said, chucking a kunai into Iruka’s side when he had a free moment.

 “He’s right!” Mizuki said. “Naruto, you want to be Hokage right, and protect the village? Well…you protect it _every day_ by keeping the fox back!”

.o.o.o.

 “Itachi, get in there.”

 “What? He’ll hurt the boys.”

 “No he won’t,” Fugaku said. “He’s trying to make Sasuke’s Sharingan activate—I think he plans to kidnap him and kill the other three.”

 Itachi moved. One jump and he was on the roof. One kick and he was through it.

 “I thought I told you all to stay out of this,” Kabuto said.

 “You lose. Put Naruto down,” Itachi ordered.

 The blonde bit Kabuto’s arm. The man only smiled.

 “It’s fine. We were out of time anyway.”

 The building shook, rocked with explosives that must have been planted outside. Itachi moved to protect Sasuke as Kabuto hurled Naruto and then jumped through the hole Itachi had made in the roof, smoke bombs going off up there.

 Mizuki managed to catch Naruto and held him close, muttering apologies. He locked eyes with Itachi.

 In one afternoon, the world had changed.

.o.o.o.

 “And then the explosives went off…I apologize, Hokage-sama, I should have immediately given chase,” Itachi said.

 “No. For all you knew he intended to grab Sasuke and escape,” Sarutobi said. “Your actions were understandable, Itachi.”

 “Old man…I…”

 “Yes, we…do need to talk about the Kyuubi, don’t we,” Sarutobi said. “Naruto, you were our only hope that day. The Kyuubi’s chakra was so massive that it would kill an adult if it was sealed in them, and then it might be free again. The Fourth knew you could do it, though, and so he trusted you to keep the Kyuubi at bay.”

 “It’s why people are mean to him, isn’t it?” Sasuke asked. “And…and they blame _my clan_ for it attacking?”

 “Yes, and some do,” Sarutobi admitted. “If only on the grounds that Madara Uchiha once controlled the Kyuubi. However, your clan’s service to the village is undeniable, and people are foolish if they think any clan would destroy a village they helped become so great.”

 He and Fugaku shared a brief look at that.

 “Now, boys, my law is in place with a single caveat—Naruto may tell people if he wishes,” Sarutobi said. “But Sasuke, _you_ are bound not to willingly tell a soul. Are we clear?”

 Sasuke and Naruto nodded. Mizuki picked Naruto up. “Let’s go see Iruka. He should be getting out of the hospital soon.”

 “Sasuke, let’s go down to the station and see your mother. Itachi, dinner’s at six,” Fugaku said.

 “Yes, father.” Itachi smiled slightly. For once, his father was _glad_ Sasuke didn’t have the Sharingan. As they left, he turned back. “Samehada was able to get a sample of some chakra from Iruka’s wound.”

 “And?” the Hokage asked.

 “Sir…it…” Itachi took a deep breath. “She said it tasted like snakes.”

 Sarutobi clenched his fist.

.o.o.o.

 Iruka carried Naruto home. The blonde kept his face buried against the brunette’s neck, Mizuki walking beside them staring at the ground.

 When they got home, Iruka took Naruto right to bed. Mizuki hovered awkwardly in the doorway, still blaming himself for not keeping Kabuto quiet.

 “I’m sorry,” Naruto said.

 “You’ve done nothing wrong,” Iruka said. “Nothing but have the luck of being the most recently born child that day.”

 “It’ll be okay, Naruto,” Mizuki said.

 “But…everyone else older than me knows!” Naruto said.

 “Those old enough to remember, yes,” Iruka said softly. “But…they knew yesterday, and the day before. You’ve been able to deal with it then, right?”

 “But…I didn’t know _why_ ,” Naruto said. “And I’m really sad and…I just want tomorrow to be better…”

 “It will be,” Mizuki said. “It will be.”

 Naruto nodded. “Y-you guys aren’t going to let me go Emo, right?”

 “Oh, not that again,” Iruka chuckled. “No, Naruto, Mizuki and I will never let you go Emo. We love you too much.”

 “And if you need us, we’ll be there,” Mizuki said.

 Iruka kissed Naruto’s forehead. “Tomorrow is another day. We just have to keep moving forward.”

 “…Stay with me?” Naruto asked.

 “Sure,” Iruka said.

 “Fine, but I’m sleeping on the floor. No way your bed holds all three of us,” Mizuki said, heading off for blankets.

.o.o.o.

 “I can’t prove anything, Danzou, and you know it,” Sarutobi said. “We have only the words of a traitor to consider. However, I want this to serve as a warning to you about your methods.”

 “Understandable, Hiruzen.”

 “However, there is the matter of Kabuto apparently being affiliated with Orochimaru…” Hiruzen said. “I believed he was taken into the orphanage at a young age, yes?”

 Danzou was silent.

 “And the orphanage’s caretaker eventually went missing and was found murdered by the Iwa border...”

 “Are you implying this is my doing?” Danzou asked.

 “I know you want what is best for the Leaf, old friend,” Sarutobi said. “But do not let me catch you _ever_ meddling in anything like that again. And give me no reasons to investigate ROOT. Finally…for gods’ sake, leave Shisui alone. I know that’s his eye under there, as much as he does.”

 Danzou said nothing.

 “I’m sure you thought it was in the best interests of Konoha, you having that eye,” Sarutobi said dryly. “But the Uchiha are onto you, and I will not have unrest in my village because of one man.”

 Danzou nodded. “Am I dismissed, Hizuzen?”

 “Yes. Oh, and no more missing children, Danzou. ROOT is doing just fine in numbers from my reports.”

 “Yes, Hokage-sama.”

 “Good,” Sarutobi said.

 He was getting too old for nights like this…

.o.o.o.

 Sasuke wouldn’t go to sleep without Itachi. Normally Fugaku would have been annoyed, but after today…

 “I still can’t sleep,” Sasuke said.

 “Hmm,” Itachi hummed. “This love it is a distant star…guiding us home, whatever we are. This love it is a burning sun, shining light on the things that we’ve done…”

 Sasuke snuggled close, content with the lullaby.

.o.o.o.

 “I want to feel, my feet on the ground,” Mrs. Haruno sang, pushing her daughter’s hair back after her frightening day. “And leave behind this prison we share…into the open air…”

.o.o.o.

 “Ando now, these walls, come crumbling down,” Iruka murmured into Naruto’s hair. “And I can feel my feet on the ground…”

 Mizuki smiled softly as his little brother continued singing to their littlest. “Can we carry this love that we share? Into the open air…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I’m really sorry how depressing that was—I cried while writing some parts. It was originally zanier but…it just didn’t fit since I wanted this to be the chapter where Naruto found out about the Kyuubi—it was going to be sad in the end either way, and the zany start just didn’t work. I swear most chapters won’t be like this. The lyrics at the end are all taken from parts of the song “Into the Open Air” form Pixar’s Brave, because it sounded like a lullaby to me and I felt it would be a good one for Konoha.


	11. Wait, Itachi has a Girlfriend?

 “Mizuki, Iruka, can you take Sasuke for the day?”                            

 Iruka nodded, “Sure, sure. Why?”

 “I have a…prior engagement,” Itachi said evasively.

 “Above our pay grade?” Mizuki guessed.

 “…yes.”

 “Fine,” Mizuki muttered. “Dumb village secrets…”

 “Great. Sasuke, have a good day at school. You’re going home with Iruka and Mizuki, okay?”

 “Okay,” Sasuke said. “Can Tsubaki-san come over and show us some of that cool medic stuff Naruto says she does?”

 “Sure kiddo,” Iruka said. “Now class starts in…fifteen minutes. You and Naruto go outside and try to be sociable, okay?”

.o.o.o.

 It had been a month since the “Kabuto Incident” and Sasuke and Naruto had moved on with relatively little issue thanks to Iruka and Itachi using their “dinner-friends-jonin” as a support group. Anko had oddly been the most helpful for Naruto, by telling him about her cursed seal, and Sasuke had relaxed slightly about the “people think my clan caused the Kyuubi attack and that my best friend is the Kyuubi how dare they” thing by learning about Obito Uchiha from Kakashi and about Kushina from his mother and Kurenai.

 However, there _was_ the issue of them isolating themselves from their peers, which Itachi swore to fix by the next summer camp at the very least.

.o.o.o.

 “So, Sasuke, anything you’d like to do this afternoon?” Mizuki asked. “Other than asking Tsubaki over?”

 “Shuriken practice,” Sasuke said quietly, looking embarrassed.

 “I knew I liked you,” Mizuki laughed.

 “Hey, Ruka-nii, can we work on the clone technique while they do that? Please please please?” Naruto asked.

 “Sure Naruto,” Iruka said. “You must just be overloading it with chakra, is all…”

 “Oh. Okay,” Naruto said. “…How do I not do that?”

 “Let’s find out,” Iruka laughed. “Sasuke, I’m surprised though—usually you practice your shuriken with Itachi.”

 “Well, he’s had a bunch of stupid dates lately, so he’s busy,” Sasuke said, shrugging.

 “Whoa, whoa—dates?” Mizuki asked. “ _Itachi_ is _dating_?”

 “Well, he has a girlfriend,” Sasuke said.

 Mizuki stopped walking, struck dumb by the revelation. Naruto wasn’t much better, Iruka having to tap his jaw shut.

 “Wait…prior engagement…Sasuke, is Itachi on a date right now?” Iruka asked.

 “Yeah. He was going to put me with Kisame, but _he’s_ out tracking down the four-eyed bastard,” Sasuke said. “And then he considered Kakashi, but the guy weaseled out of it, so here I am.”

 “Itachi…has…a…girlfriend,” Mizuki repeated. “I’m sorry, that just…makes no sense at all.”

 “You have a girlfriend,” Sasuke said. “Why can’t niisan?”

 “Itachi is fifteen, Mizuki is twenty-one. It’s a little different,” Iruka said.

 “Well you’re twenty and I don’t see you with a girlfriend,” Sasuke said.

 “Leave Ruka-nii alone, Sasuke, or I’ll beat you up,” Naruto warned.

 “Maybe I like being single right now,” Iruka said. “Now, Sasuke, do you know who this girlfriend is?”

 “Not really. Don’t really care,” Sasuke said. “Shuriken practice?”

 “Right, right,” Mizuki said, heading for an open training ground. “I _need_ some shuriken right now.”

.o.o.o.

 “Sakura-chan!”

 Sakura looked over—Naruto was waving enthusiastically from a training ground.

 Sasuke and Naruto hadn’t talked to her much beyond thanking her for getting Sasuke’s dad after that day. They’d almost been friends before that, so she’d worried…but now Naruto was smiling and waving!

 “Naruto! What is it?”

 “I made a clone! Finally! And I didn’t need a chakra drain!”

 “Let me see!” Sakura said, running over.

 “Okay,” Naruto said, focusing. Sakura waited with Iruka-sensei when, after a couple minutes, another Naruto popped up next to them.

 “Wow! You finally did it!” Sakura cheered.

 “It just takes focus…a _lot_ of focus,” Iruka said. “We need to shorten that time a bit before graduation. At least you have over a year for that.”

 “Yep!” Naruto said. “Hey, hey, Sakura-chan, guess what?”

 “What?” Sakura asked.

 “Sasuke said Itachi has a girlfriend!”

 “No way!” Sakura said. “ _Itachi_? But he’s so…weird.”

 “I _know_!” Naruto said. “He’s like a super-ninja but also kind of funny-weird and crazy-smart, right? And he has a girlfriend…maybe it’s because he’s so pretty.”

 “Naruto, don’t call a man pretty,” Iruka sighed.

 “But…Kisame and Anko call him that all the time,” Naruto said.

 “Yes, well, Kisame can survive anything Itachi throws at him and Anko…is Anko,” Iruka said.

 “Where’s Sasuke?” Sakura asked.

 “He’s with Mizu-nii, hurting trees with shuriken,” Naruto said.

 “Big ones or normal ones?” Sakura asked.

 “Both,” Iruka said.

 “Well, I’ve got to go. I’m supposed to pick up some flowers for my mom from Ino,” Sakura called over her shoulder.

.o.o.o.

 “Hi Sakura,” Ino said. “Usual snapdragons?”

 “And some carnations, if you have them,” Sakura said. “Oh, I saw Sasuke and Naruto.”

 “They seem better?”

 “Naruto did. Sasuke was off a ways throwing shuriken with Mizuki,” Sakura said.

 “Huh. Usually he does that with Itachi,” Ino said, wrapping the flowers.

 “Well, Itachi’s apparently on a date,” Sakura said with a shrug.

 Ino stared at her. “Details. Now.”

 “There aren’t any, he’s just on a date,” Sakura said.

 “But he’s…Itachi,” Ino said.

 “I know, right?” Sakura said.

.o.o.o.

 When Itachi picked Sasuke up from school the next day, his brother did not look happy.

 “Sasuke, do you know what has been asked of me all day?”

 “No,” Sasuke said.

 “ _Who my girlfriend is_ ,” Itachi said darkly, hauling his brother up by the collar. “Why did you tell people I was on a date? Hell, why’d you tell so many people?”

 “I only told Iruka and Mizuki because they asked where you were!” Sasuke said. “And, well, Naruto was there too…”

 Itachi grabbed him by the collar and dragged him right back into the Academy. His eye twitched when a teaching assistant looked at him and blushed.

 Finally they reached classroom 3C. Mizuki was supervising Naruto, who was cleaning some orange…stuff off the board and Iruka was looking at the grade book.

 Itachi decided fair warning was in order, and unleashed of Grade-A killing intent.

 A kunai almost went into his skull.

 “Sorry,” Iruka said. “General reaction to killing intent, Itachi, my bad…”

 “Damn it, I didn’t get to hit him!” Mizuki muttered, putting his giant shuriken back down. “Naruto, keep scrubbing.”

 Itachi groaned, “Look, now that I have your attention-”

 “No hello? Killing intent then converse, is that how the jonin do it now?” Mizuki asked dryly.

 “Hello. Look, why did you tell people I was on a date?” Itachi asked.

 “I didn’t. Your business,” Mizuki said. “Oh, and up your Killing Intent. That’s the amount people usually toss at fishcake, here. Hell, I’ve seen Iruka do better…”

 Itachi’s eye twitched again, “Well, if you didn’t…”

 “Naruto mentioned it to Sakura when she asked why Mizuki was the one helping Sasuke with his shuriken,” Iruka said, not looking up.

 “Smart, pink hair, hard punches?” Itachi asked.

 “Yes,” Iruka said. “Why?”

 “Sasuke, show me where your friend Sakura lives. Now,” Itachi said.

.o.o.o.

 “Itachi, you’d better not be mean to Sakura. She’s one of the girls who _doesn’t_ scare me,” Sasuke said sternly—or as sternly as a ten year old could manage.

 “Yes, yes,” Itachi muttered. “I just want to know who she told…”

 “Probably Ino. They’re friends when they’re not fighting over weird stuff,” Sasuke said helpfully.

 “Ino…Yamanaka?” Itachi asked. “From the Yamanaka Flower Shop?”

 “Yeah.”

 Itachi groaned—with that being who was told; it was a wonder someone like the Raikage hadn’t heard by now! Ino and her mother mongered gossip like nobody’s business…probably why Ino wanted to go into Interrogation, when he thought about it.

.o.o.o.

 “Sup? Any news from the Land of Fire for my cool brother?” Killerbee asked the returning spy.

 “It was very odd…the biggest news from Konoha I could find was about a fifteen year old jonin having a girlfriend and speculation about that.” The spy shook her head. “Leaf ninja are _weird_.”

 “Yeah, better not bother A with that—but it’s a great rap idea!” Bee said. “Leaf ninja in love…I like it!”

.o.o.o.

 “So…damage control?” Itachi asked hopefully.

 “Itachi, it’s not the end of the world. So people know you might be human and like girls—so what?” Mizuki said. “Unless…oh, I get it, closet, clan heir—your secret’s safe.”

 “The date was with a girl and I am straight,” Itachi said flatly.

 “I’m with Mizuki—on the first bit,” Iruka said. “There’s…really not much to do. People now know you happen to have a girlfriend.”

 “Ah, that time in a young ninja’s life when the bloodlust turns to fancy,” Kisame teased.

 “Shark Fin Soup,” Itachi said flatly.

 “And since when has Itachi _ever_ had bloodlust?” Iruka asked. “Anyway, you shouldn’t be embarrassed about your girlfriend-”

 “I don’t have a girlfriend!” Itachi shouted.

 “…Dude, you _just_ said you _weren’t_ gay,” Mizuki said.

 “I’m a clan heir, like you said. I’ve had a marriage contract since everyone was sure I had the Sharingan,” Itachi said. “…Which was when I was four.”

 “Oh. Fiancé. Way more intense,” Kisame said.

 “Look, neither of us is that into it—we can stand each other so if we hang around each other once in a while so nobody in the clan bugs us about it,” Itachi said. “I’m too busy trying to reform the future generation of Konoha shinobi, and she’s busy either on border patrol or working at this one weapons shop. We’re…not interested in dating, or anything, we just kind of…have to.”

 “Oh…that’s kind of…oh,” Mizuki said. “Man.”

 “It’s fine. I don’t have that much emotional capacity in that area anyway and like I said, we get along well enough. I’m sure when we get older we’ll try actually building a relationship or something,” Itachi said. “But since we’re barely even dating, I’m annoyed this is going around the whole damn village.”

 “And other places if some spies have caught hold of it,” Kisame offered.

 “…Was that supposed to reassure me?” Itachi asked.

 “…Yes,” Kisame said. “Sorry.”

 “Samehada, scold him,” Itachi said dryly.

 “That’s really not how the relationship works,” Kisame said.

 “Okay, I have a girlfriend, Itachi has a not-girlfriend-fiancé, Kisame has his sword…do you have a love life yet?” Mizuki asked Iruka.

 “Honestly, like Itachi, I prefer my privacy. Besides, I already told you, it’s just a crush.”

 “Samehada is _not_ my love life!” Kisame protested. He was ignored.

 “…I’ll sic Naruto on you,” Mizuki warned.

 “Then the lesson plans won’t get done because you hate them.”

 “…A little help from the jonin?”

 “Nah,” Itachi said. “I’m in a pass-the-popcorn mood.”

.o.o.o.

 “So…everyone sort-of-knows?” Uchiha Noriko asked him a month later. She was his fourth cousin—far enough to avoid birth defects, close enough for Sharingan Purity.

 “Yep,” Itachi said. “You buy that bow you wanted?”

 “Yep. That fish guy still driving you nuts?”

 “Yes. He is my best friend though…or is that Iruka these days?” Itachi wondered. “Anyway, sorry it got out.”

 “Don’t worry—nobody thinks it’s me. Like, eight other cousins have said it’s them, though,” Noriko said. “I mean, Shisui was joking but some people took him seriously.”

 “…Note to self, sick Sasuke on Shisui.”

 “Aw, you should bring Sasuke around more often. He’s too short for a katana right now—I could teach him to use a tanto!” Noriko said.

 “You think our parents will ever realize we spend the money they give us for dates on ninja tools and just hang out on various roofs?”

 “Probably not, so long as your genjutsu keep working,” Noriko said. “I do, however, have a proposition for a first official date.”

 “Really now?”

 “Yeah—when your brother eventually does the chunin exams. We should totally go together.”

 “That would be…at least two years from now,” Itachi said.

 “Yeah. Is that enough time for you to wrap your head around the idea?”

 “Maybe. I’ll RSVP after the second test, just to be sure.”

 “You’re weird as hell, Itachi.”

 “I like being weird as hell, then.”

 “It’s okay, I kind of like you like that, too.”

 “Thank you.”

 “…We’re not supposed to hold hands or anything after that, right?”

 “I don’t know. That’s probably why Mizuki calls me socially-disabled.”


	12. When I Grow Up

 “So, Sasuke, how was the Academy this week?” Fugaku asked over dinner.

 “We had a great week!” Sasuke said. “We did a lot of practice with projectiles and got to study lots of maps and how to memorize them, and Naruto turned the blackboard purple, we got to have a special session about ninja specialties!”

 “Specialties?” Mikoto asked.

 “Yeah, Iruka and Mizuki-sensei go a lot of chunin and special jonin and jonin to come in and talk about specialized fields— _it was so cool_! We had a medic-nin, and an interrogator, and a scout—that was Kiba’s sister—and a tracker, and Miss Kurenai, and Kakashi-san, and some weird guy in green spandex. I don’t know his name because everyone called him ‘guy’ all the time.”

 Itachi snorted. “His name is Gai, Maito Gai.”

 “Oh. Whoops,” Sasuke said.

 “So, Sasuke, did any of the specialists interest you?”

 “Well, the sword stuff Kakashi-san showed us was cool, and I really like using my fire jutsu but…I want to learn medical ninjutsu!” Sasuke said brightly.

 Itachi was pretty sure if his father was a lesser man, he’d have passed out.

.o.o.o.

 “So, what’d you think of today’s lesson, Naruto?” Iruka asked.

 “It was so cool! All those ninja were awesome, and Tsubaki-neechan showed us cool stuff, and Kakashi showed us cool stuff, and the weird guy in green named Gai showed us cool stuff-”

 Mizuki chuckled into his tea. “We get it. Cool stuff. It give you any ideas, kid? You know, for your pre-Hokage career?”

 “Well, actually,” Naruto said, swinging his legs, “I was wondering about the stuff you use to make explosive tags or pull things out of scrolls or how Kakashi calls his dogs.”

 “Oh, you mean seals!” Iruka said.

 “Interesting pick…” Mizuki mused before he could help himself. Naruto flinched and the chunin backtracked before Iruka got angry. “No, no, not because of the furball, because of seals being so study intensive!”

 “Oh.” Naruto grinned sheepishly. “Yeah, I guess I don’t really like to study…”

 “You study well when you’re interested enough,” Iruka said. “How about I start teaching you to make explosive tags this weekend?”

 “How about I take a mission all weekend?” Mizuki groaned.

.o.o.o.

 “So…my little brother wants to be a medic-nin,” Itachi said. “…Who still uses fire techniques and maybe swords.”

 “Oh,” Tsubaki said, “Did he like my presentation that much?”

 “I know a lot of the students were interested. A lot of them had never heard of medical ninjutsu, after all,” Mizuki said. “Naruto is going into seals until he makes Hokage.”

 “Or a ninjutsu specialist,” Iruka said. “He’s being very indecisive.”

 “Still, it’s nice to relax on the weekends, especially when we don’t have work or missions,” Tsubaki said. “Your house is very nice, Kisame-san.”

 “Thanks,” Kisame said. “It’s nicer when I don’t let the hellions play tag indoors but, hey, it’s raining and we’ve had enough sick days this year.”

 “Do you know if any of your other students liked certain presentations?” Itachi asked Iruka.

 “Kiba wants to be a scout, but he always has, I think Hinata liked the medical field, Sakura was interested in taijutsu and genjutsu…” Iruka mused. “Ino and Shino agreed they want to tag-team interrogate someday, and I think Suri, Chouji, and a couple other kids liked the idea of scouting too, but more in a ‘first responder’ sort of way.”

 “And that’s why he’s the better teacher. I just would have said yes,” Mizuki said.

 “Mizuki!” Tsubaki scolded.

 “I would have,” he defended. “Iruka’s more of a people person, and I’m really more of a ‘beat people up’ person.”

 Tsubaki giggled.

 Itachi frowned. “Have…we heard them for a few minutes?”

 “Nope,” Kisame sighed. “Naruto, Sasuke, you’d better not be getting into my stuff!”

 “We just found a bookcase, that’s all. You have a lot of map-books and cookbooks!” Naruto called. “Hey, why’s shark-fin soup crossed out in all of these?”

 Kisame huffed and rolled his eyes. “Put them back when you’re done, got it, or it’s a Samehada naptime for the both of you!”

 “Got it!” Sasuke called.

 “At least they’re not jumping on your bed again,” Itachi said.

 “Had to buy a new mattress when they got through with it,” Kisame muttered.

 “Sorry about that,” Iruka said.

 “Naruto jumps on our beds too,” Mizuki said. “Sometimes with us in them…”

 Tsubaki frowned, “So that’s why you always want to go to my place for-”

 “Yes.”

 “Shh!” Kisame said, patting Iruka and Itachi on the heads. “There are _virgins_ present.”

 “I’m betrothed, _okay_?” Itachi growled. “For the millionth damn time…”

 “Who said _I_ was a virgin?” Iruka demanded.

 This naturally sparked everyone’s interest and an interrogation was begun.

.o.o.o.

 “So, here’s another idea—if I enter your mind, can I control your Kikaichu?” Ino asked.

 “Hm…I’m not sure,” Shino said. “Once you get the technique down, we should test that.”

 “Yeah, because then the person we’re interrogating will think it’s you, but it’s really me!” Ino said. “Right. So, I got these books on the T&I division out of my dad’s study…”

.o.o.o.

 Sakura managed to floor Kiba with a haymaker.

 “Hell yes, this one is awesome!” Anko cheered. “See, Tsume, I told you, taijutsu _prodigy_!”

 “And with her chakra control, probably a genjutsu one as well,” Tsume mused as Kiba got up and the two resumed sparring. “Who are her parents?”

 “Dad’s a chunin, mom runs a civilian shop,” Anko said. “Why?”

 “I’d like to talk to them.” ‘About a possible betrothal…’ Tsume mentally added, watching the ferocious pink-haired girl keep matching Kiba.

.o.o.o.

 “Uh…hi, Fugaku-san,” Mizuki said. “Does Sasuke need a babysitter or something?”

 “I would like to speak to you about your class last Friday,” Fugaku said.

 “Oh, um, okay,” Mizuki said. He went to slip outside, keep this private, before-

 “Hi Sasuke’s dad!”

 -Naruto looked up from his homework. Crap.

 “Hello, Naruto,” Fugaku said stiffly.

 “Why don’t you come in,” Mizuki said, switching tactics. “I can make some tea.”

 “That won’t be necessary. I merely wish to know why Sasuke was encouraged to go into medicinal ninjutsu.”

 “Cause he thinks it’s cool,” Naruto said.

 “Kiddo, homework. We don’t need Iruka mad at us,” Mizuki said. “Though, he is correct, Fugaku-san. Sasuke just seemed to like the presentation. If I’m correct, he also somewhat liked the one on…swordsmanship, I think.”

 “You _think_? Were you not running the presentation?” Fugaku asked.

 “No at the moment; I was trying to tell Gai-san why Iruka was upset he’d displayed Dynamic Entry by using it on the blackboard,” Mizuki said.

 Fugaku looked startled, “Really?”

 “Yup. Ruka-nii was really mad,” Naruto said. “Mizu-nii, earth chakra beats water, right?”

 “Right,” Mizuki said. “Look, we didn’t encourage any kid one way or another. Hell, I’ve been waiting for Yamanaka Inoichi to kill me for his daughter wanting to go into Interrogation with such…enthusiasm.”

 “You’re certain?” Fugaku asked. “Nothing that would indicate to Sasuke that this was the best path?”

 “Why would there be?” Naruto asked.

 Mizuki grinned—his little advocate was doing this perfectly. “Exactly, why would there be?”

 He knew why Fugaku was worried—he probably thought there was some coercion involved with Sasuke since Danzou, whoever he was, disliked the Uchiha and was an apparent manipulator. Maybe the guy thought for some reason Sasuke was being pushed into medical…

 As a teacher, he would never force his students into a path they didn’t choose…except maybe for Neji, who wasn’t really his student, but quite frankly Mizuki was with Itachi in wanting to push that one into therapy…

 “I see,” Fugaku said, appeased. “Have a good day, sensei. Naruto.”

 Naruto waved goodbye as his brow scrunched at his homework. Mizuki wandered over. “Oh, oh, here’s the issue kid. You added an element.”

 “But…Kisame-san’s mentioned an ice element before.”

 “Yeah, well then it’s secondary, by mixing two basic chakras.  Okay, come on, math time.”

 Naruto groaned.

 “Math is an important component of seals,” Mizuki added.

 Naruto perked up.

.o.o.o.

 Haruno Koubai was very surprised to find a clan leader on her doorstep the next morning, was more surprised when Inuzuka Tsume asked if her husband was home since this was an important manner, and was finally very surprised when, once she Tsume, and Matsu were all seated, Tsume asked if they were interested in betrothing Sakura to Kiba.

 “Wow, um…that was unexpected,” Matsu said, pushing his pink hair back. “Tsume-san…they are only eleven…”

 “I _know_ , most clan heirs are engaged around three, but how was I supposed to know Hana didn’t want to be the heir?” Tsume asked.

 “Um…yes,” Koubai said. “But we’re…not entirely sure Sakura or Kiba would be all right with this. They are close friends, and may worry about the friendship.”

 “All right, all right…Kiba or Sakura can break it off when they’re older if they want to,” Tsume said.

 “Well, you are a fairly major clan in Konoha,” Matsu said. “And it might keep unwanted boys away from my little girl…”

 “You have a deal,” Koubai said. “They can break it when they’re…how about fifteen?”

 “Or chunin,” Tsume agreed.

.o.o.o.

 “Kiba, I’m mad at your mom,” Sakura said as they walked into the academy the next day.

 “I told you, she’s a plotter…at least I got a girl who’s tough and pretty,” Kiba said.

 “Well, at least I got a boy who doesn’t mind when I beat him up.”

 “So…wait and see?”

 “We could ask how Itachi and his girlfriend do it,” Sakura suggested.

 “And brave too,” Kiba sighed in mock-lovey-dovey-ness.

 “Shut it, fleabag.”

.o.o.o.

 Itachi didn’t know why, but his father seemed oddly quiet about the idea of Sasuke becoming a medic.

 That is…until the Winter Festival.

 “Sasuke, you’ll graduate the summer after next and become a ninja,” Fugaku said seriously.

 Mikoto gave him a look—probably confused as to why this was intruding into family-and-gift time.

 “Yeah?” Sasuke asked.

 “You will need to be prepared to take on what the world has to give you, and do the Uchiha proud as well,” Fugaku continued.

 Itachi twitched—if his dad was about to denounce medical ninjutsu on _the Winter Festival_ patricide might be in his future.

 “Therefore, I advise you to study well in your chosen field,” Fugaku said, pulling out a few scrolls on basic medical learning. “The Uchiha do _not_ do things halfway, Sasuke.”

 “Right!” Sasuke agreed.

 Itachi relaxed.

 “Oh, Itachi,” his father said. “I wasn’t too sure what to get you, but here.”

 “A new shirt and an idea book for civilian camps and childcare?” Itachi asked. “This is perfect! I have to get Kisame, Iruka, and Mizuki—we’ll need to modify these to fit ninja in training…”

 “And there he goes,” Mikoto chuckled. “Uchiha never do anything halfway _indeed_. Itachi, wait until you know they’re awake-”

 “SEAL BOOKS _AND_ FREE RAMEN COUPONS? THIS IS THE BEST WINTER FESTIVAL **EVER!** ”

 “Well, now everyone in Konoha is!” Itachi said brightly. “Have fun studying, Sasuke!” He took off.

 Sasuke looked at one of the scrolls, about dealing with exhaustion and its many forms. “I’m going to need this one. Thanks, dad.”

.o.o.o.

 “They’re…quiet,” Iruka said, shocked. School was back in session and the majority of the class was…quiet.

 Naruto was pouring over a seal book Tsubaki had given him, Sakura and Kiba were whispering softly, Sasuke was reading two scrolls and taking notes on them, Ino and Shino were taking notes from the same book…

 “Iruka, I’m scared,” Mizuki said, absolutely serious.

 “Me too buddy,” Iruka said. “This is going to be a weird semester…”


	13. Our Weekend with Gai-sensei

 “Ah, I’m going to miss Lee this summer,” Kisame sighed. “Samehada was really warming up to him too…”

 “He’s with Gai now, Kisame. You have to admit that’s a good place for him,” Itachi said. “Now…if the man could _just_ get through to Neji…”

 “Hopeless cause,” Kisame muttered. “But Lee and Tenten…I’ll miss them.”

 “Because Lee was crazy enough to try and keep up with you and Tenten liked Samehada?” Anko guessed.

 “Yeah. Poor girl, not enough chakra to use her properly…Samehada was kind of sad too. When she makes chunin, I’ll go off one of the other swordsmen and she can have their blade,” Kisame decided.

 “Aww, that’s so _sweet_ ,” Anko said.

 “I know, I’m awesome,” Kisame said as Itachi shook his head in exasperation.

.o.o.o.

 “Argh! That’s the third tree!” Mizuki groaned, picking bark out of his hair. “Didn’t Kisame teach you to water walk? This is supposed to be _easier_!”

 “I _can_ water walk!” Naruto protested. “…most of the time. It uses more chakra. You know I’m bad at small chakra stuff.”

 Sasuke inspected the hole his friend had blasted into the tree. “At least this one is smaller…”

 “Sakura, go help Naruto,” Iruka ordered. “Ino, _get Shikamaru up that tree_. Kiba, Akamaru, _walk_ , don’t claw your way up.”

 “Where’s Itachi, anyway?” Mizuki asked. “Chouji, look where you’re-! Crap.”

 “Even if it helps you focus, please don’t shut your eyes when tree walking,” Iruka sighed. “Branches exist.  Ino, Shikamaru, make sure he’s okay.”

 “Hinata, you’re doing fine!” Mizuki called. “Shino, a little more chakra, you’re slipping…Suri, keep trying.”

 “I’m actually kind of surprised Neji, Tenten, and Lee ended up on the same team. I mean, what are the odds?” Iruka asked.

 “Well, Gai wanted Lee and Neji, I know that,” Mizuki said. “And-”

 “Yosh! My students—look who we have stumbled on upon this glorious afternoon run!”

 “Iruka, if you could just knock me out that’d be great,” Mizuki hissed.

 “Hello Gai,” Iruka said, purposefully ignoring him. “Neji, Lee, Tenten.”

 Neji and Tenten took the break for what it was and quickly sat down. Lee simply bounced in place and seemed very happy.

 “Hello Iruka and Mizuki!” Gai said. “I see your youthful campers are most dedicated to their efforts!”

 “Yup. They _really_ want to get up those trees,” Mizuki said. ‘And away from you…’

 Lee was dressed in the same green…thing…as Gai, but his legwarmers were a pale blue. “Mizuki-sensei and Iruka-sensei! I have missed our summers together!”

 “Lee! Are you saying you dislike my teaching?”

 “No, Gai-sensei! I merely missed seeing them, is all!”

 “Lee!”

 “Gai-sensei!”

 “Where did that sunset come from?” Iruka asked.

 “It just happens,” Tenten said. “Ignore it.”

 “I…see,” Iruka said. “How have you been?”

 “All right,” Tenten said. “I’ve been building my chakra reserves and endurance.”

 “Good, good,” Iruka said. “Um, Gai, I wanted to ask you…” He leaned close, “Have you gotten Neji into therapy yet?”

 “Yes! The Therapy of Hard Work!” Gai whispered back. 

 “…I meant with a _therapist_ ,” Iruka muttered.

 “I can’t get near any of them, they all run away for some reason,” Gai confessed.

 “Keep trying,” Iruka advised. “All right campers, say goodbye to Team Four and hello to the top of those trees!”

.o.o.o.

 “Maybe they thought _Gai_ was the one who wanted the therapy. That would scare me off,” Kisame said.

 “Same,” Itachi said. “Now, we were planning a campout next weekend…suggestions?”

 “Don’t let Kakashi sic the ANBU on them again?” Kisame offered.

 “Thank you captain obvious,” Iruka sighed. “Okay, since we reserved training ground five that gives us a small lake and enough trees for tree-slash-water walking games…assuming someone other than Sasuke and Naruto can water walk…”

 “I know a lot of the kids only know Academy techniques…Itachi, copied anything basic you can teach them?” Mizuki asked.

 Itachi closed his eyes for a moment. “I don’t think I’ve coped too many D rank techniques…let me think about my chunin exams for a bit…”

 “Okay, so we’ve got that. Iruka, you totally need to do another intensive traps lesson—they love those!” Kisame said.

 “Right, right…I guess with Lee, Tenten, and Neji gone our main taijutsu users are Sakura, Kiba, and Hinata…” Iruka mused. “Ideas?”

 “Build Hinata’s confidence, let Kiba and Sakura beat each other up,” Mizuki decided.

 “Wire Manipulation Technique,” Itachi said.

 “What?” Kisame asked.

 “Wire manipulation—you use chakra to move the wire on its own. Not too complicated. We can put that with trap-making,” Itachi said. “All right. That concludes our meeting. Let’s see if the kids rioted while we were gone…”

.o.o.o.

 “He actually _agreed_ to spar with Kisame?” Tsubaki asked, fretting over Mizuki, whom Iruka had put on the couch.

 “Yeah. Ruka-nii said it was the heat getting to him,” Naruto said, sitting on the coffee table.

 “Probably,” Tsubaki agreed. “Mizuki, try and sit up, you need to drink something with the pain medication…”

 Someone knocked loudly at the door. Mizuki groaned and pulled the pillow over his head, Tsubaki decided to re-check for brain injuries, and Naruto wandered over to the peephole.

 He opened the door, “Hi Mr. Gai!”

 “Hello, youthful one! May I speak to Mizuki and Iruka?” Gai asked.

 “Uh…Mizu-nii’s a little…Ruka-nii! Gai-sensei is at the door!” Naruto called.

 “Naruto, go watch the ramen,” Iruka said, harrying out of the kitchen. He quickly shut the door to spare Mizuki and Tsubaki from Gai’s volume. “Gai-san. What a surprise.”

 “I have thought much of your words, Iruka,” Gai said seriously. “Therefore I have decided for the sake of Neji’s youthfulness, my team shall join your camp out!”

 “What.”

 He didn’t mean to sound rude or anything but…Gai had just offered to join an Academy Student summer camp. Sure, Gai was a jonin every bit as weird as Kisame and Itachi, but…it was an Academy Student summer camp out.

 “I think it will be beneficial to Neji’s state of mind,” Gai said.

 Iruka personally thought the opposite, but…Gai outranked him.

 This was going to be weirder than usual…

.o.o.o.

 “Iruka!” Itachi groaned. “I cannot believe you agreed to this!”

 “There wasn’t so much agreement as just smiling and nodding,” Iruka muttered.

 “I’ll…go see if Tsubaki and the girls have their tents up,” Mizuki said.

 “I’ll go with you. Samehada wants to check on Tenten,” Kisame added.

 “Stay put,” Itachi said sternly. The two sighed and stopped walking. “Now, we _will_ work with Gai, since he will be here and technically cannot be overruled in matters of his team. _However_ if Neji looks like he’s going to snap I want the kid knocked out, no questions asked.”

 “Got it,” Mizuki said. “…Now can I go? He’s coming…”

 “I apologize for my lateness!” Gai said, running up. “I was busy convincing my eternal rival to please water my bamboo plants while I’m gone!”

 “Gai-sensei!” Lee cheered, running up. Kisame’s eyes gravitated towards the boy’s blue legwarmers. He grabbed Lee in a hug.

 “You _do_ care!”

 “…Okay then,” Itachi said. “So, after we get all the tents pitched we’re going to make three teams of campers. Gai, since your students are all already genin, I’d like each one to be on a different team.”

 “That makes perfect sense!” Gai agreed. “…Are you going to put my student down, yet?”

 “Couple more seconds,” Kisame said, grinning.

.o.o.o.

 “Okay, team one, led by Itachi consists of Sakura, Sasuke, Neji, and Chouji,” Mizuki said. “They’ve taken the name Team Tornado. Team two, led by Iruka, is Tenten, Naruto, Hinata, Suri, and Kiba. They’re Team Hurricane. Finally, Team three, led by Kisame, is Lee, Shino, Shikamaru, and Ino—Team Tsunami.”

 “Why did they all pick the names of natural disasters?” Tsubaki asked blankly.

 “You know, I don’t know,” Mizuki said.

 “To demonstrate their ferocity and youthfulness,” Gai said as if it was simple.

 “…Sure,” Mizuki said. “Okay, our first game involves walking up a tree while carrying a plate with a glass of water on it. You will be marked down for the amounts of water you spill—so keep your balance, kids! Teachers—catch them if they fall!”

 “If I may offer advice, do not hold the tray directly to your chest, either, as your breathing could upset it,” Gai said.

 “That’s…vey insightful. Thank you,” Mizuki said.

.o.o.o.

 “Okay, time for water-walking!” Kisame said. “Everyone who definitely knows how—raise your hands!”

 Naruto and Sasuke raised their hands.

 “Damn,” Kisame swore. “Knew we should have covered it more…damn…”

 “Kisame-san!” Gai scolded. “Set a good example and do not swear so! Lee, have you not practiced upon the water before?”

 “Yes, Gai-sensei, but I still tend to sink a little,” Lee confessed.

 “Well, do your best despite that!” Gai encouraged.

 “Okay, with Lee now in, the plan is to run ten laps around the lake,” Mizuki said. “Everyone else can practice over here with Iruka and Kisame.”

 “And you can’t harm your opponents, but you can attempt to distract them,” Iruka added, leading the rest over to the water.

 The three boys took off. Lee easily had the lead, but the water steadily began to go over his ankles, slowing him down. Naruto and Sasuke were close to neck and neck behind him, and eventually caught up by the seventh lap.

 “Didn’t I say you could try and distract opponents?” Iruka asked, bemused. He didn’t see Ino and Sakura angrily shove Shikamaru out onto the water behind him.

 “Ah, let them race each other in pure rivalry! It helps their focus _and_ their fires of youth!” Gai advised.

 “Um…okay,” Iruka said.

 Naruto managed to call upon his ungodly stamina to sprint the entire last lap, handing him the victory. Lee was now running with water halfway up his claves, but still got in just ahead of a semi-winded Sasuke.

.o.o.o.

 “Okay, everyone, I made some soup so nobody gets sick from getting soaked,” Tsubaki said.

 “You all are most youthful in you endeavors,” Gai said, wiping a tear from his eye.

 “Thank you Gai sensei!” Lee cheered as he dried his leg warmers over the fire.

 “If I may, might I offer the students some youthful advice?” Gai asked Kisame. Kisame shrugged.

 “Sure, go ahead.”

 “Yosh! Naruto, your stamina is excellent, and you have proven that you can take advantage of that! Continue to do so! Likewise, Sasuke, your stamina needs more work—I recommend training with Kisame-san! Lee, your chakra control is getting better, even if you cannot use it for jutsu! Good job! Everyone else—nice tries on the water! Sakura that was a lovely spar you had with Kiba while out there. Your flames of youth burn brightly!”

 “We are each other’s usual training dummies now, aren’t we?” Kiba asked Sakura.

 “No, _I’m_ training, _you’re_ the dummy,” Sakura said brightly.

 “Just wait until Akamaru and I get Beast Clone down,” Kiba warned.

 “Sakura-san, you are most excellent in taijutsu,” Lee said, blushing. “If…um…you would like to spar together some time, I would not mind!”

 “She’s _my_ sparring partner!” Kiba said, glaring at Lee.

 “I just meant if she would like a change is all!” Lee said quickly. “Or if you were busy! More than one partner is surely fine for sparring, yes?” He grinned at Sakura.

 “I smell a love triangle,” Ino told Hinata, who blushed. 

 “Yosh! Would you two like to spar each other?” Gai asked.

 “Are we covered for ‘it’s personal’ spars?” Iruka asked Itachi.

 “I know Kiba’s mom signed every waiver we gave her,” Itachi said. “And Lee’s guardian is now Gai, as his sensei, so…I’d say we’re good.”

 “Is my field kit big enough for this?” Tsubaki asked worriedly as the boys faced off.

 “I have some extra gauze,” Iruka offered.

 “Why? It’s not like they’re going to really hurt each other,” Sakura said, shaking her head.

.o.o.o.

 “They _really_ hurt each other,” Sasuke said blankly.

 “Yeah, and then _Sakura_ hurt them both more for being stupid and hurting each other,” Naruto added.

 “Idiots,” Neji muttered. “They’re both fated to be weak, nothing more…”

 Naruto and Sasuke took a leaf out of Gai’s book and introduced Neji to the Therapy of Hard Work their own way—by injuring him a bit before he saw them coming and then running like hell as he chased them.

 “I think I may need the regular therapy for Neji after all,” Gai mused. “Do you think I could make locating a therapist a mission for some other team to fulfill, since I am apparently bad at it?”

 “Don’t know,” Kisame said. “But you ever need a sparring partner, come to me, man. I _need_ someone who knows their taijutsu—Itachi’s more of a ninjutsu and genjustu guy, and his stamina sucks-”

 “I’m working on it!” Itachi argued.

 “You always say that!” Kisame huffed.

 “Because I always am!” Itachi said.

 “Ah, such youth,” Gai said, smiling. It warmed his heart. Mizuki, Iruka, and Tsubaki shared a look, sighed, and cleaned the camp dishes.

"One more year," Mizuki told Iruka.

 "Good. Because I'm _this close_ to failing the minimum shinobi sanity requirement," Iruka muttered.

 "If Gai-san can pass, so can you," Tsubaki said.

 "It's different for jonin. They _get_ to be lunatics. Job stress," Iruka said.

 "I always wondered," Tsubaki said. "...Who's rounding up the kids?"

 "Kisame and Gai," Iruka said. "They rile them, they can go catch them."


	14. Hokage Mountain Climbing!

 Shisui glared at Itachi. Even with only one eye (the empty socket covered with his headband, Hatake-style), his Sharingan de-activated, and the adorably fluffy hat he was wearing to keep out the cold, it was still a bit intimidating.

 At least to Itachi. Iruka and Mizuki didn’t seem to care, but then Killing Intent had apparently stopped working on them the second they took in Naruto so they probably hadn’t even _noticed_ how menacing Shisui was trying to be.

 “Itachi,” his older cousin said stiffly. “Why are we helping an out-of-session Academy Class do this? Why wasn’t it given to genin?”

 “Because _they_ wanted to do it. Naruto convinced the Hokage,” Itachi said. “Showed him some new technique…”

 “Oh, Naruto, did you come up with a new seal?” Sakura asked, helping Kiba get Akamaru out of a small snow drift.

 “No. You’ll probably see it at the graduation exam,” Mizuki groaned. “All right kids—operation Decorate the Hokage Mountain for the Winter Festival is a go!”

 “How did you talk me into this?” Shisui sighed, beginning to untangle a set of lights.

 “I gave you pocky, remember?” Itachi said. “…And sent Danzou a greeting card warning him to leave your good eye alone.”

 “I can’t believe you picked one with kittens on it,” Shisui said, grinning.

 “I like kittens. Okay, who’s down here organizing, and who’s on the mountain?” Itachi asked.

 “Itachi…aren’t you, the chunin, and I going up the mountain?” Shisui asked.

 “Don’t be silly,” Itachi said. “They’ve wanted to do this for two years now. Okay, I see…Naruto, Sasuke, Chouji, Kiba, Sakura, and Ino! Great! I’ll take Sasuke and Kiba, Iruka gets Naruto and Chouji, and Shisui these are Sakura and Ino. You’ll be climbing with them. Mizuki, you get Shikamaru, Shino, and Hinata for ground operations.”

 “I did not sign up for taking kids up the face of Hokage Mountain,” Shisui said. “Itachi, I know you’re weird and all, but this is too far. As the adult here-”

 “How old are you?” Mizuki asked suddenly.

 “…Twenty two,” Shisui said.

 “Ha! I’m older than you—twenty _three_ ,” Mizuki said. “ _I’m_ the adult, you’re overruled.”

 “It’s okay. I’m twenty one, he does that all the time to me,” Iruka said.

 Shisui glared at Itachi. The seventeen year old smiled back. “Sorry, cousin. Overruled by your own rule. Come on you two.” He trekked up with Sasuke and Kiba, Akamaru clinging to the Inuzuka boy’s hood.

 Shisui had to admit, the kids seemed steady enough walking up the mountain…he hoped the girls he was with were the same.

 “Okay, Ino, Sakura, we’re doing the lights on the kage’s hair. Let’s get on up there.”

 “Race you, Ino-pig,” Sakura teased.

 “You’re on, forehead,” Ino replied.

 They were gone up the cliff face.

 Shisui decided Itachi was _so_ getting an embarrassing gift from him this year…

.o.o.o.

 “Um, Mikoto-sama, have you seen Itachi?”

 “No, Noriko, I haven’t. Is something wrong?”

 “Don’t worry,” Noriko said pulling on her coat. “I know where to find him if he’s left already! I got the day off!”

 That meant she was _totally_ going to help with what would be an epic decorating job. She grabbed her bow and rushed out.

.o.o.o.

 “So, Shisui-san, do you know who Itachi’s girlfriend is?” Ino asked as they started hanging lights form the Shodai’s hair.

 “What?” Shisui asked. “Oh, no, he’s being pretty mum about that…won’t even tell good old Shisui, the brat…”

 “Don’t talk about Itachi like that!” Sakura scolded. “He’s Konoha’s most awesome teacher! …Except for our actual teachers!”

 “You mean the two chunin, right?” Shisui asked. “Itachi mentioned two of his friends worked in the Academy…you know, when I told him to get a social life, I didn’t think he’d be this successful….Ino-chan! Careful of the ice!”

 Ino quickly avoided it. “Thanks. And besides, Itachi’s friends are as weird as he is…which is why I’m shocked Itachi and Mizuki both have girlfriends.”

 “I know, and Mizuki’s proposing in the spring,” Sakura said.

 “Oh, that’s so romantic!” Ino gushed. “…Which is kind of weird because it’s _Mizuki_ -sensei, I mean, come _on_ , you’d think _Iruka_ would have someone by now…”

 “I have it from a reliable source that he has a crush on someone,” Sakura said. “The source doesn’t know who, though.”

 “Oh, do tell,” Shisui said. “Apparently word of Itachi’s girlfriend almost made it to Kumo…let’s get Iruka-kun’s crush all the way there!”

 “Yeah!” Sakura and Ino cheered.

.o.o.o.

 “Be afraid,” Itachi said quietly as he and Sasuke melted some ice by the Sandiame’s chin. Be very afraid…”

 “Why?” Kiba asked as he and Akamaru chipped off smaller bits of ice.

 “Shisui said something that excited Ino and Sakura,” Itachi said.

 “Oh crap…you know, Shino and Ino have been reading a ton of books on interrogation lately…” Sasuke said. “What if he just gave them information they want to find?”

 “Then, little brother, I may just have to plot against him, and maybe kill him and make it look like suicide if things go too far.”

 “…That was weirdly specific,” Kiba said.

 “Sorry, kids. Iwa border patrol…lot of crazy over there…turned out this blonde I met at that art auction was an Iwa jonin, we skirmished a bit…small world…”

 “Why was he there?” Sasuke asked.

 “He’s a sculptor. Ironically, he loved my submission and apparently got it for the Tsuchikage.”

 “…It wasn’t _that_ good,” Sasuke said, remembering the paint-spattered bandannas oddly arranged on a ragged plank.

 “Oh well. I’m technically a semi-respected artist now,” Itachi said.

.o.o.o.

 Far, far away, Deidara still could not admit to his semi-beloved, elderly teacher that the ‘one of a kind’ work above his desk was done not only by a Konoha ninja, but an Uchiha to boot…even if the old man seemed to like it better than his explosive sculptures…

.o.o.o.

 “Itachi!”

 “Noriko?” Itachi asked, leaning off the mountain. “What is it?”

 “I got the day off! Need any help?”

 “Sure! Use your arrows to shoot more lights and garlands up when we need them, okay?” Itachi called.

 Iruka grinned, “Good plan! That way we don’t waste energy running up and down.” He grabbed Naruto before the boy could tie Chouji to the Yondaime’s hair with garlands.

 Shisui looked at Ino and Sakura, “Ladies…we may have found Itachi’s mysterious girlfriend.”

 “Her?” Ino asked. “In the gray coat with the two braids?”

 “Yeah, that’s Uchiha Noriko. She’s a chunin,” Shisui said. “Now that I think about it, she’s one of very few the clan girls who _didn’t_ claim to be betrothed to Itachi when people found out…”

 “I’m going to swap with Hinata,” Ino said. “Don’t worry, Shisui—Ino and Shino are on the case!”

.o.o.o.

 “So we suspect…”

 “Yep,” Ino replied. “Operation ready?”

 “My Kikaichu are watching,” Shino confirmed. “As am I.”

  “Noriko-san!” Ino called. “Noriko-san!”

 “Um, yes?” the teenager asked. “Do you need something…Ino, is it?”

 “Yeah! I was just wondering how you became a chunin.”

 “In the exams, like everyone else,” Noriko said. “I fought this guy from Grass. Shot him through both knees with one arrow and roasted him with a fire ninjutsu in a minute flat.”

 “Nice!” Ino said. “ _I_ want to be an ANBU.”

 “Well, _what_ a goal,” Noriko said, smiling.

 “Yeah…but…you think boys will be scared of me if I make ANBU? Cause that’d be weird,” Ino said.

 “There are plenty of guys who like girls tougher than them. I know Anko’s got two chunin after her,” Noriko said, patting her on the head. “Help me untangle these lights, okay?”

 “Yeah, I guess. I mean, Sakura can kick Kiba’s butt and he’s head over heels for her,” Ino said. “What about you?”

 “Huh?” Noriko asked.

 “Do you have boys after you?” Ino asked.

 “Nah. I’d shoot them. I’m not into dating, so much,” Noriko said.

 “Huh. I thought Shisui-san said you had an admirer or something…” Ino said. “Or was it you were the admirer?”

 “Ino, it doesn’t matter,” Shino said, walking over. “Mizuki wants to know if there’s any more yellow lights left for the Fourth’s hair. Besides, she wouldn’t be the admirer if she just said she’d shoot any.”

 “Kids, you really shouldn’t let this bother you,” Noriko said.

 “I know, I know but….wait…” Ino said. “Shino—could she be?”

 “I think she is,” Shino said, pushing up his glasses.

 “I’m not,” Noriko said. “Whatever you think it is, I’m not.”

 “Huh. I just thought you were that Uchiha girl Kisame was hitting on,” Ino said.

 “Itachi said it happened last Thursday afternoon. Apparently the girl’s dad was very offended,” Shino added.

 “But, Thursday afternoon…Itachi wasn’t anywhere near the compound,” Noriko said. “He, um, was with me, helping me train my Sharingan.”

 “…I knew it. She’s his fiancé. Shisui so owes me—urk!” Ino choked as Noriko hauled her and Shino up by their collars.

 “Shisui put you up to this?” Noriko demanded.

 “More or less,” Ino hedged.

 “That bastard of a nosy second cousin!” Noriko hissed. She whipped out a not-blunted arrow. “Kids, avert your eyes.”

 “Shisui! Look out!” Ino yelled. “Um, Shino?”

 “My Kikaichu have informed every Aburame within the city walls.”

 “Nicely done.”

.o.o.o.

 “Why is Noriko shooting at Shisui?” Sasuke asked, watching his cousin run like hell over the cliff’s faces to avoid the arrows.

 “Maybe he stood her up,” Itachi said.

 “Niisan, you know as well as I do that Shisui dates _guys_ ,” Sasuke said.

 “Maybe he mistook her for one,” Itachi said.

 “ _You’re_ dating _her_ , aren’t you?”

 “Kiba, toss my brother off the mountain, will you?”

.o.o.o.

 “So, let me see…very violent kunoichi…child endangerment…two older ninja fighting around kids,” Iruka mused. “All kids miraculously suffering very minor injuries…an older ninja telling one academy student to harm another… Yep, this went exactly as expected.”

 “You _expected_ this?” Noriko asked, holding an ice pack where Shisui had cracked her over the head.

 “Well, this in the general sense, yes,” Iruka said. “I live with Naruto and Mizuki—I can plan for chaos if I have to.”

 “Seriously, the man will be dangerous when he eventually goes into the village strategy rooms,” Mizuki said.

 “You shot me, you…ugh,” Shisui sighed, slumping. “Be happy I’m good at removing sharp objects from my person, or Itachi would need a new fiancé.”

 “Or I’d need a new older cousin if you tried that,” Itachi said.

 “Don’t egg them on,” Iruka said sternly.

 “Yes sensei,” Itachi said dryly, going back to his cocoa.

 “I wasn’t even supposed to be involved in this!” Kisame muttered. “I was supposed to get a nice day to myself while you all endangered your lives—and you all come storming into my house!”

 “Well, only because several mildly-injured kids leaving the Uchiha compound would be suspicious. If they leave here, people will think you were giving taijutsu tutoring,” Iruka explained.

 “…Still, you all owe me,” Kisame said. “Nice to meet you though, Itachi’s-girlfriend-Noriko-san.”

 Itachi shot Ino a look, “It’s in Kumo by now, isn’t it?”

 “Don’t be silly! Way too many of those routes would be all snowed up for that!” Ino said.

 “…Where is it?” Noriko asked darkly.

 “Shino?” Ino asked.

 “My estimate would be that any information regarding Noriko-san has not yet left Konoha,” Shino said. “Most of it will probably leave with festival vendors.”

 “Can we legally shut up every vendor in Konoha?” Noriko asked.

 “No. Besides, once they’re out of Fire Country, no jurisdiction. We’d have to kill all of them…I, uh,” Itachi said as the kids all shot him dirty looks. “I plead a bad border patrol mission and a psychotic Iwa jonin.”

.o.o.o.

 Deidara sneezed into his soup, splattering some around the table.

 “Well, at least you didn’t use an explosive…” the Tsuchikage sighed. “So, how was border patrol last week, anyway?”

 “I plead an insufferable Uchiha.”

 “Ah. They _are_ quite hard on the sanity, aren’t they?”

.o.o.o.

 Itachi frowned, “Huh. Guys, I don’t have a rival, right?”

 “No. Mostly because you’re not fond of fighting, but no,” Mizuki said.

 “I could have sworn…I mean I felt like I had a rivalry,” Itachi said.

 “Happened to me once,” Shisui said. “It was this jerk from Rice in the chunin exams…anyone heard about that?”

 “Story time!” Naruto demanded, hopping into Shisui’s lap.

 “…Weren’t you asleep? And what kind of bedtime stories do you give this one?” Shisui asked Iruka and Mizuki.

 “Normal ones,” Iruka said.

 “I read the history textbook,” Mizuki said.

 “Yeah! Like when you told me the story of how the Three Sannin got their name fighting and almost dying against the Salamander-Guy, and how he was so shocked they survived he knew they had to be really strong and named them!” Naruto said.

 “How is that a bedtime story?” Iruka demanded, shaking Mizuki.

 “They _lived_! Happy ending!” Mizuki protested. “Somebody back me up!”

 “…If you ever have kids, Tsubaki will have to work very hard to make sure you don’t give them nightmares,” Itachi said.

 “AH!” Naruto yelled. “Mizu-nii’s going Emo again! I’ll save you Mizu-nii!”

 “I’m not sleeping tonight, am I?” Kisame asked Itachi. Itachi shrugged.


	15. Thank God They’ve Graduated

 “I’ve waited for this day for so long,” Mizuki said. “We get to declare every loony kid other than Naruto someone else’s problem…”

 “…Why are you a teacher again?” Iruka asked.

 “Because I didn’t know children were lunatics. You know we’ve got the Hokage’s grandson’s class next year, right?”

 “Konohamaru’s not so bad,” Iruka said. “Hanabi Hyuuga has me a bit worried…maybe we’ll do better getting her into therapy than Neji…”

 “You know, you have to give us the test first,” Naruto said, looking up from his last-minute notes.

 “Well, you pals need to _get here_ first, oh hyper one,” Mizuki said. “But Iruka made us come an hour early, oh foolish Iruka…”

 “I will force feed you ramen and _you know it_.”

.o.o.o.

 “Okay, now we have the bonus portion of the exam,” Iruka said. “This is part of the new curriculum. If you know any techniques ranked D or up, please demonstrate them.”

 Naruto ran up happily. “You know this one!”

 Mizuki sighed, “Yep. Hokage decided it’s a B-rank for its deadliness.”

 Naruto grinned, “Chibi Technique!”

 The class stared at an adorably cute Naruto with huge eyes and his hands clasped in front of him. Pretty much everyone fell victim to the technique and went “Awwww….” completely letting down their defenses.

 Naruto turned back to himself. “Success!”

 “Great, you pass. Wait outside,” Mizuki said. “Actually, here, we’re going to be here awhile. Get yourself some lunch and bring us some when you’re done.”

 “Got it!” Naruto declared, grabbing his headband and the money and running out.

.o.o.o.

 “What’s going on?” Naruto asked. Sasuke was still at the school, his headband around his head, when Naruto got back. “You guys should be done, right?”

 “Bunch of parents went in looking mad. Next thing I know, my dad and some officers show up citing a disturbance,” Sasuke said. “Dad said to tell you my mom’s picking us both up.”

 “Huh. Wonder what’s going on?” Naruto asked.

.o.o.o.

 “Sir, I think we have it under control,” Uchiha Tekka reported.

 Yashiro added, “Not that they weren’t handling it before…” He chuckled.

 “Right,” Fugaku sighed. “All right. All you are in trouble for almost breaking the Third’s Law. Since no one who didn’t know was around to hear you…eh, I say a week’s jail time or a fine instead of execution. Tekka, you handle that.”

 “What about them?” one mother demanded, pointing at Mizuki and Iruka. Iruka was glaring at the crowd and Mizuki was calmly sharpening a shuriken.

 “They haven’t done anything wrong. They didn’t even attack you when you decided to harass them for doing their jobs,” Fugaku said. “You should all be grateful—I know Mizuki-sensei likes his giant shuriken.”

 Many of the parents shuddered at the smile Mizuki gave them. “That I do, Fugaku-san.”

 “Doing their jobs by passing a demon-urk!”

 Iruka pinned the man to the wall, kunai at his neck and groin, “If you ever call Naruto that again I will not just take vengeance, I will get Mizuki and Hoshigaki Kisame to help me take it.” His tone was perfectly even. He let the man go. “Have a nice day, Toumu-san.”

 “…Why isn’t he a jonin?” Tekka asked Mizuki.

 “He likes teaching here,” Mizuki said, shrugging. “He’s weird like that.”

.o.o.o.

 The Hokage eyed the gathering of jonin. While Iruka and Mizuki had expected more passes by jonin teachers this year, he could only hope the kids proved them right. Down to business… “Now then, the teachers selected for this year’s class are…”

 “Bet whoever gets your kids is surprised,” Kakashi said to Itachi.

 “More likely _we_ get ‘his kids’ Kakashi,” Asuma said. “You can’t think he hasn’t noticed, can you?”

 “He has a point,” Itachi muttered. “Besides, at least half the teams fail, so he’ll want the best jonin with the ones more likely to succeed—so good luck to you two and Kurenai.”

 “Team 7, Sasuke Uchiha, Sakura Haruno, and Naruto Uzumaki will be led by Itachi Uchiha.”

 Itachi went rigid. As Kurenai and Asuma’s teams were announced, along with a group everyone knew Kakashi would fail, Kisame grinned toothily at his friend. “Need someone to wish _you_ luck too, pal?”

 Itachi shot him a look. As the jonin started to file out of the room, the Hokage approached him. “Do you need something, Hokage-sama?”

 “Just wanted to wish you luck, of course, as it’s your first team,” the old man replied. “By the way, my son was right…so consider this payback for the chaos, Itachi.”

 “Sir, just wanted to say it: you’re awesome,” Kisame laughed.

 “Thank you, Kisame. Good night, gentlemen,” the Hokage said, leaving.

 Itachi sighed. He was going to have to get Iruka and Mizuki for this…

.o.o.o.

 When Itachi threw open the door, Mizuki instantly hid behind Iruka.

 “Mizuki!” the brunette hissed.

 “He likes you better. You’ll survive this,” Mizuki retorted.

 “Academy teachers still have to approve all teams, even if the Hokage picks them,” Itachi said darkly.

 “That’s true but…you tell him,” Mizuki said, wishing he had his giant shuriken.

 “Hokage-sama wished for you to take on more responsibility,” Iruka said. “And possibly keep some person from forcing you back into ANBU.”

 Itachi frowned. Danzou _still_ needed a new hobby…he should work on that. “Fine. You are forgiven…if you help me with a new project of mine…”

 “Sounds fun,” Mizuki said. “What do you need?”

 “I need you to go to a civilian bookstore…and buy as many books on handicrafts as you can carry. I shall reimburse you later,” Itachi said. “And get a sheaf of neon paper too—green, I think…”

.o.o.o.

 For the next three weeks Danzou Shimura found dozens of bright green notes telling him to “find a hobby other than tending roots” and books on things like knitting, origami, calligraphy, and beadwork.

 He immediately set ROOT agents on all hobby shops in Konoha. They found nothing, but a few brought home art supplies.

.o.o.o.

 “Now, normally as your sensei I’d have to test you to see if you had what it takes to be genin…but let’s face it, I’ve been your camp counselor for three summers and frankly I know you are competent and capable of teamwork,” Itachi said. “So, instead of me randomly testing you with some weird assessment that messes with your heads, how about we just all talk about what we like doing today and come prepared to show some of that tomorrow?”

Naruto, Sasuke, and Sakura just stared at him.  Sasuke huffed, “Fine, but only because we’d kick your butt at a test anyway.”

  “…Funny,” Itachi noted. “All right, my name is Uchiha Itachi. I like peaceful resolutions when practical, genjutsu, fire, and swordsmanship when they’re not. My hobbies are visiting traditional cafes and trying to get a certain someone to pick up a different hobby than the one they have.”

 “You’re never going to get those books away from Kakashi,” Naruto said, shaking his head.

 “Thankfully that’s not who I meant. Sakura?”

 “I like taijutsu and I guess I kind of like fighting in general and strategizing…I also want to learn some more advanced genjutsu, if possible. My hobbies are plotting with Kiba about the status of randomly being betrothed last year and what to do about it and reading.”

 “Betrothals are rarely random, Sakura-chan,” Itachi said. “Little brother?”

 “I like medical ninjutsu and fire techniques. Maybe a short sword if I get the time, but shuriken are fun too. My hobbies are training and helping Kisame mess with my big brother.”

 “Enlightening,” Itachi drawled. “Naruto?”

 “I like taijutsu and ninjutsu, even if the clone technique is really hard for me!” Naruto said. “I also like seals a lot and like learning about them because there’s a lot of cool stuff you can do with them. My hobbies are eating ramen, playing pranks, and hanging with Ruka-nii and Mizu-nii.”

 “Very good,” Itachi said. “Now, be prepared to demonstrate those likes for me tomorrow after breakfast. Have a nice afternoon.”

 “…He did _not_ just leave us on the roof,” Naruto muttered.

 “Let’s go to the stairs, guys,” Sakura sighed.

.o.o.o.

 “You…got Sasuke’s team?” Shisui asked.

 When Itachi nodded, Noriko burst out laughing. “Oddly enough, Noriko, that isn’t helping.”

 “Oh come on,” Shisui said. “They all listen to you and everyone even remotely involved with your harebrained summer camp knows the Haruno girl wants to get into genjutsu.”

 “Yeah,” Itachi said. “I’m mentally going over what I can teach them…I know one technique Naruto will like, and a fire one that will keep Sasuke occupied for a while but Sakura…not sure.”

 “Hoe about Demonic Illusion: Tree Bind Death?” Shisui asked. “It’s a classic.”

 “It’s too high a rank,” Itachi replied. “She doesn’t quite have the reserves yet…maybe something to incorporate or aid her taijutsu…”

 “What about Demonic Illusion: Falling Petals?” Noriko asked. “Distracts your opponent nicely, allowing you to set up some serious hits.”

 “You would know that, crazy arrow girl,” Shisui said.

 “Yeah, no, it’s short range. My sister knows it though,” Noriko said.

 “I know it,” Itachi said. “I won’t have to find someone and copy it again, that’s fine…huh…”

  “What?” Noriko asked.

 “It’s weird but I just noticed, if you mix some of the specialties around with my students, you have the specialties of the sannin,” Itachi said. “Sasuke’s into medical and fire ninjutsu, Naruto’s into ninjutsu in general and seals, and Sakura’s into taijutsu and strategy.”

 “Holy shit that is weird,” Shisui said. “…Which one goes evil? My bet is your brother—ow!”

 “Give me the bow back!” Noriko said. “Honestly, while I reinforced it so I could use it as a melee weapon, it’s not a bat!”

 “A few more whacks,” Itachi pleaded, grinning.

.o.o.o.                 

 “Now then,” Itachi said. “I’m sure you all know what D-rank missions are?”

 “Yeah. Ruka-nii and Mizu-nii hate having to take them in the summer when C’s and B’s aren’t available,” Naruto said. “They’re just…chores.”

 “Right, chores to teach teamwork and help you get your footing and some pocket money,” Itachi said. “As your sensei, I usually will only act as supervision for these missions, but if you need help, call me.”

 “Right, so, what’s our first mission?” Naruto asked.

 “Locate the Hokage’s grandson,” Itachi said. “Got it before I came over. Kid slipped his tutor.”

 “…Better than painting fences!” Sasuke said brightly. “Okay, what’s he look like?”

 “Here,” Itachi said, pulling out a picture.

 “Oh, hey! That’s Konohamaru!” Naruto said.

 “You know him?” Sakura asked.

 “Yeah, we met yesterday after I left to get my picture taken! This will be easy!”

 “You sure?” Itachi asked. “Because one of the chunin said he’s a biter…”

 “Nah, he’s cool. Come on, I know where to look!”

.o.o.o.

 Itachi wasn’t sure what emotion to feel as Naruto proudly led them to the biggest bookstore in Konoha, into the adult section, and got a boy out from a box badly painted to look like a table.

 “…The Hokage’s grandson sneaks in to read porn?” Sakura asked, horrified.

 “Yeah. But only the stuff with pictures,” Naruto said. “He’s trying to get anatomy down for some technique, aren’t you?”

 Konohamaru, who Naruto had by the ankles, gave a thumbs up. “Right, Naruto-niichan!”

 “How about I take him to the _actual_ anatomy section?” Sasuke asked. Sakura was massaging her temples by this point.

 “Not really part of our mission,” Itachi said. “And Naruto? _How_ does he know where this section _is_?”

 “…Guess he followed the old man like I followed Mizu-nii once!” Naruto said.

 “The _Hokage_ reads this stuff?” Sakura asked.

 “Well, yeah. Everyone needs a hobby,” Naruto said.

 Itachi decided he’d better lead the team to the tower before Sakura killed Naruto…or at least injured him beyond Sasuke’s healing abilities, because then Konohamaru might run if they hurt his “niichan” and he did not want to go through this _ever again_.


	16. Team Itachi vs. The Cat

 “Now, I know the Hokage made this sound easy, but this is actually the most dangerous D-rank in the whole village,” Itachi said.

 “Getting a cat?” Sasuke asked.

 “Little brother, I must advise you not to underestimate this cat. Catching him is a nightmare, and I happen to know that catching his mother was one of the most unpleasant things Kakashi-san ever had to endure. You are _not_ to underestimate this cat and must use all of your skills to succeed. Am I clear?”

 “…So we’re to use everything we can against it, except stuff that would hurt it because then the Fire Lord’s wife gets mad…and all of our skills right now are kind of ‘hurting-things’ oriented,” Sakura said.

 “Yes. That is why this mission is difficult,” Itachi said. “I have personally had to resist flambéing this very cat when it scratched my teammate’s face and got away again.”

 “Whoa. You never lose your temper like that,” Sasuke said.

 “Exactly. As this mission is so difficult, successful competition will earn you all a good lunch,” Itachi said. “I know this one teriyaki place, it’s a bit expensive, but I can afford it…don’t give me that look Naruto, Iruka’s complaining about your protein intake again.”

.o.o.o.

 “Target in range,” Naruto said quietly.

 “I’ll try to use the Wire Manipulation Technique to get him. We’ll just move slowly,” Sakura said.

 “I’ll keep a visual from above,” Sasuke said.

 “Okay,” Sakura said. “Slowly…”

 The wires began to creep towards the orange cat that was looking up a tree at a chipmunk, clearly plotting its doom.

 “Get them around the collar,” Naruto said. “Then I’ll jump in with Sasuke and we’ll grab it.”

 Sakura nodded. This was the hard part. She had to get the wires around the collar and pull them tight before Tora noticed.

 Itachi nodded. This seemed to be going awfully well. He gave it about a minute before it went to hell.

 Sakura held her breath as the wires rose. She was going have to be really fast—the cat would feel them go under the collar and start moving the second he did.

 Tora suddenly thrashed as the wires made contact, but Sakura had him successfully leashed. Sasuke and Naruto dropped down, ready to get the cat in a tighter grip before Tora managed to choke himself.

 Naruto yelped as Tora nearly took his ear off. Sasuke silently thanked Itachi for telling him to wear eye protection and yanked the orange hellion away from the orange ninja.  

 Both his arms were clawed bloody for his trouble. He accidentally released his grip, but Sakura managed to keep a hold on the wires and Naruto pounced, pinning the angry cat to his chest.

 “Sensei, please tell me we have a box or something!” Naruto yelled.

 “…That’s a great idea for next time!” Itachi called back.

.o.o.o.

 Sasuke shuddered as he healed his arms and Sakura’s hands from where she had gripped the wire too tightly. “Forget the Kyuubi, that’s the real menace the village has to deal with. I mean, the Kyuubi was _defeated_ , at least!”

 “Tell me about it,” Naruto said. So far all he, Iruka, and Mizuki had ever noticed the fox do was heal his injuries more quickly—like his ear, which was already fine. The cat had tried to _kill_ him and Sasuke. “So, I’m buying a cat carrier tomorrow morning. Just in case.”

 “Please and thank you,” Sakura sighed. “God, what made that cat so crazy?”

 “The owner smothers it,” Itachi said, coming back from his mission report. “Good news—this is one of the fastest Fire-Lord’s-Wife’s-cat-catching’s on record. Most teams take until midafternoon; whereas I still have time to buy you lunch!”

 “Yay,” Naruto muttered. He was clearly still put out that it wouldn’t be ramen.

 “There’s bad news, isn’t there?” Sasuke asked as the left the tower. He was still fixing his left forearm—Tora had gotten him deep there.

 “As the only currently-active genin team to manage that speed…all Tora missions will be funneled to you if possible,” Itachi admitted.

 “We’re going to need that cat carrier,” Sakura told Naruto.

 “Oh, that’s an even better idea than a box,” Itachi commented absentmindedly. “Ah, here we are.”

 The restaurant was pretty big, and full of polished dark wood and pretty paper lanterns.

 “Hello Tarumo,” Itachi greeted the host. “My team and I are quite hungry. Is there a booth available in a quieter area, I need to go over the mission debriefing with them still.”

 “Of course Itachi-san, I-I,” the man saw Naruto. “Um, Itachi-san, this has nothing to do with me, but…the owner has requested…well, um…”

 “Naruto can’t come in?” Itachi asked dryly. Sakura and Sasuke glared Tarumo.

 “Yes,” Tarumo said weakly. “Not that I doubt your genin’s behavior or conduct but…orders.”

 Itachi frowned, “Tarumo, you know I’d never hold this against _you_. You may tell the owner that until Uzumaki Naruto may eat here, the Uchiha clan withdraws their business for this grave insult.”

 “Yeah, thought that would happen. He’ll probably cave in a week,” Tarumo offered. “Sorry, blondie. Looks like you three just tangled with the hellcat, too.”

 “Is Tora that famous?” Sakura asked, her anger starting to subside.

 “Oh yeah,” Tarumo said. “Sorry about this.”

 “It’s fine. If you randomly get fired, I’ll put in a good word for you at Ichiraku’s. They’re expanding soon,” Itachi said. “Come on, Naruto. You’re getting your ramen after all.”

 The group left. On the way to the ramen stand, Sakura vented what was left of her fury, “That was so rude! I mean, sure he plays some pranks now and then, but Naruto’s never done anything bad!”

 “I’m used to it. Tsubaki-neechan yelled at one owner for not letting me in once when Ruka-nii and Mizu-nii were on a long mission,” Naruto said.  “That’s why Mizu-nii sometimes eats at Ichiraku even though he _really_ doesn’t like ramen—they just give him plain soup instead, but they won’t be mean to me.”

 “That’s still…argh!” Sasuke muttered, folding his arms. “They’ll all be sorry when they look back and realized they treated a future-Hokage like that!”

 “Look, we’ve done what we can for now...here’s lunch-money, I’m going to run and tell Father about the new Uchiha boycott. Order shrimp ramen for me, please,” Itachi said, handing Sakura the money and jogging off.

 “All right, ramen time,” Sasuke said, clapping Naruto on the back. The blonde perked up quickly.

.o.o.o.

 “I heard about the cat mission,” Iruka said when Naruto got home. “Nice job—it took my old team seven hours.”

 “Nine for mine!” Mizuki called from the depths of the apartment.

 “Yeah, we’re awesome,” Naruto said proudly. “Um…can we go buy a cat carrier early tomorrow? It kind of destroyed my jacket…”

 “Yikes,” Iruka said, looking at the shredded cloth. “Any injuries?”

 “Nothing Sasuke or K-kun couldn’t fix,” Naruto said.

 “K-kun?” Iruka asked dryly.

 “We all decided Tora’s the real demon on the Hidden Leaf, so Kyuubi needed a cuter title. Ayame’s name won,” Naruto said.

 “…All right then,” Iruka accepted. “Mizuki! Naruto had ramen for lunch! You want sushi or soup?”

 “You know damn well it’s sushi!” Mizuki yelled back.

.o.o.o.

 “This cat scares me,” Sakura admitted on their third “let’s get Tora” mission. “I mean…it’s like being smothered has somehow maddened it into a near-feral state…”

 “That does seem to be the case. At least we have the carrier now,” Naruto said, tapping the seal on his kunai pouch that held the cage.

 “Oh yeah,” Sasuke said. “If I get clawed up by that thing one more time…”

.o.o.o.

 “Sasuke, this is bad,” Itachi sighed on the fifth “let’s get Tora” that month. “You do not, I repeat, _do not_ , set the cat _on fire_.”

 “I’m healing him!” Sasuke argued. “Naruto, hold him down! I need to get his ears!”

 “I guess we could…you know, put him in the carrier, spray him with water, and claim he jumped in a big puddle,” Sakura said. “That should deal with the soot issue…”

 “Forget lunch after this, I’m going to get drunk,” Itachi muttered as the team worked to make it looked like Tora hadn’t almost become roasted feline. “So very drunk…”

.o.o.o.

 “Hello kids, I’m your sensei-for-a-day,” Shisui said. “Itachi is currently experiencing his very first hangover—what’d you do to push him to that?”

 “…I set Tora on fire,” Sasuke confessed.

 “Sasuke! You are now the proud recipient of being my favorite cousin!” Shisui said. “So, what’s Itachi got you working on?”

 “Shadow Clones for me,” Naruto said. “I’ve almost got it down—he said it would be easier if he could show me the scroll instead of just demonstrating, but it’s apparently a secret security scroll.”

 “Okay. I can work with that,” Shisui said. “Sasuke?”

 “Healing things I’ve set on fire,” Sasuke said.

 “I have a relative who owes me and there’s a hospital nearby, so no worries there,” Shisui said. “I’ll go get them while you warm up. And Sakura?”

 “I’m learning how to plan tactics for various terrains,” Sakura said. “Sensei gives me weird scenarios like ‘you’re chasing an airborne opponent through a very long cavern conveniently filled with tree branches to retrieve the person they have captive’ and stuff like that.”

 “Huh…okay, you assignment is…the Sandiame has ordered you to assist in the retrieval of Tsunade of the Sannin. Give me three possible plans,” Shisui said. He flickered away, presumably to get Sasuke’s test dummy.

 “Tsunade…hmm,” Sakura said. “She’s a gambler…likes to drink…vain…”

 Sasuke and Naruto started doing pushups. Sakura did as well, still musing. “She’s a powerful medic…maybe proper application of the Medic’s Oath—Sasuke, what’s oath say again?”

 “Pretty much ‘I will do all within my power to protect and heal the shinobi and people of my nation no matter what the consequences to myself’,” Sasuke said. “It’s just the shinobi oath with ‘and heal’ added in.”

 “Huh…that might not work…” Sakura said. “Oh well, I’ll come up with something.”

.o.o.o.

 “Shisui, what a surprise,” Sarutobi said. “Are you taking Itachi’s team on a D-rank?”

 “Nah, sent the brats home,” Shisui said. “But…um, Haruno Sakura came up with three viable plans in case you ever need to get Tsunade to come back.”

 “Paying her debts won’t work—even we don’t have that kind of money,” Sarutobi said. “The other two…unorthodox, but possible. I’ll keep them on file.”

.o.o.o.

 “The cat again?” Naruto asked. “Oh well, I can sick clones on it now…”

 “I’m glad Shisui was able to help you finally get that down,” Itachi said. “How many can you make?”

 “A few hundred,” Naruto said. “Shisui gave me this really wide-eyed look, which looked kind of funny since he’s only got one eye and all-”

 “Yes, that is an unusually high number,” Itachi confirmed, cutting off what was sure to be a long list of what made Shisui seem odd to the child.

 That day Tora was confronted with a wall of orange-clad ninja along with the boy who had set him on fire. Tora decided not to run away quite so often.

.o.o.o.

 “Painting a fence?” Sasuke asked.

 “Yay!” Sakura and Naruto cheered.

 “I’ve never seen anyone so happy about such a boring D-rank,” Koetsu commented.

 “Oh, Iruka told me they’ve had every Tora mission for a month and a half,” Izumo replied. “Heck, I’d sort garbage after that kind of torture!”

 “Yeah, but now they’ve got more time for regular D-ranks,” Koetsu said. “So…this should be fun.”

 “What do you mean?” Izumo asked.

 “Itachi is a closet pacifist and innovator,” Koetsu said. “With Naruto on his team too, something tells me the next few mission reports will be a bit out there…


	17. Civil Services Done Uncivilly

Mission: July 19th, D-Rank, Weed Mrs. Habine Tika’s Lawn. **Completed**

Report: Naruto made several clones to speed up the task. Sakura directed the clones what to do while Sasuke tended to the supposedly delicate rosebushes. Mrs. Habine was quite shocked to see approximately a dozen of Naruto running around and almost broke the Third’s Law in her state of frenzy. As she did not fully break the law, I did not kill her; however Sasuke accidentally set her rosebushes on fire in his state of horror at what she said to his teammate. Technically the mission was completed because the lawn _was_ weeded—the rosebushes were separate.

Jonin-sensei of Team 7 Uchiha Itachi

.o.o.o.

Mission: July 20th, D-Rank, Fix a Barn Roof. **Completed**

Report: Closer inspection by myself and Sakura found the roof near un-fixable. With this in mind, Naruto used his clones to herd all animals outside and Sasuke and I simply destroyed the whole roof so we could start from scratch. We finished, but the client insists I must pay for the supplies needed for a new roof since he only wanted the old one fixed. I attempted to explain why that was not a possibility when he made a sexist remark to Sakura. Naruto—or a clone of his—then secretly opened the man’s rabbit hutch (I admit to having no concrete proof, but really it only could have been him). Incidentally, I think we have a D-rank for tomorrow now…

Jonin-sensei of Team 7 Uchiha Itachi

.o.o.o.

Mission: July 21st, D-rank, Catch Rabbits. **Completed**

 This was done quickly and efficiently. The farmer made another remark, this time about the Uchiha clan. I think it was Sakura let his sheep loose, though she claims he must have just had a faulty fence. You can see where I’m going here.

Jonin-sensei of Team 7 Uchiha Itachi

.o.o.o.

Mission: July 29th, D-Rank, Clean the Park. **Completed**

 Now that we are thankfully done doing a string of missions for the rude farmer, my genin were quite enthusiastic about cleaning up a park. Naruto was carefully sorting the plastics as asked when a large squirrel ate a bottle cap. Sasuke decided to perform minor surgery on it to save its life. Thankfully, the squirrel is fine and went home with Sakura with the name “Cappy”. I am somewhat disappointed in her imagination today. However, a civilian mother with two small children may have seen Sasuke performing the surgery. If the children require therapy, I’ll pay. The park looks quite nice now.

Jonin-sensei of Team 7 Uchiha Itachi

.o.o.o.

Mission: July 30th, D-Rank, Help the Hokage With His Filing. **Completed**

 Why do I have to submit a report to you for this? You supervised the whole thing! Naruto’s plan for using Shadow Clones on paperwork is a good idea though; I hope it helps you in the future.

Jonin-sensei of Team 7 Uchiha Itachi

.o.o.o.

Mission: July 31st, D-Rank, Check the Uchiha Lake for Algae. **Completed**

Note: Completed under a substitute sensei—sensei on mission

Yeah, Sasuke and I know this lake pretty well—I’ve tossed him in enough times. We didn’t see any of that stuff the Nara found in that one pond, but we did multiple sweeps to make sure. The pond is in good condition, but I may have scared the fish. Sakura’s weird squirrel tried to surf on the lid of Sakura’s lunchbox while we worked. That rodent creeps me out.

Jonin Hoshigaki Kisame

.o.o.o.

Mission: August 2nd, D-Rank, Redecorate Uchiha Shisui’s room for Uchiha Noriko **Completed**

Note: Completed under a substitute sensei—sensei still on mission

 Wow, we can get hired for pranks now? I need to tell Kure-chan, we can get Kakashi’s books burned! So, anyway, we did like Noriko asked and made the room look like some kind of sparkly wonderland thing. Naruto can get a lot of glitter quickly if you ask. Sakura was very helpful in color-coordination. I’m sure if this was a civilian little girl instead of a male young adult shinobi, this would be a beloved room. Along with payment, Noriko wishes to supply you with pictures of Shisui’s expression when he sees it and her last will and testament in case he goes overboard in revenge.

Special-Jonin Mitarashi Anko

.o.o.o.

Mission: August 3rd, D-Rank, Graffiti Uchiha Noriko’s Bow **Failed**

I don’t even know how Shisui got this through the mission office, but we will not be collecting. My team made an attempt without me—they were all mildly concussed with said bow. As I write this, Sasuke has healed himself of the concussion and is working on Sakura’s. Naruto, Iruka, and Mizuki are plotting against Shisui for submitting something this inane and getting them hurt. You may want to warn him.

Jonin-sensei of Team 7 Uchiha Itachi

.o.o.o.

 Mission: August 7th, D-Rank, Mop Hospital Hallways **Completed**

 We began with the worst-off hallway. While getting a drink of water, Naruto noticed some bugs were clustering around a snack machine and killed them with antiseptic spray. I apologized to Aburame Taka, as he really should know what Kikaichu look like by now, and Naruto gave the remaining bugs some sugar packets he took from the coffee cart. They seem to have come to an understanding.

 The halls were quickly dealt with, though several doctors took an interest in Sasuke’s medical training and kept randomly pulling him aside for chats. They were interested in the Sharingan’s ability to see chakra and how that affected medical ninjutsu, however Sasuke was forced to repeatedly mention that he does not yet have the Sharingan. I cheered him up with a tomato.

 While going to check with the head nurse, Sakura ran into an old acquaintance from our summer camps, some girl whose last name is Kunbara—the girl is not a genin, but had a hurt arm. Apparently they exchanged words which led to a nurse grabbing them, dragging them off, and washing their mouths with soap. Sakura therefore wishes to know if she may have extra pay for gum or mints to get the taste out of her mouth, as ramen isn’t working.

Jonin-sensei of Team 7 Uchiha Itachi

.o.o.o.

 “I don’t think the village can take much more of Itachi’s team doing D-ranks,” Mizuki chuckled.

 “You don’t have to accept the reports for the Hokage,” Iruka groaned. “Rosebushes set on fire, Sasuke sulking over not having the Sharingan, Naruto nearly getting accidentally murdered by Itachi’s girlfriend-”

 “Oh, she’s his girlfriend now?” Mizuki asked.

 “Yes, I-”

 Iruka was interrupted by a knock at the apartment door. He went over to get it. “Hello, ANBU-san.”

 “Umino Iruka, we noticed that you and Su Mizuki made an odd number of purchases at King Luffy’s Krafts,” the ANBU said.

 “Teaching supplies,” Iruka said. “And some hobby books for Itachi, he’s been bored lately.” _Why the hell_ would the ANBU care about Itachi’s prank? “Oh, um, ANBU-san, you’re not supposed to have kanji on your mask. Hokage-sama frowns on it.” He shut the door.

 The ROOT agent stared at the door blankly. He resolved to tell Danzou that the two Academy Teachers were skilled at disinformation and the concealing of motives…and weirdly polite.

.o.o.o.

 “Sensei, are we in trouble?” Sakura asked. “I mean, we only make most of our D-ranks on a ‘ _technically_ we did the mission right because of this’ sort of thing…”

 “We’re good,” Itachi said. “You should see what the team the Yondaime taught got up to and my team, god what we did with cleanup jobs…oh well. Who wants to go help the people of the village by doing D-ranks?”

 “…I want a C-rank in two weeks or we riot,” Sasuke said.

 “I’m with Sasuke,” Naruto said. “This is getting crazy.”

 “Fine, two weeks,” Itachi agreed. He had an assassination mission planned around that time anyway—he could let someone else do it! Kisame and Shisui both owed him anyway…and he could use a nice, relaxing assassination after what this lot put him through…


	18. The Swordsman’s Vendetta

 “Okay, so, since Itachi will be busy for a couple more days doing god only knows what, I get to be your sensei for part of your very first C-rank mission—god only knows how he got _that_ through the bureaucracy,” Kisame said.  “Therefore, failure is not an option—Hoshigaki Kisame _does not fail C-rank missions_. Got it?”

 “Got it, sensei,” Sakura said.

 “Good. We’re apparently working with another team—once Itachi’s back I’m filling in for _their_ teacher instead, so I get two rounds of brats for now….yay,” Kisame muttered. “Why couldn’t he get Shisui for this…?”

 “Oh, we’re not so bad,” Sasuke teased.

 “I heard you set the damn cat on fire.”

 “Oh. That,” Sasuke said. “…I healed it, though!”

 “All right, here we are. Remember to play nice,” Kisame warned.

 He pushed the door to the mission room open and was greeted with two happy cheers of “Kisame-senpai!”

 Okay, maybe this wouldn’t be hell after all…

.o.o.o.

 Team Itachi and Team Gai, currently under the collective name of Team Samehada, did not like their client.

 Kisame didn’t like that he was shifty—he hated liars.

 Naruto, Lee, and Sasuke didn’t like that he’d belittled them—they wanted to prove themselves.

 Tenten and Sakura didn’t like that he was a drunk—Samehada agreed with them.

 Neji flat out didn’t like him…but then he didn’t like anything.

 The feelings were apparently somewhat mutual, since Tazuna didn’t seem to like being assigned “kids” any more than they liked being assigned to him.

 Kisame had taken point, with the boys flanking and the girls as close guards.

 “Now, I’m to understand Team Itachi has never left the village on a mission before,” Kisame said. “Therefore, I’m going to give you some basics. The woods have the interesting combination of having no and many restrooms. Try to see if an animal will eat something before you do, but also make sure you’re actually testing it on an _herbivore_. If the water tastes funny, _spit it out_. Make sure not to bandage wounds with poison ivy. Also, those three bandits following us can get lost before I murder them brutally.”

  The group heard people running away.

 “Now then, let us focus on…and they’re back,” Kisame said. “With ninjas. All right, kids, who wants to kill things?”

 “Kisame Hoshigaki. One of Kirigakure’s greatest traitors,” one ninja said.

 “The Demon Brothers,” Kisame replied, shouldering Samehada.  “Kirigakure’s most easily-hired traitors. With three bandits.”

 “You think you’re so tough?” one of the Demon Brothers asked, charging.

 Kisame kicked him through a thick tree, killing him on impact. “Yes. Yes I do. Kiddies? Who’s fighting and who’s guarding?”

 Neji, Lee, and Naruto stepped up to fight. Tenten pulled out a bo staff and Sakura and Sasuke planted themselves with her around Tazuna. 

 “We have our answer,” Kisame said. “Have at ‘em!”

 Kisame snapped the other Demon Brother’s neck. Neji disabled-then-killed a bandit in seconds. Lee emulated Kisame and put his bandit through a tree.  Naruto somehow managed to string his bandit up from a branch.

 “Okay, Mr. Sole Survivor,” Kisame said, heading for the hung man. “Talking time…”

.o.o.o.

 “This isn’t a C-rank.”

 “That was the highest I could afford,” Tazuna said.

 “ _This isn’t a C-rank_ ,” Kisame repeated, folding his arms.

 “Please, I just need protection to build a bridge—urk!”

 “Look buddy. You know what I hate most in this world? _Liars_ ,” Kisame hissed. “These are genin. You only throw them at enemy ninja _if absolutely necessary_. I don’t think some lie for some pretty little bridge is _necessary_.”

 “It is!” Tazuna said. “Gato has our whole village in an iron grip! We need the bridge for trade!”

 “Oh for all that’s good in life—then say that and ask for a damn payment deal!” Kisame said. “See, see, look at them. Now they want to keep going even though we’re at least up to B-rank now. You happy, old man? We’re about to drag kiddies over their heads. _Happy_?”

 “Kisame-sensei, please, let him go!” Lee implored. “He was most clearly desperate!”

 Oh sit. The kids were giving him that look. He _hated_ that look. Whenever Itachi gave it to him it meant nothing but trouble… “Fine. We’ll ‘do the right thing’ and keep saving his sorry ass. But I get some of that sake!”

.o.o.o.

 This mission was going to be the death of him. Not literally, of course, but Kisame knew his sanity was going to take some _serious_ cracks when he saw the zanbato that sailed over their heads and embedded itself in a tree.

 “Momochi Zabuza, you’d better not being doing what I think you’re doing!”

 “K-Kisame?” the other swordsman asked, walking into view and looking shocked. “What are you—is that a Konoha headband?”

 “Spiffy, ain’t it?” Kisame teased. “Now, kiddies, be good and guard the client from my old pal. There we go.”

 “…You’re the one protecting the bridge builder?” Zabuza asked slowly.

 “Yeah. It’s supposed to be me and this other jonin—he’ll be along in a bit,” Kisame said brightly. He stepped out onto the water to face Zabuza.

 “Well, he’ll just have to find you all dead,” Zabuza said. “I’ve got a contract on that builder’s head!”

 “And I’ve got a contract to make sure his head stays attached…along with the rest of him!” Kisame returned. Tazuna gulped.

 Mist started rolling in.

 “Oh come on, not this again. Zabuza, you know I have good enough hearing and smell to find you in here,” Kisame said, partially releasing Samehada from her wrappings.

 “Yes…but do your ‘kiddies’ I wonder?”

 “Neji, that Byakugan _better_ be activated!” Kisame yelled.

 “It is!” came out of the mist to his left.

 “Good boy. You lot _stay out of the water_ ,” Kisame said. “This is about to get fun.” He dropped and slammed a fist into the lake. “Rain Water Shark Wave!”

 Water went flying, before forming into sharks and rushing Zabuza, who sliced them apart.

 “Water Dragon Bullet!” Zabuza returned, the massive water dragon shooting towards Kisame.

 Kisame simply held Samehada in front of him to block the force of the attack and let himself get soaked by the aftermath. “I’m pretty much a _shark_ , pal. Getting me wet won’t do you any good.”

 “Is that why shark fin soup is crossed out in all your cookbooks?”

 “Not now, Naruto!” Kisame yelled. “Water Release—Five Feeding Sharks!”

 Zabuza was forced into motion as the constructs swam after him. “You dirty bastard!”

 “We’re ninja! We’re all dirty bastards!” Kisame yelled. “Go on boys, _eat_ _him_!”

 The sharks were closing in on Zabuza. The other swordsman started making hand signs.

 “Oh, hell no!” Kisame snapped, rushing him.

 “Great Waterfall Technique!” Zabuza declared.

 Water instantly flooded the area.

 “Damn, damn, damn,” Kisame muttered, heading back over to the genin. “Okay, good, you can all water walk…well, Lee’s sinking a little bit but Sakura, you can keep him up, Sasuke, you and Naruto hold Tazuna, good…okay; I think it best to inform you that Zabuza is likely to use the Water Prison technique next. You all remember that one, right?”

 “The water ball thing you used to mess with Mizu-nii that one time?” Naruto asked.

 “Exactly. Remember, you have to keep an arm in the sphere to sustain it, though,” Kisame said. “So, if somebody’s in the prison?”

 “Make Zabuza move,” Neji said.

 “Correct!” Kisame said. “And if _you_ are in the prison?”

 “Bite his hand?” Naruto guessed.

 “Yeah, was going to say hold your breath, but that’ll do.”

 “Do you have to spoil _all_ the Kiri techniques, Kisame?” came an annoyed voice from the mist.

 “Only the ones that keep the brats alive, Zabuza,” Kisame replied cheerfully. “By the way, builder guy, you are in _so_ much deep shit over this. You have _no_ idea.”

 “Sorry,” Tazuna offered.

 “All right,” Kisame said, taking a few steps away from the group. “ _Zabuza_! Come out and _play_!”

 “You’re an infernal annoyance, you know that, right?”

 “Yes, yes I DO!” Kisame laughed, easily slashing a water clone to pieces. “Nice try!”

 “Hey!” Naruto yelped as he was trapped in a water prison. “You suck, tape-face!”

 Tenten whipped out a katana and tossed Lee her staff. The two went to attack Zabuza—only to merely pin his sword to the side.

 “Great Fireball!” Sasuke yelled, aiming right for Zabuza.

 Zabuza vanished and the prison dispersed, dropping a soggy Naruto onto the lake’s surface.

 “Really buddy? Even the _genin_ can handle you?” Kisame laughed.

 “You know I’ve always wanted to say this—die!” Zabuza cleaved Kisame’s head off, only for him to turn into water.

 “Yes, because you are _totally_ the only one here who can make water clones,” Kisame said dryly, off to his left. “I mean, half the Leaf jonin can do that, you know!”

 “ _You’re_ the reason the coup failed,” Zabuza said.

 “I’m _so sorry_ I wasn’t interested enough. You’re the only one who was that into it anyway,” Kisame said. “Kushimaru was mocking you behind your back the whole time. Miming and everything.”

 “ _What_?” Zabuza snapped. ”B-but… Oh screw it _, just die_!”

 “Now you’re acting like a swordsman! Be direct, that’s always what I tell Itachi!” Kisame said brightly.

 “Then why is niisan the most effective when he tricks people?” Sasuke asked.

 “Sasuke, _not now_!” Kisame snapped.

 “You know, we could keep walking,” Sakura suggested. “Maybe get Tazuna _away_ from Kisame and Zabuza?”

 “…Makes sense to me!” Lee said.

 “Fine, but keep formation,” Neji said.

 “Who put you in charge?” Sasuke asked.

 “I’m sorry, Uchiha, do _you_ want to run this?”

 “Hell no, I’m the medic. I want Naruto in charge—he’s the future Hokage.”

 “Okay!” Naruto said. “Now, let’s move in the direction of the Wave village, try to get off the water, and like Neji said, keep formation!”

 “How are you ignoring that?” Tazuna asked, gesturing to Kisame and Zabuza’s heated fight.

 “We’ve watched Kisame and my brother spar. Way more intense,” Sasuke said.

 “Tenten, take the back with Sasuke. You two are best with projectiles,” Naruto decided.

 “Yes sir!” Tenten said, pulling out some kunai.

.o.o.o.

 “Are—are they _ignoring us_?” Zabuza asked blankly.

 “Pal, I have to work not to ignore you, and you’re _trying to kill me_ ,” Kisame said. “Now come on, just let me drain out all that sweet chakra and put you six feet under…”

 “You’re a bastard.”

 “…I thought we already established that. Whoopsie! You’re chakra’s getting low there, _pal_!”

 “Why you—urk!”

 Kisame stared blankly as Zabuza dropped with senbon in his neck. He immediately swung Samehada up when a hunter ninja from Kiri approached.

 The hunter held up his—her?—hands. “I swear I will not attempt to harm you, Hoshigaki-san. The Mizukage has no wish for a war with the Leaf Village, and I doubt I would survive you anyhow. I am merely here for Momochi.”

 “All right. You know, I kind of did all your work for you…how about a deal?” Kisame said, eyeing Zabuza’s sword.

 “I am afraid that is not within my right, Hoshigaki-san,” the hunter ninja replied. “The Mizukage has requested the retrieval of as many of the swords as possible.”

 “Feh. Fine,” Kisame said. “Might go hunt down Kushimaru or Raiga one of these days…those would work too…”

 The hunter ninja sealed Zabuza’s body in a scroll. “Farewell, Hoshigaki-san. Thank you for your assistance.”

 “Whatever,” Kisame muttered, seeing his kids down the road with Tazuna now that the mist was clearing.  “See you, hunter.” He jogged after them.

.o.o.o.

 “ _What_?”

 “Is…your sensei arguing with his sword?” Tazuna asked.

 “He does that. She is sentient, after all,” Sasuke said, sharpening his shuriken.

 “…she?”

 “Samehada identifies as female,” Sakura said.

 “Oh.”

 “What do you mean ‘oh by the way you don’t think he’s dead’ you crazy sword!” Kisame said. “Why didn’t you say that sooner? Oh, don’t give me the ‘I needed time to think about it’ excuse, Samehada!”

 “So, I have instant ramen and rice,” Naruto said. “Who wants what?”

 “Oh! We could have the rice with my curry!” Lee suggested.

 “Great. I’ll get the water. Sasuke—fire,” Tenten said.

 “Right,” Sasuke said, lighting some timber Lee and Neji had collected.

 “I mean, this guy is an assassination _master_! Why couldn’t you be sure _sooner_? I mean _really_!”

 “So, we’ve got to deal with that Zabuza guy again, huh?” Naruto muttered.

 “Hope he doesn’t flood stuff next time,” Sasuke said. “I mean, they already had a whole lake. Why make _more_ water?”

 “You all are really desensitized, aren’t you?” Tazuna asked.

“No, it’s just we accept that Kisame can do awesome and dangerous things as easily as most of us can tie our sandals,” Tenten sighed. “And that battles he is in escalate faster than any others.”

 “Unless the battle contains Gai-sensei,” Lee said. “Those too escalate quite quickly, due to his excellent speed.”

 “Good point,” Tenten agreed. “Neji, want curry on your rice?”

 “I’m fine,” Neji said curtly.

 “Okay then,” Tenten sighed.

.o.o.o.

 “Cool house,” Naruto said.

 “It’s not much,” Tazuna said. “But it’s home.”

 “Yeah…my two homes were a one room apartment and a five room apartment,” Naruto said. “This place has _two floors_! Sasuke’s house doesn’t even have that!”

 “Wow, you’re easy,” Tazuna muttered.

 “My house is a clan compound covering more than a couple acres,” Sasuke said defensively. “We didn’t _need_ vertical buildings.”

 “Hey, Naruto, my house has _three_ floors!” Tenten said. “Okay…the bottom one’s a shop, but still!”

 “Cool!” Naruto said.

 “If you live in an apartment building, you have a home with stairs already,” Neji said dryly.

 “Yeah, but not all in one house!” Naruto argued.

 “Seriously Neji, is it that hard a concept?” Sakura asked.

 “Watch it, Haruno,” Neji said.

 “What? My fist hitting your face if you don’t pull that stick out of your-”

 “There are a lady and child present!” Lee said quickly.

 “Hey Tsunami,” Tazuna said. “Inari. These are the ninja I hired.”

 “Hey, your name sounds like Tsubaki-neechan’s!” Naruto told Tsunami. “That’s awesome!”

 “Thank you,” Tsunami said, blushing. “And thank you all for coming out. I know it will be very dangerous, I hope you’re prepared.”

 “Yeah, me and your dad might need to chat about that, little lady,” Kisame said. “Right, Tazuna?”

 “Right,” Tazuna said. “I may have…downplayed the mission a bit in my request, Tsunami.”

 “Dad! You didn’t!” she gasped. “Oh you poor kids! Let me make you some dinner, I’m so sorry!”

 She began hurrying around the kitchen, refusing all of Naruto, Lee, and Sakura’s offers to help.

 “Tenten, as someone with experience…is that kid giving us the evil eye?” Sasuke asked quietly, glancing at Inari.

 “Experience?” Tenten asked.

 Sasuke nodded at Neji. She smacked him upside the head.

.o.o.o.

 “…I missed a lot?” Itachi asked when he arrived two days later.

 “Buddy, you have _no_ idea,” Kisame huffed. “Naruto lecturing the client’s grandson because of said grandson saying heroes don’t exist, Sakura almost snapping on Neji for his attitude and asking Naruto if he knows any seals to summon her weird squirrel, Sasuke learning how you fix a roof, Lee increasing his speed, Tenten trying and failing to cook, me getting _so_ drunk two days ago…oh, and I fought Zabuza on the way down. I’ve told you about him, right? Old pal? Anyways, he’s the main opponent so far, and he’ll be back soon…please put the shuriken down.”

 “ _This_ is why you’ll never get a permanent genin team,” Itachi huffed.

 “…Great! I hate most of the little monsters anyway!”

 Itachi groaned. He should have tried harder to make Shisui do it.


	19. Itachi and Bridge Building

 “So, let me see if I have this straight: We have a bridge that needs building by a man who needs protection from an evil corporate magnate who has hired an old comrade of yours that you fought but somehow didn’t manage to kill and will therefore be coming back at any time?” Itachi asked.

 “Yes,” Kisame said.

 “And…you still consider this a C-rank?” Itachi asked incredulously.

 “Hell no,” Kisame said. “We’re definitely up to A by now.”

 “So the genin are still here _because_ …?”

 “You infected most of them with a need to do-good and Neji is a stubborn brat,” Kisame said.

 “Fine,” Itachi sighed. “What are your estimates about our time until Zabuza and his associate return?”

 “Ah...four days?” Kisame hazarded. “We’re alternating guard duty and training until then.”

 “Or, bright idea, we get the bridge _finished_ before then,” Itachi said. “Zabuza can’t kill a man before he finishes a bridge if the bride is finished when he gets there.”

 “I like it,” Kisame said. “…Except all the workers other than Tazuna have quit.”

 “We’re two expert jonin with six capable genin behind us,” Itachi said. “We only need Tazuna to direct us in how to build it.”

.o.o.o.

 “And here I’d thought we’d escaped D-rank labor,” Sakura sighed as she, Lee, Sasuke, and Neji hauled materials to the work site.

 “This is ridiculous,” Neji said. “We should be honing our skills for when Zabuza and his accomplice return.”

 “If my brother’s plan works we won’t have to,” Sasuke said, adjusting his grip on a crate of powdered cement. “And it puts less of a threat on Tazuna to do it this way.”

 “It’s cowardice,” Neji said. “I’d never thought I’d see any proud Uchiha agree to such.”

 “Then don’t call me if you get hurt, Fate-boy,” Sasuke said. “Because _this_ Uchiha doesn’t like having his big brother’s plans insulted.”

 “I think it’s silly how you try to fight your fate by studying medicine,” Neji scoffed. “You are and always will be your brother’s inferior—changing your field of study will not change that.”

 “Lee, may I maim your teammate?” Sakura asked casually.

 To his credit, Lee seemed to consider the matter carefully. “No, Sakura-san. It would be most unyouthful of you and we need everyone for this.”

 “Even mild head trauma?” she tried.

 “Who are we injuring?” Kisame asked as they reached the construction area. “Please say Zabuza. Or maybe that Danzou guy.”

 “Neji,” Sakura huffed, shooting the Hyuuga a look. “How’s it going?”

 “Itachi and Naruto have Shadow Clones speeding up the work, and I’ve got a Water Clone patrolling under the bridge,” Kisame said. “Okay, now you all need to bring gravel. Lots of it. I’m going to go see how Itachi’s welding is coming along.”

 “What about Tenten?” Lee asked. “Has she seen any sign of danger?”

 “Nope. Tazuna’s safe with her,” Kisame replied. “But she’s keeping her weapons sharp.”

.o.o.o.

 “Okay…damn, we’re still behind schedule,” Itachi sighed. “If we don’t finish it tomorrow…”

 “We don’t have far to go niisa—I mean sensei,” Sasuke corrected. “Hell, I’d bet Lee could jump the gap we have.”

 “So could I, but it’s still a good gap,” Kisame said. “And it’s between supports, so if we’re not careful it’ll cave in.”

 “So we will have to fight…pity,” Itachi sighed. “All right, the genin will guard Tazuna and his family, Kisame, you take your sword buddy, and I’ll handle the accomplice.”

 “And if it doesn’t go to your plan?” Neji asked.

 “Then act like the shinobi you are and make a new one,” Itachi said.

.o.o.o.

 “So he’ll use mist to hide in?” Itachi asked Kisame.

 “Exactly,” Kisame replied.

 “…Why don’t you ever do that?”

 “It’s boring. I mean, sure it works and all, and ‘silent killing’ sounds cool, but it’s less fun,” Kisame said.

 “Enlightening,” Itachi said. “All right, we have Sasuke back at the house with Tsunami and Inari, Neji’s up on a post as lookout, the other four have Tazuna guarded…and there’s the mist. Right on cue.”

 “Neji! What do we have?” Kisame called.

 “Two opponents—they’re coming up the other end of the bridge!” Neji called.

 “Good boy! Get back to Tazuna!” Kisame said. “Keep that group updated!”

 Itachi closed his eyes and took a deep breath. When he reopened them, the Sharingan stared into the mist. “Here we go.”

.o.o.o.

 “It’ll be all right out there, right?” Tsunami asked worriedly. “I mean…”

 “We can do this. My brother is one of the most accomplished ninja of Konoha, ma’am, things will be fine,” Sasuke said.

 The three of them flinched slightly as they heard the front door break down, followed by an explosion.

 “Stay by the stove,” Sasuke told Tsunami and Inari. “Those tags probably didn’t get them all.” He pulled out his shuriken. “I’ll protect you. Don’t worry.”

.o.o.o.

 “Well, well, well, Kisame brought his jonin friend out after all,” Zabuza chuckled. “Little short for a jonin, aren’t you boy?”

 Itachi frowned, trying to keep a fix on Zabuza and his partner’s chakra in the chakra-filled mist. “Appearances can be deceiving.”

 “I agree,” the partner said.

 “Itachi, it’s not the same one!” Kisame said. “That’s not the hunter-nin!”

 “I think Haku can handle your students just fine,” Zabuza said. “And it won’t take more than me and Raiga can take you!”

 “Ooh, a twofer,” Kisame said. “Itachi, I’m going all out whether you like it or not!”

 “Believe me, holding back never crossed my mind!” Itachi said, forming hand seals. “Dragon Fire Technique!”

.o.o.o.

 “Enemy,” Neji said quickly. “Behind us!”

 Tenten whipped out her staff and managed to block the hail of senbon.

 “Lee, Sakura, stay close to Tazuna!” Naruto said. “Neji, Tenten, let’s get this guy!”

 Neji rushed the opponent, who dodged. “Naruto! On your right!”

 “Got him!” Naruto said. “Shadow Clone Technique!”

 “Look out!” Tenten said, saving a couple of the clones from more senbon. She, Naruto, and Neji all reached the opponent. “Naruto, can you restrain him?”

 “He’s molding chakra!” Neji warned right as a dome of ice mirrors sprung up around them, the opponent melting into the mirrors.

 “He’s cut us off!” Tenten said.

 “Not for long!” Naruto said. He pulled out some explosive tags. “Hit the deck!”

 Neji and Tenten dropped as a massive explosion rocked the dome.

 “Looks like that seal study paid off, those were _way_ stronger than normal tags,” Tenten said.

 “Bu not strong enough,” Neji sighed as the small crack the ice made by the tags sealed back up. “Naruto! We need to get in a defensive—ah!” He grabbed his shoulder—a senbon was sticking out of it.

 “I’m very sorry,” the opponent said. “But I am Haku, tool of Zabuza. And I’m going to have to kill you.”

.o.o.o.

 “Know any fire techniques strong enough to break the mist?” Kisame asked as he and Raiga continued their duel.

 “He’ll merely make more. It’s not a viable option, just a waste of chakra,” Itachi said.

 “Fine then, I’ll take them both, you get to the kids!” Kisame said. “Samehada said Zabuza’s partner’s back there already!”

 “They should be able to handle things,” Itachi said. “We just have to take out these two!”

 Kisame frowned, Itachi would never…he checked with Samehada. Oh, that was good. That was _really_ good.

.o.o.o.

 “We’re sitting ducks in here!” Tenten swore angrily, blocking more senbon. “Naruto, Neji, we need a plan!”

 “Uzumaki, if you really are the future Hokage… _prove it_ ,” Neji said. “I’ll cover you, just come up with something! Tenten and I don’t have any techniques that will deal with that ice!”

 Naruto nodded, his mind racing. His tags had almost been strong enough…maybe something larger, with more copies of the seal…

 He pulled out an empty scroll and nicked his thumb on his teeth, beginning to draw a seal in blood. ‘All right you stupid fox, if you’re really in there—this would be a great time to prove it!’

 He felt a surge of chakra heading down his arms and he kept at the seal, writing about a dozen bombs around a single trigger. “All right, here we go! Uzumaki Crimson Explosion!”

 Two of his clones rushed the scroll over to a mirror as more clones shielded Naruto, Neji, and Tenten.

 “Run!” Naruto ordered, the three rushing out of the hole in the dome.

 “Nice job!” Tenten said. “I’ve never seen someone make explosives on the fly!”

 “Guess I’m just that awesome!” Naruto said. “Defensive formation, he’s getting back up!”

 “Yes, future Hokage,” Neji said casually.

 “I don’t want to know what happened in there,” Sakura sighed.

 “Neji! You seem more youthful!” Lee congratulated.

 “He said _formation_ , people!” Tenten reminded, blocking more senbon. “Good lord, how is this guy carrying it all?”

 “Seals,” Naruto and Sakura said.

 “That’s how _you_ carry _your_ weapons,” Neji added.

.o.o.o.

 “I think it’s time you died!” Raiga yelled, rushing Itachi. He impaled him on both his swords.

 Itachi smiled. “Sorry. Shadow Clone Bomb.”

 The clone exploded, throwing Raiga off the bridge.

 Zabuza stared, “It was a clone the whole time?”

 “You have more than that to worry about!” Kisame said, forming three water clones. “Like more of _me_!”

.o.o.o.

 “Lee, maybe you could drop your weights,” Sakura said. “If you can get behind him…”

 “No,” Neji said. “He’ll probably just trap him in another ice dome. We have to stick by Tazuna, no matter what!”

 “Wait…that’s it!” Naruto said. “This guy’s been playing all offense! Sensei said that’s for people who don’t have very good defenses, right? Lee, your weights are super-heavy! Can you use them as projectiles?”

 “Of course, Naruto!” Lee said. “Gai-sensei and I play catch with them!”

 “…Great—see if you can hit him! Tenten, you and I will make an opening! Neji, switch with Lee!” Naruto ordered. He threw more explosives at Haku as Tenten threw kunai. The second he was open, Lee hit the boy in the knees with his weights, producing a sickening crack.

 “Damn, I thought you’d need me,” Itachi said, dropping beside them.

 “Why? We have the future Hokage on our side!” Sakura said.

 Itachi nodded. “How does Zabuza’s chakra look, Neji?”

 “Low,” Neji replied.

 “Well, it’s not a waste now then. Kids, avert your eyes,” Itachi said. “Great Dragon Fire Technique!”

.o.o.o.

 Zabuza watched as the mist began to evaporate from the heat of a massive flame behind Kisame. “No!”

 “Oh yeah!” Kisame said. “Now, time you took your death like a man—who the fuck is that? I’m getting pissed off at random people showing up during our fights!”

 “Gato,” Zabuza said.

 “Well, well, I hired a demon and get a kitten,” the short man said.

 “Hey, I might be trying to kill him, but lay off the guy! We’re old pals!” Kisame snapped.

 “And your tool broke her pretty legs too,” Gato sighed, ignoring Kisame.

 “Haku is a boy,” Zabuza said sternly.

 “You’re both worthless, that’s what you are,” Gato said. “If you don’t kill that builder soon, I’ll just dock your fee…”

 “I can’t believe you’re taking this—hey!” Kisame yelled as Zabuza rushed Tazuna. “Get back here you son of a bitch! I was defending you!” He glared at Gato. “You suck!”

.o.o.o.

 Itachi and the others saw Zabuza coming. Itachi quickly pulled out his katana, hoping it wouldn’t break under the weight of the zanbato…

 Another katana joined him in the block, locking the larger sword in place.

 “Get him!” Tenten said, struggling to keep her footing.

 Naruto made more clones and rushed Zabuza. The man dropped his sword in the chaos.

 “Lee,” Neji said.

 “Right!” Lee agreed. The two both rushed Zabuza as well, helping the clones wear him down. Tenten grabbed his sword, dragging it further back so he couldn’t use it.

 “Time to end this,” Itachi said. He shot past the genin at Zabuza, his katana glinting in the dim morning light—only for Haku to substitute himself for the man.

 Even Zabuza looked shocked.

 Haku choked on the blood as Itachi dropped his sword in shock. Haku hadn’t been necessary to kill, he’d been incapacitated, oh _shit_ …

 “Sensei?” Naruto asked. “Sensei!”

 “And now the brat bites it for nothing?” Gato laughed.

 “I told you to shut the fuck up!” Kisame snapped. “You _honor_ the dead, especially those who die for their comrades, you jackass! Fuck it, Zabuza, I’m killing your boss!”

 Zabuza stubbornly got in his way. “If you think I’m letting Haku die in vain, you blue-skinned bastard, you have another thing coming!”

 “You know, if they start going at it like last time we might be able to finish the bridge while Zabuza’s busy,” Lee said.

 “Sensei, breathe,” Sakura said as Itachi shook his head.

 “Sorry. Who was he anyway?”

 “He said he was Zabuza’s…tool,” Lee said.

 “And more guilt, great,” Itachi huffed. “Well, looks like Kisame’s got Zabuza’s arms broken and chakra drained, so we should be fine…”

 “Itachi-sensei, you may want to look again,” Neji groaned.

 “That is a _whole_ lot of bandits,” Sakura said.

 “Kisame, you might want to not get so close to that end!” Itachi yelled.

 Kisame groaned, “Oh for crying out loud! Will people stop interrupting my fights already?”

 “Gato…” Zabuza said darkly.

 “What can I say, they cost less than you…especially with your bounty factored in,” Gato said.

 Zabuza glanced at Kisame. “Haku said you wanted my sword.”

 “Yeah,” Kisame said. “For the girl with the pink shirt back there. Samehada’s going to Lee when I finally kick it, but she deserves one too.”

 “…Help me kill this guy and his goons and Kubikiribocho is all hers,” Zabuza said.

 “You’re probably not going to live through it,” Kisame said.

 “Which is why she can have the damn sword,” Zabuza said. Kisame tossed him a kunai, which he caught in his teeth.

 Kisame glanced back towards the other Konoha ninja, “Said it before, saying it again: Who wants to kill things?”

.o.o.o.

 “Successful A-Rank,” Kisame said as they headed back to Tazuna’s house. “I like it.”

 “Man, you guys might as well jump in the sea,” Tazuna said. “You’re just coated in blood.”

 “I think I’ll take a shower, all the same,” Itachi said.

 “Sakura, that punch was awesome! That guy’s face just caved in!” Naruto said.

 “Oh please, Tenten with the giant sword was cooler!” Sakura protested.

 “No way—Lee and Neji tag-teaming,” Tenten argued.

 “Shit!” Itachi swore when they got back to the house. There was blood on the inside of the windows. He rushed in.

 Sasuke, Inari, and Tsunami were sitting on the kitchen counter. It looked like there had been some kind of blood explosion—Itachi counted three corpses.

 “There were four,” Sasuke said stiffly. “Except…that tendon thing I do where I rupture them? Yeah, the guy tripped and I hit him in the heart on accident…”

 “You _accidentally_ made a guy’s heart blow up?” Itachi asked.

 “…Yes. Tsunami made me put _him_ out back,” Sasuke said, rubbing his shoulder. “Um, that fight was like an hour ago….anyone need healing?”

 “Whoa, whoa, he blew a guy’s heart up?” Kisame asked. “Oh, your dad will love that!”

 “So would a therapist,” Itachi muttered. “Okay, new plan. Everyone, we’re getting cleaned up in the sea after all. There’s not enough central plumbing in the world to deal with us.”

.o.o.o.

 “…and I incinerated Zabuza and Haku’s corpses according to Seven Swordsman Protocol for Kisame’s sake, Raiga must have run off, and then we went back and found out that Sasuke had killed four people who tried to attack Tsunami and Inari, and then we all had to get washed off before finishing the bridge and coming back,” Itachi said.

 “…You know, when I asked why it was named ‘The Chaos Leaf Bridge’ that wasn’t an order for a full report,” the Hokage said.

 “Oh, oops,” Itachi said. “…But you know why it has the name now.”

 “I do indeed,” the Hokage sighed. “So, let’s see…A-rank pay, Tenten has a zanbato, Kisame is getting drunk in memory of the friend who tried to kill him and…Sasuke somehow _didn’t_ activate his Sharingan?”

 “Yeah. Maybe he just doesn’t have it,” Itachi said. “To be fair, he never freaked out or anything, he just did what he had to do.”

 “…Your team is on Tora patrol until the chunin exams.”

 “About that…I _can_ enter them, right?”

 Sarutobi wondered if he needed to instate some sort of minimum sanity requirement for jonin after all…


	20. Operation: Chunin Exams!

 “We’re going to be chunin! We’re going to be chunin!” Naruto cheered.

 “Technically we’re just taking the exams,” Sasuke said. “I mean, a pass can take a few tries.”

 “Sensei did it in one,” Naruto said.

 “It took both your brothers two,” Sasuke retorted.

 “You just want to fight, huh?”

 “Well, I’d like to try and get the Sharingan before we go—it’d make things easier,” Sasuke said.

 “You don’t need it,” Sakura said. “And you can blow up the organs of anyone who says different.”

 “Okay, that _was_ an accident, guys…”

.o.o.o.

 “Hokage-sama, I have a concern,” Hiashi said.

 “Well, I know you wouldn’t come unless you thought it was important,” Sarutobi said. “What is it?”

 “I took Neji’s mission summary upon his return…he mentioned the topic of concern. He said when Uzumaki Naruto was making the seal for the more powerful explosive, he saw bits of red chakra moving down Naruto’s arms,” Hiashi said.

 “What did you tell him?” Sarutobi asked.

 “That it may be a bloodline limit of the Uzumaki clan and that I vaguely recall his mother doing something similar once or twice,” Hiashi said. “It was the simplest explanation.”

 “I see,” Sarutobi said. “So, you are concerned about the status of his seal?”

 “I am sure the Fourth did excellent work,” Hiashi said. “However, some seals do break down very slightly over time. I simply ask that it be given a once-over by someone who would know what they’re doing.”

 “I’ll get Jiraiya on it,” Sarutobi agreed. “The seal is probably due for a check anyway, now that he is an active shinobi.”

 “Thank you for hearing my concern, Hokage-sama,” Hiashi said. “I know the boy has quite good control and would never willingly hurt a comrade but…I would rather be safe than sorry.”

 “And how do you know this about Naruto?” Sarutobi asked.

 “My daughter has had a crush on him since she was seven,” Hiashi said. “She thinks quite highly of him and form what I know of her camp days and the mission Neji was on, she is correct.”

 “And your thoughts of this crush?” Sarutobi asked.

 “Hinata may do as she pleases,” Hiashi said. “Now that Neji’s finally starting to relax a bit I can focus on her self-esteem, though…”

 “Still looking for a way to get Neji’s seal off?” Sarutobi asked.

 “Still failing one-hundred percent,” Hiashi replied.

.o.o.o.

 “Hey!” Sakura yelled. “You put Konohamaru down!” She stormed up to the two foreign ninja. “Don’t you know how to act as guests of another village?”

 The boy with the hat dropped Konohamaru, who rushed behind Naruto. “I don’t know—does that kid know how to treat guests?”

 “Let me see,” Sasuke said. “He bumped into you, you tried to throttle him…nope; you’re in the wrong, Face-paint. By the way, that was the Hokage’s grandson you were strangling there.”

 “Well, I’m the eldest son of the Kazekage,” the boy argued.

 “And yet I still feel like punching you,” Sakura said.

 “Okay, I officially approve of one leaf kunoichi,” the blonde girl laughed.

 “Temari, you’re not helping!” the boy argued.

 “Besides, Naruto’s the future Hokage,” Sasuke said. “So there.”

 “There you three are!” Iruka ran up with Mizuki. “Jeez, Itachi gives us you lot for one afternoon…”

 “We were playing tag with Konohamaru,” Naruto said. “And then we met these… _nice_ …people from Suna.”

 “Kid, your Killing Intent attempt sucks,” Mizuki said, batting Naruto’s hair. “Let it go, little brother…”

 “Wow. Mizuki talking about anger management,” Sasuke said quietly. Mizuki bopped him on the head.

 “Oi, kid in the tree!” Mizuki called. “Be more careful—hanging like that for a long time can make you sick!”

 Team 7 looked over to see a redhead with a large gourd on his back hanging upside-down from a tree branch. Sasuke looked at Naruto, “I thought only you and Iruka did that.”

 “How do you think I know it can make you sick?” Mizuki grumbled. “My _dear_ younger brothers gave me heart attacks for like half a year with shit like that…”

 “Mizuki, _enough_ ,” Iruka said. “Sorry if there were any misunderstandings. I hope you’re not lost or anything.”

 “We’re fine,” the redhead said flatly.

 “Well good then,” Iruka said brightly. Temari and the boy with the hat stared at him in some sort of shock. “I hope you’ll be careful, but have fun before the exams. All right, Team 7, Konohamaru, if you’re playing ninja-tag we’re playing it somewhere safe and less crowded. We don’t need knocked-over shop stalls or crashed-into foreigners, got it?”

 “Got it, Ruka-nii,” Naruto sighed. He grinned. “Let’s play by Kisame’s house!”

 “Get back here!” Iruka yelled, chasing after the four. “You know he’s on break from kids this week, damn it!”

 “On break from kids?” Temari asked Mizuki.

 “Long story,” Mizuki said. “Well, you three have a good day—and seriously kid, don’t hang upside down for too long. You’ll give yourself brain damage.”

 “The blonde…he is your…younger brother?” the redhead asked. “Naruto?”

 “Yes,” Mizuki said calmly. “And I’d better catch up to him. See you!” He jogged off.

 “…Interesting,” Gaara said, smirking. Mother wanted Naruto’s blood. He’d have to see to it that she got her wish.

.o.o.o.

 “All right, this meeting of the Rookie Nine Plus Team Gai aka Team 4 will come to order,” Kiba said. “Future Hokage Naruto presiding, let’s get this going people—my mom gets mad when I’m late for dinner.”

 “Okay,” Naruto said. “So, we ran into one Suna team—literally, thanks to Konohamaru—that’s made of the Kazekage’s kids from what we looked up later. Girl had what looked like a big fan, older boy had something wrapped on his back, younger one had a huge gourd.”

 “We ran into three Waterfall teams and one team from Sound,” Shikamaru said. “Ino was in info-gathering mode _again_. Sound apparently sent one more team, but that’s all for Waterfall.”

 “We ran into a Rain team,” Shino said. “As well as two Sand teams who do not match the description Naruto gave us.”

 “Two Grass,” Neji said. “Their hotel is by our usual training ground. There are at least four more.”

 “Okay, so, what do we know for sure about the exams?” Sakura said. “I’m looking for stories from family and friends here.”

 “Iruka and Mizuki both took two times to pass,” Sasuke said. “And Noriko took three. So we know there are multiple chances…”

 “I know my sister’s mentioned multiple rounds,” Kiba said. “Like…two, and then the finals a month after those, usually.”

 “Okay, these are Konoha exams, so let’s focus on people who made chunin here,” Ino said. “Do we know who that is?”

 “Mizuki-sensei, Itachi-sensei, Tsubaki-san, my father…and I think Kurenai-sensei and Kakashi-sensei did as well,” Hinata said. “I know Iruka-sensei and Shisui-san had theirs in Suna, from what they told us…”

 “What about Kisame?” Chouji asked. “I think we were on good terms with Mist when he was our age…”

 “Field promotion. I already asked,” Sasuke said. “After participating in chunin exams and doing decently, if not promotion-level, it’s possible to be promoted in the field under the right circumstances.”

 “Got it,” Sakura said. “So, Naruto, Sasuke, and Hinata—what have you been told about Leaf exams?”

 “First part is mind, second is body, third is a tournament,” Hinata said. “It’s fairly well-known in our clan.”

 “Okay…so what could they use for mind?” Sakura mused.

 “Genjutsu?” Kiba tried. “No, wait, it would involve a whole team, wouldn’t it? Darn…”

 “Maybe a team’s combined score at something intellectual?” Ino guessed.

 “Sakura, we need to hit the books,” Sasuke said.

 “Ha, ha,” Naruto said. “I know Mizu-nii mentioned some survival thing—mostly because his team _barely_ survived. Man, his bedtime stories are _awesome_.”

 “Okay. Bring some survival gear,” Sakura noted, giggling slightly. “Naruto, how are your storage seals?”

 “Good! And I sell them to my friends at below shop rate!” he said brightly.

.o.o.o.

 “Thanks for letting me stay here tonight, Tsubaki-neechan,” Naruto said.

 “Well, Iruka and Mizuki are helping with the first two tests, so they can’t have contact with you until after that,” Tsubaki said. “So my home is yours. You’ll be my little brother in November anyway!”

 “You and Mizuki picked a cool house—it’s even by a little river!” Naruto said.

 “Well, a lot of healing techniques _are_ practiced on fish and I like to stay current,” Tsubaki said. “Besides, with you and Iruka both getting mission pay, you can afford the apartment without him now.”

 “Huh. We need to tell Sasuke about those fish—he practices on anything he can find…or any clan member another clan member recently injured,” Naruto said.

 “Somehow, I can see that,” Tsubaki laughed. “So, ready for the big test?”

 “Yup! I’ve got my seals made, my weapons packed, and I finally figured out a way for Sakura to summon Cappy!” Naruto said.

 “You know you could have just asked someone like Kakashi—he has dogs he summons.”

 “Nah, this was more fun,” Naruto said. “Besides, we tested it on pencils and worms first.”

 “If you say so,” Tsubaki said. “Well, get a good night’s rest!”

.o.o.o.

 “Mom, what do you think Naruto wants for his birthday?”

 “To make chunin dear, even though it would be a week early,” Mikoto said. “But present wise…I’ll think on it.”

 “Okay. I just want to make sure I have time to get it,” Sasuke said. “…Do you think I can pass without the Sharingan?”

 “Well, let me see…you defeated four opponents on your own, while guarding a woman and young child…and didn’t you do that without the Sharingan?” Mikoto asked.

 “Well…yeah. But Tomou, Shinzo, Arashu, and Muri are in the exam too. And _they_ have the Sharingan.”

 “Don’t worry about your cousins, Sasuke. If anything it’ll make them bigger targets,” Mikoto said. “My second cousin Obito made chunin without his Sharingan.”

 “Oh yeah, he was Kakashi’s friend, right?” Sasuke asked.

 “Right. Now, get some rest, and I’ll see you off tomorrow with your father.”

.o.o.o.

 “Neji, a word,” Hiashi said.

 Neji swallowed. While he was on better terms with Hinata—generally speaking, since they didn’t see each other much outside the home where they had to stay in line—his relationship with his uncle and Hanabi remained as it had.

 He entered his uncle’s quarters, “Yes, Hiashi-sama?”

 Hiashi gave him an odd look before walking over to a chest of drawers. “Neji, you are taking the chunin exams with Hinata. As village law dictates, you are allowed to supersede your service to the Main House for that time.”

 “I know,” Neji said. However, he also knew that the Hyuuga had a tendency to find other reasons to punish Branch House members for what happened during exams.

 “Good. I want to assure you that the law is entirely in place. I expect you to do your best, no matter what that means for the Main House,” Hiashi said. “I also wanted to give you this.”

 Neji stared at the headband. It looked familiar…

 “It was your father’s,” Hiashi said. “Hizashi wanted you to wear it in your first chunin exams. I kept my promise.”

 Neji grabbed the headband quickly. “I…thank you, Hiashi-sama.”

 “Good,” his uncle said, giving him that odd look again. “Get some rest. You have a big day tomorrow.”

 “Yes,” Neji said. “Good night.”

 He didn’t hear the sighed, “Good night, nephew,” as he hurried down the hall in confusion.

.o.o.o.

 “Neji, where’d you get a green headband?” Tenten asked.

 “It…was my father’s,” Neji said. “A gift from Hiashi-sama.”

 “That was nice of him,” Hinata said. “I didn’t know he had that, just some old pictures of Uncle…”

 “He must have hidden it well,” Neji said.

 “Well, it’s got to be a sign!” Kiba declared, clapping Neji on the shoulder. “We’re going to have good luck in this exam!”

 “We are or Neji is?” Shino asked dryly.

 “Where’s Lee, anyway?” Kiba asked Tenten.

 “He’s going to meet us there. He was meeting some curry-makers we know this morning—they came to town for the exams and he’s glad to see them again,” Tenten said.

 “Makes sense! Hey Seven, Ten!” Kiba called as they came upon the other two teams.

 “Eight! Most of Four!” Naruto returned cheerfully. “Everyone’s sealing scrolls work okay?”

 “Great,” Hinata said. “I’m able to bring a lot more medical supplies this way. T-thanks.”

 “And I got to bring even _more_ weapons,” Tenten said.

 “Fifty ryo on some poor sucker getting stabbed before the day is out!” Sasuke laughed.

 “Seventy-five on it taking a couple hours!” Kiba replied.

 “A hundred on it being you two!” Tenten warned, grinning.

 “Why did I agree to walk you all there?” Itachi laughed.

 “Because of that sensei,” Sakura replied. “You need a good laugh sometimes.”

 “I am here!” Lee yelled, running up. “Let us enter the exams and do our best!”

 “Got that right!” Sasuke said.

 “Good luck,” Itachi said. “To your opponents, that is. They’ll need it…”


	21. Morino Ibiki Is Not Pleased...

 “I can’t believe so many people fell for that thing on the second floor,” Naruto scolded.

 “It thins the herd,” Sakura said. “Less opponents for us.”

 “All right, my dad said we need to try and be pretty innocuous for the exams—you know, not draw too much attention. A lot of people are retaking, so nine ‘rookies’ will be frowned upon,” Ino said.

 “Innocuous?” Shino asked.

 The group glanced at each other, taking in Naruto’s neon orange jacket, the Uchiha crest on Sasuke’s sleeves, Sakura’s bright red shirt, Ino’s purple outfit, Akamaru on Kiba’s head, Lee being Lee, Neji’s bright green headband…

 “Well, we’ve failed that already,” Sasuke said. “So let’s just try to keep our heads down and ears open.”

 The group headed into the exam room, where other teams were just milling about. They sat down close to each other, trying to relax a bit before the test.

 “Sasuke. Huh, thought that thing on the second floor would get you for sure!”

 “Hello Arashu,” Sasuke said, sinking in his seat a bit. “Um, guys, my third-cousin. He and his teammates are sixteen.”

 “And not about to lose to some kids who got put here because a ton of them are heirs or potential heirs,” Arashu said sternly. “…Or because Big Brother likes them.”

 “Shut it,” Naruto said. “Or Sakura-chan can shut you down.” Sakura cracked her knuckles.

 “ _Don’t_ talk about Itachi like that,” Sasuke said darkly.

 “Uchiha-san, your presence here is aggravating. Please leave,” Neji said blandly.

 “Whatever, Branch House,” Arashu mocked.

 Hinata stood up and jabbed him in the chest, “As heiress of the Hyuuga clan, I say you _will_ respect Neji-niisan or deal with the consequences.”

 Arashu rolled his eyes and walked away. Hinata sat back down, nervously tapping her fingers.

 “Whoa, you _never_ invoke the ‘heiress’ thing,” Kiba said.

 Hinata flushed and started sinking in her seat. Neji calmly pulled her back up.

 “And now everyone’s glaring. Great,” Shikamaru said. “No, _no_ , Hinata, stay up, I’m not mad at _you_. Neji, _stop_ the death-glare, please.”

 “Ah, it’s fine,” a genin with a musical note on his headband said. “We’re being looked down on too because Sound’s so new.” He held out his hand. “Haruki Mora. These are Misumi and Yoroi. So, are six of you really the two teams that completed the mission in Wave? You have a bridge named after you, you know—plaque and everything.”

 “Huh? Saw the bridge, did you?” Sasuke asked suspiciously.

 “Yeah, Sound’s north of Wave, that’s how we got here,” Mora said. “Still, pretty cool, having a bridge named in your honor and doing an A-rank as genin. All we’ve got is some farmers who like us defending their sheep and said they’d pay us to come again.”

 “Hey, if it pays it pays, D to A,” Shikamaru said, cutting in. “Any scope of the competition?”

 “I’ll tell mine if you tell yours,” Mora said. “Steer clear of the Kazekage’s kids—they’re totally brutal. Oh, and avoid that rain team in the yellow suits if you can—creepy genjutsu from what sensei knows.”

 “I see,” Shikamaru said. “The Grass ninja seem rather cocky this time around, and I can inform you that one of the Waterfall teams is on their fourth try—they’re likely to be very desperate.”

 “Thanks,” Mora said.

 “You too,” Shikamaru said. He sent a quick look to Sakura, who nodded. “Well, excuse me, Chouji owes me some chips for waking me up too early.”

 Chouji quickly handed some over. Sakura hissed, “The fact that it was A-rank was classified. Leaf Ninja only.”

 “Understood,” Shikamaru said. “I’ll make sure it gets looked at.”

 “Good,” Sasuke muttered.

.o.o.o.

 “Now, get to work!” Ibiki said as the kids started on their papers.

 Sasuke wished he had the Sharingan right now—he could copy that way. The questions weren’t too bad—Sakura probably had most done, and that obscure history question was probably from one of Mizuki’s messed-up bedtime stories for Naruto or something Iruka said once, but he was stumped.

 Naturally his cousins all had their eyes going…as did Neji, Hinata, and several other Hyuuga.

 He was getting really worried when what felt like a tiny paw tapped his foot. Sasuke pretended to drop his pencil.

 Cappy was under the desk, a tiny note in his mouth.

 Sasuke smirked, took the note with his pencil, and sat back up.

  _Sasuke—17, Rydomo Mountain, Bakuton, “The Tale of Ten Rogues”, 189, heat of the sun, three colors, 172, False, Snow Country—Sakura_

 Nice, very nice.

.o.o.o.

 Lee squirmed slightly as Shikamaru’s shadow connected with his. He was relieved when the answers started coming, though.

 Ino pretended to slump in frustration, and quickly transferred her mind to someone she’d seen doing well. She memorized the information and got out fast. She then entered Chouji’s mind to relay the information.

 Shino finished spying with his bugs, and lent Tenten some aid with her mirrors when he was done.

 Naruto answered two questions and stopped there—it was all he needed anyway. Who knew Mizuki’s bedtime stories would answer as many questions as Iruka’s books had?

 Hinata and Neji cheated and then calmly pretended to be struggling over various answers anyway, so people wouldn’t cheat off them.

 Akamaru spied for Kiba. It was a bit obvious, but it only lost him two points.

.o.o.o.

 Ibiki had to admit, the rookies were doing better than expected…though he still wondered where in hell Haruno not only found out how to summon a squirrel, but _train_ the thing to deliver notes.

 Konoha squirrels were notoriously fickle, after all.

 He’d been a little surprised Uzumaki hadn’t had to cheat, but then again he guessed that having two academy teachers as older brothers helped with stuff like this. The Inuzuka was edging a little close to overbold, but he’d let it slide and simply inform Tsume that her kid needed better spy skills. Shikaku’s boy surprised him though, writing the whole time instead of doing the minimum and going to sleep.

 He’d have to look at that paper for sure.

.o.o.o.

 “All right, time’s up!” Ibiki declared. “Time for the tenth question!”

 Everyone handed in the papers. Naruto looked around the room—over half the teams hadn’t been kicked out yet.

 Hoo boy. He hoped the tenth question solved that—without kicking out him or the rest of his friends.

 “All right, before I give you the tenth question, you must know: if you fail here, you will never be allowed to retake the exams,” Ibiki said.

 “But tons of people retake the chunin exams!” an Uchiha said. Sasuke and Arashu both nodded in agreement.

 “Well, I said if you fail _here_ didn’t I?” Ibiki asked. “So, I’ll give you all a few minutes but remember—one member leaves, so do their teammates.”

 Sakura frowned. She tapped Cappy on the head and handed him a small note before signaling him to go to Ino.

 Ino stared at Sakura’s squirrel, but took the note. ‘ _Make people forfeit!’_

 She gave Cappy a thumbs up before settling down in her desk and calmly entering a Grass boy’s mind and making him stand. “I-I give up!”

 “Umeshi!” one of the boy’s teammates complained. Ino quickly walked him out the door before returning to her body, leaving one confused boy in the hall. She repeated it with a Rain team and then a Waterfall one.

 “I don’t know why everyone’s being so freaked out,” Naruto told Hinata. “You take risks as a ninja, especially risks to yourself for your team. So?”

 He didn’t see Ibiki nearly face-palm at him so innocently describing the point of the test to another genin.

 “T-that makes sense,” Hinata said. Now two of the proctors were trying not to laugh.

 Tenten and Shino—the boy between them having been thrown out—pulled out some cards and started playing poker with Kiba, who’d turned around in his seat.

 Okay, now they were just being pains.

 He still waited the full ten minutes before announcing, “All right, here we go: the tenth question: you all pass!”

 Naruto jumped onto the table. “Called it!”

 “Off,” Ibiki said sternly. The kid sighed and got down. “All right, for those wondering, ninjas must be willing to risk themselves and their futures for their villages and comrades-”

 “So called it,” Naruto hissed to Hinata and Sakura.

 The window shattered.

 “It’s Anko-senpai!” Ino and Sakura said.

 “Darn it girls, let me do my own intro! This is what I get for helping out Academy kids…” Anko huffed. “Okay, I’m your sexy new proctor Anko! Ibiki, how dare you let this many pass!”

 Ibiki glanced around—there were only about twenty teams, why was she complaining? _Thirty_ , maybe… “Good year.”

 “I’ll cut ‘em in half!” Anko declared. “Everyone, follow me—to your doom!”

 “She’s had too much dango again,” Ino sighed as they all headed out.

 Ibiki watched them leave. “All right, who has Nara Shikamaru’s paper?”

 The chunin shuffled through the tests, Koetsu finding it and handing it over.

 Ibiki’s eyes widened. In the space for question one was a sarcastic poem—in the traditional Nara Cypher style. He immediately sat back down and began decoding the long lament about how troublesome the exam was.

 As he finished, quietly impressed with the kid’s ability to keep to the cypher _and_ proper rhyme scheme and syllable count, Ibiki read the message. “Suspicious Sound named Mora knew more than he should. Thought I’d mention it. This is troublesome.”

 “Um…should we go get them?” Izumo asked, worried.

 “Are you kidding? It’s been twenty minutes—he used a hard cypher, even for someone who knows it,” Ibiki said. “She’s thrown them into the forest by now. If he makes the finals, then we’ll be watching. As for now, get me everything you can on the Hidden Sound Village.”

.o.o.o.

 “This place doesn’t seem so bad. Not really to the ‘of Death’ moniker anyway,” Sakura commented as they headed into the forest. Sasuke walked behind her, quickly pulling her long hair into a braid so it wouldn’t snag on anything.

 “Okay, according to my super-awesome tracking seals, we are…closest to Team 8, then Team 4, then Team 10,” Naruto said. “If everyone follows the plan we will rendezvous…that way.” He pointed east.

 “Good,” Sasuke said, trying off Sakura’s braid. “Most teams will head in deep early, try to get themselves in a trapping position. We’ll just overpower them with numbers.” He grinned. “Oh, and Sakura, thanks for the help on the test.”

 “No problem,” Sakura said. “I wanted to see if Cappy could follow orders by now.”

 “Still, would have been easier with the Sharingan,” Sasuke sighed.

 “You don’t need it,” Naruto said calmly. “You’re just fine. For all we know, a lot of enemies have plans for Sharingan users.”

 “Yes Naruto. I’m sure someone in this forest has an entire plan that hinges on the fact that I have a Sharingan,” Sasuke said dryly.

 “Okay, I wouldn’t go that far,” Naruto said. “I mean, if there was, they sure wouldn’t be pleased, huh?”

 “Who’d make a plan like that, anyway?” Sakura laughed as they headed off to meet up with their comrades.


	22. …and Neither is Orochimaru

“Okay, so we have two Heaven and two Earth,” Shikamaru said. “So, if worst comes to worst, we just pick two teams to pass.”

 “We should try to find teams that have been going around collecting scrolls off teams to thin the competition,” Sakura said. “Even if we don’t get the right ones, we can bargain for more. But we should look out for teams who don’t have a scroll by now—they’ll still be here, trying to get two.”

 “I’ll send some of my allies out,” Shino said, several bugs quickly scattering.

 “Hinata-sama, we should take lookout positions. Preferably ones with high vantage points,” Neji said.

 “There were some seriously tall trees just little further in,” Sasuke said. “Saw them from outside.”

 “All right, now we find an ambush group, let them catch us, and beat them silly,” Naruto said.

 “Let’s do this!” Tenten cheered.

.o.o.o.

 The two Sand teams had been pretty weak. Unlike the supposed strength of the Kazekage’s children they went down fast, the twelve genin beating them into unconsciousness quite quickly. Naruto used his clones to force a perimeter while the other eleven went to work and soon the last of the six opponents dropped.

 “Okay, so we have all established that we are freaking _awesome_ ,” Naruto said. “Did we get the right scrolls?”

 “Pay dirt!” Kiba laughed. “Three Heaven, one Earth! They’ve been busy!”

 “…We needed two each,” Sakura said dryly.

 “Oh. Well, then who do we go for to get another Earth?” Kiba asked as Sasuke healed a small cut on Tenten’s arm.

 “Perhaps a trade?”

 The genin instantly fell into a defensive formation. Neji, Lee, Tenten, and Sasuke stood in front, eyeing the Grass ninja warily.

 She held up her hands. “I apologize for starling you. My teammates are a bit injured, but we have an extra Earth scroll. Perhaps a trade could be made?”

 “…Show us your scroll,” Tenten said. Neji re-activated his Byakugan.

 “Oh, one of the two famed eyes techniques of the Leaf,” she chuckled. “Don’t tell me I’ll be getting a Sharingan glare next?” She pulled out an Earth scroll.

 “Genuine,” Neji declared.

 “And no,” Sasuke said. “You want that; go find my cousins or something.”

 The woman frowned. “Very well. Toss?”

 Tenten took a Heaven Scroll from Kiba and held it. “You throw first. You have more to gain.”

 The woman did so. Tenten waited precisely for the second her hand released the scroll before letting the Heaven fly back. By then the Earth was safely with Team Ten.

 “Thank you all so much,” the Grass ninja said. “Oh, and Sasuke-kun? You could just get in more fights in the forest to activate those eyes. Damn near everyone knows that, dear.”

 “I’m good,” Sasuke said. “Really want to see the Sharingan, go find a cousin of mine. There’s around four in this exam.”

 “Oh, I see,” the Grass ninja said. “I might just have to. I really want to try and test myself against it.” She vanished.

 “Weird girl,” Chouji commented.

 “Shikamaru, plan?” Naruto asked.

 “We have all the scrolls,” Shikamaru said. “So go right for the tower. I recommend a diamond shaped formation with Neji on the front point, Lee of the left point, you on the right point, and Hinata on the rear point. Sasuke in the middle.”

 “I’m not some totally defenseless medic, you know,” Sasuke muttered.

 “No, but that woman showed an odd amount of interest in _your_ eyes,” Shikamaru said. “Perhaps she and her friends have some plan involving their activation, for whatever reason. Therefore, you should avoid combat until we reach the Tower if at all possible.”

 “He’s got a point,” Sakura said. “When you said you didn’t have the Sharingan she looked…upset for a second there. Though, like we said, a plan hinging on your eyes activating is a bit…off.”

 “I put a bug on her. We can track her that way,” Shino said. “She’s still moving away from us. Either she lied about her teammates being injured, or she was very far from them.”

 “First would be smart, the second’s a huge risk though,” Ino mused.

 “So we shall assume she was lying,” Shino continued.

 “Which means Sasuke has been clearly shown to be a possible target, especially if his Sharingan activates while in here—therefore, Sasuke, no eye-activation for you,” Ino finished.

 “…Okay, that was creepy,” Tenten said.

 “And I really can’t control when they activate—I got in a big fight in Wave and nothing happened with them,” Sasuke said.

 “So, we just going to rush the tower?” Kiba asked.

 “No,” Shikamaru said. “Other teams will have set up traps there, probably to try and get a scroll without much trouble. We’ll go early in the morning, after we’ve rested for the night. We’ll need full strength and a good plan to get through.”

 “The tower looked circular,” Sakura said. “And the waiting teams couldn’t have made a _perfect_ perimeter—there’s only twenty-six teams in her total, after all. We’ll need to find a weak point.”

 “After we eat and sleep,” Chouji said. “So, I’ve got a pot and some water and ingredients sealed up. Who wants the world-famous Akimichi Stew?”

.o.o.o.

 “Nice job,” Mizuki congratulated the Kazekage’s children. “First ones here. You probably broke a record or something.”

 “Yeah,” Kankuro said, grinning weakly. Broke a record…like they’d broken bones and skin…Gaara had a little too much fun in there…

 “Well, there are dorms and showers, and medical facilities if you need them,” Mizuki said. “You can just follow Izumo there—he’ll take you where you need to go.”

 Gaara nodded, eyeing the brother of the boy who interested Mother. Nothing about _him_ seemed interesting, so why this Naruto, why his younger brother? What made his blood worthy to her?

.o.o.o.

 “Okay, now, what is the plan?” Shikamaru asked calmly.

 “I use chakra-suppressing seals, taijutsu specialists give us a break in, we take out the trapper-team, we go inside and totally pretend we didn’t all arrive at the same time,” Naruto said.

 “Okay, Lee, Neji, Tenten, Sakura, Kiba, Hinata, and Sasuke, you’re up the second his clones set the seals,” Shikamaru said. “Remember—speed is key.”

 “Got it,” Neji said.

 “Remember, all but the very lowest techniques will not work,” Shino said.

 “We know,” Lee said.

 “And three…two…go!” Naruto said as the Rain team jerked in response to the seals.

 Lee and Sakura cornered one, Lee taking hits so Sakura could deal them. The Rain ninja tried to grab Sakura’s braid only to get her heel to his chin followed by Lee’s fist to his gut. Neji and Hinata took the second, keeping him pinned in one area while Tenten picked at him with kunai. Sasuke and Kiba took the third, fighting much more like brawlers than skilled shinobi, but working effectively just the same. As soon as it was clear the Rain ninja were losing, the other five rushed in to help finish the job, snatch some extra scrolls, and get to the doors.

 Just as Naruto’s hand closed on the handle, the ninja Hinata and Neji had corralled broke away and shot towards the blonde and the scrolls Naruto had grabbed.

 Sasuke tackled him aside and the two landed in a rough tumble. The Rain Ninja managed to get on top and lock his hands around Sasuke’s throat. The Uchiha thrashed under him, and Lee quickly ran over and ripped the enemy off his comrade, tossing him to Shino and Kiba who knocked him out.

 Sasuke’s hand flew to his eyes as he yelped.

 “Sasuke!” Naruto said.

 “ _Inside_!” Shikamaru said sternly. Lee quickly pushed the other two in and pulled the door shut.

 “Sasuke, what’s wrong?” Sakura asked.

 “Something with my eyes…shit,” Sasuke swore. He lowered his hands but kept his eyes shut.

 “Hinata, Neji, check,” Naruto said quickly.

 “It’s like his chakra is fluctuating…oh my god,” Hinata said. “Sasuke, keep your eyes open for just a second or two, okay?”

 Sasuke balled his fists but did as she said. The other eleven genin stared in shock as his eyes rapidly flickered between normal and the Sharingan. He shut them again. “This is giving me a headache…”

 “The suppression seals,” Naruto said. “I…your Sharingan tried to activate while under them and now it’s…I broke Sasuke’s eyes!” He started banging his head on the wall.

 The noise summoned some chunin who were told Sasuke Uchiha needed to see a medic—and probably an eye doctor.

.o.o.o.

 “ _What_ happened?” Itachi asked blankly.

 “Sasuke’s Sharingan activated while the group was in a zone surrounded by chakra suppression seals,” the medic said. “Therefore, it is continually trying to activate and de-activate since it was deprived on chakra upon initial activation.”

 “I’m sorry I broke Sasuke’s eyes,” Naruto said.

 “Kid, for the fifth time, it’s fixable. He’ll even have a while to rest before the finals,” the medic said.  “Itachi-san, could you get one of the nurses to drag one of his brothers up here? That level of depression isn’t healthy for a young boy.”

 Itachi did so before returning to Sasuke’s side. “Okay, so the issue is that his brain can’t process the different images it gets from the Sharingan constantly turning on and off?”

 “Right. Sometimes if Kakashi-san is using his Sharingan a good deal and forgets to keep his other eye closed, his perception is messed up,” the medic said. “Normal eyes and the Sharingan see things differently.”

 “All I know is it hurts less with my eyes closed,” Sasuke said. “…And I’m thirsty.”

 The medic handed him some water. “One of your clan elders said she knew how to deal with this. She’s coming right now.”

 “Great,” Itachi said. “Anything else want to happen today?”

.o.o.o.

 “Itachi-san! You must come quickly!”

 “Kind of busy!” Itachi said, helping Elder Mira fix Sasuke’s eye problem. Apparently her twin sister had done the same thing sixty years ago…

 “I can finish, dear. Uzumaki, help me keep him still, please,” Mira said calmly.

 Itachi sighed and headed out into the corridor. “Yes?”

 “As you know, three of your cousins made it into the Forest of Death,” the chunin said. “Anko-san sensed Orochimaru in there…two have been found dead with the cursed seal. As a precaution, Arashu and his team were removed from the exam.”

 “Orochimaru…he actually went after them in the forest?” Itachi said. “We never had any intelligence suggesting he would…” He rushed back into the room. “Sasuke, Naruto, was there anyone odd you met in the forest?”

 “Yeah, some creepy teenage girl from Grass who perved over Sasuke a bit,” Naruto said. “She was sad he didn’t have the Sharingan and left.”

 “…What?” Itachi said. “That wasn’t a girl! It was Orochimaru, a missing ninja from Konoha and one of the most dangerous men alive!”

 “Huh. Thought that was just the Old Man, you, and Kakashi,” Naruto mused. “So it was a creepy _guy_ perving over Sasuke?”

 “Yes—Orochimaru is the Snake Sannin and extremely dangerous,” Itachi said. “Thank god his eyes weren’t active yet…Orochimaru wants the Sharingan badly…”

 “I don’t think I like them active now,” Sasuke said, hesitantly opening his eyes as Mira finished.

 “Well, you probably won’t need to use them for a while,” Itachi said. “Unless a lot more teams finish in the next three days and we have to have preliminaries, but what are the chances of that?”

 “With our luck?” Sasuke asked.

 “Oh, right,” Itachi sighed. “I may have doomed you, little brother. I apologize.”

 “I think I should stick around,” Mira chuckled. “Maybe call Koharu…this looks to be an interesting time…”

 “Could you not tell our mother until we get all the facts straight, please?” Itachi asked.

 “Consider it done. I was not told a thing about a certain snake,” Mira said.

 “That’s out of the way…now, Sasuke, about Orochimaru-”

 “Why are you talking about Orochimaru?” Iruka demanded as he and Sakura came into the room.

 “Well,” Naruto said. “It goes like this: a snake bastard decided to perv over Sasuke without checking his facts-”

.o.o.o.

 Disguised as the jonin in charge of the two Sound Teams, Orochimaru’s hands fisted as he paced the hall. Sasuke Uchiha did not have an active Sharingan. Therefore, his plan to take Sasuke to get to Itachi would not work, as he needed both brothers’ eyes active to achieve the Eternal Mangekyo…and figure out who they had to kill to get the normal version, but that could come later.

 He’d tried for the other two in the forest that had siblings, but they’d both died at the seal’s application. Weaklings.

 Still, so long as the Kazekage suspected nothing, he would be fine. Konoha would fall and he would get his hands on quite a few of those eyes…

 A loud yelp made him jump as an Inuzuka ran past, “I didn’t mean it!”

 “Lying is unyouthful, Kiba!” a boy in green yelled, chasing him.

 “Both of you get back here! Our teachers will be here soon!” a blonde girl yelled. “I’ll tell Sakura, darn it!”

 Okay, seriously, what kind of ninja was this place making nowadays? And he thought the Sound Four were odd…

.o.o.o.

 “Preliminaries?” Sasuke asked as Itachi woke up Team 7 three days later.

 “Yes. I jinxed you. My apologies,” Itachi said.

 “Let’s get this over with,” Sakura sighed. “Oh, and my mom wants to know: can we have dinner at my house before the finals?”

 “Sounds good,” Naruto said. “Sleepover?”

 “Sure,” Sakura said. “We could even camp out on the roof—it’s flat!”

 “All right, you heard Sakura: let’s get this over with,” Sasuke sighed. “Why do I have the feeling this is going to take a while?”

.o.o.o.

 “All right, since preliminaries have been confirmed to start in one hour, I need you all to help me on this,” Fugaku said. “As you know, _someone_ on the council has cut our budget. Therefore, I think our best option lies in gambling parts of our paychecks to make up for it.”

 “So, what, we have an hour to rank the kids for bets?” Yashiro asked.

 “Exactly,” Fugaku said. “Now, I appropriated a list of the eight teams from Elder Mira, so we at least know who’s competing.”

 “Wow. All three rookie teams made it,” Tekka said. “Nice!”

 “Tekka focus: this money is the difference between getting new coffee machines or not!” Hoteru said.

 “Damn, that’s serious…okay, well, I know that Lee kid is fast—he runs laps by my favorite training ground,” Tekka said. “Hits harder than some jonin, too.”

 “Neji is superb in taijutsu,” Hoteru said. “…Less so in ninjutsu.”

 “Not to sound racist, but that’s most of your clan,” Yashiro said.

 “Well, we don’t all have doujutsu suited for ninjutsu,” Hoteru said.

 “Snark later, rank now,” Fugaku said. “I am not spending another year with those old machines! Half of them don’t even filter properly anymore…”

 And thus the Great Betting Coup was begun by Konoha’s own police force


	23. Mismatched Matchups

“You know, I think I’ll keep my hair like this,” Sakura said, twirling her braid as they headed up the steps to the viewing platforms. “Should have done it ages ago…”

 “It does look good on you,” Ino said. “And now it’s easier for you to wear your headband on your forehead!”

 “Definitely an improvement,” Tenten agreed. “Plus that is such a cool ribbon it’s tied with! I love the flower pattern!”

 “Figures. We guys worry about passing, and the girls declare it not a huge issue and focus on Sakura’s new hairstyle,” Chouji muttered.

 “Well, it _does_ look good on her,” Lee admitted.

 “Pulled-back hair makes more sense for taijutsu,” Kiba agreed. “Isn’t that why you do it, Itachi-sensei?”

 “Nah. I do it because I look like a girl with it down and Anko and Kisame tease me enough as is,” Itachi said.

 “Nice to know,” Sasuke snickered.

 “Stuff it little brother, I’m sleep deprived,” Itachi said. “The Konoha teachers decided to scope the competition and I lost the coin tosses.”

 “You know, you’re almost as bad a bettor as Tsunade,” Kurenai chuckled.

 The board flashed the first matchup: Haruno Sakura vs. Tsugi Kin.

 “Kick her ass,” Itachi instructed.

 “Go Sakura! Opening match, aw yeah!” Naruto cheered.

.o.o.o.

 Fugaku followed the rank-sheet and put money on Sakura. Sadly the odds favored her, but it would still make _some_ money.

.o.o.o.

 Iruka and Mizuki hadn’t even bothered trying to teach—with word of the preliminaries out, the kids were so riled that not letting them listen to the play-by-play on the radio would be suicide.

 “Go Sakura-neechan!” Konohamaru cheered.

.o.o.o.

 ‘Senbon?’ Sakura thought as the other girl hurled projectiles at her. ‘Good thing I remember Haku!’ she quickly bridged the gap between them and engaged Kin in taijutsu.

 “Whoop her!” Ino cheered.

 “Damn, and people told me Leaf girls were sissies!” Temari laughed. “Pinkie packs a punch!”

 Kin tried to use her bells, but Sakura just so happened to have one of the top genjutsu users in the Leaf as her teacher, and it barely even threw her off as she continued her barrage, finally knocking Kin out with a kick to the head.

 “Winner! Haruno Sakura!” Hayate declared.

.o.o.o.

 Mizuki groaned, “Konohamaru, Moegi, please don’t dance on your desks…”

.o.o.o.

 “Uchiha Sasuke versus Akado Yoroi!” Hayate announced.

 “One of Mora’s teammates,” Shikamaru mused.

 “Okay, seriously, why are my students going first and getting Sound opponents?” Itachi asked.

 “Weird luck?” Naruto guessed.

 “Rigged machine?” Neji offered.

 “Kami mocking you?” Asuma tried.

 “Asuma, _you’re_ not one of the students,” Itachi muttered as Sasuke kept his distance from the chakra-drainer.

 “I think my inner-ear’s a little off from those bells,” Sakura said. “Everything keeps trying to tilt on me.”

 “Then sit,” Ino said, pulling Sakura down with Hinata’s help. “We don’t need you falling off the balcony!”

 “Come on Sasuke!” Naruto yelled.

 Sasuke swallowed—he needed to keep the space between them, so he’d have to hit from afar. Hesitantly, he activated his Sharingan.

.o.o.o.

 “Go Sasuke!” Tekka cheered.

 “Chief will be so proud!” Yashiro added.

 “Aren’t you supposed to be guarding me?” a guy in a cell asked.

 “Yeah, you’re really going to try and escape in the middle of these matches,” Tekka laughed. “Because after all, missing this to catch you might make us want to _kill_ you…”

 “I’m good,” the man said.

.o.o.o.

 Sasuke began rapidly firing off Great Fireball, trying to burn Yoroi badly enough for an opening where he could disable the boy. Not getting what he wanted, he switched to shuriken. Finally, as Yoroi began to wear down, Sasuke decided to go for broke and raced forward.

.o.o.o.

 “That’s my boy!” Mikoto crowed as the match was called.

 “Your boy just wrecked some poor sap’s knee!” Noriko laughed.

 “I know!” Mikoto said. “Aren’t you proud of him, Kisame?”

 “Hell yes!” Kisame said as he and Shisui got out some sake.

.o.o.o.

 “Very nice,” Itachi said as Sasuke cleaned his hands on some wipes.

 “It came to mind when I saw him favoring that leg with the Sharingan,” Sasuke confessed. “But I thought screwing with ligaments would be less messy than blood vessels…forgot the knee’s ligaments _protect_ an arterial capsule…”

 “What?” Naruto asked.

 “The thing I broke instead of blood vessels led to me breaking a blood vessel anyway,” Sasuke said.

 “Good plan—oh, a nice hit by Hinata,” Itachi said. “That’s one of the Waterfall kids…don’t remember his name, though…”

.o.o.o.

 “Go neesama!” Hanabi cheered as Hinata’s win was announced.

 “Konoha’s going for the gold!” Iruka laughed, high-fiving Mizuki.

.o.o.o.

 “I h-hope he’s all right,” Hinata said as her opponent limped up the steps.

 “Oh he’s fine, he can _walk_ ,” Neji said. “Hope for Kiba instead—he’s fighting Shikamaru.”

 “The question is, does Shikamaru see winning or losing as more troublesome?” Chouji wondered.

 “Losing—if he does it on purpose I’ll tell his mother,” Asuma said.

.o.o.o.

 “Let me see…wins on Sakura, Sasuke, Hinata, and the Nara kid,” the bookie said as the fourth match was called, calculating Fugaku’s total winnings.

 “All right,” the police chief said. “Kankuro versus Mora…Kankuro. I’ve heard the Kazekage’s kids are strong.”

.o.o.o.

 “That puppet is creepy,” Naruto muttered.

 “I think it’s cool!” Tenten said. “Did you see all the hidden weapons on spring-loaders? I’m getting ideas already!”

 “Oh boy. We get to be target practice later,” Neji told Lee.

 “Neji, mind your flames of youth—snark diminishes them,” Gai warned.

 “Yes, sensei,” Neji sighed.

 “Sensei, the creepy kid is staring at me…” Naruto muttered.

 “Gaara,” Sakura said. “Remember, we bumped into him?”

 “Oh, yeah…but he’s still staring at me!” Naruto complained.

  **‘Because Shukaku senses me.’**

 Naruto pursed his lips and thought really hard, ‘Hey, K-kun, haven’t heard a bit from you since…well, killing stuff in Wave. What’s a Shukaku?’

  **‘The Ichibi. Idiot tanuki always wanted to challenge me—me, strongest of the tails!’**  Kyuubi ranted.

 ‘Um, okay, is this important? I’m missing matches here!’ Naruto thought back. ‘And it’s hard to do this without actually talking and looking _insane_ , so…’

  **‘Avoid the boy. Warn any opponent he faces—subtly, unless you want your own status broadcasted,’** Kyuubi said. **‘And watch the sand.’**

 “Gee, thanks,” Naruto muttered.

 “What?” Sakura asked.

 “Nothing, I was thinking of something unhelpful Mizu-nii told me once about puppets,” Naruto said. “Oh—who won?”

 “Kankuro,” Shikamaru said. “Now his sister’s fighting Mora’s other teammate.”

 “And kicking his ass,” Sakura said approvingly.

 “Okay, I might want a fan like that,” Ino confessed. “That is _cool_.”

 “ _Go Temari_!” Tenten cheered.

 Kankuro’s jaw dropped as the Leaf girls continued to cheer his sister on. “What. The. Hell.” He turned to Baki, “Okay seriously, _where the heck_ did you bring us?”

.o.o.o.

 Fugaku frowned as he went for the next bet—no one knew what Dosu _did_. Sure, the other Sounds had been weak, but if Chouji knew the techniques he thought a young Amikichi might…

.o.o.o.

 “Winner! Kinta Dosu!”

 “Darn,” Shikamaru sighed. “I guess one Sound nin had to get a good matchup…”

.o.o.o.

 Fugaku confirmed with the bookie that Chouza would never know his son had been bet against. “All right…go with the Gaara kid. Umino Iruka thought he might be dangerous and that teacher is rarely wrong.”

.o.o.o.

 Itachi flinched at a slight chakra spike from Naruto—namely the feel of the chakra itself. “Naruto…”

 “Sorry, sensei, got a little overexcited,” Naruto said. ‘KYUUBI!’

  **‘Just warning Shukaku to respect his hosts and not go on any killing sprees. Think of it as your early birthday gift,’** Kyuubi replied. **‘Well, that and the healing factor, but I can’t not give you that, apparently…’**

 ‘You’re going to get me in trouble, damn it! If the Old Man was here, he’d be disappointed!’ Naruto scolded.

 He could almost feel the fox rolling his eyes. **‘…You do realize that doesn’t matter to me, right?’**

 ‘Stuff it, or I’ll go listen to Lee’s new stand-up routine and make sure you’re _wide_ wake for it.’

  **‘You wouldn’t dare!’**

 Naruto smiled slightly at his little victory, before noticing that several of the Konoha 12 were eyeing him and Sasuke was shaking his head. Oops.

.o.o.o.

 “Okay, should have muted that one,” Mizuki said as he class reacted to Gaara brutally injuring a boy from Waterfall.

 “Hindsight is twenty-twenty,” Iruka sighed. “I’m sure the other matches will get them over it…I mean, they get over you teaching the history lessons easily enough.”

 “Yeah, I guess you’re—hey!”

.o.o.o.

 “Are things okay?” Itachi hissed.

 “I told you, overexcited. I got this,” Naruto muttered. “…He’s shut up now. He was…err, liking what he saw. You know, with the fighting and the…stuff.”

 “All right,” Itachi said warily. “Now get down there, you’re fighting Shino.”

 “Shino versus Naruto? Finally, a _good_ fight!” Ino said.

 “What was me fighting Shikamaru?” Kiba asked.

 “A foregone conclusion,” she replied. Shikamaru smacked his forehead.

.o.o.o.

 Fugaku was very happy that most other bettors were prejudiced—he got Naruto at twenty to one.

.o.o.o.

 Naruto and Shino went right into taijutsu.

 “We all know draining your chakra won’t do me much good,” Shino admitted.

 “And your bugs can tell the real me from a clone by now, right?” Naruto asked.

 “Indeed,” Shino said, ducking a swing. “So, I believe that leaves us both with taijutsu, you with seals, and me with genjutsu.”

 “Yeah, really don’t want to throw explosives at you if I can help it,” Naruto said.

 “Naruto, this match is important,” Shino reminded him, aiming an uppercut at his jaw. “You are doing us both a disservice if you hold back.”

 “Well yeah, but I don’t want your folks mad if I hurt you too much.”

 “We are Aburame, Naruto. You do not have to worry about such illogical actions,” Shino said.

 “Well, if you say so,” Naruto said, jumping back and whipping out a kunai. Shino had his own drawn as Naruto threw it, but the blonde replaced himself for the kunai, his foot getting Shino right in the face.

 Shino rolled and got back up, straightening his glasses. “Right, forgot you could do that.”

 “Ruka-nii is very insistent on substitution practice,” Naruto replied with a shrug.

.o.o.o.

 “You are, you know,” Mizuki told Iruka.

 “Shut up so we can hear,” Iruka said flatly. Several students gaped at his language, but went back to listening to the play by play.

.o.o.o.

 “All right, you _wanted_ serious!” Naruto said warningly. He pulled out a tag and threw it.

 Shino dodged, but the smoke filled a good portion of the arena. The Aburame heir looked around, chuckling slightly, his allies told him Naruto was above—damn.

 Naruto performed a heel-drop to Shino’s head.

.o.o.o.

 “Pay me,” Tsubaki told the other nurses. “Seventeen to one to one, right ladies?”

.o.o.o.

 “Nice—that was the tag that has laughing gas in it, right?” Sasuke asked.

 “Yeah—I remembered that Aburame guy form the hospital mentioning that it makes the bugs slow in the head,” Naruto said.

 “I just saw Shino laughing,” Kiba said. “These are the end times.”

 “All three of you are in the finals?” Itachi asked. “ _Sure_ , why not?”

 “You should be proud of your most youthful students, as I am proud of mine!” Gai said.

 “Sensei, none of us have fought yet—I was wrong,” Neji said as Tenten went to fight Ino. “All right, bad matchup for Ino, but Tenten’s all-but guaranteed a win.”

 He was proven right about three minutes later. “Okay, I know you all hit me when I say fate-related things, but you have to admit that match—ow!”

 Sakura gave him a stern look, “No fate, Neji. Or your new headband’s going to be a gag.”

.o.o.o.

 “Huh, looks like Gai’s team gets the last three matches,” Kisame said. “Lee should be able to handle this Zaku guy.”

 “Itachi’s team all made the finals!” Shisui cheered. “I am so getting him drunk tonight!”

 Mikoto and Noriko shared a glance and shrugged. _Men_.

.o.o.o.

 Fugaku grinned—between Naruto and Lee he’d made a killing. Forget new coffee machines, they could get new filing cabinets and cell doors!

.o.o.o.

 Hinata watched as Neji took out the last member of the Waterfall team. “Darn, all of them got knocked out. I feel sorry that they came this far only for that…”

 “Mora’s team did the same,” Shikamaru added, frowning. Maybe Mora hadn’t been as much a threat as he’d thought—Kankuro had taken him down easily enough.

 “I can’t believe this,” Kurenai said. “Three full teams headed to the finals _after_ preliminaries.”

 “I don’t want to believe it, myself,” Itachi said.

 Gai clapped him on the shoulder, “Our flames of youth will have to work overtime for the next month, Itachi! By the way, I’m borrowing Kisame for Tenten and some of Lee’s training. I hope you don’t mind.”

 Well, there went some of Itachi’s half-formed schedules. “Okay…”

.o.o.o.

 Gaara stared at the odd blonde. Mother said there was something in him, something like Mother. Something Mother didn’t like…where she told him not to kill in its presence…for now.

.o.o.o.

 “All right,” Hayate coughed. “Here are the lineups for the finals: First match—Rock Lee versus Hyuuga Neji. Second match—Kankuro vs. Kinta Dosu. Third match: Temari vs. Nara Shikamaru. Fourth match—Hyuuga Hinata vs. Haruno Sakura. Fifth match—Uzumaki Naruto vs. Tenten. Final match: Uchiha Sasuke vs. Gaara.”

 Sasuke gulped—of all the opponents to get!

 Itachi sighed—yep, this was going to be very hard to train for.

 Hinata and Sakura exchanged grins before weakly patting Sasuke on the shoulder.

 Temari and Shikamaru exchanged analyzing looks. Kankuro just looked between them, confused.

 Naruto hugged Lee, who hugged Neji and Tenten.

 Orochimaru secretly jumped for joy— _Sasuke had the Sharingan_. The plan was still on!

 And Baki didn’t know why, but he shuddered slightly.


	24. Chapter 23: Mikoto Strikes!

Itachi sighed—of course all three members of team 7 had made it to the finals. Sure, in non-preliminary-involving exams that would have happened anyway, but _still_. It’s like the world didn’t think maybe, just maybe he’d like to _relax_ or something.

 He stared at the scroll in front of him—he was doomed. Sasuke was fighting a quite-possible-homicidal maniac with obvious sanity issues and an excellent defensive ability that rendered all of Sasuke’s usual tactics null and void. Naruto was fighting Tenten, who could easily mow through his clones with her arsenal, and a chakra-suppressing seal wouldn’t _matter_ since she didn’t use much _anyway_. Sakura…well, she could probably beat Hinata without any major training overhauls, but she’d still _need_ to train.

 Working out a time schedule was like getting Mizuki to eat ramen: not happening. He’d have been fine if he could have left off training Sasuke’s Sharingan, Sasuke certainly wouldn’t mind as he was still hesitant about using it, but the only technique Itachi could see getting through that sand required their eyes. However, even if he kept Sakura’s training near-normal and pulled in someone like Noriko or Kiba’s older sister to help, Naruto would _still_ get the shaft.

 He couldn’t call Kisame, since Gai had poached him to help Tenten and Lee while Gai helped Neji and Lee—actually, he should add ‘can use giant sword’ to Tenten’s skillset, since she’d have Zabuza’s down by then… Shisui, well, Itachi wasn’t sure _his_ skillset was entirely compatible with Naruto’s and he was taking away missions like nobody’s business at the moment. Maybe if he got Kakashi to help Sasuke with the Sharingan _and_ Chidori…wait, no, then _Sasuke_ would feel neglected instead of Naruto…

 His head hit the desk.

 “Don’t do that dear,” his mother said, coming in. “Let me see if my maternal mind-reading still works: You’re concerned about neglecting one or more student in the lead up to the exam finals.”

 “Sasuke tell you?” Itachi asked.

 “Dear, I’m the one who threw the victory party two nights ago,” Mikoto chuckled.

 “Oh…did Kisame get me really drunk or something?”

 “No. Your father and Shisui did. You really don’t take your alcohol well, Itachi,” Mikoto said. “Now, tell your mother what’s wrong so she can help.”

 Itachi explained. In detail. While resisting the urge to bang his head on the desk again.

 Mikoto nodded, “Well, your team’s coming for lunch tomorrow to see the schedule, right?”

 “Yes,” Itachi said. “What there is to see…”

 “Well, be a dear and bring Noriko to the luncheon. I’ll take care of the rest.”

 Itachi stared at his mother as she left, “Um…okay?”

.o.o.o.

 Mikoto calmly walked towards the hot springs. Tsume had sent the warning out yesterday—a certain perverted hermit was back in town. A certain seal-knowing hermit who had already trained one Hokage.

 And he _would_ teach Kushina’s boy, or she’d make it so he could never peep in Konoha again!

 She found him by a knothole in the bathhouse wall. They really needed to check more often for those. “Jiraiya-sama.”

 He turned, “Uh…there’s an enemy spy in there and-”

 “You’re peeping for your dirty books,” Mikoto said flatly. “Unless you want me to scream and bring the wrath of Konoha’s entire female populace as well as that of the Uchiha clan down upon you, you will listen to what I have to say.”

 “Look, I really don’t get into clan politics, lady-”

 “Uzumaki Naruto.”

 Jiraiya’s eyes narrowed, “What about him?”

 “His mother was my friend. Therefore, I intend to help him as much as I can,” Mikoto replied. “His entire team made the chunin exam finals and their sensei is having trouble planning training for all three. I have seen the attempted schedules and can fix them if you agree to tutor Naruto at least three afternoons a week.”

 “I don’t take students,” Jiraiya said.

 “He’s not your student, you’d merely be tutoring him,” Mikoto replied. “He is interested in seals, which you just so happen to specialize in. He also doesn’t put up with being ignored, so if I tell him to seek you out he will pester you until you teach him, which would cut into your pervert-time.”

 “Well, someone’s thought this through.”

 “Yes I have,” Mikoto replied. “Please come by the Uchiha Compound at noon. Team 7 is eating lunch together to discuss training.”

 “Or you’ll just sic Naruto on me?” Jiraiya asked.

 “Goodness no—I’ll sic his older brothers on you.”

 Mikoto hid a smile—with that comment, the hermit’s curiosity was officially piqued.

.o.o.o.

 Jiraiya headed for the Uchiha compound. It seemed a bit lighter than when he used to hang around Konoha…less rigid, somehow.

 “Naruto, Sasuke, if you aren’t helping get out of the kitchen!” a woman’s voice ordered.

 Jiraiya was led to the main house in time to see Naruto and a young Uchiha—Sasuke, apparently—walk out of the kitchen and slump on a couch with a giggling pink haired girl. The opposite couch held two teenage Uchiha and a young silver-haired man, and the clan head was in an armchair.

 “Mizu-nii, you’re marrying a kitchen demon,” Naruto muttered.

 The silver haired man laughed, “Please—Iruka was the one ready to whack you with a spoon!”

 “Just leave them to their business,” Fugaku advised. “Oh, Jiraiya-san, Mikoto mentioned you were coming.”

 “She shanghaied me,” Jiraiya said flatly.

 “Your mom rocks,” the pink haired girl laughed. Sasuke and the male teenager blushed.

 “Why do you think I married her?” Fugaku asked. “Oh, Jiraiya, this is my elder son, Itachi, those three are his team—Naruto, Sakura, and Sasuke, my younger boy. This is Itachi’s girlfriend Noriko and Naruto’s eldest brother Mizuki. The other brother is in the kitchen, his name is Iruka.”

 “And he whacks you with spoons?” Jiraiya asked.

 “Nah, but he wants to when I really try to get on his nerves,” Naruto replied. “Ruka-nii’s too nice to hurt anyone but enemies.”

 “Far too nice,” Fugaku agreed. “It makes one wonder how he’s such an effective ninja…”

 “Beware the nice ones, father,” Sasuke said. “You’d think niisan would have shown you _that_.”

 “He has you there,” Itachi said. “Jiraiya-sama, thank you for coming, even if my mother shanghaied you.”

 Jiraiya blinked—okay, either the Uchiha’s newest generation was more respectful than the last, or he was in a genjutsu. “You’re welcome. So, you’re teaching these three?”

 “He sure is,” Noriko said. “You’ve got Naruto who does seals and spams Shadow Clones like there’s no tomorrow, Sakura who can beat up just about every other genin her age and also likes genjutsu, and Sasuke, a fire-lover and the world’s first ever Uchiha medic!”

 “Medic?” Jiraiya asked. “Talk about going against the curve, kid. How’s it been?”

 “Nice,” Sasuke said. “Though I’ve had some accidents with the offensive techniques…”

 “He tried to rupture a tendon, the guy tripped, and he blew up his heart,” Naruto said. “That room was, like, _covered_ in blood.”

 “If you could stop reminding me, that’d be great,” Sasuke sighed.

 “It was a good achievement, especially since no harm came to either of your charges,” Fugaku said. “You should have slightly better control with your Sharingan activated.”

 “…What if it glitches again?” Sasuke asked.

 “Glitches?” Jiraiya asked, getting the feeling he’d been gone way too long.

 “Naruto’s seals accidentally broke Sasuke’s eyes for a bit. They’re all better now,” Sakura said.

 Oh yeah. He’d been gone _way_ too long.

.o.o.o.

 Jiraiya kept a close eye on Naruto’s so-called brothers throughout the meal. He could definitely see where Fugaku had come from when the man had called Iruka almost too nice—the brunette was easily the most collected person at the table, even beating out Mizuki’s pretty-quiet fiancée. He’d have to look into how Naruto took them on as older brothers though—Iruka was around ten years older than the kid and Mizuki looked a bit older than that.

 “Now then, since Jiraiya-sama has so kindly given us three afternoons of his time a week, I’ve finally managed to put a schedule together that not only won’t kill me, but won’t kill any of my students,” Itachi said. “Sasuke, you’re spending every weekday morning Kakashi to work on the technique you’ll need, and four afternoons with either me, him, or possibly Noriko to help you train your Sharingan. The fifth afternoon you’re with Tsubaki on healing. Sakura, you’ll be training with Noriko or Inuzuka Hana in the mornings, and myself or my mother in the afternoons. Naruto, you have the weird schedule—you have me four mornings a week, Jiraiya gets three afternoons, your brothers get the other two afternoons, and the last morning you’ll be with Tsubaki, who’s going to make sure you’re not overdoing things on accident. That make sense?”

 “So…how long do we have for lunch?” Naruto asked.

 “From noon to half past one. You afternoon trainers may keep you after dark if they like—Sasuke, that’s going to happen to you a _lot_ with Kakashi,” Itachi said. “Now, Naruto, with me you’ll be working on better clone strategies to deal with Tenten’s weapons, your brothers have traps, maybe ninjutsu, and weaponry, and Jiraiya has seals. Sakura, almost all of your training is in taijutsu, with my mother doing tactics and Noriko and I will help you with ninjutsu and-or genjutsu. Sasuke—Sharingan and getting through that damn sand is about it, which is why you’ll only be with Tsubaki one afternoon week.”

 “Whoa, whoa,” Jiraiya said. “They get weekends off?”

 “Well, let me see,” Itachi said. “Iruka and Mizuki have to do extra administrative work that they won’t be doing the afternoons they’re training Naruto or doing admin work for the tournament, Tsubaki has to work at the hospital, Noriko typically takes weekend border patrol, and I’m sure you’ll want to peep at the hot springs while they’re mostly full on Saturdays. Plus these three use those days for basic conditioning and mild rest.”

 “Fine,” Jiraiya sighed. “Let’s get this going…”

.o.o.o.

 “So, Naruto, what do you know about seals?”

 “Well, one keeps the fox in my belly, some explode—I’m good with those—you can use them to summon, you can use them as storage, they don’t have to be made of ink if you’re low on time, and I think there’s some more advanced ones but I haven’t had time,” Naruto told Jiraiya.

 “Good start. Okay, what are your main sealing techniques?” the sage asked.

 “Well…usually explosives. I have a ton of improved versions of your basic explosive, and the Uzumaki Crimson Explosion.”

 “And how is that done?” Jiraiya asked.

 “Well, I put a dozen strong bombs around one trigger and infuse the whole thing with the fox’s chakra-”

 “You can draw on his chakra?” Jiraiya asked warily.

 “Yeah, all the time—something about a filter in my belly-seal…what did the Old Man say? Anyway, I can usually only get enough for a technique if I tell him to give it, though.”

 “You can talk to him?”

 “All the time, but I can tune him out if he gets whiny,” Naruto said. “And sometimes he’s napping.”

 “What?” Jiraiya said. “So, you can, say, hold a conversation?”

 “Yeah, see, whenever he’s awake and I’m not busy with something I try to give him a little therapy,” Naruto said. “K-kun has serious issues, and I’m trying to help him work through them.”

 “…You’re giving the Kyuubi therapy,” Jiraiya said.

 “Only when I have the time,” Naruto replied. “Oh, and the other Konoha Twelve know about K-kun. Confessed after the prelims because he pulsed his chakra in excitement—totally had to scold him there. They all took it really well, though everyone who isn’t in the finals wants to take vengeance on my behalf for mistreatment and stuff…I know Ino mentioned using the rumor mill…”

 “Okay, so, I have clearly missed a lot,” Jiraiya said, rubbing his temples. “All right, you know some seal types, now what sort of seals are you good at using other than explosives?”

 “Um, storage, summoning-transfer, and chakra suppression,” Naruto said.

 “You figured out how to do summonings already?” Jiraiya asked. “What do you summon?”

 “Oh, no, it wasn’t for me. It was for my teammate and her squirrel. He’s really useful so we need a way to get him quickly.”

 “…Wait. You didn’t learn how to _summon_ , you figured out how to apply a summoning seal to an animal…as a _genin_ ,” Jiraiya said.

 “Well, ever since I got interested in them Mizu-nii and Ruka-nii have gotten me tons of books and scrolls on seals,” Naruto said. “And Ruka-nii knows how to make the explosive ones, I just improved some. And then he improves them back and then I improve them back and by now we can blow stuff up really well! Even K-kun agrees with that!”

 “Why do you call him K-kun, anyway?” Jiraiya asked.

 “Oh, see, we had to rename him something cuter since Tora’s way worse, and then Sasuke mentioned that calling him “Kyuubi” was kind of weird, since it’s be like calling one of us ‘human’ or ‘no-tails’ or something. I found out he has a name, but he won’t tell me, so it’s still K-kun.”

 “Okay then,” Jiraiya said. “Any information about the attack no one else knew?”

 “Nut in an orange mask is all he’ll say,” Naruto said, shrugging. “He likes to go on long rants about how humans are bastards and his situation is an indignity, yadda, yadda…oh, hey, sorry man, didn’t know you were listening.”

 “He’s listening?” Jiraiya asked.

 “Well yeah, watching my life like a movie is the only fun he gets,” Naruto said. “And yes, I’m going to talk to him already. Jeez, man. Sorry, sorry, _fox_. Can you keep it down?”

 “Who does he want you to talk to?” Jiraiya asked.

 “Sasuke, something about his opponent K-kun thinks he recognizes,” Naruto said. “Probably an old bloodline limit or something.”

 “So…other than ranting, what does he talk to you about?” Jiraiya asked.

 “Eh, some of the fights I’ve been in, some of Ruka-nii’s cooler traps, oh, and he was really impressed this one time where Mizu-nii threatened this grocery store owner—the hell do you mean impressed is too strong, bunny ears? Yeah that’s right, _bunny ears_.”

 “I think I’ll mainly stick to seals and only deal a little with you accessing his chakra, then,” Jiraiya said. “Since you and _K-kun_ have some issues to work out.”

 “For the best. Dude, can it, trying to learn here!” Naruto said. “You won’t rant when Ruka-nii’s giving a lesson…okay yeah, this guy doesn’t actually _grade_ me but come on!”

Jiraiya groaned. The kitsune might make this a very hard month for him.

.o.o.o.

 “Very nice!” Noriko said as Sakura used Wire Manipulation to bind a target. “Now, remember how this works?”

 “Dragon Fire Technique!” Sakura said, breathing fire along the wire. The target went up in flames. She took a deep breath. “Yeah, that’s still a chakra-heavy technique for me.”

 “We’ll work on it,” Noriko said. “Or, Itachi will, I guess. You have him tomorrow, right?”

 “Yeah, with his mother, then Hana-san,” Sakura said.

 “Okay, let’s see,” Noriko said, activating her Sharingan. “Okay, start molding chakra…good, good…okay you’re still using it at maximum efficiency, that’s great, so we just need to up your reserves. I say twenty laps on the Uchiha Lake is a good start.”

.o.o.o.

 “How was today, Sasuke?” Mikoto asked.

 “Okay,” Sasuke said. “I’ve got my right eye on the first stage and my left is on the second. Itachi showed me some stuff for that and then we did more speed exercises. Kakashi’s going to get me started on his technique thing tomorrow morning, and then Sakura, Naruto, and I are going out for lunch.”

 “Well, be a good study for Kakashi,” Mikoto said. “You’re fortunate such an excellent ninja decided to help you.”

 “Mom, he told me Itachi threatened his porn, you know.”

 “Well of course Itachi did—to get him to show up on time. It’s how Kushina used to do it, I just passed it along,” Mikoto said. “Fugaku, dear? Your day?”

 “Paperwork and a disturbance at the Academy. Iruka and Mizuki’s class, actually,” Fugaku said. “Hyuuga Hanabi and the Hokage’s grandson got a bit into it—things were broken up by the time we got there but apparently _someone’s_ been showing Konohamaru how to make explosives.”

 “I’ll get on Naruto’s case for you, Dad,” Sasuke said. “What were they fighting over?”

 “Whether Hinata or Naruto was ‘more awesome’ I believe,” Fugaku said. “Hanabi also allegedly brought Neji into the mix so Konohamaru added Sakura and that was apparently when they started…sparring.”

 “Oh dear,” Mikoto sighed.

.o.o.o.

 “Sister, cousin, I would like you to affirm for me that you are more awesome than Uzumaki Naruto and Haruno Sakura,” Hanabi said.

 Neji choked on his rice and Hinata’s jaw dropped.

 “School fight with Sarutobi Konohamaru,” Hiashi said. “Do _not_ encourage her.”

 “Yes father,” Hinata said blankly.

 “Okay then,” Neji muttered, freeing his larynx.

 “So, how are you two doing in finals training?” Hiashi asked.

 Neji choked again.

.o.o.o.

 “Thank you so much for treating us, Mikoto-sama,” Koubai said.

 “Please, no formalities, our children are on the same team—well, our children, Tsubaki’s future little brother,” Mikoto said as they reached their table. “So, is everyone excited?”

 “Over the moon,” Koubai said. “Misata’s sad Ino didn’t make it, but Ino’s helping Hinata train a little so at least she’s not slacking. Sakura—goodness, I never imagined my daughter would be able to brawl like that!”

 “I’m getting all sorts of questions at the hospital,” Tsubaki admitted. “Everyone wants to know how to bet on Naruto…”

 “You said he’d win it all, didn’t you?” Mikoto asked.

 “Well, he _is_ the only one who won’t tire out by the end of it,” Tsubaki said innocently.

 “How’s Itachi doing? Sakura said his schedule was insane,” Koubai said.

 “Well, the Hokage agreed that after the exams he could have a week of mental health leave,” Mikoto said. “And I’d best leave it there.”

 “Oh yes,” Koubai agreed. “I’m only a civilian, after all. Some of the things Matsu and Sakura tell me…lord, I’d never have made it as a ninja, I’ll tell you that.”

 “Your shop is quite nice, though,” Tsubaki said. “I liked those new fans you got in.”

 “They were nice,” Koubai said. “You know, the Kazekage’s daughter bought one!”

 “Well, maybe she’ll tell some people about it!” Mikoto said happily. “Now, what should we order…”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also known as Logistics Planning for Ninjas!


	25. Danzou vs. Two Academy Teachers

 “Bye everyone—Konohamaru don’t hold kunai like that!” Iruka yelled out the door.

 “Kids,” Mizuki said, shaking his head. 

 “Even Naruto never tried some of the stuff they’re pulling,” Iruka muttered.

 “Well, _Naruto_ had to go home with us.”

 “Good point.”

 “Excuse me, gentlemen.”

 Mizuki looked up to see an old crippled man with a cane. “Yo.”

 “I was interested in how you taught the class that graduated last year,” the man said. “After all, three teams nominated for the chunin exams, most giving good showings…how did you condition them? Surely it couldn’t just be the jonin; they’ve only had them four months…”

 “Who are you, elder-san?” Iruka asked slowly.

 “Oh, my name is Shi.”

 “Short for _Shi_ mura Danzou?” Mizuki asked dryly. “What? We know you _exist;_ you’re even in the textbooks from the chapters about the Second Great War. Dude, pick a better alias.”

 “Such…perception. Fitting for a teacher,” Danzou said. “Though the attitude is off.”

 “Blame Iruka. He got a double dose of nice, I got a double dose of bastard,” Mizuki said.

 “How may we help you, Danzou-san?” Iruka asked tightly.

 Mizuki vaguely wondered if he should just pull the fire alarm.

 “Well, by answering my question, boys,” Danzou said, still keeping that amicable tone.

 “…We taught them, they were good students. The end,” Iruka said sternly. “We are given some degree of confidentiality when it comes to our students’ lives, Danzou-san.”

 “Well, then I could certainly look in your reports,” Danzou said. “Those are public to shinobi with proper clearance, after all.”

 “And what do you hope to find there, Danzou-san?” Iruka asked. It was kind of freaking Mizuki out how deathly calm his friend had gotten.

 “Perhaps information on Naruto-kun and his… _control_ over-”

 “Third’s Law,” Mizuki said instinctively.

 “We all know, boys, so it wouldn’t break it,” Danzou replied.

 “There is a high probability that a student who forgot something will come back within an hour of class ending. Should they overhear you the law would be broken,” Iruka said sternly. “Likewise, students serving detention by cleaning the halls or leaving late for whatever reason could overhear, which would again break the law.”

 Danzou gave him an incredulous look.

 “We wouldn’t want to endanger our little brother by breaking the law, and you certainly wouldn’t want to pay the penalty for breaking it,” Mizuki added. “So…you think we have something to do with Naruto’s control?”

 “I have seen others like him in my life, boys,” Danzou said. “Few have that control. He does.”

 “He _is_ friends with a smart Uchiha and being taught by another one who is very, very powerful,” Mizuki replied. “If Madara could handle _it_ why can’t any other member of that clan, right?”

 “Ah. You think it is Uchiha Itachi’s influence, then,” Danzou said. “Or…Sasuke’s?”

 “No idea,” Iruka said pleasantly. “After all, the notion you’re bringing up so rarely factors into our dealings with Naruto, Danzou-san.”

 “Fourth made a good seal,” Mizuki acknowledged. “Isn’t that all there is to it?”

 “I have information that Naruto used _it’s_ chakra in recent weeks.”

 Iruka pursed his lips.

 “Well, it does live _in_ him. Why _shouldn’t_ he charge rent now and then?” Mizuki asked, feigning boredom. “I mean, it probably also knows if Naruto dies it dies…”

 “I see,” Danzou said.

 Iruka and Mizuki both felt the Killing Intent but didn’t react. It was only a grade or so above Itachi’s best.

 “That’s rude,” Iruka noted.

 “Very,” Mizuki agreed. “Danzou-san, we really need to ask you to leave. Papers to grade, lessons to plan, you know the drill…”

 “I must say I do not. I have never taken a team or any students whatsoever,” Danzou replied.

 “Oh, right. Itachi mentioned you liked gardening instead…seriously, though, a plant’s roots can only help so much-”

 Mizuki replaced himself with a chair as a three kunai shot through where he’d been standing. “Dude, any magazine will tell you—keep an eye on the stems too! That’s it! Sheesh!”

 “Danzou-san, _leave_ ,” Iruka ordered, standing up sharply.

 “What do you know?” Danzou demanded.

 “Why do you keep asking—Naruto has good control of it because he _does_ , okay?” Iruka snapped. “Now get out of our classroom!”

 “About ROOT,” Danzou said.

 “…What I just told you. Stems are important too—Naruto gardens more than we do, honestly,” Mizuki said.

 “Not roots—ROOT,” Danzou said. “What do you know?”

 “…I know that you think we know something about it,” Iruka said. “What do you think we know, Danzou?”

 Danzou frowned. Either they knew much and were mocking him, or knew nothing and were goading him into revealing something. “Itachi has told you it is my… _hobby_.”

 “Yes,” Iruka said. “Though you’ve made it quite clear that it’s not actually gardening, thus we can come to the conclusion that Itachi was using that as a euphemism. Due to your violent outburst when you thought Mizuki was referencing it, I would consider it something you find _very_ important.”

 “The name is ROOT, which tells us that it’s connected to the village, since leaves and roots are both parts of a plant,” Mizuki said. “Some would consider the roots the more important part too—I know my fiancée does for her onion plants.”

 “So therefore you may have named whatever ROOT is in a fit of hubris, saying that the village needs it to survive as a plant needs it roots,” Iruka said. “And yet if it is so needed, why is it so secret, Danzou-san?”

 “All roots are needed,” Danzou said. “And few are ever seen.”

 “Well, then Naruto’s totally a Leaf—he likes being seen, after all,” Iruka said. “So your concern with him is doubly unnecessary, Danzou-san.”

 “Plus, not _all_ roots are needed,” Mizuki said. “See, when you have a potted plant, you have to cut up the root balls a lot so they don’t overgrow the pot and leave no room for soil.”

 “I think you’re taking the gardening metaphor a bit far, my boy,” Danzou said dryly.

 “Okay, fine. No more metaphorical shit,” Mizuki said. “I don’t care who you are. I don’t care what you can do, or how strong you are, or what political clout you’ve got. If I even think you’re a threat to my little brothers, I will carve you up and then take my prison sentence with pride, you jerk.” He jerked a thumb to Iruka. “And he’ll do worse, only no one will ever know and he’ll get to stay free to take care of Naruto. So get the hell out of our classroom before we make you!”

 Danzou glanced at Iruka. The scarred man smirked, “I can’t say anything Mizuki hasn’t, only that your killing intent output is rather annoying by this point and quite frankly I’ve gotten meaner glares from Inuzuka Kiba’s puppy. Get out.”

 “I will be watching you,” Danzou said warningly.

 “See, doing that makes me think you’re a threat that I might need to go stabby on,” Mizuki growled.

 “Easy, tiger,” Iruka said. “Danzou-san, leave. Not only leave, but leave us and Naruto alone. I mean it.”

 Looking at the scarred chunin’s glare, Danzou felt mild admiration for his loyalty to the boy and the Leaf…and, for the first time in years, a bit afraid.

.o.o.o.

 “So, we finally met Danzou,” Mizuki said at that month’s sensei dinner.

 Itachi went rigid, “What happened?”

 “Are you all right?” Kakashi demanded.

 “He used Shisui’s eye, didn’t he?” Kisame asked.

 “Wait, what was that about your cousin’s eye?” Iruka asked Itachi.

 “Danzou took it. Open secret among my clan and friends who are in the right pay grade, sorry I couldn’t tell you,” Itachi said. “But…you didn’t feel your minds being influenced?”

 “Unless he wants to influence us to beat the hell out of him, no,” Mizuki said.

 “He…took Shisui-san’s eye?” Iruka asked, aghast. “Why hasn’t Hokage-sama-?”

 “No proof. Shisui can sense it under the bandages but he was unconscious when it was stolen,” Itachi said.

 “I know that look,” Mizuki said. “Guys, Danzou just moved to the top of Iruka’s shit-list.”

 “Stealing eyes, threatening genin, running some shadowy root thing…that is not how an honorable Shinobi of the Leaf acts!” Iruka said, bringing his fist down on the table, cracking it.

 “I think his flames of youth have turned into an inferno,” Gai said quietly.

 “More like Amaratsu,” Itachi said, shuddering.

 “Kakashi, when Naruto’s not being trained by Jiraiya or Itachi, watch him. Train him if you want, but watch him for us,” Iruka said, getting up. “Come on, Mizuki. We’re dealing with a _problem student_ …”

 “Tsubaki has both our wills!” Mizuki called as he was dragged out.

 “This is either going to be really awesome, or Naruto’s going to need new guardians,” Kisame said. Itachi kicked him.

.o.o.o.

 “How did you two get in here?” Danzou demanded as he entered his quarters.

 “Oh, first we did a lot of researching—that took a while—and found where you’d probably be, then we beat up your first-line guards, then we stripped them naked and stole their clothes, and then we acted like emotionless zombies until we got here!” Mizuki said. “We went to your office first, but Iruka just confiscated a lot of stuff and then he blew up the rest.”

 “This organization is reprehensible, Danzou-san,” Iruka said. His Killing Intent blanketed the room, making Mizuki and Danzou both shudder. “Kidnapping orphans and brainwashing them, faking the deaths of and kidnapping clan infants and brainwashing _them_ …you have a lot to answer for.”

 “It is for the good of the village,” Danzou said simply.

 “Sandiame-sama disbanded all extraneous ANBU groups decades ago,” Iruka said.

 “He knows about ROOT. He knows we are necessary,” Danzou said. “We take the missions Konoha cannot be known to take.”

 “Or the ones the Hokage turns down, from what I grabbed in your office—thanks for keeping all those diaries,” Iruka said. “Tell me, Danzou, was it necessary to the Leaf to participate in Rain’s civil war? Was it necessary to send both Yakushi Kabuto and his adoptive mother to Iwa, trick her into not knowing him, and try to have them both _killed_?”

 “Do you even _know_ the shit you caused with that one?” Mizuki added. “Know who Kabuto’s been with since? Orochimaru and some secret organization that wants to capture all the jinchurikki. Well done sir, you have served us well by helping our enemies.”

 “They had become threats to ROOT in their spying and needed to be terminated,” Danzou said simply. “The outcome was clearly unforeseen.”

 “Fuck that, she was his _mother_ ,” Mizuki said. “You’re lower than Uchiha Madara, you know that?”

 “Uchiha Madara is a blight on this village!” Danzou snapped.

 “… _Is_?” Iruka asked slowly, his Killing Intent intensifying.

 Danzou’s visible eye widened—he’d slipped. He quickly activated Shisui’s eye.  “He always has been, he casts a shadow over this village and influences his clan towards reprehensible actions.”

 “…Yeah, not buying that,” Mizuki said.

 “Danzou-san, what do you know about Uchiha Madara…in a more current sense?” Iruka asked dangerously.

 Danzou frowned—why wasn’t Shisui’s Mangekyo working? He had the Shodai’s cells to augment it, and he hadn’t used it in months… “I know nothing about him, presently speaking.”

 “Giant shuriken,” Iruka ordered.

 “Way ahead of you,” Mizuki said, summoning several.

 Danzou snarled. This was inconceivable! How did they have this immunity? He ripped the bandages off his Sharingan eye.

 Then he saw it. The chakra. The _red_ chakra.

 Then he saw a shuriken headed for his face and substituted himself with a potted plant. “You have the Kyuubi’s chakra.”

 “Just a little. See, K-kun doesn’t like the Sharingan, and when he heard what Shisui’s could do and who _you_ were…well, Naruto said he was pretty much jumping with glee at an idea of beating it,” Iruka said. “A little seal work and demonic chakra and well…”

 “See, it takes your little mental commands and turns them into more of… _suggestions_. Suggestions we don’t really want to follow,” Mizuki said, throwing another giant shuriken.

 Danzou pulled another substitution, this time with a pillow. Iruka calmly substituted himself with the pillow and then Danzou for himself right as the shuriken hit.

 Danzou gasped at the impact. Blood started to seep through his robes.

 “So, here’s the deal,” Iruka said. “We’re already giving your documents to the Third. However, we’ll get you medical attention if you give us Shisui-san’s eye.”

 “Or, you know, wait until you’re dead and take it,” Mizuki said. “Your choice…you’re going to bleed out within a few minutes otherwise…”

.o.o.o.

 “Itachi, I am hereby asking for your friends Iruka and Mizuki to be appointed jonin,” Fugaku said.

 “Why?” Itachi asked. Had their ‘vengeance’ on Danzou been that effective?

 Later he understood, when he saw Shisui cheerfully chatting with a clan elder—with two eyes.

.o.o.o.

 “Seriously? Double substitution to put in him a shuriken’s path?” Kakashi laughed.

 “ _Giant_ shuriken,” Iruka reminded him. “Nice throw.”

 “I try,” Mizuki said. “He was way overconfident too. Relied on his stolen eye too much—once we were around that we were gold.”

 “Plus he was in shock that we got around it,” Iruka added. “I never thought I’d like anything K-kun did…I have been proven wrong.”

 “And the furball doesn’t even want anything for it! He’s just over the moon about beating a Mangekyo,” Mizuki laughed. “Okay, well, that and apparently some of the stuff Naruto’s learning he likes watching. So, one evil, manipulative guy in custody, need us chunin to do anything _else_ for you jonin?”

 “Huh…weird,” Kakashi said. “So, we’ve got a week until the finals—getting excited?”

 “Out little brother will be kicking ass, so yes,” Iruka said, smirking.

.o.o.o.

 Looking at the various desensitized children and teenagers, the council was at a loss.

 “Danzou told them they obey us now,” Koharu said. “So…what do we do?”

 “There has to be some way to rehabilitate them,” Sarutobi said. “But what?”

 “Let’s just get them to behave until after the exams—hy house is large and fairly empty, we can lodge them there until then,” Homura offered. “I’m sure we’ll come up with something…”

 Sarutobi looked down at the large file on the dismantling of ROOT, which included Uchiha Fugaku’s suggestion for Iruka and Mizuki’s promotion. “Something indeed…”


	26. Operation Friendship

 

_Twenty seven days until the finals:_

 “Well, at least we have a training schedule now!” Sakura said brightly as she and her teammates headed off after lunch.

 “So, yeah, Sasuke, remember: Gaara’s like me, only crazy,” Naruto said as they went to meet up with the rest of the Konoha 12. “Be careful, okay? And if you think he’s going homicidal, _forfeit_. I’m begging you here.”

 “At least everyone took the explanation about K-kun well,” Sakura said. “Even though you should have told _me_ sooner.”

 “Sorry…I was scared,” Naruto admitted. “Hey everybody! Sorry we’re late! Sasuke’s mom was pulling some schedule magic for Itachi!”

 “Well, you’re here now,” Shikamaru said. “Now then, we have to discuss our plans for the finals. Namely, Naruto’s idea to befriend the crazy Sand team.”

 “I told you, I think Gaara’s like me only…bad,” Naruto said. “We should try to make him good!”

 “Sand and Leaf _are_ allies,” Ino mused. “I mean, it couldn’t hurt…and nobody’s training every single day, right?”

 “Weekends off,” Team 7 said simultaneously.

 “Darn—we only got Sundays,” Tenten said.

 “I can work with that,” Shikamaru said. “All right, so, how do we go about playing nice, as it were?”

 “Oh, I talked to the Old Man about it,” Naruto said. “He had a great idea!”

.o.o.o.

 “Why are we being ‘cordially invited’ to a ramen stand?” Kankuro asked.

 “The Hokage said it was one of the better places to eat in the village and he wants to promote bonds between our two villages,” Baki said. “So place nice.”

 Temari frowned as they approached the place, “Wow, do they even have enough seating?”

 “There’s tables around the side.”

 The four jumped slightly at the sudden appearance of two Konoha chunin—Naruto’s brothers.

 “You’re coming?” Baki asked, trying to sound neutral.

 “Yeah, little brothers conned me into it, ramen-lovers that they are,” Mizuki huffed.

 “Ichiraku makes normal soup special for you and you know it,” Iruka scolded. “Sorry—Mizuki really dislikes ramen.”

 Kankuro glanced at Gaara—his younger brother was analyzing the two men, like he was looking for something… “So, all the Konoha teams coming?”

 “Yes. I was going to come sooner, but one of our students blew up Mizuki’s desk,” Iruka said. “Honestly, we _need_ to stop letting Naruto assistant-teach when one of us is sick…even if he _is_ free…”

 “Ruka-nii! Mizu-nii! You guys made it—oh, hey, guys, the Suna team’s with them!”

 Kankuro watched the orange blur briefly hug Mizuki before attaching itself to Iruka, babbling about ramen and training and _it’s so good to see you, Ruka-nii_!

 “Kid. It’s been a _morning_. You can’t have missed us that much. Hell, you weren’t that clingy when you got back from Wave after almost two weeks,” Mizuki muttered.

 Baki cleared his throat, “Well, I suppose we should order…”

.o.o.o.

 Temari analyzed the twelve Konoha genin. Thus far she had ascertained that all twelve were comfortable acting as a unit, that Shikamaru guy she was to face in the finals was considered the smartest, Naruto was seen as the de-facto leader…and none of their sensei had shown up, unless one was counting Iruka and Mizuki, who had taught nine of them at the Konoha academy.

 Gaara seemed to be controlling himself—probably confused by all the people who didn’t act like he’d murder them the second he could, even with his treatment of that kid from Waterfall. Naruto and Lee were being exceptionally chatty, Lee wishing to know if Gaara used taijutsu at all and Naruto wanting to know what Gaara’s favorite food was. Given the answers “not really” and “salted tongue and gizzard” the boys simply began telling him their own likes instead of backing off.

 “So, Temari, how long do you have to train to use a fan like that anyway?” Tenten asked. “My dad runs one of the main weapons shops here and I’ve never seen one like it, only smaller ones.”

 “A long time,” Temari said. “What about you?”

 “Well, I only really got into multi-weapons when I realized that I wasn’t good at any of the stuff my idol was,” Tenten said.

 “Who’s that?” Temari asked.

 “Tsunade of the Sannin, pretty much the strongest female ninja _ever_ ,” Tenten said, sighing. “And guess who _our_ medic is, ladies and gentlemen?”

 “Well, I’m not super-strong, if that helps,” Sasuke said dryly. “You know, I really like this new recipe for the shrimp ramen…anyways, Tenten, when’s your dad got time for fixing some windmill shuriken?”

 “I’d say in the next three days or so—he’s busy with my personal favorite,” Tenten said.

 “And what’s that?” Temari asked. Knowing what weapons the girl favored would be good.

 “A giant sword she’d going to try and slice me up with,” Naruto said. “But it won’t work!”

 “And your clone spam will?” Tenten mocked. “Besides, Kisame-senpai is giving me some serious ideas…”

 “Be afraid, Naruto,” Sakura teased.

 “So, where’d you learn to hit so hard?” Temari asked.

 “Anger management,” the pink-haired girl said. “Focus all my rage into my blows.”

 “You don’t seem all that angry…” Kankuro said.

 “I can make myself angry if I have to,” Sakura said sweetly. “Think of being insulted, being ignored, being bullied, that jerkass Gato-”

 “Okay, now you’re making me angry,” Sasuke huffed. “So, Gaara, hope you’re ready for some surprises during our match.”

 “Oh, I am,” Gaara said calmly. “Are you?” Temari and Kankuro worked not to flinch at his tone, which the Konoha genin seemed to not notice.

 “I’m on a team with Naruto and my older brother—nothing really surprises me anymore,” Sasuke said casually. “Except for Sakura actually calling someone a jerkass just now.”

 “Forgive me for hating an evil bastard,” Sakura drawled.

 “All right, enough talk of evil bastards,” Iruka said. “Let’s focus on something positive—what are some of your dreams?” he asked the Sand trio.

 “...Master puppeteer,” Kankuro said finally.

 “Wow—what sort of training does that take? I know Lee has years of conditioning and training ahead of him before he makes the rank of Taijutsu Master, and same with Naruto and seals,” Kiba said.

 Temari perked up. Seals? Maybe he could…maybe…

 No. She couldn’t ask, couldn’t give away what Gaara was, even if it might help him. They had their duty to Suna, to their father…

 “Forget Seal Master, I’m going to be Hokage!” Naruto said loudly.

 “Here we go,” Mizuki said, sipping his soup with a small smile.

 “I’m going to protect everyone!” Naruto declared. “The whole village will acknowledge me and I’ll keep them safe and be awesome and fair and nice!”

 “A nice kage…keep hoping,” Kankuro chuckled.

 “Naruto-kun would make a very nice Hokage,” Hinata said sternly. Neji put a hand to his forehead.

 “Only one nicer would be Iruka, and he doesn’t want the job,” Shikamaru said.

 “Hell, he won’t even try for jonin,” Sasuke added, smirking.

 “I may not be your teacher anymore kid, but I can make you pay,” Iruka warned calmly. “So, Baki-san, how do you like being a sensei?”

 “It is an…exciting experience,” Baki said. “Especially with such promising young genin.”

 “Well, you must be quite good for the Kazekage to trust you with all his children,” Iruka said.

 “To be fair, the Hokage trusts us with his grandson,” Mizuki said.

 “Mizuki, we’re the only ones who can _handle_ his grandson,” Iruka retorted.

 Temari glanced at Gaara, wondering if either chunin knew how close they were to being right about Baki’s real reason for leading them.

 Suddenly Gaara spoke up, “You wish…to be Hokage?”

 “Well, yeah!” Naruto said, before launching into another enthusiastic speech.

.o.o.o.

  _Twenty-three days until the finals_

 “Temari, Kankuro, answer something for me.”

 Kankuro swallowed, “Sure, Gaara. What?”

 “Why would Uzumaki wish to be Hokage…when many here treat him as I am treated?”

 “What?” Temari asked. “Were you at a different lunch than we were-”

 “Not his peers, nor his brothers,” Gaara said. “People…in the street. Store clerks. Random low ranking ninja.”

 “When did you see that?” Kankuro asked.

 “I have been following him. Mother was interested…there is something in him…I think he…is like me…only not,” Gaara said, frowning. “Why _not_?”

 “I-I really don’t know,” Kankuro said, glancing at Temari. What if Uzumaki really was like Gaara—they’d have to tell Baki, it could mess up the whole invasion! “Um…does it…bother you?”

 Gaara sighed, “He is treated like me, but he is not like me…he strives to prove his existence but not like I do…Mother senses something in him like in me…why?”

 “I-I don’t know,” Kankuro said, even though he had a sinking feeling that he did.

 “I’ll…see if I can get some intel out of his teammates,” Temari offered. “Maybe they know?”

 Gaara nodded stiffly. Kankuro sighed—he had a good idea of what the answer was already: Naruto had brothers that were there for him. Gaara had Yashamaru until…something happened. Maybe…maybe if he and Temari…had done something more…

 “Gaara…if you ever want to talk about it…I’ll listen,” he offered before heading to his room.

.o.o.o.

 “Your mother owns a nice shop,” Temari said, examining the decorative fans.

 “Glad I was able to help you find a place with what you were looking for,” Sakura replied. “Good thing we ran into each other when we did—I have training in an hour.”

 “Well, don’t let me keep you,” Temari said. “So…what’s the deal with your teammates? Neither of them really fits the idea of the average ninja…”

 “Well, Sasuke’s pretty much embraced his status as a ‘weird Uchiha’ by now, and Naruto…well, he’s always been really out of the box. Even before I knew him very well he was always ‘Hokage’ this and ‘ramen’ that,” Sakura laughed. “What about your brothers?”

 “Kankuro’s your average fourteen year old boy,” Temari said, rolling her eyes. “Though he’s apparently a prodigy with puppets—don’t quote me on that, I know next to nothing about puppets. And Gaara’s…quiet.”

 “Gaara reminds me of Kisame, only introverted,” Sakura said.

 “Who?” Temari asked.

 “Oh, our sensei’s best friend,” Sakura said. “He can be really brutal, but he’s also an awesome guy. I mean, you can separate the killer from the rest of you, you know?”

 “Oh…so, whose parents did the adopting with Naruto and his brothers, anyway?” Temari asked. “I mean, they all introduce themselves with different last names-”

 “Oh, they adopted each other,” Sakura said. “Iruka’s been there for Naruto since…I don’t know, age six? And then something when we were eight made Mizuki make them both move in with him and they’ve pretty much been brothers ever since.”

 “Oh,” Temari said. “Gaara used to live with our uncle. We really didn’t see much of him _until_ he was six, actually.”

.o.o.o.

 “So, Gaara had something happen involving an uncle, from what I can tell,” Sakura said the next day at lunch with about half the Twelve. “And Temari and probably Kankuro feel guilty because they see that Iruka and Mizuki love you even though you’re…you know, and they maybe weren’t there for Gaara when they should have been.”

 “I think we’ll need more than that,” Naruto sighed. “Shino, ideas?”

 “Kiba and I have convinced his mother to re-route his dog-walking by their hotel,” Shino said. “Likewise, I have a few of my allies around the area to alert me of irregularities.”

 “So…involving an uncle,” Ino mused. “…Naruto, you mentioned that thing with the ‘four eyed bastard’…what if instead of him, it had been Iruka?”

 “Ruka-nii’s never-”

 “No, _no_ , but what would that do to you?” Ino asked. “The mind is a delicate thing…what if Gaara’s was broken when he was six?”

 “Then we fix it before he’s thirteen,” Hinata declared.

 “Or get in trouble trying,” Sakura added.

.o.o.o.

 “So I was right, it is our fault,” Kankuro sighed.

 “Not just ours—whatever Yashamaru did just…shut Gaara down,” Temari said. “Kankuro…how much do you care about Gaara?”

 “…When he’s not trying to kill me? More than a little,” Kankuro admitted.

 “What if…we _use_ the Konoha genin to fix him?” Temari asked. “Or, I don’t know, make him happy at least… You guys are my brothers, and for him to just be…like that…”

 “Well, if that Naruto kid’s like Gaara and knows seals, he probably knows something about sealed demons, right?” Kankuro asked. “Maybe we could—no, then we’d have to admit that we know because of what Gaara is and that might set off alarms…”

 “There has to be something,” Temari said. “We just haven’t thought of it.”

.o.o.o.

  _Twenty days until the finals_

 “Oh, hey Gaara!” Naruto said brightly. Sasuke shifted slightly to gesture to an open stool at the ramen stand.

 “You all seem to eat here rather often,” Gaara said.

 “Naruto practically grew up on Ichihraku Ramen, and it’s where our team usually relaxes after training or missions,” Sakura said. “Though that sushi bar by the Hyuuga compound is nice when we want a change.”

 “I see…you…associate after missions?” Gaara asked.

 “Of course—we’re a team, and more importantly, we’re pals!” Naruto said.

 “And my brother is friends with his brothers so _we’ve_ been stuck together since we were kids,” Sasuke said. “The summer camp only made it tighter.”

 “I see,” Gaara said. He really didn’t. What _was_ a summer camp?

 “Do you know what you’d like?” the old man running the ramen stand asked.

 “Oh…whatever’s good,” Gaara said. He didn’t remember what he’d had last week.

 “Let’s go with miso, then,” the cook said.

 “So, Gaara, we have off tomorrow too—you and your siblings want to hang out? We could show you some of the cooler places around here,” Naruto offered. “I mean, there’s the hot springs, that cool grove on top of Hokage mountain, this awesome lake we used for summer camp-”

 Gaara frowned at the bowl that had been put in front of him. He should probably be training to go with the plan…but why? He hated Suna, and perhaps Naruto could give him the answers he wanted. “We will be there.”

.o.o.o.

 “Baki’s going to kill us,” Kankuro sighed.

 “I will shield you if he tries,” Gaara said flatly. “Come. We are to meet them at a large black rock in this direction.”

 “Thanks, Gaara,” Temari said. He’d never offered to protect one of them before…then again, he’d never had a weird idea they’d gone with before. “Oh, there they are!”

 Team 7 was standing around the rock, talking with a silver-haired man. Naruto looked up and waved, “Oh, hey, don’t mind Kakashi! He’s just telling Sasuke something for training and staring at the memorial stone!”

 Kakashi bopped him on the head. “Don’t tell people what jonin do with their own time.”

 Sasuke immediately looked right at the siblings, “My brother likes coming up with odd plans, Asuma smokes, Kurenai does tea ceremonies with Anko, Kisame hunts and fishes-”

 Kakashi bopped him too. “Sakura, don’t make me go for three. All right, you found the others, now scram.”

 “We’ll leave you to your moping,” Sakura said, replacing herself with a rock when Kakashi went to bop her. “Come on, we have to get some fun in! You got ANBU to go after us when we were in the _academy_!”

 “He did _what_?” Temari asked.

 “No big deal,” Sasuke said. “It was us ‘Rookie Nine’ and one other girl, and we beat them just fine…we should look Suri up, you know.”

 Kankuro gaped—other than Gaara, he couldn’t imagine an academy kid beating an ANBU. Naruto cheerfully agreed with Sasuke, and said they should try after the exams.

 “So it all worked out, now get lost,” Kakashi said sternly. “If you have to bother someone, bother Kisame.”

 “…We don’t know where he is,” Sasuke confessed. “He would have been our first choice, honest.”

 “Okay, let’s go before Kakashi shows us the Lightning Blade,” Naruto said, grabbing his teammates and dragging them over to the siblings. “I already saw it once, and that was enough.”

 “Saw what?” Sakura asked.

 “Powerful zappy technique,” Naruto said as they left. “Some guy tried to off my on my birthday two years ago and before my brothers could do anything, well…zap. Iruka couldn’t threaten Kakashi’s books for a full year because of that.”

 “I approve,” Sasuke said. “…And get to flambé the next jerk who tries anything.” Gaara stared at him in shock.

 “Get in line behind Ino, Chouji, all of Teams 8 and 4, me, Naruto’s brothers, and the Hokage,” Sakura said. “Maybe Shikamaru, if he’s awake.”

 “And Konohamaru,” Sasuke added, sighing. “Stupid ‘medic takes revenge last’ rule…”

 “Who?” Temari asked.

 “The kid Kankuro tried to throttle,” Sasuke said. “Don’t worry, he’s over it.”

 “Now—to the top of Hokage Mountain!” Naruto declared.

.o.o.o.

  _Three days until the finals_

 “I’m starting to think we can’t invade this place,” Temari said, head in her hands. “They’re getting to me.”

 Kankuro nodded weakly. “They…they haven’t done anything wrong and…well, come on, how much do you _really_ like home?”

 “Good move,” Gaara said. “I abandoned the plan a week ago. I’m staying here.”      

 “Okay, so…what could we do?” Temari asked. “I mean…confess? Hide out during the invasion and offer information after for amnesty?”

 “Or...” Kankuro said, shifting guiltily, “Or we aid them in the fight.”

 “Against the rest of Suna?” Temari asked.

 “Why are you so worried?” Gaara asked. “I know you two don’t have any friends, and really they just left us here with Baki and told us to do our jobs. I could see sparing Baki, mind you.”

 “We can’t,” Temari said. “We’ll just…no, we can’t turn against Suna. Not now.”

 “You have to, actually.”

 The three turned to see Team 7 on the terrace outside their room. Sasuke was frowning, “You have to go against Suna, or you’re going to die. And we don’t want you to die—we’re friends.”

 Temari and Kankuro watched as Gaara’s sand unlocked the sliding door and let them in.

 “Have to?” Temari asked.

 “Let me explain,” Sasuke said, sitting on the couch.


	27. Sasuke Explains

 “Okay, so, here’s the deal—we did _not_ know Suna was invading,” Sasuke said. “Thank you for giving us a heads up, we were just going to invite you to dinner. Now, as I said, you are our friends, so we wish for you to side with Konoha so you will not be killed.”

 “We also know Gaara’s a jinchurikki,” Sakura said.

 “What?” Kankuro asked.

 “Well, he clearly knows I’m one, and therefore that’s how I know he is,” Naruto said. “Also, um…Gaara? You might want to get your seal looked at. K-kun’s advice.”

 “Who?” Temari. “I mean…are you calling the _Kyuubi_ that?”

 “Yep,” Naruto said. “He thinks Shukaku’s being driven mad by being sealed wrong or-”

 “Shukaku?” Gaara asked. “You mean…Mother?”

 Team 7 looked at Temari and Kankuro, clearly unsure of what to say.

 “…It’s…not her…is it?” Gaara asked, before grabbing his head.

 Choking, murderous intent filled the room….but it wasn’t coming from Gaara.

 “ **You’re sick, you know that, Shukaku?** ” Naruto asked, his eyes bleeding red. “ **Pretending to be a kid’s mother to get what you want, I should give you a good thrashing! But I’ll play _nice_ if you let my host see that seal**.”

 “Okay, K-kun officially gives a shit,” Sasuke said.

 Gaara stood, seemingly paralyzed. “It was never her, was it?”

 “ **No** ,” Kyuubi said, still using Naruto as an apparently-willing megaphone. “ **It was my foolish little brother trying to push you, possibly gone mad himself.** ”

 Naruto shook his head as his eyes cleared, “Gaara…can I see your seal?”

 Gaara nodded numbly. “I should have known it wasn’t her…I should have…”

 Not knowing what else to do, Temari hugged Gaara. “I’m sorry…”

 “Me too,” Kankuro offered. “So, um…you and the Kyuubi get along?”

 “When we agree,” Naruto says. “But K-kun knows I run this show. Shut it, fox, it’s true.”

 “It’s always weird watching him argue with K-kun,” Sakura sighed. “Gaara, where’s your seal?”

 Gaara tilted his head forward, exposing the back of his neck, and channeled some chakra.

 “Whoa,” Naruto said. “That’s _bad_. I mean, I’m not the Fourth Hokage or anything, but that is an _odd_ point seal. You—to hold something where it doesn’t want to be, you _need_ an _even_ point seal—makes it stronger on the angles of confinement.”

 “It was _wrong from the start_?” Temari asked.

 “Yeah, or it got damaged,” Naruto said. “Looks like there’s definite wear on some bits…I should get Pervy Sage to have a look.”

 “Do I even want to ask who?” Kankuro sighed.

 “Seal master my mom made teach Naruto after she caught him peeping on the hot springs,” Sasuke said.

 “Your mom rocks,” Sakura said.

 “Okay, I can probably reinforce this a little at least—yes, K-kun, I know to make sure to separate the minds more, _thank you_ —okay there we…go,” Naruto said. “Should help a little with keeping him in line. He gets bad though, and I’ll bring nine tails to his one.”

 Gaara relaxed suddenly, “Mo…Sukaku is not being so loud…”

 “He knows not to tangle with K-kun, probably,” Sasuke said.

 “Okay, so, Gaara had a screwed-up seal…either of _you_ have a reason to like Suna?” Sakura asked Temari and Kankuro.

 “With what they did to my little brother?” Kankuro asked angrily. “I want to go hire your weird sensei to knock Dad a new one!”

 “What he said,” Temari snarled, fingers drumming on her fan.

 “So…now that I can ask…why do you want to be Hokage?” Gaara asked Naruto. “Why help this village?”

 Sasuke smiled. “Because he _is_ the future Hokage. Because there are people in Konoha who love Naruto, even if not everyone does. Because his brothers raised him here and loved him here, and all three of them had their parents die defending our village to the last. Because Mizuki and Iruka will always be there for him, and never let him give in to hopelessness.”

 “…Shit do I suck as a big brother or what?” Kankuro sighed.

 Gaara reached out, paused, and then hesitantly patted him on the shoulder.

 “So…we should betray Suna, huh?” Temari asked, folding her arms.

 “Yes,” Sasuke said. “Really, I don’t even know why your dad thought invading was a good plan. I mean, he seriously underestimated this village. There are people here that even Shukaku in full control of Gaara couldn’t stand against—hell, take Kisame, they even call him the Tailed Beast Without a Tail!”

 “Whoa,” Kankuro said, sitting down.

 “I can keep going,” Sasuke said. “My brother Itachi and cousin Shisui, the most impressive our clan’s had since Madara. Hatake Kakashi, copier of a thousand techniques. Jiriaya of the Sannin is here, so Orochimaru—who’s probably working with your dad from what I can guess—doesn’t have a chance in hell.”

 “We get it,” Temari said. “Our dad fucked up big time with the invasion plan!”

 “Wow, you didn’t even get to the Hokage,” Sakura said.

 “Why should I have to? The man’s the God of Shinobi, he can speak for himself,” Sasuke said.

 Kankuro groaned, “Guys, Dad screwed us all…”

 Gaara frowned, “This Pervy Sage…could he justify my existence?”

 “I hope not,” Sakura said, shuddering.

 “No,” Sasuke told the redhead. “And everyone you’ve killed—none of them have justified your existence. Only you can do that, justify yourself as I justify myself.”

 At Gaara’s look, Sasuke shrugged, “First Uchiha medic.”

 “Huh, thought you were a fire user,” Temari said.

 “Uchiha medic who likes fire,” Sasuke corrected.

 “Um…you okay there, Kankuro?” Naruto asked.

 “You all killed my worldview in around one month,” Kankuro replied. “ _Killed it_.”

  “Look, since we don’t have much time…meet us here,” Sakura said, scribbling down an address. “We’ll get the rest of the Twelve. It’s Lee’s place—we’ll make a plan.”

.o.o.o.

 “We’re making a plan with three of the people who were going to invade us?” Ino demanded as Shikamaru casually restrained Kiba, Chouji, and Neji from attacking the Sand Siblings.

 “Yes. Naruto just said that,” Sasuke said. “Hinata, I think you’re vice-president this month. Call to order?”

 “Oyez?” Hinata said, shrugging. “Neji-niisan, let it go…you need to be okay for the finals…we only have two days…”

 “She said OYEZ!” Sakura snapped. Everyone fell silent. “Thank you. Hinata, procedure, please.”

 “U-um, this meeting of the Konoha Twelve on the first of October w-will now convene…” Hinata said as everyone finally got the rowdier members under control. “Future-Hokage Naruto-kun presiding-”

 “Wait, it’s only September thirtieth!” Kiba said.

 “It has passed midnight, Kiba,” Shino said. “We now have exactly fifty nine hours before the finals.”

 “Shit, that sounds scary,” Kiba said. “So—you all want to invade, huh?”

 “No, _we_ don’t, and I’m pretty sure a fair share of Suna doesn’t either,” Temari said. “But orders are orders. If the Hokage said go attack us you’d have to.”

 “Well, since you’re invading us and all, I don’t think I’d mind,” Neji said.

 “Order in the—Lee, what room is this?” Naruto asked.

 “Den,” Lee said. “It is the closest to soundproof.”

 “Order in the den!” Naruto declared. “All right, the point of this meeting is these three are not joining the invasion, and therefore we need to plan on what we’re going to do for the finals!”

 “Why that of all things?” Ino asked. “We should plan for the invasion.”

 “Which is going to take place during the finals, right?” Shikamaru said.

 “Got it in one,” Temari said. “Around the time of Gaara and Sasuke’s match.”

 “Were there specific actions you were to take?” Shikamaru asked.

 “Kankuro was supposed to forfeit so he and Dosu didn’t waste energy, I was supposed to put on a good show, and Gaara was supposed to incapacitate Sasuke so the leader of Sound could kidnap him,” Temari said.

 “Needless to say, I am not doing that,” Gaara added.

 “Why would the leader of Sound want to kidnap you?” Naruto asked Sasuke. “I mean jeez, between him, the four-eyed bastard, and the snake bastard, we’ve got a lot to worry about…”

 “…I think the leader of Sound uses snakes,” Kankuro said. “He also looks a bit like a cross-dresser, from the one time I saw him-”

 “Orochimaru?” Sasuke asked, shuddering.

 “That’s the snake bastard!” Naruto yelled, shocked. “Oh man, Gaara was going to kidnap Sasuke for someone who perved over him!”

 “…Now I’m even less likely to do it than before,” Gaara said, shuddering.

 “You okay?” Sakura asked.

 “Shukaku decided to define perversion for me,” Gaara muttered. “Can you make K-kun shut him up again?”

 “Wait, wait…is he a…like you’re a…” Lee gestured at Naruto. “Oh my friend Gaara, how you must have suffered! We have heard of Naruto’s trials and yours seem to have been far worse!”

 He hugged Gaara, who awkwardly patted him on the head and looked at Temari in confusion. He knew a Sand Coffin was not the proper way to remove Lee, but he didn’t know what _was_ either. She shrugged.

 “I thought Naruto told everyone he thought Gaara might be like him,” Ino said.

 “This is _Lee_ ,” Tenten said. “And he’s been training with Gai-sensei and Kisame-senpai all month—he’s probably gotten some head trauma somewhere along the way…”

 “Okay, okay, let me lay things out,” Sasuke said. “There is an invasion on the day of the finals. Therefore, we need a plan for what to do during the finals, but not a plan that actively rigs matches so none of us make chunin. We also need to account for Dosu, deal with the siblings’ sensei, and alert the Hokage.”

 “Sasuke, please,” Ino said. “If we, a bunch of genin found out about the invasion, don’t you think the Hokage has, too?”

 “Maybe that’s why the Academy’s not being let out for the finals!” Chouji said. “To protect the students!”

 “Still, the general shinobi population must not have been informed, or else you three would have been thrown out or dragged off to see Ibiki,” Shikamaru said. “Therefore, I think that while the Hokage has intelligence regard the plans for the invasion, they are not certain and only the necessary people have been alerted…Temari, what would you say is the strength of the invading force?”

 “Two-thirds of Suna’s shinobi, all of Oto’s,” Temari said. “Suna’s about…three quarters the size of Konoha, but our shinobi population is about equal. Oto…I don’t know they exact numbers, but I’d wager around the size of Waterfall’s forces since they have next to no civilians.”

 “Then who hires them?” Ino asked.

 “When you look at it…Sound might just be the leader’s personal army,” Temari said. “I don’t personally know of any mission any of their ninja have ever taken.”

“I see. Then they will be very prepared for this,” Shikamaru said. “From your descriptions, we will be facing a force only just under that of all active Konoha shinobi…”

 “Temari—how much were they relying on surprise?” Sasuke asked suddenly.

 “A lot,” Temari said. “I think the main plan was to rush all fronts at once and just overwhelm everyone…”

 “Then our best bet is to merely ruin the surprise, right?” Sasuke asked.

 “Well, yeah, but we can’t just yell ‘by the way, invasion!’ at the start of the finals!” Sakura said.

 “No, no, if we throw them off too much they may get desperate, and then we’ll be in trouble. We want them secure until we can strike...” Shikamaru said.

 “If Gaara’s and my match is around the striking point, why not use that?” Sasuke asked.

 “I see where you’re going, but explain for the class,” Shikamaru said.

 “Lazy bum,” Termari huffed.

 Sasuke took a deep breath, “If we do as much set up as possible, and figure out our targets while in the box and stands, we can react with the best clarity. Remember, Suna’s probably doing this because they have no money-”

 “Hey!” Kankuro said.

 “Sorry, my best friend’s brothers do a lot of village paperwork, they notice things, yadda-yadda,” Sasuke said. “So, anyway, the Suna fighters might be less committed, except for those with extreme loyalty to the kage. Since his own kids don’t fit that bill, I don’t think we have too much to worry about on that front. Temari, Gaara, Kankuro, are you sure that’s all the people involved?”

 “Dad was going to try and hire some mercenaries, I don’t know if he did or not,” Kankuro said. “We were just told to let Gaara go crazy and capture you while he killed people. Very need-to-know-basis.”

 “I love being so loved,” Sasuke huffed.

 “You’re his kids and he’s sending you into an invasion. I think you _needed_ to _know_ a little more,” Shikamaru added.

 “We know. Uchiha already lectured us,” Kankuro said.

 “So…we have two days to prep ourselves and come up with any holes the Hokage and the other higher-ups might have missed,” Naruto said. “I open the floor to discussions.”

.o.o.o.

_The night before the finals_

 “What are you doing?” Baki asked.

 “Chakra control. For my sand-body-flicker,” Gaara said. “Temari gathered intelligence and showed that the Uchiha is quite fast and knows a ninjutsu technique that may pierce my sand. I wish to be ready for him.”

 “I see…and you?” Baki asked Kankuro.

 “I’m sitting upside down on the couch watching him. What’s it look like?” Kankuro asked. “Crow’s all ready to go, so I’m good. Temari decided to try and make dinner—if the kitchen burns down, that’s why.”

 “You seem quite calm, given what will happen tomorrow,” Baki said.

 “That’s _why_ I’m calm,” Kankuro said. “Gaara won’t be directing his love of blood at me!”

 “I see,” Baki said. “Oh god, burned squid—Temari! Let me finish dinner!” He turned to go into the kitchen, clearly exasperated, when a hard sphere of sand struck him in the head.

 “Sorry, sensei, I lied,” Kankuro said. “Okay, I’ll do the note, you get him nice and bound.”

 “Got it,” Gaara said.

 “Temari! You can stop burning the squid now!” Kankuro called.

 “Yeah, if I could I would!” his sister replied.

 “Throw it out, we’ll go to Ichiraku then,” Kankuro sighed.

.o.o.o.

 “I feel so guilty! Should we not have said something?” Lee sighed.

 “Hey, if the Hokage didn’t tell our teachers, then he didn’t want them to know, right?” Tenten said.

 “You’re telling yourself that so you don’t run to Kisame’s house and confess, huh?” Neji asked.

 “Shut up.”

.o.o.o.

 “Your dad needs to stop giving us funny looks—we’re not into you like that!” Sasuke huffed as he and Naruto unrolled their sleeping bags in the Haruno’s den.

 “I’m his little girl, give him a break,” Sakura said. “So…tomorrow’s a bigger day than expected, huh?”

 “We’ll be fine. Remember the Will of Fire,” Naruto said. “And Sasuke’s and Hinata and Neji’s clans’ butt-kicking abilities.”

 “You need a head examination,” Sasuke huffed.

 “I know, I’m suffering from Itachi-exposure!” Naruto said dramatically. “On the other hand, I know how to make my clones explode now…”

 “K-kun must love that.”

 “He does—no, no, don’t wake up, I’m about to go to bed!” Naruto said quickly.

 “Night Naruto. Night Sasuke. Night K-kun,” Sakura said, settling on the couch.

 “Night everyone I can mention,” Sasuke said, flopping down.

.o.o.o.

 “Good morning chunin exams!” Naruto cheered.

 ‘ **And let what is sure to be a long and fun to watch day begin** ,’ Kyuubi added.

 


	28. Fantastically Odd Finals

  “Gaara! Did you and Shukaku-kun sleep well?” Lee asked as he jogged into the competitors’ box.

 Gaara heard Shukaku grumble at being addressed so informally, but told him to cut it out since after all, Kyuubi was just fine with ‘K-kun’ which was even more informal-sounding. “We are rested. I do not sleep, however.”

 “That is most troubling…” Lee said. “Does Naruto think it has to do with your seal?”

 “Yeah. We’re going to have some ‘Perverted Sage’ who’s a Seal Master look at it after today,” Temari said.

 “Such an odd title for a sage,” Lee mused. “And you, Temari and Kankuro? Well rested?”

 “Yep,” Kankuro said, hoping someone else got to the box soon. He could _not_ spend all day talking to this guy…

 “Ah, I see we are fifth and sixth to arrive, Hinata.”

 Though the guy who’d tried to Jyuuken him in the stomach a couple days ago wasn’t much better… “Hey. It’s Hinata and…Neji, right?”

 “Correct,” Neji said. “Tenten said she might be a bit late. She and Kisame are making sure Kubikiribocho is sealed properly.”

 “I supposed we s-should go over what we can before Dosu shows up?” Hinata asked.

 “Right,” Temari said. “Kankuro’s going to poison him. Nothing major, but it will leave him out for a long while. We thought your Ibiki guy might want him later.”

 “Good. How will you deal with his Melody Arm?” Neji asked Kankuro.

 “Decided I’ll just not make chunin and have Gaara help me cheat. You’ll see,” Kankuro promised.

 Team 7 jogged in. Sakura hissed, “Dosu’s right behind us! Act natural!”

 Lee and Gaara quickly dropped their conversation, and Gaara folded his arms and glared out at the arena. Temari moved away from Hinata and Neji, pretending to inspect her fan.

 Kankuro and Naruto started an insult war, making sure Dosu heard them as he came in. “Want to say that again, makeup boy?”

 “I don’t know, shorty, what do you think?”

 “I think you’re going to get your ass kicked today!”

 “Oh, and _you_ have a chance, you walking traffic cone?”

 Sasuke had to work hard not to laugh as Dosu asked the two to be quiet, shooting Kankuro a meaningful look. Kankuro pretended to look apologetic, just to be safe.

 Finally Tenten arrived, dragging Shikamaru. “Ino had me make sure he got up here.”

 “Why is every girl I know so troublesome?” Shikamaru asked.

 “Maybe it’s fate,” Neji said dryly.

 “Neji, we talked about the ‘fate’ thing,” Sakura said.

 “…I really can’t tell a joke, huh?” Neji asked quietly. Tenten patted him on the shoulder.

 “You Leafs are pathetic,” Dosu huffed.

 “Says the only Sound who made it,” Shikamaru returned. “Come on, let’s stop this banter it’s so-”

 “Say ‘troublesome’ and our match starts early,” Temari warned.

 “Actually I was going to say annoying and loud,” Shikamaru replied.

 “Looks like Genma’s finishing up the opening announcements,” Naruto said. “How does he keep that senbon in his mouth when he talks, anyway?”

 “So…everyone ready?” Hinata asked nervously.

 “Yes! I can see our fires of youth burn brightly!” Lee cheered.

 Sakura and Neji saw some tiny grains of sand heading over to the distracted-by-Lee Dosu.

 Genma announced the first match, “Hyuuga Neji vs. Rock Lee!”

 “Give it our all?” Lee asked.

 “Shock them out of their seats,” Neji agreed quietly as they walked down the wall. “Remember the plan—we have to make this _amazing_. Excited ninja are alert ninja.”

 “Ladies and gentlemen, get ready for Konoha’s most intensive taijutsu matchup ever!” Naruto cheered.

 Gaara had to agree with his proclamation. Lee and Neji had instantly begun a fight that could only be described with the word ‘intense.’ Lee was faster, but Neji could deflect him with some move called the Kaiten. The sheer amounts of speed, strength, and reflexes displayed were frankly amazing.

 More importantly for The Plan, it was _interesting_. The crowd was hooked…and so was Dosu.

 Gaara slid more sand into the Melody Arm as Dosu observed both fighters, probably not knowing when the invasion was to start and seeing either as a potential opponent.

 Lee caught Neji with a kick. Neji retaliated by disabling part of an arm. The ground of the arena was taking quite a bit of damage from the boys getting flung around so hard.

 “Lee’s getting more and more shut down,” Tenten mused.

 “But Neji-niisan is getting tired,” Hinata replied.

 “Down to the wire, then,” Sasuke said. “The bettors must be biting their nails.”

 More sand trickled into the Melody Arm. Gaara just hoped it was enough. He elbowed Kankuro lightly. Kankuro nodded.

 Lee released two chakra gates. Neji prepared the sixty-four-palm strike. The crowd was at the edge of their seats.

 The boys collided. Lee’s power cracked ribs and arms, while Neji’s precision disabled Lee’s best abilities along with many muscles.

 As the dust cleared, both of them collapsed. The crowd gasped. Tenten slapped a hand to her forehead. Temari and Shikamaru shared a dry look.

 Genma waited for a moment. Neither boy moved. “Tie!”

 “Now they’ll be worse rivals than _ever_ ,” Tenten sighed. Hinata and Sakura comforted her.

 “Match two—Kinta Dosu vs. Kankuro!”

 “Why don’t we have a last name listed?” Gaara asked Temari.

 “So no one knows who our dad is?” Temari guessed.

 “But…everyone knows that you’re his kids,” Sakura said.

 “Maybe the Kazekage doesn’t have a last name. Tsubaki-neechan doesn’t,” Naruto said. “I mean…do you all know your last name?”

 Temari frowned, “No. No I don’t, actually.”

 “Oh well, it’s not that important,” Gaara said.

 Down below, Kankuro readied Crow, Dosu eyeing him warily. This would be the first thing that could signal to their dad they might be going off-script, after all, since he wasn’t forfeiting.

 Kankuro took a deep breath, trusted Gaara, and at Genma’s order he let Crow rush forward at Dosu, who backed up.

 Dosu raised the Melody Arm and Kankuro grimaced, knowing the boy was going for a knockout so as to stick close to the plan…only for the device to screech and then fall silent, the inner-working jammed by sand.

 Kankuro smirked. Success. He quickly detached two of Crow’s arms, their hidden blades coated with the poison.

 He caught Dosu before the boy could call him a traitor or notice anything had gone to hell. His opponent collapsed, twitching.

 “Proctor?” Kankuro asked pleasantly.

 “Winner—Kankuro!” Genma declared.

 Kankuro headed back for the box. ‘Nice job, little brother…’

.o.o.o.

 The Kazekage frowned. Why attack Dosu, especially so harshly? Had he and Kankuro developed some sort of enmity during their stay? After all, Kankuro should have forfeited, as to not give away any poisons he was going to use…

 “Your son works quickly,” the Hokage noted. “Very efficient. A good quality in a shinobi.”

 “Yes,” the Kazekage agreed slowly. He and the old Hokage had traded some veiled insults when he’d arrived, but that compliment had seemed…genuine. Such a sentimental old man.

.o.o.o.

 Kankuro lightly tousled Gaara’s hair when he reached the box, “He’ll be out for six hours, minimum.”

 “Good,” Sakura said. “Shikamaru, Temari, your turn.”

 “Time to see who the real strategist is,” Temari said, before hopping off the balcony and riding down on her fan. Shikamaru just sighed and walked down the wall to face her.

 “Okay, they said they’re going to drag it out, battle of the brains as it were,” Sakura said. “So, here’s our big time-buy for final planning. Is everyone ready for the _real_ fight?”

 “My medical kit is fully stocked, I’ve learned an A-rank attack, and I am carrying all major antidotes in my arm warmers,” Sasuke said.

 “Clones to spare, energy to burn, any explosives that don’t get used on Tenten, and a tenant willing to help kick ass,” Naruto said.

 “Sand to spare and a tenant willing to help if it nets some blood,” Gaara said. “Also, I am carrying extra kunai in case anyone runs out.”

 “More weapons than any of you have ever seen in one place, including Kubikiribocho, which will be used on Naruto’s clones first,” Tenten said.

 “I’ll have Crow’s new secrets done in a few minutes,” Kankuro said, pulling out a small tool kit. “And like Sasuke, I’ve got antidotes. Unlike Sasuke, I have poisons too.”

 “I am ready,” Hinata said.

 “And so am I,” Sakura said. “Well, let’s see our strategy masters go at it!”

.o.o.o

 “Neji.”

 Neji managed to sit up, slightly wining at the strain on his recently-healed ribs. “Hiashi-sama…how…err, unexpected…”

 “Neji, we need to talk,” Hiashi said, sitting down. “Did Hinata show you either of those advanced techniques?”

 “No. I reverse-engineered them both,” Neji said. “Though she may have picked up the Kaiten…”

 “You truly are something special,” Hiashi said, chuckling. “My brother would be so proud of you.”

 Neji stiffened a bit. “Um, thank you.”

 “Neji…I want to tell you the truth…it was not ordered that your father sacrifice himself,” Hiashi said. “He wanted me to keep it from you until you were old enough to understand...our father wanted him to, but I forbid anyone to force him to do it. Neji…my brother chose to do so, as his own way of freeing himself from the cage of the Branch House. I’m sorry I did not tell you sooner, but I did not know if you were ready.”

 “What?” Neji whispered.

 “Hizashi may have been bitter on your behalf—it would have been hard not to be, in his shoes, knowing how strong you are and yet that you would be denied the teachings of the Main House—but he would do anything for family. The Caged Bird Seal would stop Cloud from getting his eyes, after all,” Hiashi said. “Neji…I know this is a lot to take in, but all I can ask is for your forgiveness.”

 “Oh…I…I forgive you, Hiashi-sama,” Neji said, still trying to believe it.

 “Thank you,” Hiashi said, smiling. “And don’t worry. I’ll make sure you don’t get in trouble with the elders. Our clan has been divided for far too long.”

 “As you say, Hiashi-sama.”

 “Neji…would you mind calling me Uncle? I’d really rather you did,” Hiashi said as he got up to leave. “Well, Hinata’s match should hopefully be starting soon. That girl from Suna and Shikaku’s boy are having one hell of a strategy-based back and forth, but it’s rather dull, really.”

 “Very well. I should be out of here soon…Uncle,” Neji said.

 Hiashi smiled and walked out.

.o.o.o.

 “Temari gets out of range, finds out Shikamaru secretly has her in range, gets out of range, finds out she’s actually in range—I’m losing my mind up here!” Kankuro groaned.

 “Sasuke, can you use your Sharingan and see if either of them is low on chakra?” Naruto asked.

 Sasuke nodded, activating his eyes.

 “Wait…one has two little dots and the other has three,” Gaara said, peering at his eyes.

 “They can be trained individually,” Sasuke said. “And…Shikamaru and Temari are both around half-chakra capacity, by my guess. That was supposed to be where one of them tried to end it, right?”

 “Right. We don’t need them worn out for the you-know-what,” Sakura said.

 “Wait, wait, that’s one of Temari’s finishing moves—shit he got her,” Kankuro said.

 “Wow, half an hour and they’re only at half chakra,” Sakura said.

 Shikamaru walked Temari to the center of the ring, raised both their hands…and announced he forfeited.

 “Pay me,” Naruto said. “Shikamaru technically won but gave up. I win.”

 Sakura, Sasuke, Tenten, and Kankuro handed him money.

 “Good thing we were too smart to gamble with Naruto,” Hinata told Gaara.

 Gaara shrugged. He hadn’t had money to game with.

 Down in the stadium, Temari slapped Shikamaru and they both headed back up the wall.

.o.o.o.

 “Such an…interesting display,” Sarutobi chuckled.

 The Kazekage was getting edgy—perhaps he had thought the finals would not last so long? Sarutobi kept an eye on him. “Anyhow, your daughter must be quite the strategist. Many jonin have been amazed at Shikamaru’s plotting abilities.”

 “Yes,” the Kazekage said. “But such a shameful win…”

 “That’s just Shikamaru for you, he probably thinks having to fight more than once today to be too much trouble,” Sarutobi said lightly.

 “Yes, the next round should be interesting, with so many genin tired.”

 “Oh, no, we have excellent medics,” Sarutobi said. “Why, if Lee or Neji had won either of them would be ready to fight quite soon, I’d imagine.”

 “I see. Pity we shan’t see more of their exploits,” the Kazekage said.

 “Yes, pity,” Sarutobi replied. While he was getting more and more certain that the Kazekage indeed had something planned, it was becoming rather clear to him that so did Naruto and the Kazekage’s children…

 He just hoped things could work out…especially if the invasion intelligence proved true.

.o.o.o.

 “Not much longer now,” the Sound ninja said. “We summon the snakes on Kabuto’s signal.”

 High in the stands, Yakushi Kabuto waited, a small, cold smirk on his face. The second Sasuke was secure, Konoha would burn.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah, I never could resist lampshading the sandsibs lack of a last name...
> 
> When I was first writing these bits years ago, Gaara and Lee's interactions were some of my favorite things. Putting in a bit more of that has been helping a lot as I try to press on in getting this thing finished. Like, I have such a scene planned for Lee, Gaara, Shukaku, and Deidara. 
> 
> The hardest part of reworking the stuff past where I am on ff.net is honestly I over-ignored some of the best darn parts of the war arc in favor of expediency (I skipped the Second Mizukage. How on earth did I think leaving that man out of a comedy was okay?!?) and that actually weakened the villains too much and we're talking the team with will have Nagato, Obito, Kabuto, and Madara at the same damned time so you see how I goofed. At the same time I'm trying to reign in all four of them because let's face it they are all too damn OP in general by the time they're fought in canon. Like Madara did not even need to be an undying zombie to be OP when that should be the biggest reason he is OP (in fact he and Harashima broke one of my fav themes of the series, of the new generation surpassing the old, which I hope to recapture in this fic). Kabuto had to be taken out by an asspull from Itachi. Obito and Nagato I can at least keep a little more within reason with minimal effort since it's just tweaks but Madara and Kabuto need some work. 
> 
> I also forgot to address that some of Sound is deeply, personally loyal to Orochimaru. Yeah we've got a bone boy who's gonna need to show, I think. Still working at it.


	29. How the Sand Siblings Screwed the Invasion

“Good work,” Gaara said.

 “Thanks. You really had me, Leaf bastard,” Temari said.

 “Nah, you did fine, troublesome Sand woman,” Shikamaru said. “Besides, I need to save my chakra, and so do you.”

 “Sakura, Hinata, you’re up,” Sasuke said. “Remember, _keep the crowd energetic_.”

 “Mostly-taijutsu battle?” Sakura asked.

 “With ninjutsu thrown in?” Hinata agreed sweetly.

 “Let’s do this!” Sakura declared, hopping down the wall.

 “Okay, since Dosu will be out for hours, I’ll go get Neji and Lee,” Shikamaru said. “Until I’m back, if something happens Temari heads strategy, Naruto leads under chaos.”

 “Under chaos?” Kankuro asked.

 “You’d be shocked what can go wrong around here,” Sasuke said. “We _need_ the future Hokage in charge.”

 “Why do you all call him that, anyway? I mean, Naruto, are you the official successor?” Kankuro asked.

 “No, but I _will_ be,” Naruto said.

 “You know, when they say ‘crazy enough to work’ I think the crazy comes from this town,” Kankuro sighed.

 “No wonder we like you and your siblings!” Naruto said brightly.

 “Shukaku likes it here,” Gaara added. “But I think that’s because he wants to annoy K-kun…or he’s warming up to Lee being nice to him…”

 “Shh, the match is starting,” Temari said. “Act like this is the only thing happening today, people!”

.o.o.o.

 Sakura and Hinata continued to go for each other, throwing in ninjutsu so it wasn’t a Lee vs. Neji repeat that bored the crowd. Hinata worked with some low-level earth techniques and Sakura used wires and fire to put on one hell of a show.

 “This is fun,” Sakura said, tying Hinata’s hands with a wire and kicking the other girl in the gut.

 “It is a bit enjoyable,” Hinata admitted, twisting free and striking a chakra point in her shoulder.

 “A real way to get the stress out,” Sakura said. “Great Fireball.”

 Hinata narrowed her eyes, held out her palms, and whipped on her heel. “Kaiten!”

.o.o.o.

 Up in the stands, Hyuuga Hanabi was not acting much like a Main House member at the moment, jumping up and down in her seat cheering “she did it!” over and over as Hinata’s technique dispersed the flames.

 Hiashi pointedly ignored the looks the elders were giving him and did not make Hanabi stop—he was too busy internally chucking from hearing Kurenai wildly cheer “That’s my girl!” from the jonin section.

.o.o.o.

 “Nice, you finally got it down,” Sakura said.

 “Neji-niisan practiced with me a lot,” Hinata said. “I got it from watching him.”

 “Wait—tell me something?” Sakura asked, nearly catching her in wire. “You got the move from Neji, who had to reverse-engineer it to learn it, when instead _you_ could have found out how to do it and just told him?”

 “That I did,” Hinata agreed. “You’ll find logic doesn’t always dictate how Hyuuga learn their techniques. Why else would we deny around eighty percent of the clan to directly learn anything above the norm?”

.o.o.o.

 “Neji, you just missed it!” Naruto yelled as Shikamaru led the taijutsu users back to the box. “Hinata used the kaiten!”

 “Naturally,” Neji said. “She is quite powerful when she knows who she’s fighting for.” He tried to give Naruto a meaningful look, but the blonde missed it.

 “Well, at least you didn’t make a fate reference that time,” Sasuke laughed.

 “Shh, it’s almost over!” Kankuro said. “Wait…is that a _squirrel_?”

 “Ace in the hole,” Sasuke said. “Hinata can see Cappy coming, but he’s not a fully-trained ninja-animal and thus doesn’t use chakra, meaning she has to go mostly for limb strikes or kill him, and she’s too nice to kill him.”

 “Hit _those_ tiny limbs?” Temari asked.

 “You can see where the difficulty comes in,” Naruto chuckled. “One time during sparring Sakura actually sent Cappy down my shirt….erg…”

 “I think—no, wait, Hinata pulled a substitution…damn, still a decent crater, though,” Sasuke said.

 “She’ll be giving Tsunade a run for her money any day now,” Tenten said, grinning.

 “I love Leaf girls,” Temari sighed. “We need more like you in Suna…Kankuro, Gaara, if we ever go back there, we’re training some badass kunoichi, got it?”

 “Yes ma’am,” Kankuro sighed.

 “I…do not think many in Suna would like being trained by me,” Gaara admitted.

 “But Gaara, you are an amazing shinobi!” Lee protested. “They would be most lucky to receive _your_ tutelage!”

 Gaara just stared at him and decided not to try and explain long-lasting prejudice and fear to someone like Lee. “I see.”

 “At this rate Sakura’s going to—ooh, nice hit by Hinata again…jeez, who do you think will win?” Kankuro asked Neji.

 “It is hard to say. Sakura knows not to waste chakra with genjutsu, or at least vision-techniques which most genjutsu at her level are are, and she is now hitting hard enough to where Hinata risks finishing injury from a single blow. There is also the squirrel to factor in,” Neji mused. “On the other hand, if Hinata can keep her kaiten going and shut down enough major chakra pathways, Sakura may have to concede—or if one of her earth techniques hits, but I’m not sure if that should be bet on as she seems to have stopped using them.”

 “Why’s Hinata shaking her head like that?” Naruto asked.

 “I would assume your teammate was intelligent enough to use a sound-based genjutsu,” Neji replied. “Hinata clearly knows it’s not real and is trying to clear her head without having to pause to release the technique, which would give Sakura an opening.”

 “Looks like Cappy’s about to give her one anyway—ouch,” Shikamaru said. “Sasuke, you can fix bruised ribs by now right?”

 “And broken ones. I know I heard a crack,” Sasuke said.

 Hinata coughed up a little blood and went to stand, only for Sakura to bind her with wire.

 “Can she get out of that?” Lee asked Neji.

 “I’m not sure…no, she’s forfeited,” Neji said. “Still, an excellent show from Hinata—it should get some council members off Hiashi-sa… _Uncle’s_ back.”

 “We’re next,” Naruto told Tenten.

 “I’m expecting fireworks, blondie,” she replied, hopping the wall as Sakura helped Hinata back up to the box.

 Sasuke quickly sat Hinata and Sakura down to run diagnostics. “Sakura, get a soldier pill in you—thank you, Shikamaru—and stretch out any fatigued muscles. Try to meditate to reopen chakra points too. Hinata, you have two cracked ribs and a near-broken one, can you get your jacket off so I can fix those?”

 “I’m watching you,” Neji warned.

 “ _Relax_ , I can do it through her shirt,” Sasuke said. “Now, you may feel a slight twinge…”

.o.o.o.

 “You ready?” Hayate asked Naruto and Tenten.

 “Yes,” the both replied.

 “Good—begin!”

 “Shadow Clone!”

 “Twin Rising Dragons!”

.o.o.o.

 Baki struggled against the sand, re-reading the note in front of him. The kids had ambushed him, and now he couldn’t warn anyone that they were going to betray Suna…but he had two options.

  _Baki-sensei, we thank you for your hard work in keeping us in line. We know we’ve put some gray hairs on your head from that—sorry. Now, we’re going to help Konoha, because Dad is an idiot and quite frankly, we don’t want to die for something stupid and we hope our new plan will lead to Suna being given some amnesty—if Dad abdicates that is, otherwise, no way in hell are we going back or asking for nice terms._

_We’re giving you two choices, as the sand will drop you the second we reveal the invasion. One, you fight with Suna—we will ask for leniency for you, but cannot guarantee it. The second is that you go to the Konoha Academy and ask to surrender yourself to Umino Iruka and Su Mizuki, in which case you will probably be paroled and allowed to go back to Suna to fix the mess Dad made._

_Your students, Temari, Kankuro, and Gaara_

 He weighed them in his head—the chance for amnesty could be better for Suna overall, since frankly the Fourth had made some bad decisions lately…on the other hand, traitors did not suffer well…but was it truly a betrayal? His students clearly didn’t think so…

.o.o.o.

 Tenten ripped apart Naruto’s clone rush, even as more and more took their place.

 “Sure you got this?” Naruto asked, safely hidden in his personal army.

 “Are you?” she asked, still throwing. Time for plan B: “Water Fang Bullet!”

 The burst of water crashed into the clones as Tenten dropped to the ground and unsealed Kubikiribocho from a scroll on her belt. She rushed into the clones, quickly cutting them down.

 “Somebody’s been getting lessons from Kisame! Uzumaki Crimson Explosion!”

 Tenten substituted herself with one of Naruto’s clones and kept slashing away.

.o.o.o.

 “You know, we really should substitute with his clones more in fights,” Sakura commented. “I mean, why haven’t we thought of it, anyway?”

 “Busy,” Sasuke said. “Okay…this rib’s going to be a bit tricky, Neji, help her keep her back straight…oh, sand chair, nice idea Gaara.”

 Gaara nodded and went back to finding out about the joys of being taught by Gai-sensei.

 “Hinata, what did Sakura’s genjutsu do, anyway?” Neji asked.

 Hinata blushed, “It was yelling ‘Hi Hinata-chan!’ over and over in Naruto-kun’s voice…”

 Neji turned to Sakura, “You are pure evil.”

 “Shukaku wishes to welcome you to the club,” Gaara said.

 “But Shukaku-kun does not seem much like pure evil…” Lee mused.

 “Oh, wait. He says he was being facetious and you and I need better social skills,” Gaara said, frowning. “I think I liked him _better_ when he was yelling for blood all the time…”

.o.o.o.

 “I can’t believe we’re teaching today…” Iruka sighed.

 “Don’t worry. Tsubaki’s getting it on video,” Mizuki hissed back.

 “How? Video equipment is so expensive…” Iruka said.

 “She told the Hokage Naruto’s big brothers would miss his fight and we aren’t allowed to play it on the radio after that one kid told his mom about Gaara’s match, so he pitied us,” Mizuki said. “Maybe it’s a thank-you for you-know-what—Konohamaru! Eyes on your book!”

 “I wanna watch it with you!” Konohamaru yelled. “I want to see Naruto-niichan make chunin too!”

 “Fine, anyone who gets one-hundred percent at the pop-quiz I’m giving on today’s chapter can watch it after school tomorrow,” Iruka said.

 “…Okay, I know he’s never studied that hard before,” Mizuki said as Konohamaru all-but dove into his textbook. “You sure know how to get what you want out of kids...”

.o.o.o.

 “This is a very good matchup,” Mikoto said. “It allows both of them to show off the majority of their skills without it just being showing off, since Naruto needs his clones and explosives to get away from Tenten’s weapons, and she needs her weapons and giant sword to get through his clones and explosives.”

 “Tell me about it,” Itachi said. “Tsubaki, are you sure you don’t want a break from holding the camera?”

 “Nah, I’m good!” Tsubaki said. “Go pay attention to your girlfriend or something.”

 Itachi shrugged and looked at Noriko, “Do you…need paying attention to?”

 “I’m fine,” Noriko said, stealing a sip of his drink from where she was leaning on his side. “You’re the one who taught him explosive Shadow Clones, right?”

 “I thought it would be good against Tenten, especially since I knew she’d be using that giant sword,” Itachi said.

 “Nice. So, pleased with my training of Sakura?”

 “Well, she definitely has gotten her chakra reserves up, and it had to be either you or Inuzuka Hana who got her to use the squirrel like that…”

 “Me. Hana’s dogs kept trying to eat him,” Noriko said. “She did give Sakura some good tips for getting around the Jyuuken, though—Kiba chats about his team’s sparring a _lot_.”

 “Loose lips,” Itachi chuckled.

.o.o.o.

 The match began to wind down, and finally three of Naruto’s clones grabbed Kubikiribocho.

 “Let go you—damn,” Tenten sighed as the real Naruto tied her legs together with an entire explosive scroll. “Okay, I know better than to ask what _that_ does. I give!”

 “Winner—Uzumaki Naruto!” Genma announced.

.o.o.o.

 “Go Naruto!” Itachi called.

 “And that, Mizuki, Iruka, is how your darling little brother won his first round match,” Tsubaki narrated for the camera before turning it off. “So, it’s Sasuke and that Gaara kid next, right?”

 “Right,” Itachi said. “I just hope Sasuke’s ready for this. If the Chidori really can’t break that sand he’ll have no choice but to forfeit…”

 “It’s just a bad matchup, Itachi,” Noriko said. “Everybody gets a few in their lives. Hey—if he does overcome it, he’s a shoo-in for chunin!”

.o.o.o.

 “Phase two complete,” Naruto murmured, jogging back up the wall and into the box.

 “Exactly,” Temari said. “Lee and Neji hyped the crowd, Gaara disabled Dosu for Kankuro so he could take him out, Shikamaru’s and my match bought time for final planning, Sakura and Hinata kept the crowd’s energy up, and then Tenten and you did too, and now we just wait for Gaara’s signal.”

 “This is working out really well,” Shikamaru noted. “We just have to keep it believable until the very last second…"

.o.o.o.

 Sasuke activated his Sharingan as Gaara’s sand spilled from his gourd. “Are you ready for this?”

 “More than you know,” Gaara replied.

 Sasuke channeled the lightning chakra down his arm, the Chidori forming in his hand. Up in the stands, Itachi breathed a sigh of relief.

 “This should be interesting,” Sarutobi said.

 The Kazekage was very tempted to echo his youngest’s words when Sasuke moved.

 Sasuke charged at Gaara with the Chidori, and Gaara’s sand shot…skyward?

 Sarutobi’s eyes widened as Sasuke stopped short, the Chidori still chirping at his side.

 Gaara’s floating sand had formed words.

  _Attention: Suna and Oto are about to invade you. My siblings and I side with the Leaf. Please show Baki-sensei leniency if possible. **Go to hell, Dad**. _

 “WHAT?” several Konoha shinobi and citizens yelled.

 ‘Shit’ Kabuto thought, abandoning the sleep-genjutsu before he was found and getting ready for a fight.

 Realizing that things would only accelerate from there, Sarutobi was immediately on his feet and charging the Kazekage, who quickly shielded himself with gold dust. Their guards clashed, both sets falling off the roof.

 There was a loud cracking noise and a giant, three-headed snake burst into the arena.

 Gaara pointed at it, “Want to kill that?”

 “Sure,” Sasuke said. “I need to hit something with this Chidori, after all.”

 “Yosh! Let us fight the mighty snake together, Gaara-kun!”

 “Hell yeah!” Kankuro yelled as all fifteen genin hurried over and attacked the monstrous serpent.

 Meanwhile, with most jonin and chunin properly warned, Sound and Sand found themselves facing better opposition than expected…and Baki calmly walked into the Academy and surrendered himself to the stunned Iruka and Mizuki.

.o.o.o.

 “Got you!” Itachi hissed, stabbing Orochimaru in the side. “You idiotic serpent, thought you could really stay hidden?” He’d left the second he saw the giant snake—no way this bastard was hurting Konoha!

 “Oh no, I’m actually going to make quite the show of taking your little brother-”

 Orochimaru was forced into very evasive action to avoid the wrath of a certain protective big brother.

 “You-will-die-if-I-have-to-die-to-do-it!” Itachi yelled. “AND STAY AWAY FROM MY LITTLE BROTHER!”

 “Well, well…what have we here…”

 Itachi looked over. Two guys in black robes with red clouds, one short and one masked.

 Akatsuki.

 “Oh, _hell_ ,” he muttered.


	30. Akatsuki vs. Itachi vs. Orochimaru

Okay, known creepy snake sannin on the left, two unknown but undoubtedly strong members of a secretive, jinchuuriki-wanting organization on the right. Itachi did not like his odds.

 “Hello, Sasori,” Orochimaru said slowly.

 “Traitor,” Sasori said calmly.

 Maybe he’d be lucky and they’d kill each other—or at least give him an opening…he started working on a genjutsu-

 “Uchiha Itachi…Iwa and Kiri both offer a fifty million ryo bounty for you,” the taller Akatsuki member mused, casually pulsing his chakra to dispel the technique before Itachi was done casting it, the bastard.

 “Really?” Itachi asked. “Damn, thought I was worth more…” He drew his katana as Orochimaru pulled Kusanagi from his throat. “That’s disgusting.”

 “Oh, then you’ll love Kakuzu,” Sasori chucked, a metal tail rising from behind his squat form.

 Yes, he was well and truly in for a hard fight. He wondered how everyone else was making out as Sasori attacked Orochimaru.

 He was pretty sure they weren’t about to fight demonic thread people.

.o.o.o.

 Mikoto yanked her ninjato out of a Sand ninja. “You do _not_ attack Konoha!”

 Tsume and Kuromaru dropped two Sound ninja over the wall. Tsume bared her teeth, “Want to know why?”

 Hana and her three dogs ripped apart another enemy, Anko got several with snakes that Kurenai had trapped in genjustsu for her, and Noriko protected Tsubaki, who was healing hurt civilians.

 “My bet is that it’s because Konoha women are terrifying,” Kisame muttered as he bashed an opponent’s head in while herding more civilans over. “I never saw awesome shit like this in Kiri.”

 Noriko shot an enemy that Mikoto torched with a fireball and Yoshino Nara beat one over the head with her shoe.

 Kisame was tempted to just leave them to it…but it was so much fun to watch!

.o.o.o.

 “Hold its head!” Sasuke ordered Kankuro, who stilled one of the snake’s heads with his chakra strings long enough for Sasuke to ram his Chidori into it. “ _Finally_. Been holding that for a while.”

 Tenten took off a second head with Kubikiribocho and Temari the third with her wind. Gaara crushed the body, which Lee seized by the tail and hurled against the stadium wall, just to be sure.

 “Wow, our moms are kicking ass up there…” Kiba said.  “And my sister…and Mizuki’s fiancée…and that girl Itachi was with…and Kisame…”

 “Um, _invasion_?” Neji reminded him.

 “Oh, right,” Kiba said. “Okay future Hokage—what’s our plan?”

 “Well, with all these giant snakes, they’re probably working for that snake bastard who perved over Sasuke in the forest,” Naruto said. “So, we should probably find the snake bastard!”

 “Hey, one of these guys is still moving,” Ino said, kicking a Sound ninja. “Shino! Let’s find a secure location and interrogate him! Maybe we can find out the main battle plan and help out!”

 “Right—Chouji, Tenten, go help them with that. The rest of us will go find the snake-bastard!” Naruto decided. “Um…you three?”

 “…Shukaku decided he likes snake blood,” Gaara said with a shrug, going with the first group.

 “We’d better go with the second bunch,” Temari said to Kankuro. “That way group one has Shikamaru and group two has me.”

 “The troublesome girl is right,” Shikamaru said. “Whoa…I think my mom just killed a guy with her sandal…”

 “Let’s go!” Naruto yelled.

 Up in the stands, Kurenai’s eyes widened in shock and she raced off after the second group, yelling for Anko to behave. She wondered why the genin had to do such crazy, crazy things, before remembering their summer camp days…

.o.o.o.

 Mizuki and Iruka were forced to guard Baki as an aide evacuated their class.

 “So…” the jonin said quietly. “You are the…older brothers of the Nine Tails’ container?”

 “Call him Naruto,” Iruka said sternly. “Or I let Mizuki shuriken you.”

 The white-haired chunin—or were they secret-jonin? Intel was rather confused with them—was grinning while drumming his fingers on a giant shuriken.

 “I see. Adoptive, I’ll assume…and you…care for the boy?”

 “ _Yes_.” Mizuki’s drumming sped up.

 “And he…controls the beast?”

 “Yes, though from what I’ve seen, something is wrong with Gaara’s seal if he is a jinchuuriki like you say,” Iruka said. “We’re going to have Jiraiya-sama look at it when this mess is over.”

 “You’re confident,” Baki noted.

 “I’m knowledgeable,” Iruka corrected. “With your students’ turn, there is a zero-percent chance of the invasion succeeding.”

 Baki didn’t tell him, but he was probably right. Why the Kazekage had made the son he’d try to assassinate for years the keystone was a bit hard to puzzle out…

.o.o.o.

 Kakuzu was a difficult opponent. Itachi suspected genjutsu would be a weakness, but with Orochimaru and Sasori to worry about he couldn’t concentrate enough for a powerful one. He kept trying to break away instead, maybe find some other jonin and regroup—or hell, just regroup on his own and consider a plan, but it was inevitable that someone would block him.

 It was annoying to have _three_ opponents. He was spending all the time on defense and hadn’t gotten a decent attack off _yet_. Kisame would laugh at him if he knew.

 Every opening was cloaked in poison; every chance could kill him as easily as save him…

 Itachi vaguely wondered how no one had noticed or sent backup. Hell, what were the military police doing right now?

.o.o.o.

 Fugaku calmly dispatched two opponents with a fire technique.

 “We’re going have to bleach the station again after this, aren’t we sir?” Yashiro asked.

 “Probably. That burnt flesh won’t sterilize itself,” Fugaku said, glancing at some of the walls. “Seriously, what idiots thought _this_ was a good point of attack?”

 “Serious ones, sir,” Hoteru replied, disabling an opponent for Yashiro to kill.

 “And they say the Hyuuga have no sense of humor,” Fugaku laughed.

 “Stay the hell away from the paperwork!” Tekka shouted. “I am _not_ re-doing any of that!” He proceeded to bash his opponent’s head into a wall several times.

 “Make sure we use extra bleach there,” Fugaku told Yashiro.

.o.o.o.

 “Can’t we evacuate the civilians?” Noriko asked. “It’s getting hard to fight _and_ guard them!”

 “The clearest exit is that way,” Hiashi said, joining them. He gestured behind Yoshino. “The nearest shelter would most likely be the Uchiha compound.”

 “All right, Hiashi, I’ll take Hanabi and the civilians,” Mikoto said. “Yoshino, Tsubaki, come with me to help keep them in line. We’ll probably grab another Leaf nin or two on the way. Ladies, Kisame, Hiashi, the stadium is yours.”

 “Yes ma’am!” everyone but Hiashi agreed as the Hyuuga leader nudged his younger daughter over to the Uchiha matriarch.

 “All right, the Hokage seems to be holding his own for now, but we need to find any hidden opponents who might be waiting for an opening,” Hiashi said, assuming command. “Tsume, I want you and Hana in charge of the stands. I’ll go deal with the opponents coming through the broken wall on the ground. Noriko, pick off anyone trying a long range technique and scout for a way to help the Hokage. Kisame, I want you to go find out just what the hell the genin are doing the first chance you get.”

 “Got it,” Kisame said, snapping a Sound ninja’s neck.

 “Good,” Hiashi said. Hinata and Neji had to go running off during an invasion, of all times…if they _didn’t_ have a plan they were grounded for certain!

.o.o.o.

 “Down!” Neji ordered.

 Gaara’s sand rushed forward to block the fire technique some Sound ninja had sent towards them. “I can pin them if you do the rest.”

 “That’s the plan, then!” Naruto declared.

 Gaara’s sand rushed up the opponent’s legs and Sasuke, Sakura, and Naruto quickly took them out with giant and windmill shuriken.

 “Come on, I can smell the pervy-guy now!” Kiba said. “It’s this way!”

 “That sounds so wrong,” Sasuke commented.

 “Clan ability, go to hell,” Kiba retorted.

 “Please! We must fight the enemies, not each other!” Lee said.

 “Yeah, Lee’s right. Knock it off you two!” Sakura ordered.

 “There’s less resistance if we take this way,” Hinata said, steering the group down a side street. “I think I can see where they are!”

.o.o.o.

 Itachi barely managed to avoid Kakuzu’s latest attack, and almost crashed into Orochimaru, who was trying to stay away from Sasori. The bodies of a few random lower-rank ninja who’d stumbled onto the field—mostly Sound, he noticed—were getting a bit hard not to trip over.

 “Perhaps a truce is in order?” Orochimaru offered.

 “Yes, I’m really making a truce with you, of all people,” Itachi said, going to stab him. He was forced to move as Kakuzu launched a lightning attack his way. “Damn it!”

 “Hey, they both want us dead, don’t they?” Orochimaru asked. “Idiot Kazekage, why the hell did he hire these people?” He shot several snakes at Sasori, who took them out with tail and senbon. “Probably said he’d give them that kid of his instead of payment…”

 Itachi growled as he started to feel a slight pull on his chakra reserves. Of all the times to be reminded that endurance wasn’t his thing… He shook his head slightly and ignored it as he dodged more threads.

 “Dragon Fire Technique!” he said, keeping Sasori back. The man shied whenever he used fire, maybe enough would leave him with just Orochimaru and Kakuzu…he could probably work with that…

 “Sasori, get over here!” Kakuzu said. “Water Encampment Wall.”

 Itachi frowned. That would be rather hard to get through…he could try and make a break for it, leave Orochimaru to them, but who knew what those two would do to the Leaf, especially if the Kazekage had hired them? Instead he mentally went through his list of copied techniques, looking for a strong enough earth one to counter the water… the only offensive one he found was a C-rank, but used effectively it should beat the wall… “Bedrock coffin!”

 Multiple rocks were ripped from the ground and Itachi sent them hurtling at the wall. ‘Break through, come on, come on…’ He hurriedly blocked a cheap shot from Orochimaru, but didn’t have any time for relief as the rocks broke the technique, since Sasori was firing more senbon. He used a Body Flicker to take the high ground from a roof, creating two Shadow Clones as he did. “Great Fireball!”

 Chakra threads came from Sasori, who just managed to snare Itachi long enough to yank him and his clones back to the ground—the clones dispersing on impact—before Orochimaru tried to shoot the man with a lightning technique, forcing him to let go. Sasori chuckled, “I don’t think so, boy.”

 Itachi grumbled as he quickly got back to his feet. This was really getting to be annoying…

 “Getting tired, Itachi-kun?” Orochimaru asked, blasting Kakuzu with a fire technique. It was met with a water one.

 “Not on your life, Hebi- _kun_ ,” Itachi hissed, repositioning his sword.

  “You can’t hold on forever, you know,” Sasori mocked, nearly impaling both Itachi and the Snake Sannin with his tail.

 Itachi groaned—was he really about to consider an alliance with the man who wanted to kidnap and possibly molest his brother?

 “Niisan!”

 Oh thank god, he didn’t have to, his brother and his friends were here.

 Wait. Sasuke and his friends were here? He spared a quick glance—yep.

 Oh _great_ …

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And the chaos begins! In this universe since Konoha is stronger than canon!Konoha by virtue of no dead Uchiha Clan, the Fourth Kazekage hired Akatsuki as backup...and didn't tell Orochimaru that. We know Akatsuki is hire-able given the Third Tsuchikage is noted to have done so in the past in Shippuden. 
> 
> Also I always wondered this, and am considered working it into the fic at a later date: is it part of Suna's money problems that their kage uses magnet release on large quantities of GOLD DUST? I mean, if he just summons it himself that's one thing but in that case...well, maybe he's scared of inflation or something if he started summoning and selling gold. Idk. Or the ninja world doesn't work on a gold standard.


	31. ...And Now With Genin!

Chapter 30: …And Now With Genin!

“How…unexpected,” Kakuzu said, pausing to regard the new arrivals, though Sasori and Orochimaru just kept at it.

 Itachi personally thought that was an understatement. Sasuke, Naruto, Sakura, Shikamaru, Kiba, Hinata, Neji, Lee, and that Gaara kid had just shown up. Nine genin randomly appearing to take part in a battle between some of the strongest ninja involved in this conflict…nine genin clearly looking at him for orders.

 Was he really about to command three pseudo-teams of genin against three top-ranked criminals?

 “Fufufu, Sasuke-kun, how nice to see you…”

 Hell yes he was.

 “Sasuke, you’re on medical, and give me a chakra pill. Neji, use your Kaiten to keep the masked guy back. Hinata, help him with that. Lee, dodge everything, _everything_ the short one throws your way, as it might be poisoned. Gaara-san, crush that one the instant you have a chance. Naruto, clones all around, I want overwhelming chaos on our side. Shikamaru, extra strategy to you, and help with the thread guy. Sakura, Kiba, and I take the snake-bastard. Got it?”

 “Hai!” the genin agreed.

 “You’re going to have children fight us now?” Kakuzu asked, his threads racing forward. Neji deflected them, and Hinata jabbed several with her Jukken.

 “Neji-niisan, they’re extensions of his chakra system!” she said.

 “I see,” Neji agreed. “And he seems to have multiple hearts—I vote we take out some other vital organ. Unless Sasuke feels like blowing all five of them up.”

 “Not funny!” Sasuke scolded, his Sharingan quickly darting up and down each opponent. “Short one has a weird looking chakra print, but it’s kind of like Kankuro’s, masked guy has a ton to spare, but less than Kisame, and the snake bastard still seems like what I remember of the snake bastard.”

 “We should stay on defense for now then,” Hinata said.

 “Agreed. We should be found by Kisame, Anko, Iruka, Mizuki, a sensei, or someone else soon enough.” Neji said, this time deflecting a fire technique.

 Naruto’s clones swarmed Kakuzu, but were quickly ripped apart with a wind technique.

 Neji growled. Itachi agreed with the sentiment. Without backup, this might take a while.

.o.o.o.

 Lee’s speed clearly frustrated Sasori, who had yet to hit him with tail or senbon. When his tail lashed a touch too close to the Ichibi’s host, it was crushed at the midpoint by sand.

 “Go Gaara-kun!” Lee cheered. “Whoa!”

 The last of Sasori’s senbon just missed Lee, blocked by sand. He snarled—a defensive type like the Ichibi host was a bad matchup for him.

 “You brats are on my nerves. See how you like my favorite puppet—the Third Kazekage!”

 As Gaara’s eyes widened, Lee simply pointed at Sasori and scolded, “That is most unyouthful! Gai-sensei will be very displeased when he hears of your deeds!”

.o.o.o.                              

 “Hold still, Hebi-kun,” Itachi growled. “I only want to bisect and flambé you!”

 Orochimaru hopped back, wielding Kusanagi with his tongue to force the genin to stay away. Suddenly, as he dispersed a fire attack from Itachi, he felt a very strange sensation…

 “This is so gross!” Sakura groaned. “KIBA!”

 Kiba sank his claws and Akamaru his teeth into the section of tongue Sakura had grabbed.

 Orochimaru hissed in pain and accidentally dropped Kusanagi. Sasuke snatched it up and hopped back while Kiba and Akamaru gagged in disgust.

 “I think you have a problem, Hebi-kun,” Itachi said darkly, beginning a genjutsu that should deal with the snake…

.o.o.o.

 “Naruto! How long can you keep those clones coming?” Neji asked.

 “I’m good for as long as you need!” Naruto yelled back.

 “Alright, plan time!” Shikamaru declared. “Neji, keep the Kaiten going. Naruto, same with the clone swarm. Hinata, I’m going to get him with Shadow Possession and Strangle. When I do…you’re going to use your Jukken and take out his brain.”

 Hinata swallowed but nodded.

 “Good,” Shikamaru said. “The others seem fine, for now.”

.o.o.o.

 “No offense, but you would think Iron Sand would be stronger than normal sand,” Lee commented from behind Gaara.

 “It is. I’m just making a lot of normal sand so I can overwhelm it anyway,” Gaara grunted. “Damn it, if I could just get close and…break…Lee, give me your hands, fist-shaped.”

 “What?” Lee asked.

 “The puppet is clearly poisoned—Kankuro does it all the time. I’m coating your fists in sand armor to counteract that,” Gaara said. The sand glided over Lee’s hands, forming gauntlets. “Now hit as hard as you can!”

 Lee briefly knocked his fists together before flashing Gaara a satisfied smile. “Let us do this, Gaara-kun! Dynamic Entry—Mega-Punch Style!”

.o.o.o.

 “Damn it!” Itachi bellowed as Orochimaru vanished, replacing himself with a snake. The snake was quickly immolated as Itachi, in one of his few similarities to most Uchiha, tended to express true rage with high-powered fire ninjutsu.

 “Niisan, I’m telling mom about that,” Sasuke said warningly.

 “Sasuke, go help the people against the evil stich man by cutting stuff with the pretty sword. Sakura, you and I will help with the evil puppet-user. Kiba, Akamaru…rinse your mouth and hands…”

 Sasuke whooped and gleefully went for Kakuzu’s threads. Between him, the kaiten, and Naruto’s clones, Shikamaru barely had anything left to pin down. Hinata charged her fingertips with as much chakra as she dared, located the right points of the brain, and with three little taps, performed what could have been called the most boring assassination move ever.

 Just to be sure though, Sasuke stabbed him in the head a few times. And set him on fire.

.o.o.o.

 “Wow, you shattered him…and he was made of wood,” Gaara said, shocked. This was no surprise, as ninja were not ordinarily composed of timber, but of less sturdy materials that squished in sand coffins.

 Lee beamed, “Yosh! The combined power of our youthfulness could not be withstood!”

 “You…little…brats!” A smaller wooden man rose from the rubble, quickly reanimating the Third Kazekage. “How dare you!”

 “How dare we…fight you?” Gaara asked slowly. “We are _ninjas_. I happen to be a ninja who quite enjoys fighting, as well.”

 “I can attest to that,” Lee agreed. “Gaara is very, very interested in engaging in battle. This is probably why you and your powerful dead-person-puppet are _still_ losing to him. I, like Gaara, also take much joy in battles, but I prefer more youthful ones.”

 “Lee, find a way to cover your hands and hit something!” Gaara snapped, dealing with the Iron Sand again.

 Lee was hit in the head with a pair of gloves.

 “Use those!” Sakura yelled, before joining Itachi in hurling projectiles at Sasori.

 “Sakura-san’s…own gloves,” Lee whispered. “I shall do them great honor!”

 “I don’t care about honor, hit **something**!” Gaara and/or Shukaku yelled. They were both thinking it by that point.

 “Right,” Lee agreed, dropping his weights. “Does that capsule not look appealing?”

 Gaara saw what he was pointing at. “Perfect. Go for it.”

 Lee sped around behind Sasori, ripped out the odd capsule in his chest, and crushed it. His green jumpsuit was quickly stained red.

 “Oh my god, was that a heart in there?” Sakura shrieked.

 “No, you can’t have it,” Gaara hissed, presumably to Shukaku.

 “So that was how he lived as a puppet. Interesting,” Itachi said. “Wait…two members of Akatsuki were just taken out by a bunch of genin…”

 Every backed away as Itachi started laughing hysterically.

 “Do you think he’s finally cracked?” Naruto asked.

 “If you ask me, he cracked back when he had that summer camp idea,” Sasuke replied. “…Or whenever he let Kisame babysit me.”

 “Itachi!” It was Kakashi, with Gai in tow. “We got here as soon as—did you manage to kill them both?”

 “And why are you laughing?” Gai asked slowly.

 “I…I just watched a bunch of genin take out two Akatsuki members,” Itachi laughed. “I’m okay, I swear, I’m okay…haha…”

 Gai and Kakashi looked over to see and embarrassed Gaara arguing with his sand to get off Lee’s clothes, Lee telling Gaara he didn’t mind if “Shukaku-kun” wanted some blood off him, Sasuke healing Neji from what looked like dizziness, Hinata staring blankly at a corpse, Naruto cheering and hugging people, and Shikamaru and Sakura handing Kiba and Akamaru water as the duo continually washed their hands and mouth.

 “So, Itachi. I can honestly say I’m glad I don’t know,” Kakashi said.

 “It was awesome,” the Uchiha genius laughed.

 “Itachi,” Gai said, patting him on the back. “While I am glad you are enjoying the fires of your youth…there is an invasion going on.”

 Itachi snapped back to normal, “Oh, right. Um…who’s fit for battle?”

 All the genin raised their hands.

 “Take your pick, guys. Team Itachi with me,” Itachi called, jogging off, his genin in tow.

 “I shall take my youthful students and the genin…cleaning…my youthful student,” Gai decided.

 “It’s not me!” Gaara protested. “Shukaku…argh!” He folded his arms in frustration.

 “Come, Gaara-kun!” Lee said brightly. “Let us youthfully re-enter battle!”

 “Run while you still can,” Neji sighed. Gaara gave him a blank look but followed anyway.

 Kakashi stared at Hinata, Kiba, and Shikamaru. “Okay…I don’t know any of you. Oh well. Off we go.”

.o.o.o.

 “Now!” Kankuro said. Tenten began her Twin Rising Dragons with Crow protecting her, and Temari used her fan to propel the weapons even harder into the Sand and Sound Ninja and large snakes.

 “Shino, Ino, how’s the interrogation going?” Chouji asked.

 “You do not wish to know,” Shino replied from inside a hole in the roof the other four were on. “We have ascertained that the Kazekage did not hire a mercenary group for numbers, but for quality, and promised they could have Gaara as payment for some reason, so be on guard.”

 “Okay, I hate him even more now!” Temari said. “All right, Tenten, get an axe in that snake’s head for me!”

 “If you and your siblings do stay in Konoha, do I ever have a team for Kisame…” Kurenai sighed, trapping three opponents in a genjutsu so Temari could blow them away.

 “Good plan,” Kankuro said. “He’s the shark-guy, right?”

 “Yes. You and your siblings should fit just fine.”

.o.o.o.

 Sarutobi was blocked from the Kazekage again, this time not by gold dust but by Orochimaru’s appearance.

 “This is your idea of easy?” the Kazekage growled.

 “Well, if you hadn’t hired Akatsuki of all people I would be in much better condition,” Orochimaru said. “I’ll handle my old sensei. You may want to find us a bargaining chip.”

 The Kazekage vanished, Orochimaru blocking the Third from stopping him. “Oh no, old man, this ends here.”

 “You’re right—it does,” Sarutobi said, summoning the monkey king. “For you!”

.o.o.o.

 “We need to come up with a sweeping maneuver to clear this street,” Itachi said. “Naruto, your clones will go in first to push the invaders into one spot, and then Sasuke and Sakura will use Great Fireball to light them up. You and I will follow with explosive projectiles.”

 “Got it!” Naruto said, sending a mass of clones ahead. “K-kun says at this rate, I’m good for at least another twelve hours, so don’t worry about me!”

 “Thank him for monitoring your chakra output for us,” Itachi said, scanning the area briefly for extra opponents. “All right, Sasuke, Sakura, get ready—oh, no you don’t!” A Sound jonin was quickly impaled. “Going after genin, aren’t you a jackass.” Itachi wiped his sword off on the corpse’s vest. “Sasuke, Sakura, now!”

 “Incoming!”

 Itachi and Naruto turned in time to see the two Sand ninja before Kisame’s water sharks ripped them apart. The blue man landed, “Naruto, where’s the other kids that ran off with you? Hiashi sent me to find them, something about getting grounded if there wasn’t a plan…”

 “Hinata, Kiba, and Shikamaru went with Kakashi, and Gai took Lee, Neji, and Gaara,” Itachi said as he and Naruto threw explosives at the burning opponents. “Here.” He snatched Kusanagi off Sasuke’s back. “I’d rather he not hurt himself with it.”

 “Hey!” Sasuke huffed, before catching a survivor with a shuriken.

 “Oh, Kusanagi, nice,” Kisame said, admiring the blade in the way that only a truly obsessed swordsman could. “Sasuke, where’d you get it?”

 “Orochimaru. We made him drop it,” Sasuke said. “Need a medic?”

 “I’m good. I’ll go check in with the ANBU guarding the shelters if you don’t need me,” Kisame said.

 “Great, see if there’s any coherent orders yet. See you later,” Itachi said. “Sakura, she’s dead, you can stop hitting her!”

 Sakura dropped the opponent, looking a little sheepish.

 “Have fun!” Kisame called as he ran off.

 “Fun. Classic Kisame,” Itachi chuckled. “Okay, let’s head down a block and repeat!”

.o.o.o.

 Kabuto huffed as he finished off the Hokage’s guards so the Kazekage’s could go and try to help their leader—or Orochimaru, whoever was up there right now, really. His eye twitched as one, trying to leap from the stadium wall to the roof, was shot in the head with an arrow and the second was intercepted by the leader of the Inuzuka clan.

 “You’ve got to be kidding me…have to do everything myself,” he grumbled. Orochimaru owed him some more test subjects for this…

 “Stop!”

 He killed the two chunin without a second glance. Of all the days to have a plan go wrong, it had to be today…

.o.o.o.

 “What’s up?” Kisame said, landing between two ANBU at the main shelter. “Got any orders to dish out?”

 “Ebisu-san is coordinating,” the one with the parrot mask told him.

 “Got it…who’s he again?”

 “Jonin. Sunglasses and bandanna. That way,” the iguana-masked one said, pointing.

 “Got it!” Kisame said. “Thanks, guys!”

.o.o.o.

 “So, is there any sort of a plan yet?” Kurenai asked Koetsu, who had just shown up with Izumo to help them hold the east wall.

 “Kill or chase out all invaders,” he said, shrugging. “If you want serious info or plans, right now you have to run all the way to the main shelters. We’ve got Ebisu coordinating with Inoichi’s help, but really it’s being left up to the ninja on how to do what they’re doing.”

 “Why?” Kurenai asked sternly, nailing an opponent in the head with a kunai as Tenten briefly stopped her storm of projectiles to save Kankuro from getting kicked off the roof by said opponent. Kankuro then used Crow to stop Chouji from getting impaled with senbon.

 “Because the Hokage’s still in a fight?” Izumo offered. “I mean, it’s not kage vs. kage anymore, from what I heard, but no one knows where the hell Jiraiya is other than that they’ve seen his toads around, and Hokage-sama told anyone nearby to use long distance techniques only so Orochimaru doesn’t kill them.”

 “Orochimaru. Or course,” Kurenai muttered. “Itachi must be so happy.”

 “Well, I don’t know about him, but we ran into Mikoto-san and she started swearing up a storm. Nara Yoshino had to cover Hyuuga Hanabi’s ears,” Izumo said.

 “I am going to need so many tea ceremonies to make up for today…” Kurenai said.

 “Yeah. Ebisu said the same about reading good literature and Chouza said the same about buffets,” Koetsu said. “We get it. Everyone hates Orochimaru.”

 “All right, you two head for the wall itself. Kankuro will use Crow to back you up,” Kurenai said. “Ino, Shino, that’s enough interrogation, just restrain him and get up here!”

.o.o.o.

 Two of the ANBU guarding the hospital were suddenly suffocated with gold dust. More were quickly taken out, though three managed to fight back as Sand ninja, sensing his intent, rushed in to capture the building.

 The Kazekage nodded. This should work as a bargaining chip, all right…

 However, he didn’t know of a certain green-clad jonin, who was about to decide his current squad should go reinforce that very building…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I remember the Hinata killing Kakuzu was the thing I got the most flak for, which interestingly enough was joke running around certain parts of the fandom way back when this was first published, essentially "hey, Kakuzu has five hearts, but only one brain, right?" So yeah, I just had to throw the gag in. 
> 
> But yeah, two Akatsuki down in the face of teamwork...and getting a bit tired out by Itachi and Orochimaru beforehand. 
> 
> I loved writing Lee and Gaara tag teaming. They're just such a natural teamup and I'm so sad they didn't get used during the World War Arc.


	32. The Swords of the Leaf

“Sensei, what is our objective?” Neji asked.

 “Well, with your eyes and Gaara’s defense, I believe our best bet is to go reinforce the hospital!” Gai replied. “We shall aid the ANBU already there! …Also, Gaara, you really should take that headband off your gourd, we don’t need people trying to kill one so youthful!”

 “Uh, okay,” Gaara said, untying the headband and letting it fall. “Forgot it was there. Sorry.”

 “Forgivable!” Gai declared. “Ah, it seems we have opposition between us and our destination! Lee, open to the third!”

 Lee and Gai both opened the Gates as Neji and Gaara deflected the fire and earth attacks from various Sound ninja. Lee and Gai engaged the ninja, and were quickly aided by three ANBU in dispatching them.

 “ANBU, what is going on? Should you not be at the hospital?” Gai asked.

 “Jonin-san, there is a situation,” the bird-masked man said. “We were hoping _he_ could explain it.” He pointed at Gaara.

 “What do you mean? I’m on your side,” Gaara said, Lee and Neji moving protectively closer.

 “ _Look_ ,” the otter-masked woman said, pointing at the hospital.

 “Is that… _gold_?” Neji asked.

 “No,” Gaara whispered. “Gold _dust_. My father is going after the hospital.”

.o.o.o.

 Kisame hopped onto the roof next to Kurenai. “Need Tenten, maybe one more.”

 “Why?” Kurenai demanded. “We’re a bit busy holding the wall!”

 “Orders, got them from Ebisu at the shelters—the hospital’s under attack and the rest of her team is almost there, along with Gaara,” Kisame said. “We’ll need her and Kubikiribocho to help clear opponents, _now_ ,” Kisame said.

 “Fine. Send some genin or chunin our way then,” Kurenai said. “Tenten, with your senpai.”

 Tenten joined Kisame and they raced off, “Where’d you get that other sword?”

 “Huh? Oh, Sasuke stole it off Orochimaru,” Kisame said. “Itachi didn’t want him hurting himself with it and made him fork it over.”

 “Looks nice,” Tenten said.

 “No. Bad girl. You have Kubikiribocho, you don’t need Kusanagi.”

 “ _The_ Kusanagi?” Tenten asked gleefully.

 “Here we go,” Kisame sighed.

.o.o.o.

 “Hinata, on the left!” Kakashi ordered. “Shikamaru, bind that one! Kiba—what can you do outside of clan things again?”

 “Some earth stuff,” Kiba replied, throwing an opponent Hinata’s way so she could disable him while Akamaru bit another.

 “Kiba, do some earth stuff,” Kakashi decided, impaling a Suna jonin with his Lightning Blade.

 “Wow, the village is lucky you never became a sensei,” Kiba sighed.

 “I heard that, kid!” Kakashi snapped. “You know I don’t know you lot!”

 “Stop arguing, _please_!” Shikamaru sighed as he restrained more enemies.

.o.o.o.

 “That’s the Kazekage’s doing?” the bird ANBU asked.

 “Yes…and it’s stronger than my sand,” Gaara said. His shoulders slumped as he glanced away. “Much stronger.”

 “But Gaara, did you not say the Iron Sand was stronger than your own, and beat it anyway?” Lee asked.

 “It’s different,” Gaara said. “He…he’s stronger. He always won. He can even mix it with my sand, maybe even take control of that…”

 “Always won?” Neji asked.

 “When I tried to kill him,” Gaara said quietly. “Or Shukaku went wild.”

 “This Kazekage must have been a most terrible father to evoke such emotions from a genin so kind,” Gai said, shedding tears.

 Gaara stared, confused at Gai’s assessment, and Neji explained, “He’s only ever seen you beat a Waterfall kid, announce the invasion, and save me and Lee a bit.”

 “Yes, Gaara-kun was treated most woefully!” Lee said, hugging the redhead. Gaara stared at him as his continued, “We must defeat the Kazekage and show him the error of his ways!”

 “Lee, sensei, this is a _kage_ we’re talking about here,” Neji said.

 “I’m with the Hyuuga,” the dog ANBU said. “We’ll need some major firepower to overpower him.”

 “Hey-o, everybody!”

 “Here comes some,” Lee said, grinning as Kisame and Tenten landed, Tenten unsealing Kubikiribocho.

 “Lady and gentlemen, this just became doable,” the otter ANBU declared, giving Kisame a thumbs up.

.o.o.o.

 Noriko hopped to the stadium wall, trying to aim a shot at Orochimaru. It probably wouldn’t hurt him, but it might give the Sandiame an opening…

 “Well, well, what have we here?”

 Noriko turned, recognizing the silver hair and glasses from Itachi’s angry descriptions. Her eyes spun into the Sharingan. “I am Uchiha Noriko. You tried to kidnap my boyfriend’s little brother. Prepare to die.”

 “You want to bet on that, archer?” Kabuto asked.

“Are you kidding? Every Uchiha in the village wants your head—it’ll be my pleasure to shoot it right off!” Noriko snapped, firing.

.o.o.o.

 “So, Gaara will divert the main portion of his father’s gold here, with Lee as additional protection from enemies,” Gai said, drawing a map in a miniature sand platform Gaara had made. “Bird and Dog will do likewise with fire and wind here, with Neji handling other opponents. Otter, Tenten, and I will handle the Suna shinobi by the main doors. Kisame will take the first break he can and use Samehada-”

 “Nope,” Kisame said.

 “Beg pardon?” Gai asked. “We need to act _quickly_.”

 “Exactly,” Kisame said. “ _I’m_ not fast enough…but _Lee_ is.”

 “Senpai?” Lee asked.

 Kisame held out Samehada. “Just for the invasion kiddo, then I get her back.”

 “Yes, Kisame-senpai!” Lee said, hugging him.

 “Is…that an ocean genjutsu?” Neji asked, horrified. Gaara just stared as Shukaku started laughing hysterically.

 “I _don’t_ want to know,” Tenten said, pinching the bridge of her nose. “I really don’t.”

 “So, _Lee_ will try to drain the Kazekage’s chakra while Kisame keeps him busy with water attacks and his other, new sword,” Gai corrected. “Otter, will you protect Gaara?”

 “Yes, jonin-san,” she replied, clapping Gaara on the shoulder. He stared blankly at her hand for a few moments. All of this ‘people wanting to work with him’ was starting to become overwhelming.

 “Very good!” Gai declared as Lee dropped his weights and shouldered Samehada. “Let the assault begin!”

.o.o.o.

 The Kazekage saw the sand coming, and smothered it. So now Gaara wanted to play the hero? No. With the way things were going, he needed leverage to get his people out of here…and someone like Sarutobi would _never_ let a whole hospital down.

 His gold was then assaulted by the back entrance, as Gaara attacked again. He repelled it, only for a drill of water to break through his personal shield. He went for the blue attacker, only for a green blur to swipe by and scrape him.

 He felt his chakra reserves shudder slightly, like it was they that had been attacked. The blue swordsman slashed and he blocked with gold, and the Kazekage recognized him: Hoshigaki Kisame. The man whose sword drained chakra—but he did not hold that sword.

 His Third Eye technique showed who did—a boy around Kankuro’s age, with a bowl cut and ridiculous jumpsuit. “You think a child will help you beat me?”

 “You know it’s more than just him,” Kisame said, and the Kazekage felt another push from Gaara.

 “It still won’t work,” the Kazekage said.

 “ _No_ , that would be this invasion,” Kisame replied, before he and Lee both charged.

.o.o.o.

 ‘Shit, shit,’ Noriko thought. Her Sharingan was the only reason Kabuto hadn’t hit her yet, and it was getting to be a near thing for him. That chakra was clearly medical-based, she could only think of what a straight blow would do…

 “Getting tired yet?” Kabuto asked brightly. “I commend your shot to my collarbone, if I couldn’t have healed it right away it would have been a severe handicap.”

 “You wish,” Noriko snarled, blocking his next blow with her bow. Kabuto winced slightly as his hand hit the reinforced wood, and Noriko went for an opening with a kunai.

 She got him in the stomach, but something hit her left leg, numbing it. She tripped, falling onto the wall’s edge, only just hanging on. Her bow clattered down the long drop to the ground.

 “Oh, this is looking _just_ like a children’s movie,” Kabuto said, healing his wound. “And here comes the big, dramatic scene!” He went to bring a foot down on her hands.

 Noriko glanced down, “Guess again.” She let go with one hand, “Great Fireball!”

 Kabuto leaped back to dodge as Noriko let go, falling down the outside of the stadium wall…and into a heap of Naruto’s clones acting as a cushion. “Good one, kid.”

 “Noriko, you take them. I’m going after Kabuto. Kurenai needs reinforcements on the eastern side of the wall,” Itachi ordered, running up the side of the stadium. Seeing him coming, Kabuto jumped down the other side.

 “If the bastard’s gone by the time he gets there, niisan will be _pissed_ ,” Sasuke muttered.

 “Sasuke, get my leg working, _now_ ,” Noriko ordered. “Naruto, send clones ahead to the wall to help out. Sakura, go get my bow. I really need to shoot someone right about now…”

.o.o.o.

 Gai was filled with joy at how skillfully Tenten wielded the mighty blade that was larger than she was. Clearly Kisame’s teachings had been most youthful!

 They cleared the area around the hospital of all enemies, Tenten occasionally chucking weapons at the gold dust to help out with the “break the Kazekage’s concentration” plan.

 “Sensei, how much longer do you think we can keep this up?” she asked, blocking a hit with Kubikiribocho and stabbing the opponent through the hole midway down the larger sword.

 “Our spirits shall never be diminished, my faithful student!” Gai declared. “We shall prevail!”

 “Yeah,” Tenten said. “But it’s what it might take to prevail-” she cut the Sound ninja in half “- _that_ worries me.”

.o.o.o.

 “You got this, kid?” Otter asked, on the lookout for trouble.

 “I am fine,” Gaara said, struggling. He could feel his father weakening, see Lee catching him left and right with Samehada and Kisame drawing little flecks of blood that threatened to over-excite Shukaku, but that was not his focus. “I have cleared the inside of the hospital of gold dust, so now we just deal with the…exterior…”

 His father was pushing back against his attacks, trying to find him, trying to sense where he was. Gaara focused on spreading them out more to hide their location.

 “Kid, watch it!”

 Gaara’s eyes widened at the whip of gold headed right for him. Memories of his sand being pulled down, stopped by the gold, froze him in place.

 “KID!”

 Otter shoved him out of the way, and Gaara saw the gold lock around her arm. He directed his strongest sand towards the pillar of gold, breaking it and its connection to his father before it could do too much damage. “I—I am sorry.”

 “Just keep nailing him,” Otter ordered, splinting her arm with her sword’s sheath. “Nothing matters other than securing that hospital!”

.o.o.o.

 Lee kept his speed up, dodging the gold the way Gaara had warned him it would move, and kept slashing away with Samehada. His chakra reserves stayed full—almost everything she took from the Kazekage she gave to him, enabling him to move faster and faster as the opponent got weaker and weaker. Kisame was holding up as well, so if they could only-

 The Kazekage vanished in a swirl of gold dust.

 “Jeez, do the good opponents ever stick around and die like men? _No_ ,” Kisame huffed. “Jerks…”

 “He _left_?” Lee asked.

 “I know, isn’t it annoying?” Kisame asked. “Damn it, I’m not getting to off _anyone_ tough today…”

 “He LEFT?” Lee yelled. “That unyouthful, horrible, no-good—did Samehada just call me adorable?”

 “She does that,” Kisame said, taking his sword back. “All right, let’s meet up with the rest and re-secure the place.”

.o.o.o.

 “Good job, kid, he fled,” Otter told Gaara. “We won.”

 Gaara stared. His father…left. He’d won…he’d won with his _friends_!

 He hugged Otter happily.

 “…exactly how long have you been around Gai again?” she asked, tentatively patting him on the head.

.o.o.o.

 “Hello, Noriko,” Kurenai said.

 “Kurenai,” Noriko replied, shooting a few retreating ninja. “So, they’re running for it now?”

 “I think it finally dawned on them that they were in trouble,” Kurenai replied.

 “Took them long enough,” Temari said, keeping her fan open in case of a surprise. “By the way, um, Tenten and that Neji guy…are they…you know?”

 “Why do you ask?” Kurenai replied, her eyes scanning the wall. “Naruto, have your clones start rebuilding right there, okay?” She pointed and Naruto had a dozen or so head over.

 “Don’t tell him I said it, but I think Kankuro’s in love with certain bun-head and her way too many weapons,” Temari muttered.

 “Jeez, first they come smash up the place, then they run when it gets tough,” Naruto huffed. “You lot!” He pointed to a group of clones. “Go catch up to them and blow up!”

 “Who’s hurt?” Sasuke asked.

 “Kankuro sprained an ankle and Chouji has some mild head trauma,” Kurenai said. “I think Ino and Shino’s prisoner might need help too, but let’s wait for an ANBU to arrive to tell us what to do with him.”

 “All right, let’s get cleanup started,” Noriko said. “We’ll want most of that wall back up by sundown, even if it’s shoddy work. Any genin able to use earth, fire, or water techniques come with me. Temari, you do lookout duty.”

 “I’ll keep an eye on Sasuke and the injured,” Kurenai said. “Kankuro, when you feel better, can you use your puppeteering on the rocks to help with the wall?”

 “Yes ma’am,” Kankuro said as Sasuke treated his ankle.

.o.o.o.

 “So…let me see…The Kazekage ran, Orochimaru ran, Itachi’s ranting that some guy named Kabuto ran, every _other_ invader who could get out ran except that one Sand jonin who surrendered…weird invasion,” Jiraiya snorted.

 “Well, once he saw you coming to aid me I think Orochimaru knew he was in trouble,” Sarutobi replied. “Though I’m rather surprised the genin knew about all this…”

 “Well, you did approve them becoming pals with the Sand team,” Jiraiya said. “Who apparently felt guilty and decided to switch sides.”

 “Yes, Baki told Ibiki that they point blank refuse to return to Suna unless a different Kazekage is instated,” Sarutobi said. “I plan on paroling him to make sure that happens—with this little fiasco, it shouldn’t be too hard for Suna to want a change.”

 “What do we do with the kids in the meantime?” Jiraiya asked.

 “Let them stay under guard. Kurenai recommended Kisame,” Sarutobi said. “By the way, now he’s petitioning for me to allow him to hunt down another ex-swordsman form Kiri so he can take _their_ sword for Neji and let all of Gai’s team have one. Or allow me to let him give Neji Kusanagi, whichever he thinks he can get away with doing, really…”

 “You’ve got to be kidding me,” Jiraiya said.

 “And you need to look at Gaara’s seal,” Sarutobi added. “I’ll expect you to have tended to that soon.”

 “Fine, fine, anything else?”

 “Get some rest,” Sarutobi advised. “I have some reports to go over, myself, and some promotions to choose…”

.o.o.o.

 “Godamnit!” Mizuki yelled.

 “Of course our apartment building would get wrecked,” Iruka sighed.

 “Well, you can stay with Mizuki and me for now,” Tsubaki said. “Come on, let’s go find Naruto and go home. It’s been a long, long day.”

 “I heard you helped kick some ass in the stands,” Mizuki said.

 “Flatterer,” Tsubaki said. “Oh, Naruto! Naruto, over here!”

 Naruto ran up, followed by the three siblings from Suna. “Um, guys, I don’t think you can spend the night at my place after all…since it looks kind of gone…”

 “They’ll stay with us until the Hokage knows where he’s putting them,” Iruka said. “Come on, all of you, we’re going to Tsubaki’s. Naruto, Mizuki, come _on_ , we can go through the wreck tomorrow.”

 So the seven ninja trooped to Tsubaki’s house to finally get some rest after a very long, very odd day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honestly between Kisame and Gai, Team 4 risks becoming a very OP little bunch of genin. Especially if they ever get Neji a sword too.


	33. Moving Day and More Changes

 “I think I found some pants!” Kankuro called.

 “Yeah, those are mine,” Mizuki said as they dropped them in a box. “Darn, where is Naruto’s sleeping hat? He loves that thing…”

 “What’s it look like?” Temari asked, poking through the wreckage of the apartment building.

 “Well, when he wears it, kind of like a tadpole’s eating his head,” Iruka said.

 “ _Ruka-nii_!” Naruto whined. “Hey, I found some of your books! And Mizu-nii’s grades book!”

 “Pack them up,” Tsubaki said. “We want to be done by lunch, remember?”

 Gaara held something up, “I think this is the hat.”

 “You found it!” Naruto cheered, hugging him. “Oh, hey, my pirate manga! Awesome!”

.o.o.o.

 “So…who gets promoted…” Koharu mused.

 “Well, Gaara and Kankuro confessed to cheating against Kankuro’s opponent, and have accepted their disqualification. I’ll recommend them for a field promotion, whether they stay here or go back to Suna,” Sarutobi said. “Temari and Shikamaru have both proved themselves more than able, so I feel they should get promotion.”

 “We can’t really promote a non-Leaf shinobi,” Homura said. “But I’ll assume it’s just a technical rank until those three are out of limbo.”

“Correct,” Sarutobi said. “While Sasuke performed well during the invasion itself and learned a powerful technique, I’d like him to do some studying at the hospital before promotion...and well, he did next to nothing during his actual match.”

 “So we recommend him for ‘allowed field promotion after completion of hospital internship’?” Koharu asked, writing it down.

 “Yes,” Sarutobi said. “Hinata…I’m not sure she’s ready just yet—she’s a competent fighter, but not willing to act as a leader. What about Sakura?”

 “She displayed excellent strategy and was able to physically beat an opponent who should outclass her in taijutsu,” Homura said. “Combined with summoning and her use of fire techniques…I would recommend a promotion. Tenten I would wait a bit on, let her diversify a little more from what is currently a repertoire of exclusively weapon-use skills, though she is certainly eligible for a field promotion if warranted.”

 “That leaves us Lee, Neji, and Naruto…” Sarutobi said.

 “That Lee boy for certain,” Koharu said. “Tying a Hyuuga prodigy in taijutsu is nothing to sniff at.”

 “All right, so Lee is very likely…now, Neji and Naruto…”

 “The reports from jonin on Neji are mixed. Some worry about his mentality while others seem sure of it, I’d like to observe him just a little more before we decide. And Naruto…well, you know what the reaction will be, for one. Best let him get settled in to his new home before we announce it, should we decide to promote him,” Homura said.

 “Ah, that’s right, he’s moving today…of all the apartment complexes,” Sarutobi said, shaking his head.

.o.o.o.

 “Okay, Naruto, you get that room, Gaara and Kankuro are with you for now. Iruka’s up there, Temari, you’re there for now, and Mizuki and I have my room,” Tsubaki said. “Everyone got it?”

 The genin nodded and began to unpack Naruto’s salvaged things as the three chunin headed upstairs.

.o.o.o.

 “So, we finally have a plan for the ROOT children, then?” Sarutobi asked.

 “Indeed,” Homura agreed. “They can still use my house if they have to, though.”

 “All right. Dog, Hawk, get me Su Mizuki and Umino Iruka.”

.o.o.o.

 “What,” Iruka said flatly.

 “You and Mizuki are being promoted to jonin. After this Academy term ends in two weeks, we’re putting you in charge of deprogramming all of the children and teenagers from ROOT,” the Hokage told him. “Another group of teachers will round out the semester for you.”

 “ _What_?” Mizuki asked.

 “They’ll stay at my house, you will simply come over during the day,” Homura said. “And hopefully be able to reintegrate them into normal ninja life.”

 “But, but I-” Iruka stuttered.

 “You know _he’s_ been purposefully delaying a promotion, right?” Mizuki asked. “Since the Academy is pretty much his dream job and all?”

 “Yes. I’m willing to allow Iruka to teach there as a jonin if you succeed,” the Hokage said. “And you get the promotion you’ve been considering trying for, Mizuki.”

 “So…does this mean that Gaara, Temari, and Kankuro are being moved elsewhere?” Iruka asked.

 “Yes,” the Hokage said. “They will be organized as a temporary squad under Kisame until we know what is to become of them. He has artfully named them ‘Team .5’ and is preparing his house for them to stay.”

 “Team .5?” Iruka asked. “As in…half of one?”

 “Yes,” Koharu said. “He said he wasn’t naming another team after his sword and she wouldn’t let him name it after himself. And full numbers on the roster are for actual teams.”

 “So, are there…files on these kids we’ll be training?” Iruka asked.

 Homura grinned and held up a bag stuffed with paperwork. Mizuki groaned.

 “Screw getting married in November—Tsubaki and I are eloping _tomorrow_. Iruka, bring Naruto and make sure you both dress nice. I need to go tell Noriko—she got to be maid of honor, somehow, and might get mad if we don’t include her…”

 “Well, Sarutobi, I hope you feel like officiating a marriage tomorrow,” Koharu said, chuckling.

.o.o.o.

 “Holy…just look at all these,” Tsubaki sighed as she helped Iruka and Mizuki attempt to put the files in order. “So the stacks are least to most issues, right?”

 “Right,” Iruka said. “This Shin kid looks pretty normal, but his ‘brother’ Sai seems more off…and this Rue girl looks even worse…”

 “Tsubaki, are you sure you don’t mind what I told the Hokage?” Mizuki asked.

 “Are you kidding? At this rate we’d be lucky to get married by March—what are these seals?” Tsubaki said, examining a picture of one child’s tongue.

 “Intelligence suppression, used to keep secrets,” Iruka said. “Essentially, they talk about Danzou, the seal kills them. Maybe we _should_ have killed him…anyway Jiraiya and Naruto are going to help with those after they fix Gaara tonight.”

.o.o.o.

 “So they just said ‘screw it, we’re eloping’?” Temari asked.

 “Yup,” Naruto said. “So, Pervy Sage, diagnosis?”

 “I want to punch whoever made this seal. A lot,” Jiraiya said. “This is more a seal you'd use for sealing something in an object, not a person... Honestly, odd-point, not durable, too much mind-mixing even with your fix, absolutely no division of chakra whatsoever—hell, I can barely tell Gaara’s chakra from the tankuki’s right now…”

 “Can you fix it?” Kisame asked.

 “Probably, but he’ll need to sleep a bit more than average for a while,” Jiraiya said.

 “How long we talking?” Kankuro asked.

 “Just overly drowsy for a few days. Keep an eye on him and it’ll be fine,” Jiraiya said. “Okay, let me see…Kisame, where’s your chakra ink?”

 “He doesn’t have any,” Naruto said. “Here’s some of mine.”

 “Thank you,” Jiraiya said. “Okay, we’re going to move this from your neck to your back, gives me more room for precision, larger area you know…you still good?”

 “I am fine,” Gaara said. “Though the ink feels weird.”

 “Don’t make me knock you out because you get squirmy,” Jiraiya said.

 “Huh, I was a baby when I got my seal—guess your student the Fourth could handle squirmy better?” Naruto teased.

 “Nah, I know for a fact you were _not_ a squirmy baby,” Jiraiya said. “Sarutobi-sensei was shocked at how well-behaved you were, and as a matter of fact he wrote a whole letter just about that…probably because Asuma and his brothers were terrors as little kids…okay, here’s where the separation comes in. Tell me if you or Shukaku starts feeling pain from this…”

 Gaara nodded, trying not to move as Jiraiya quickly sketched over his back.

 “And...ta-da!” Jiraiya said, pushing a little chakra in. Gaara flinched slightly. “You good, kid?”

 “That just felt…odd. One moment…yes, he’s still there,” Gaara confirmed.

 “Odd is an understatement, you just got your entire chakra system separated from his,” Jiraiya said. “It’s closer to Naruto and the fox’s now, he can’t over-influence you, but neither of you starts going nuts from mental stress…and you look ready to drop now, so, Kankuro, be a good big brother and help him to bed...yep, he’s out.”

 “Will there be any side effects?” Temari asked as Kankuro picked up the out-cold Gaara.

 “Well, it’s hard to say…he’ll need to work on his chakra control a bit, get used to it being just his and not a mix,” Jiraiya said. “He’ll probably have better control now, though. Might need to work on his stamina, too, and maybe learn how to sleep regularly.”

 “Got it,” Temari said. “So, I think I’ll hit the hay too.”

 “Fine. You and Kankuro are getting up at six, though,” Kisame said. “We need to start training.”

 “We’re not really a genin team, you know,” Temari said.

 “Yes, but you’re _my_ pseudo genin team, and I say pseudo genin teams act just like real ones,” Kisame said.

 Jiraiya took Naruto by the shoulder, “And this is where we make our exit. Before either of them starts hitting.”

 “Totally with you,” Naruto said as a glaring match ensued.

.o.o.o.

 “Okay, I’m not sure why this wedding is booked at five a.m.,” Sarutobi sighed.

 “Because Iruka still has to teach today,” Mizuki said.

 “And my hospital shift didn’t end until midnight,” Tsubaki added. “So we couldn’t do it last night.”

 “Thank kami for caffeinated tea,” Noriko added, helping Tsubaki straighten her formal kimono.

 “All right, now, you two said you didn’t mind the short version—Konohamaru, leave the wedding documents alone,” Sarutobi said sternly.

 “Come on, buddy, stand with me,” Naruto said. “How long can it take Mizu-nii to get married, anyway?”

 Konohamaru wandered over, but paused in front of Tsubaki. He gave her a long look before turning to Mizuki, “Sensei, she’s too good for you.”

 “That’s it, I’m doing the short-short version before someone loses their mind,” Sarutobi said as Mizuki restrained himself from yelling at Konohamaru. “Su Mizuki, do you take this woman?”

 “I do.”

 “Grand. Tsubaki, do you consent to this man?”

 “I do?”

 “There, now we fill out the paperwork and you’re married,” Sarutobi said, pulling the form off his desk.

 “Noriko, why are you taking notes?” Iruka asked.

 “Oh, it’s for me and Itachi. My mom tends to be really ceremonial, and we want options if his mother can’t keep her under control,” Noriko said.  “So, where’s the honeymoon?”

 “The honeymoon is Naruto taking my place in class today and him and Iruka spending the night at Itachi’s place,” Mizuki said smugly.

 “YAY!” Konohamaru cheered. “Naruto-niichan’s going to teach us again!”

.o.o.o.

 “All right, Team 7, you’re short a member today so you may have first pick,” Sarutobi said as the genin teams came to the mission office hours later.

 Itachi shifted through the scrolls, “Here we go. Checking weapons shipments. Come on Sasuke, Sakura.”

 “I wanted that one,” Tenten sighed.

 “Come, my youthful students! We shall go aid the ration center in supply distribution!” Gai announced, taking another scroll.

 “Cleanup of Shinji Avenue,” Asume told his team.

 “And we’re helping with the wall,” Kurenai said.

 “What about us?” Temari asked Kisame.

 He grinned, “Clean the main village park!”

.o.o.o.

 “So, seals are based around the chakra-ink, which stores chakra so the seal can perform a specific function,” Naruto said. “With explosives, the function is for the chakra to release and go bang. Everyone got that?”

 Moegi raised a hand, “How do you make chakra ink?”

 “Well, that takes practice…making it wrong makes the ink go everywhere, right Iruka-nii?” Naruto asked.

 “Oh yes,” Iruka sighed. “Both of us learned that the hard way. You can also buy it, Moegi, but seals work better for people whose own chakra is in the ink instead of standard chakra ink.”

 “So, seals may look like a lot of fancy scribbles,” Naruto said. “And yes, that is kind of true. But various symbols do various things, like with hand signs. For example, you will never see this symbol,” he scribbled on the board, “in an explosive seal, since it exists solely to keep the chakra stable which exploding chakra isn’t.”

 “But…doesn’t it need to stay stable so you can carry the tags around?” Hanabi asked.

 “Yes, but you use a suppressor for that,” Naruto said. “Normally I use a basic suppressor, but stronger explosives need stronger ones.”

 “Cool,” most of the class said. Iruka chuckled and went back to coming up with ideas for the midterms.

.o.o.o.

 “You know, I should have guessed the kids from the desert might have issues in a normal park,” Kisame sighed.

 “I’m sorry I briefly abandoned the mission to mess with a fountain,” Kankuro sighed as he and Gaara rebuilt benches.

 “Or that I went on the spinning thing on the playground,” Gaara added.

 “ _And_ the slide,” Temari said as she continued clearing the walkways with her wind.

 “Shukaku asked nicely,” Gaara replied. “I think he likes them.”

 “It’s cool,” Kisame said, using Kusanagi to chop up fallen trees. “K-kun likes the jungle gym.”

 “Wow, how’d you know that?” Kankuro asked. “Gaara, sand this one down a bit, it’s got splinters.”

 “Samehada knows many things,” Kisame said mysteriously. “…And Naruto told Iruka who told Itachi who told me.”

.o.o.o.

 “Bye kids,” Baki said that afternoon at the gates.

 “Have a nice parole, sensei,” Temari said.

 “Get Dad kicked out,” Kankuro told him.

 “Duly noted,” Baki said. “Err, Gaara?”

 Gaara looked him in he eyes after releasing him from the hug. “Don’t die.”

 “…Thank you. Don’t give Kisame-san too much trouble,” Baki said. “Kisame…good luck.”

 “Tell me about it,” Kisame said.

.o.o.o.

 “So, anyone’s genin facing trauma?” Kakashi asked that night.

 “Lee has had a few nightmares—he is staying with me until we are sure he is over them,” Gai said. “Neji’s uncle reports that he seems fine outside of randomly checking on his cousins, and Tenten’s father has seen nothing out of the ordinary for such an event. Honestly I think Hiashi’s having more trouble than any of the kids—Neji said he and Hinata have to inform him every time they leave the compound and get back.”

 “Hinata is very stressed,” Kurenai said. “It was not a day she liked much...though she mentioned her father going a little overprotective too. Kiba’s just a little grossed out over what he had to do against Orochimaru, and Shino is…Shino. He just wants to know if Ibiki liked what he and Ino got out of their captive.”

 “Mine all seem fine,” Asuma said. “Though Shikamaru keeps going to play shogi with that Temari girl in his free time…”

 “Ah, when a young man’s boredom turns to fancy,” Gai sighed happily. “Itachi, your brother and his teammates?”

 Itachi shrugged, “Nothing much. Iruka helped Naruto and the Sand kids with any issues, Sasuke is having the occasional Orochimaru nightmare, and Sakura has had a few minor space-outs over the people she had to maim or kill. They seem to be…adjusting. We are having a sleepover in my parent’s den tonight to discuss things—Iruka is attending.”

 “You know, since Mizuki finally got married, Asuma and Kurenai are… _well_ ,” Kisame said, smirking as the two jonin glared at him, “and you’re engaged…we’re all going to gang up on Iruka about his love life any day now, aren’t we?”

 “We are?” Kakashi asked dryly.

 “We know better to ask you or Gai and Kisame has a date with some ANBU girl tomorrow that he met during the invasion,” Itachi said. “So we must target Iruka. Now…has anyone figured out his crush yet?”

 “I’ll bet he doesn’t even have one,” Asuma said. “If he does, he’s never acted on it.”

 “You don’t know Iruka like I do,” Itachi said. “ _Iron_ self-control. He could hide it, even from us…”

 “…Even from Naruto?” Kurenai suggested.

 “Now there’s an idea…” Kakashi agreed. “How busy will Iruka be with those ROOT kids again?”

.o.o.o.

 “So this ROOT thing starts in two weeks?” Itachi asked.

 “Yes, on the fifteenth,” Iruka sighed. “I’m going to want to borrow Naruto a bit, most likely.”

 “It’s fine. Sakura’s a chunin now and I just finished lining up Sasuke’s hospital internship—we’ll be good,” Itachi said. “I love that Sakura knows how to make smores in the oven…”

 “They are good,” Naruto agreed around a mouthful.

 “Naruto, chew, swallow, then talk,” Iruka said.

 Suddenly the door swung open and someone rushed inside. Everyone was on their feet as the person grabbed Itachi by the collar and picked him up, only to relax as they recognized Shisui.

 “What did I miss, damn it?” the older Uchiha yelled.

 “A brief invasion,” Itachi said as his cousin shook him. “Put me down.”

 “I missed a _freaking_ **_invasion_**?” Shisui said. “I go to kill some Yakuza and miss an _invasion_?”

 “Yes,” Itachi said. “Please put me down.”

 “It was crazy!” Sasuke said. “There was Orochimaru, and the Kazekage, and Akatsuki, and giant snakes-”

 “So intense,” Sakura agreed.

 “How did I miss that!” Shisui yelled, shaking Itachi again.

 Itachi sighed, “Cousin, put me down or I’ll be forced to stab you.”

 “Oh, sorry.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lot of moving and shaking going on! 
> 
> In regards to Gaara's seal: since somehow at one point Sukaku was sealed in a kettle, it is my headcanon what when the previous host died there was no suitable host and Chiyo managed to bamf! up a solution that could very temporarily hold it in an object until they came up with something. However, both she and the Kazekage didn't realize that using a similar seal on a baby was a bad idea (baby =/= tea kettle) and that's why Gaara had so many issues compared to Naruto in regards to power incontinence. Chiyo is not and has never been called a sealing expert (just puppetry and medical expert) so I always headcanoned that she just did the best she could under Rasa's orders and clearly regrets her role in it once we see her in Shippuden. 
> 
> Next time: one of my fav chapters, with cuteness galore: Gaara and the Konohamaru Corps!


	34. Gaara and the Konohamaru Corps

 “…Just you today?” Kisame asked.

 Gaara nodded, “Temari is participating in a wind jutsu demonstration for Asuma-san, and Kankuro is filling in for Kiba on Team 8 because Kiba hurt his leg and needed a day’s rest.”

 “Huh…still want the mission?” Kisame asked. “I mean, you aren’t so drowsy anymore, so I guess you can go it alone…”

 “If it needs doing, I do not mind,” Gaara said. “I have had enough rest.”

 “Okay, it’s a C-rank for today from two to six in the afternoon,” Kisame said. “Nothing too bad.”

 “That seems like an oddly short C-rank,” Gaara said.

 “Well, you’re just watching the Hokage’s grandson and his two friends for the afternoon,” Kisame said. “Mention you’re Naruto’s friend and they won’t give you too much trouble—just make _sure_ to keep an eye on them. They can run halfway across the village if you’re not careful.”

 “I see,” Gaara said, reading the mission form. “So I retrieve them from the Academy, let them roam, and make sure they remain unharmed?”

 “That’s the gist of it,” Kisame said. “Well, sole member of Team .5, on to your mission…or lunch then your mission it’s a bit early,” Kisame mused.

 “Yes sir,” Gaara said.                                      

.o.o.o.

 “Hello Gaara,” Iruka said. “Did you need something?”

 “I…think I’m early,” Gaara said, looking for a clock. “My apologies, I can wait until you are done teaching.”

 “What did you need?” Mizuki asked. “Class is pretty much over.”

 Gaara shifted nervously and handed over his mission form.

 “Ah,” Iruka said. “I see. Konohamaru, Moegi, Udon, you’re leaving with Gaara today.”

 “What happened to Ebisu-sensei?” a girl with pointy pigtails asked.

 “He’s needed on a reconstruction project right now, so you’ll go with Gaara—he’s a friend of Naruto’s,” Iruka said, patting Gaara on the shoulder. “Everyone, tonight’s homework is the chapter on chakra control. Make sure to read it—it’ll be on next week’s midterm!”

 “And then report cards come out,” Mizuki added. “So study! Class dismissed.”

 Gaara was approached by the pigtailed girl, a boy with glasses, and the boy with the scarf that Kankuro had tried to throttle over a month ago. “Well…how about we get something to eat and you introduce yourselves?”

 ‘ **Oh, this should be fun,** ’ Shukaku chuckled.

 ‘Quiet, you,’ Gaara mentally hissed as the three followed him out the door.

.o.o.o.

 They settled at a small sweet stand. The kids ordered dango and Gaara got some sweet tea. “So…” the genin began. “How about you introduce yourselves?”

 “Are you really Naruto-niichan’s friend?” the boy with the scarf asked.

 “Yes,” Gaara said. “We actually have quite a bit in common.”

 ‘ **Boy, you’d better not be comparing me to that fox!** ’ Shukaku grumbled.

 ‘I _said_ shut up,’ Gaara thought back.

 “You don’t seem a lot like him,’ the girl said.

 “…How about you all tell me your names,” Gaara said, changing the subject. “I _think_ you’re Konohamaru,” he said, nodding at the boy with the scarf, “but I’m not sure about the other two…and I don’t want to point and say ‘you’ all day.”

 “I’m Konohamaru,” the boy with the scarf agreed. “She’s Moegi, he’s Udon. Are you a chunin?”

 “No. I am a genin. My older sister was promoted, though,” Gaara replied. “My brother required my aid against his opponent, and so we both accepted our disqualification.”

 “You _cheated_?” Moegi asked.

 “Yes. It was part of the plan we made with the Konoha Twelve,” Gaara said. “There will be other exams.”

 “So, how did you and Naruto-niichan become friends?” Konohamaru asked.

 “It was his idea,” Gaara admitted. “Naruto has a very…magnetic personality. He is also very kind. He is hard not to be friends with.”

 “Oh,” Konohmaru said.

 “Um…Gaara-san?” Udon asked. “You sided with Konoha in the invasion…but you’re from Suna…right?”

 “Yes,” Gaara said. “My siblings and I agreed to return to Suna if my father is ousted as Kazekage for…his poor decision skills,” he hedged, trying not to go into too much detail with small children.

 “The Kazekage is your dad?” Konohamaru asked.

 “Yes, but he is not a good leader like your grandfather,” Gaara said. “I would prefer not to talk about him.”

 “Okay, then what do you do as a ninja?” Moegi asked. “I know Naruto can make solid clones and Mizuki-sensei specializes in weapons and Iruka-sensei likes traps…what do you do?”

 “I control sand,” Gaara said, letting some swirl above his hand. “It also provides an automatic shield against attacks.”

 “Cool!” all three kids said.

 Gaara blinked, not entirely used to that reaction, even if it was the general one he received in Konoha. “Err, thank you.”

 “Gaara, Gaara, do you know how to play ninja tag?” Konohamaru asked.

 “I-I’m not so good at games,” Gaara said. “How about you play and I’ll watch?” He left some money for the food on the counter.

 “Come on Gaara, play with us!” Moegi cheered.

 “Please?” Konohamaru asked, clasping his hands.

 Gaara paused. This was getting surreal. He shook his head slightly as images of a small him, begging to be included, seemingly superimposed themselves over the kids. “Um…sure. But…how about a simpler game?”

 “Let’s go to the playground by the Inuzuka compound!” Moegi said. “We can go on the swings and the jungle gym!”

 “Yay!” Udon said. “I love the swings!”

 “Come on, Gaara!” Konohamaru cheered, grabbing the redhead’s hand.

 Gaara let himself be led, wondering just what he was feeling.

 ‘ **I know I messed you up a little, but do you really not understand ‘happy’ kid?** ’

 Gaara frowned slightly…was he happy?

.o.o.o.

 “This was so awesome!” Konohamaru said, hopping off the swings. “You’re so cool Gaara! Most of the big kids don’t want to play catch and tag and stuff, but you’re awesome just like Naruto-niichan!”

 Gaara smiled slightly, “Thank you.”

 “Moegi!”

 “Mom!” Moegi cheered. “Here we are!”

 The woman came up, “Oh, good, you’re not all covered in mud this time thank you um…” she trailed off, staring at Gaara.

 “Gaara,” Moegi prompted.

 “What an…interesting name,” Moegi’s mother said. Gaara flinched slightly. “Come on, Udon, I’m dropping you off. Konohmaru, are you getting walked home?”

 “Nah, granddad said he’s pick me up,” Konohamaru said. “Don’t worry, Gaara-niichan can keep me company!” He hugged Gaara’s legs.

 “All right,” Moegi’s mother said, leading the other two off.

 “Why was she so weird about your name, anyway?” Konohamaru asked. “It just means ‘pattern.’”

 “No, that would be Gara,” Gaara said. “ _My_ name means…err…self-loving demon.”

 Konohamaru sighed. “You know, they need to stop letting moms name their kids when they’re on pain medicine. That’s how my dad thinks I got named Konohamaru, you know. Weird name, huh?”

 “You’re named after a very nice village,” Gaara said.

 “Well, I’m glad you think that.”

 “Jii-chan!” Konohamaru cheered. “You came! I had a great day with Gaara! So did Moegi and Udon!”

 “I see,” the Hokage said, smiling. Gaara wondered why his father had never smiled like that. This man had borne the pressure of leading a village far longer and still could. “Well, Gaara, care to do an old man a favor and repeat this tomorrow?”

 “Sure,” Gaara said. “…No problem.”

 “Thank you, my boy,” the Hokage said. “Oh, we should have news from Suna by the end of the month, at the latest.”

 “Thank you,” Gaara said, watching the two walk off.

 He needed to talk to someone…someone who wasn’t the annoying, loudmouth tanuki in his head.

 Maybe he could do the Naruto and Sasuke thing…

.o.o.o.

 “What do you want to talk about?” Kankuro asked, setting Crow aside.

 “I…think I was…happy today,” Gaara said.

 “You… _think_ you were happy?” Kankuro asked.

 “I’m not really…used to being happy,” Gaara said. “So I’m not sure.”

 “Hmm,” Kankuro said. “What were you doing?”

 “I was assigned to babysit the Hokage’s grandson and his friends. We played,” Gaara said.

 “Well, when you were little you wanted to play with the other kids, right?” Kanuro said. “Maybe you were glad you got to play.”

 “…I like playing,” Gaara said. “And Konohamaru didn’t think my name was scary.”

 “Eh, it’s still beats being named after a handball game like Temari,” Kankuro said, smirking.

 “…That was a joke, right?”

 “I was trying to make you feel better,” Kankuro said. “Maybe we should talk to Itachi and Sasuke about what brothers are supposed to do…”

 “I think you’re doing okay,” Gaara said. “Circumstances accounted for.”

 “Aw, aren’t you sweet,” Kankuro said, ruffling his hair. “So, I don’t have a mission for tomorrow—can I go with you to hang with the kids?”

 “Sure,” Gaara said.

.o.o.o.

 “So, what are we going to do today, Gaara-niichan?” Konohamaru asked. “Can we play ninja-tag?”

 “Actually, my brother had a different idea,” Gaara said, nodding at Kankuro. “Do any of you know how ninja puppets work?”

 “Ninjas can use puppets?” Udon asked.

 “Taking that as a no,” Kankuro said. “I have some of the simpler ones with me—I use them for chakra control,” he pulled a few small puppets out of a bag, “but you can also use them as toys, and it’s good chakra exercise for kids, too.”

 “You fight with these things?” Konohamaru asked, taking a horse puppet.

 “No, Kankuro’s battle puppet, Crow, is as large as he is, and has six arms,” Gaara said.

 “ _Cool_ ,” the trio of kids said.

 “So, once you can move them, we can find a sandbox and play out some story,” Kankruo explained. “Sound fun?”

 “…I get to be the hero and rescue Gaara!” Konohamaru cheered.

 “What?” Gaara asked.

 “You heard him, little brother, you’re now our damsel in distress,” Kankuro said.

 “I will be a _ninja_ in distress, thank you,” Gaara huffed.

.o.o.o.

 “Oh no! Quicksand!” Konohamaru gasped as Gaara manipulated a portion of the sandbox to start sinking Udon’s puppet. “Udon, hold still! I’ll pull you out!” His horse puppet wandered over and pulled Udon’s bear out.

 “How come you can move five at once?” Moegi asked Kankuro.

 “Trust me, five of these little guys is _nothing_ compared to Crow,” Kankuro said. “And don’t get me started on how awesome someone like Elder Chiyo can be…sneak attack!”

 “It doesn’t work when you say it,” Udon said, moving his bear out of the way.

 “Oh darn, I am still in peril,” Gaara said, making his snake puppet flail slightly.

 “Gaara, use chakra to move it, not your sand,” Kankuro scolded, one of his puppets hitting the snake.

 “Technically my sand is powered by chakra, and Jiraiya-sama instructed me to practice,” Gaara replied.

 “I’ve got you!” Moegu cheered as her tiger pinned down one of Kanuro’s puppets.

 “Aw, he’s dead,” Kankuro said, pulling the figure out of the sandbox. “Four to go, kids!”

 “Gotcha!” Konohamaru said, his horse running over another one of Kankuro’s.

 Gaara chuckled, “And he is _definitely_ dead.”

 “He _could_ just have broken bones,” Kankuro said, pulling the puppet out anyway.

 “Oh, there you are!”

 “Hey Temari,” Kankuro said. “We’ve got about another half-hour to this mission. Mind waiting?”

 “Mission?” Temari asked.

 “They’ve got to watch us until six,” Udon said. “So we’re playing to rescue Gaara’s puppet from Kankuro!”

 “Rescue my little brother?” Temari asked. “I’d better help!”

 “Uh oh,” Kankuro said.

 Temari pulled out a small, decorative fan, “Kids, a mysterious wind spirit has granted you one tornado!”

 “Use it on the dragon!” Konohamaru said.

 “Oh boy,” Kankuro said as Temari flicked her wrist, sending the dragon puppet flying. “If you broke it, you’re paying for replacement parts!”

 “Let’s get them!” Konohamaru cheered.

 “Oh, look, I’ve been saved,” Gaara said smugly as Kankuro’s remaining two puppets were ganged up on and taken out.

 “My evil is no match for you!” Kankuro declared dramatically. “I bow before your might! Ha-ha-ha!” The others started laughing as well, even Gaara.

 “Can we play again tomorrow?” Moegi asked.

 “I’m afraid not,” the Hokage said, coming up. “Tomorrow morning is going to be the memorial day for the invasion.”

 “But…jii-chan…tomorrow is Naruto-niichan’s birthday!” Konohamaru said.

 “Yes, and last I checked his party was tomorrow night,” the Hokage said. “Come on, don’t you want to get his gift wrapped?”

 “Hokage-sama…do you know of anything we could get him?” Kankuro asked. “We didn’t know, and well…”

 “We would like to get him a present,” Gaara said.

 “Well, here’s a good staple: ramen coupons,” the Hokage told him. “Scrolls for seals and new kunai are usually liked as well—I promise you though, he’ll be happiest just having you there.”

 “Speaking of ramen, how about we go to Ichiraku’s?” Temari asked. “I got some very nice pay for clearing debris today!”

 “Sure, come on, Gaara!” Kankuro said, re-bagging his puppets and slinging his arm over Gaara’s shoulders.

 “Coming,” Gaara said, leaning into the contact. ‘You feel like ramen?’

 ‘ **Only until you’re old enough for sake, brat**.’

 ‘Saw that one coming…they’re good kids.’

 ‘ **No wonder they like you and Naruto. Now let me nap already, your damn playing was too loud!** ’

 ‘Sure,’ Gaara thought, before heading off to dinner with his siblings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I give you.....FLUFF! All the fluff for Gaara. He deserves it.


	35. Memorable

“Are you sure this is okay?” Naruto asked. “I mean I don’t want to offend your parents or anything and I can totally have my birthday tomorrow instead of tonight-”

 “You won’t offend anyone, Naruto,” Iruka said, patting him on the head. “Come on, we’re almost there.”

 “Then you can see mine,” Mizuki said. “Not too far off.”

 “Here we go,” Iruka said, stopping in front of two grave markers. “Mom, Dad, I…this is Naruto. He’s my little brother. I know I probably should have brought him and Mizuki around sooner—oh, Mizuki’s the big brother, even though I’m way more mature-”

 “He likes to tell himself that,” Mizuki informed the graves. “Don’t worry, I’ll keep your little Iruka and our little Naruto safe and sound!”

 “ _Mizuki_!” Iruka huffed. “Mom, Dad, please don’t listen to him. Anyway, you’ll never guess some of what we’ve been though lately…”

.o.o.o.

 “Hi Uncle,” Sasuke said. “I hope you don’t mind me calling you that, but all I know is you were some kind of cousin to my mom and Kakashi’s age, so I’m going with Uncle.”

 He took a deep breath, “I guess we’re a lot alike…odd Uchiha. You made chunin without the Sharingan. I almost did, but then it activated right before the preliminaries—really weird story there, Naruto had chakra suppression seals in the area and my eyes went nuts and I’m still not totally used to using them… Anyway, Kakashi said he and you were in the last Konoha exam that had preliminaries. I guess it’s every dozen years or so, right Uncle Obito?”

.o.o.o.

 Tobi frowned. He usually broke into the village this time of year to see Rin and tell her how the plan was coming. Most people were too busy privately mourning the Fourth or celebrating the Kyuubi’s defeat to come here today.

 This October tenth, the cemetery was _full_.

 “-right, Uncle Obito?”

 Tobi started, but thankfully remained hidden. He saw a small Uchiha with stuck-up hair sitting by a gravestone…his gravestone.

 “I like being a medic though, so I guess I’m happy being weird,” the boy continued. “My brother—he’s also my sensei—thinks I’m doing really well. I even get to intern at the hospital now, and the doctors are really nice! Dr. Bato thinks I’ll be able to handle shattered bones soon. I can already do broken and bruised ones—Sakura hurts her knuckles a lot, especially when she gets into it with Lee or Kiba, and well, _they’ve_ gotten a few broken ones along the way when we have accidents…”

 Tobi watched, even the most nihilist parts of him intrigued by the idea of a _medic_ Uchiha. He’d have to keep this one the same in the dream world…

 “So…I know you died when you were my age and all…can you watch over me and my team?” the boy asked the grave marker. “I mean, Itachi’s a great sensei, and he’s probably one of the nicest people alive and one of the strongest, but with those creepy red-cloud guys running around, Naruto and the rest of us need all the people looking out that we can get, you know?”

 Naruto? Sensei’s so—the jinchuuriki? How interesting…

 “Oh, and if you if you know any subtle fire techniques, can you give me some kind of dream epiphany? A lot of people are thinking about hiring my team to get rid of Kakashi’s dirty books.”

 Tobi almost fell out of the tree at that.

.o.o.o.

 “It’s been quite a year, Hizashi,” Hiashi said. “I’m pretty sure once the extra deliberations are over Neji will make chunin, but you should be proud of him either way.”

 Neji ducked his head in embarrassment. “I…I’m glad I now know the truth of your sacrifice, Father.”

 “We’re going to unite the family, somehow,” Hiashi continued. “As it turns out, while I was working on it on my own, Hinata and Neji were bouncing ideas about the Caged Bird seal off their friend Naruto. He’s unorthodox, but that may be what we need—oh, and he and Hinata might start dating soon, should she confess her feelings.”

 “Breathe, neesama,” Hanabi instructed a beet-red Hinata.

 “Neji, on the other hand, well, he might like his teammate Tenten-”

 “Uncle, you’re trying to make up for lost time, aren’t you?” Neji muttered, embarrassed.

 “Yes, yes I am. And Hizashi, you should hear about Sarutobi Konohamaru and Hanabi-”

 Hanabi rolled her eyes, “You mean Konohamaru and _Moegi_ , father.”

.o.o.o.

 Having finally got his balance back, Tobi watched as the very, very strange young Uchiha was joined by a pink haired girl and sensei’s…the jinchuuriki.

 “Sasuke, you talking to Obito?” the jinchuuriki asked.

 “Yeah. Can’t ever do it at the memorial stone, because Kakashi hogs it,” the Uchiha said. “Itachi told me to start listing people I know who’ve died in combat at him, but…well, that’s just Obito.”

 “…Well, we know Naruto’s mom died in combat, right?” the girl said. “That’s what Shikamaru found.”

 “And Ruka-nii and Mizu-nii’s parents, too,” the jinchuuriki said. “Don’t forget them.”

 “…I think that might be stretching it,” the Uchiha said. “So, Anko confirm if she’d give us the mission or not?”

 “She’s trying to get some more money. Burning Kakashi’s books would be an A-rank,” the girl said.

 “Oh, no, Sakura. S-rank, definitely.”

 Tobi’s eye narrowed at Kakashi’s appearance.

 “Hi, not-a-sensei,” the jinchuuriki said. “You ever going to get a team?”

 “If they do, I might have to put them on book guarding duty,” Kakashi said. “So, you all making your rounds?”

 “Well…I came over here looking for you, actually,” the jinchuuriki said. “We can’t find my mom’s grave.”

 “…She does have a marker here. Use the memorial stone,” Kakashi said.

 “Oh, okay,” the jinchuuriki said. “Hey, Kakashi, did you know my mom?”

 “A little,” Kakashi said. “Friend of a friend kind of thing.”

 Tobi rolled his eye. More liked ‘married-to-my-sensei’…

 “Huh,” Naruto said. “Well, you’re coming to my party, right? It’s at eight tonight! The old man told me Neji and I can get our chunin vests, _finally_!”

 “I heard party!”

 “Idiot, we found out yesterday!”

 “Kankuro, Temari, don’t argue.”

 Tobi watched as the Ichibi jinchuuriki and his siblings approached the four. The girl with the pigtails looked at Kakashi. “Kisame got a mission, says you have to watch us for a week.”

 “Hey, now you have a team!” the pink haired girl said.

 “If I could please be left alone with my best friend’s grave, that would be _wonderful_ ,” Kakashi said dryly.

 Tobi ran.

.o.o.o.

 “Fine, fine,” Naruto said. “You can pick your team up at my party, okay?”

 “Sure. You accept unwrapped gifts, right?” Kakashi asked.

 “Yeah. What is it with some ninjas and wrapping?” Naruto asked Sasuke as the six kids headed off.

 “All I know is one time Dad tried to wrap something for Mom, and I came in to find Itachi laughing at him because there were bits of ribbon and paper everywhere—and none on the gift right,” Sasuke said.

 “Baki gave me a wrapped present once,” Kankuro said. “…He wrapped it in a really long roll of gauze.”

 “Huh,” Naruto said. “Okay, so we know it’s not just limited to Konoha…”

.o.o.o.

 Sarutobi smiled as he entered the house. This was definitely Uzumaki Naruto’s birthday party.

 Naruto was sitting on a table with Kankuro and Crow, working on a large scroll to presumably seal the puppet in, with Konohamaru watching, fascinated. Iruka was being glared at by Kakashi—oh, he’d stolen Kakashi’s book and was giving him the riot act about smut at children’s parties. Gai and Kisame were leading several of the kids in party games.

 And then there was Mizuki, who passed out party-poppers to anyone who asked from an absurdly large box. As a result, his entrance was unnoticed due to the noise.

 “Check this out!” Kiba cheered, holding up a paper-mache crown he’d gotten out of a popper.

 Akamaru barked and jingled a mini-tambourine he’d gotten.

 “Oh, Hokage-sama!” It was Tsubaki. “You’re just in time for sweet buns!”

 Noriko called over everyone, “Hokage-sama is here!”

 Neji and Naruto were instantly alert.

“Well, it’s very nice to be here,” Sarutobi said.

 “Hi granddad! Don’t worry, Naruto made me _promise_ not to use sealing scrolls to fake cleaning my room!” Konohamaru called.

 About half the room dissolved into snickers.

 “Good to see you sir,” Itachi said.

 “And you as well,” Sarutobi said, taking a free chair. “My my, what a shogi game we have here. I don’t think I’ve ever seen so few pieces on the board.”

 “Because Shikamaru is a bastard,” Temari said, considering her next move.

 “A bastard who has you beaten, even though you don’t know it,” Shikamaru replied.

 “All right, settle down,” Noriko said, squeezing next to Itachi on the couch. “You should have seen the last round, Hokage-sama.”

 “Or those balance games Gai brought over,” Mizuki snickered. “Gaara and Lee ended up in a Twister death match.”

 “And then I almost passed out from being upside down too long,” Gaara said from an armchair.

 “It was deeply impressive, my friend! I assure you!” Lee said, giving Gaara a thumbs-up.

 “You all might need to plan the entertainment next time the daimyo comes by,” Sarutobi mused. “Anyway, you know why I’m here. First off, Happy Birthday Naruto!”

 “Thanks, Old Man,” Naruto said, grinning.

 “Second,” Sarutobi said as Naruto and Neji looked very, very eager. “…Intelligence reports indicate that the Fourth Kazekage will most likely be removed from power in a couple of weeks.”

 “YES!” Kankuro cheered, rushing over and hugging Gaara.

 “And thirdly, let us congratulate our two new chunin, Naruto and Neji,” Sarutobi said, pulling out two vests. “As with the other new promotions, you will not only be taking missions with your teams, but with chunin selected for specific assignments. Serve Konoha well, boys.”

 “Thank you, Hokage-sama,” Neji said. Naruto didn’t say anything, he just grinned widely.

 “Now then, there is one final matter,” Sarutobi said. “Naruto, from here out you are assigned to meet with me one afternoon a week to learn about the running of this village.”

 “What?” Naruto asked.

 “Naruto, he’s saying you get to learn about being Hokage!” Sasuke said excitedly. Sakura cheered and hugged them both.

 “R-really?” Naruto asked.

 Sarutobi ruffled his hair, “Well, we have to find out if you’re really up to wearing this hat one day, aren’t we? And you seemed to have things well in hand with this lot during the invasion…”

 “Chouji, I think your 108 Ramen Recipies cookbook just got blown out of the water,” Ino said.

 “Guess he really is the Future Hokage now!” Tenten said happily as Temari whistled loudly.

 The party ran late into the night, with everyone agreeing one thing: Sarutobi had chosen well.

.o.o.o.

 “So, Team 7 is to help with your early days at this?” Itachi asked Iruka a few days later.

 “Just the first few,” Iruka confirmed. “Mostly to assess stability and because we want more than one medic on hand.”

 “So, these ROOT kids are…like Haku was?” Sakura asked, going by Itachi’s explanation.

 “Yes, but more so,” Itachi said. “So, we are going to help Iruka and Mizuki at their new jobs for a little bit before we go back to missions and our extra training.”

 “Okay, here we go,” Iruka said, entering the “classroom” that had been Homura’s den. There were about thirty kids and teens inside, most of whom were fidgety.

 Homura cleared his throat, “Everyone, these are Mizuki and Iruka. They are going to be your teachers. With them are Team 7, a four man cell.”

 The ROOT group mostly just looked a bit nervous. Homura motioned Mizuki and Iruka over. “I’ve done some observation—they’re more comfortable with with direct orders and tasks than vagueness, and one of them mildly panicked when my daughter-in-law hugged her.”

 “Oh boy,” Mizuki said.

 “Well, here we go,” Iruka said. “Hello, my name is Iruka and I’ll be your sensei along with Mizuki. I look forward to getting to know all of you and helping you become productive ninja for Konoha.”

 “Isn’t that the Academy intro speech?” Sasuke asked quietly.

 “Yep,” Sakura said.

 “All right,” Iruka said. “Let’s see if we can get a roll call…”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tobi cameo! And Naruto's getting Hokage lessons, yay!


	36. Deprogramming Roots

 “Okay, day one with the zombie children went rather well,” Mizuki said. “They’re better behaved than Konohamaru at least.”

 “Good plan with those forms,” Iruka said. “Getting them to think about things like favorite colors, foods, and such should be helpful.”

 “Orange, ramen, become Hokage, seals, and hugs,” Naruto said, reading off his sample answers.

 “So, you and Sakura will help with the main group tomorrow,” Mizuki said. “While Itachi plays security-guard in case of trouble and Sasuke and Tsubaki pray they don’t have to heal anyone.”

.o.o.o.                                

 “Very good,” Mizuki said. “Sai, about your color question…why all of them?”

 The pale boy shrugged, “I do not like or dislike any color more than any other. I use all of them when drawing, so it was more logical than to say none.”

 “Okay,” Mizuki said. “Roku, same question: why all food?”

 “You never know when you will eat next. All food is therefore good,” Roku said.

 “…Okay,” Mizuki said. “Shin, very nice dream. You like poetry?”

 Shin nodded, “Mostly haiku, though I’m progressing to longer forms.”

 “That’s great,” Iruka said. “Okay, so, we put you in four groups, and you’ll rotate throughout today. Group one will go with Mizuki, group two with me, group three with Naruto, and group four with Sakura.”

.o.o.o.

 “So you are not related to your brothers either?” Shin asked Naruto.

 “Nope,” Naruto said.

 “I told Sai it was possible,” Shin said. “He did not believe me.”

 “I see,” Naruto said. “Tenshi, Gumo, Rika, Ni, any thoughts on Shin’s concept of family?”

.o.o.o.

 “So…you wish to…see my drawings?” Sai asked.

 “Yes,” Iruka said.

 “Why? They are unimportant.”

 “Sai, you’re bringing your drawings just like Rue is bringing her calligraphy, understand?”

 “Yes, I understand that I am to do it…is there a reason, though?”

.o.o.o.

 “And this is pretty much the best flowchart I can make describing various friend relationships,” Sakura said. “Note how you can be friends and rivals, like me and Ino or Neji and Lee, or even friends and not like each other that much, like Iruka and Kakashi.”

 “But from your descriptions on other relationships, could Iruka and Kakashi not be suffering from the U-S-T?” Rei asked.

 “…That is either impossible or brilliant,” Sakura said, looking over the chart.

.o.o.o.

 “Now, who here understands the Will of Fire?” Mizuki asked, going for basics.

 “You should be willing to be sacrificed, metaphorically burnt as fuel for the sake of the village?” Raito asked.

 “…Not exactly…” Mizuki said.

.o.o.o.

 “Day three, teacher’s log…what the hell am I doing?” Mizuki sighed.

 “It might help to write that instead of saying it,” Iruka said, making his own notes.

 “Well, Sakura helped them get a handle on friendship, though apparently Rei thinks you and Kakashi have some unresolved sexual tension,” Mizuki said.

 “W-what?” Iruka blurted out. “Where did she get that idea?”

 “I don’t know…it does kind of fit…” Mizuki said. “I mean, outside of your violent hate for Icha-Icha.”

 “I don’t hate the series, I hate people reading it around _kids_!” Iruka said.

 “…So you might like Kakashi, is what you’re saying?”

 “Shut up, Mizuki, you’re being ridiculous,” Iruka said. “Come on, we have a job to do.”

 Mizuki rolled his eyes—and Iruka had called him a tsundere!

.o.o.o.

 “So…what you’re saying is…feelings matter,” Sai said, flipping through the book Iruka had given him. “Interesting.”

 “Shin, progress?” Iruka asked.

 Shin shrugged, “Well, he’s fake-smiling less. That worth anything?”

 “A bit,” Iruka said. “So, why are you, well…more normal?”

 “No idea,” Shin said. “Why?”

 “Because it would be _helpful_ ,” Mizuki said.

 “Well, I’d like to help, but I don’t know how I managed to fit normal better than the others,” Shin said. “Maybe it’s because I got a lot of espionage missions…”

 “Sure, why not?” Mizuki asked, noting that down.

.o.o.o.

 “Any progress?” Sarutobi asked.

 “Well,” Homura said. “Introducing them to fiction seems to have helped, though Sai won’t stop critiquing any and all illustrations if he feels like it. I think Shin, Raito, Eru, and Rika might manage to pass a psyche evaluation by now, but…they’re going to need more time on the rest. A lot more. And Iruka is still trying to finish the paperwork so they can get library cards so his stops being used instead.”

 “And mine,” Naruto piped up from where he’d been shadowing Sarutobi. “Rue gave me a late fee _already_.”

 “Right,” Homura agreed. “Also, exposing them to Naruto seems to help. Same with Itachi, and I think Lee might work too—so long as he doesn’t mention youth.”

 “So, what, approve a C-rank for me, Itachi, and Lee?” Naruto asked.

 “Let’s see if you can figure out how to write up the form for the mission,” Sarutobi said, nodding.

.o.o.o.

 “I’m never getting that week off at this rate,” Itachi said.

 “But Itachi-sensei, do you not wish to aid our fellow ninja?” Lee asked.

 “Lee, you don’t know what we’re getting into,” Itachi advised. “I have…heard things. Mostly from Mizuki, which means exaggeration very well may have happened, but still… _things_.”

 “What sort of things?” Lee asked as they entered Homura’s house.

 “Admittedly, nothing about Naruto fighting with illustrations,” Itachi said as Naruto wrestled with some living ink animals. “Iruka? Do we want to know?”

 “No. No you do not,” Iruka confessed. “Anyway, Lee, we’re going to see how you interact with some of the taijutsu specialists, and Itachi, you’ve got some of the younger kids.”

 “What, do you want me to start a second summer camp in here?” Itachi asked.

 “…If you could on what’s left of our budget, that would be great,” Iruka admitted.

.o.o.o.

 “Hello, Kakashi!”

 “Hello, Gai,” Kakashi said as he sent off Team .5. Thankfully Kisame had returned, and could take back the Suna kids tomorrow. “You seem short one youthful student.”

 “Ah, yes, Lee is helping with the rehabilitation of the former children of ROOT,” Gai said. “I am so proud of him! Besides, since Itachi is with him, I can take Sasuke or Sakura if we need a third member.”

 “Have you three heard how the rehab’s going?” Kakashi asked.

 “…Interestingly,” Neji said. “Apparently most everything is taken literally by the patients.”

 “And remember: that’s coming from Lee, aka Mr. Literal,” Tenten added. “So, we’re guessing worse cases than Gaara, multiplied by however many kids they have to deal with.”

 “Sounds riveting,” Kakashi said.

 “Yes, it is most interesting!” Gai agreed. “Even if Lee tends to come back a bit bruised most days.”

 “Lee’s coming back bruised?” Kakashi asked. “Wow. Wonder how that happens.”

.o.o.o.

 “Ow…” Lee muttered.

 “Sorry. I thought that was a challenge to combat,” Rue said.

 “No, it was a ‘good job’ clap on the shoulder,” Lee replied, picking himself up.

 “…So you _did_ hit me,” the younger girl said.

 “Not really,” Lee said. “It was an affectionate gesture.”

 “Oh,” Rue said. “Wait.” She held out a chart, “Where on Sakura-san’s chart would you place said gesture?”

 “Um…friendly acquaintance,” Lee said, eying the very, very detailed paper. He liked how Sakura had noted that he and Neji were “friendly rivals” while he and Gaara were “friends who spar.” Most people didn’t get the difference. “…Why does it say UST between Iruka and Kakashi?”

 “Because Rei and Sakura talked it over and agreed that was a good term for the connector,” Rue said, turning it back around. “Eru and Raito said something called ‘BST’ would fit better, but were corrected by Sakura-san.”

 “I see,” Lee said. “Wait! I have an idea!” He ran off.

 Rue looked after him. “I take it the idea is not for me?”

.o.o.o.

 “All right,” Mizuki said. “Based on a copy of the relationship chart made by Sakura, we’re going to have you all define your relationships with each other. We’ll call on a pair and have them decide what fits…so, Rei and Sai?”

 “I think we fit the ‘friendly acquaintances’ link such as the one between Shiusi-san and Kakashi-san,” Sai said, looking over a copy of the chart.

 “Or maybe just acquaintances,” Rei mused.

 “No, for we are cordial to each other, which means we are friendly,” Sai argued. “At least going by our standards, which as Iruka-sensei has noted, are a bit different.”

 “Okay, Friendly Acquaintances it is,” Iruka said. “Hmm…Rika and Rue.”

 “She fits the older sister mentor sort,” Rue said. “I suppose…or perhaps the ‘cool older sister’ such as designated by Sakura-san towards Uchiha Noriko.”

 Rika nodded, “Close enough.”

 “Good,” Iruka said. “Eru and Raito?”

 “I think we’re in the BST section, such as Shikamaru and Temari,” Eru said. “Originally, though, we were UST, like you and Kakashi-san.”

 “Okay, first off, I do _not_ have unresolved sexual tension with Hatake Kakashi,” Iruka said.

 Raito looked up, “You’re on belligerent sexual tension too, now?”

 “No!” Iruka said.

 “Tsundere, heavy tsun, kids. Remember, dislike and infatuation can easily be mixed up,” Mizuki said. “Moving on-”

 “Whoa, whoa, _not_ moving on!” Iruka said. “Don’t confuse them!”

 “Iruka, you’re doing worse than me,” Mizuki said. “Now, anyway, on to-”

 “Have you been telling them things?” Iruka demanded.

 “Actually, I think they somehow saw something we all missed,” Mizuki commented. “Now then-”

 “Mizuki!”

 “I think they are demonstrating ‘argumentative siblings’ for us, since Sakura-san did not provide an example,” Sai brightly told Shin.

 Shin sighed.

.o.o.o.

 “N-n-naruto-kun?” Hinata asked in surprise when she opened the door. “Um…”

 “Hi Hinata, hi Neji,” Naruto said. “So…my brothers are trying to kill each other lately. Know somewhere good I can hide until it blows over or Tsubaki-neechan or someone else makes them stop?”

 “Here,” Neji said, writing a small note. “Gai-sensei’s address. Lee’s there too. And maybe Gaara, if they’re having a sleepover.”

 “Thank you thank you thank you!” Naruto cheered, hugging them both.

 “Hinata, he’s gone,” Neji said. “You may inhale at any time.”

.o.o.o.

 “All right, I understand most of these expenses,” Sarutobi told Homura. “But why did you need your koi pond cleaned on _this_ bill?”

 “Because Iruka and Mizuki had a fight based on observations made by the ROOT kids and were nearly drowned in it by Tsubaki and my daughter-in-law to make them quit,” Hormura replied.

 “Homura, this is getting to be a bit over-expensive,” Sarutobi sighed.

 “I don’t think they’ll need too much longer—at least until where they can leave the kids with normal ninjas without trouble,” Homrua replied. “But…yes. We’re having budget issues, even with my contributions. I told Mizuki and Iruka to come up with something.”

.o.o.o.

 “So…the question is, how do we raise the money?” Mizuki muttered.

 Shin coughed softly into his hand, a habit most of the former ROOT agents had picked up as a way to ask for permission to speak. Iruka nodded and the boy said, “Could you not hold some sort of…fund-raising event?”

 “Yeah, but the chunin exams just happened,” Mizuki sighed. “People spend a lot betting on that and getting seats, we’d have to do something even better…”

 “…Like doing it with _jonin_ ,” Iruka said. “I know a lot of our dinner friends owe us various favors for help with their paperwork…”

 “…I could…get Sai to make some posters,” Shin offered shyly.

 “Oh this is going to be fun!” Mizuki said, ruffling Shin’s hair. “To watch, of course. _I’m_ not going in there.”

 “I am,” Iruka said. “Might as well prove I deserved my promotion…”

 “And that you’re not the sissy people think you are,” Mizuki said.

 “Shut up about that or you and Tsubaki aren’t going to manage to have kids.”

 “You wouldn’t.”

 “See this kunai?”

 “…You would.”

 “I thought you were supposed to cease fighting?” Sai asked.

 “Sai, let me try and explain,” Shin said quickly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes you just need fresh eyes to figure something out...like people who are only just learning what emotions and relationships are and are thus non-biased. We finally know who Iruka likes!


	37. The Epic Jonin Matchups

 Mizuki had to admit, they had an impressive roster. Along with Iruka they had Itachi, Asuma, Kisame, Kakashi, Gai, Kurenai, Anko (okay, special jonin, so?), Shisui, Itachi’s mother, Hyuuga Hiashi, about a third of the military police, some random other ninja, and even Utane Koharu had decided to get out of her councilor’s chair and kick some ass.

 Noriko and Tsubaki had agreed to do crowd control with Teams 7, 8, 10, .5, and 4, Mizuki was the commentator, and Jiraiya was the “proctor”.

 This was going to be _so_ much fun!

 “Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for coming out to this wonderful charity event to benefit both the village hospital and the Young Ninja Rehabilitation Clinic!” Mizuki said. “It has been decided by the jonin participating in this event that there will be multiple styles of matches and match-ups! Now, are you ready to see some of Konoha’s finest?”

 The crowd cheered. He was so good at this. “All right, let’s get things going—first match is two on two—Uchiha Itachi and Umino Iruka vs. Hoshigaki Kisame and Sarutobi Asuma! I remind the crowd that there will be _no_ killing, and anyone cheering for it _will_ be removed.”

.o.o.o.                                                                                           

 “Remember, stay the hell away from Samehada,” Itachi said.

 “Don’t I know it,” Iruka said. “We’ll have to make this quick, they beat us in overall stamina.”

 “If we work together we can beat Kisame, so if we just get Asuma out fast…” Itachi said.

 “They’ll know we want to do that,” Iruka said. “It’s obvious. We should take out _Kisame_ with genjutsu and then overwhelm Asuma.”

 “Equally obvious,” Itachi said. “…Iruka, you have personalized explosives like Naruto, right?”

 “Yes,” Iruka replied.

 “Excellent,” Itachi said. “Now, listen very, very carefully—I’m about to rip a plan off an insane Iwa jonin I keep running into…”

.o.o.o.

 Deidara’s nose twitched. Something was very, very wrong…

.o.o.o.

 “And get ready!” Mizuki announced. “Three…two…one…begin!”

 Kisame started with a water technique that Itachi aimed a fire one at in an attempt at countering. Iruka used a wind technique to increase its strength, coating the battlefield with steam.

 “And our combatants have forgotten that we want to see them fighting—oh, thank you Asuma for dispersing that—wait, Iruka seems to have vanished!” Mizuki said.

 Kisame tapped Samehada lightly, before smirking. “Nice try!” He swung at Asuma, dispersing the genjutsu and revealing Iruka.

 “Wait…then where’s Asuma?” Mizuki asked. A hand reached out of the ground and grabbed Itachi’s ankle. “Never mind.”

 Itachi fired Great Fireball downward, forcing Asuma to use a Body Flicker to get out of the ground.

 “Looks like we’re all feeling quite clever,” Asuma commented.

 “No killing allowed, we have to be!” Kisame laughed.

 “Do it now!” Iruka ordered.

 Itachi started going through handsigns, only for Asuma to pin him. Itachi smiled. “Sorry.” He dissolved into a puddle.

 “Okay, seriously, where the hell did he go?” Mizuki groaned. “You guys are supposed to _show off_ for the crowd, not _run off_!”

 “Maelstrom Explosion!”

 The ground under Kisame and Asuma caved in as Iruka appeared, seemingly out of thin air. “Nice genjutsu.”

 “Nice trap and Water Clone,” Itachi replied, removing his henge of Iruka.

 “Please, it was _your_ idea. Second Maelstrom!”

 The walls of the crater exploded with a sticky substance.

 “I’m calling this one, unless you two want to keep going?” Mizuki asked.

 “Just get me a shower,” Asuma sighed.

 “All right, wasn’t that great, everyone?” Mizuki asked. “Now, as you may have noticed, we’re having a mini-tournament between eight of the jonin that will be resolved in the final match! Next are the other two duos in the tourney: Hatake Kakashi and Yuuhi Kurenai vs. Maito Gai and Gekko Hayate!”

.o.o.o.

 “Nice job, Ruka-nii,” Naruto snickered. “Where’d you get the clone switching idea? Looked awesome!”

 “Itachi said he got it from an Iwa jonin who uses clay clones… _explosive_ clay clones,” Iruka replied. “How’s crowd duty going?”

 “We’re good!” Naruto said. “And from ticket sales and ten percent of the bets, we’re definitely going to fix your budget and the hospital’s! I got Sakura to crunch the numbers for me!”

 “Very nice, little Hokage-in-training,” Iruka said. “Anything else going on?”

 “Well, you know how you and Mizuki started fighting because Mizu-nii said you like Kakashi?” Naruto asked. “Well, Gaara and Shino are both trying to help Lee and Kiba with Sakura so now it’s almost two on two. Let’s just say it passed funny around three days ago and has entered ‘wait, is this one of Itachi-sensei’s genjutsu?’ territory.”

 “Wait, wait,” Itachi said. “One, how would I make a genjutsu that lasts that long when I’m not around most of you to reinforce it? And two—Iruka _likes_ _Kakashi_? Damn it, I was betting on Anko!”

 “Betting?” Iruka demanded as Naruto frowned and said, “But Anko’s with that one guy in ANBU—Mongoose!”

 “She is? Irony alert,” Itachi said. “And Iruka, did you or did you not participate in betting on when Asuma and Kurenai would start dating?”

 “No, I did _not_ ,” Iruka said. “I scolded the lot of you for it, though!”

 “Oh, right, I was thinking of Izumo and Koetsu, they got in on it at the last minute…” Itachi said. “You know, if you _do_ like Kakashi, we could probably beat him if you told him or something. Would probably put him into shock.”

 “You’re despicable,” Iruka said.

 “No, just a bit crazy, which you should note is all but a requirement for jonin. You need to work on it more—Mizuki has the right idea,” Itachi said.

.o.o.o.

 “And as Uchiha Mikoto just demonstrated, just because one lacks a Byakugan does not mean they won’t notice you sneaking up on them. Then again, she’s a mother, it might be a practiced art,” Mizuki said as Mikoto defeated several her husband’s officers in an Uchiha free-for-all. “So, since next match involves a _grandmother_ , anyone else want to be in Elder Koharu’s favor before she and Hyuuga Hiashi go at it? Or just put the medics on standby for either, that might work too!”

 “Someone’s having fun,” Neji told Tenten and Kankuro.

 “Seriously, he was _exactly_ this bad at summer camp,” Tenten added to Kankuro.

 “Really?” the puppeteer asked, using his chakra threads to redirect a toddler trying to wander. “Wonder what he was like as an academy sensei...”

 “Worse,” Shikamaru said. “Good with taijutsu and history, though.”

.o.o.o.

 “So, if we are to face Kakashi and Kurenai…I can most likely neutralize her with Reversal of Heaven and Earth if you distract Kakashi, and then we can go after him.”

 “She’ll see it coming—it’s what any Uchiha does with a genjutsu-using opponent and you know it,” Iruka said.

 “A fair point, but Kurenai’s main skill after her genjutsu is raw intellect, which both of us can match her in,” Itachi said.

 “I think it’s more likely that Kakashi will try and knock me out fast, so they can gang up on _you_ ,” Iruka said. “Got any plans for that, genius?”

 “I don’t know, teacher, you tell me,” Itachi replied. “I may have _one_ , but it involves Kakashi being open for a physical attack and possibly you sacrificing some dignity.”

 Iruka frowned, “Go on.”

.o.o.o.

 “And an excellent display from more of Konoha’s finest!” Mizuki said. “A good show from both, after all, Hiashi is considered the most powerful leaders of the Hyuuga since the clan’s founding, and Elder Koharu once assisted in literally throwing the Kyuubi outside the village walls!”

 “Does he ever stop talking?” Hiashi muttered as the medics looked over him and Koharu.

 “From what Homura and Homura’s wife have said: no,” Koharu said. “Makes you wonder how someone as nice as Tsubaki puts up with him.”

 “Presumably because she’s as nice as you say,” Hiashi replied. “That was an interesting defensive technique. I have seen Hinata trying to innovate something similar.”

 “Really?” Koharu asked. “Well, that should be useful; her team doesn’t have anyone with much defense on it. Ooh, nice one by Anko!”

 “If anyone can take it, it’s the Sandaime’s secretary,” Hiashi noted as the two women continued fighting, ignoring their third opponent, Ebisu, who seemed to be torn between running and taking pictures.

.o.o.o.

 “All right, so, we have about twenty plans, about three of which have genuinely high potential success rates, one of which you agree you will only use in an emergency,” Itachi said. “What else?”

 “It looks solid, but if Kakashi tries to kill me later I blame you,” Iruka replied.

 “Don’t worry, he won’t. He likes you too. The last person to try and take one of his books almost got stabbed a few times,” Itachi said. “You only get exasperation. He _must_ like you.”

.o.o.o.

 “The big finale!” Mizuki announced. “The best of the best! Yuuhi Kurenai and Hatake Kakashi vs. Uchiha Itachi and my little brother Umino Iruka!”

 “That’s it. Tournament, then beat up Mizuki,” Iruka huffed.

  “I don’t blame him. If I ever get to announce for a tournament, Sasuke will be trying to kill me for a week afterwards,” Itachi said, smirking. “Older brother prerogative.”

 “Okay, so we both remember plan Y,” Iruka said.

 “Yes, why?” Itachi asked.

 “Because they look like they’re going to do what we thought they might for that one,” Iruka argued quietly.

 Sure enough, Kakashi managed to get behind Iruka as soon as Jiraiya announced the beginning of the match. Itachi saw and intercepted, leaving Iruka to quickly engage Kurenai physically before she had time for any illusions.

 “Someone’s got something to prove,” Kurenai said.

 “Well, if I’m ever in charge of a mission, I don’t need anyone thinking I’m soft,” Iruka said.

 “Soft, _please_?” Kurenai chuckled, nicking his arm with a kunai to give herself an opening to gain distance. “Half the jonin know what you and Mizuki did before the finals…” She vanished in a swirl of petals that began to engulf their part of the field.

.o.o.o.

 “Why is everyone forgetting that we paid to see something?” Jiraiya sighed as Iruka vanished into the petal swirl.

 “I think Itachi and Kakashi have that covered,” Mizuki replied. “Ooh, lighting to lightning, very nice.”

 “Surprised Kakashi didn’t come out on top there—lightning’s his main affinity,” Jiraiya said.

 “Yeah well, when it comes to Itachi managing something that shouldn’t be that easily managed, I tend to just go ‘eh, it’s Itachi’ and move on—Holy shit!” Mizuki yelled as Kurenai was knocked out of the petal-cloud by a burst of water. “Ladies and gentlemen, that seems to have been an excellent use of Umino Iruka’s Sound-Location technique— _yeah_ , like a dolphin’s, stop laughing at him.”

 “Sound location?” Kurenai asked.

 “Like a dolphin, as Mizuki admitted,” Iruka replied. “You may have hidden yourself to normal senses, but a sensory technique could pick you out.”

 “Looks like you did deserve the promotion after all,” Kurenai said. “Hidden Shadow Snake Hands!”

 The crowd’s jaws dropped.

 “Come on, like I wasn’t going to show _somebody_!” Anko complained. “Besides, Kure-chan needed stuff for when people get around the basics before she can pull off a major technique…”

 “It’s fine, Anko-san,” Ino said quickly.

 “Looked cool to me,” Temari added.

 “And kind of sexy,” Asuma mused, before Anko tried to sock him.

 Iruka bolted from the snakes until he was near Itachi, banking on one thing and one thing only…

 “Phoenix Sage Fire Jutsu!”

 …that Itachi would see snakes and think of Orochimaru. Iruka glanced over his shoulder, “Sorry, Kurenai!”

 The genjutsu users both froze, apparently having a mental fight. Iruka dropped to his knees as Kakashi went over him, quickly making a couple of water clones as he stood back up.

 “Oh, that’s not going to help you,” Kakashi told him, making two Shadow Clones in return.

 “I can try. We both know Kurenai can only hold out against Itachi, not beat him,” Iruka said, directing a hidden third clone to hold something up.

 “Yes, but if she holds out long enough and I beat you, then our team will win overall,” Kakashi replied.

 “But you won’t beat me,” Iruka said. “Because I’ll burn the manuscript for the un-published Icha Icha Tactics.” He nodded as the third clone came into view and lit a match over a scroll.

 “… _What_?” Most of the crowd yelled.

 “He’ll do it,” Sakura agreed.

 “Nobody dislikes those books more than Iruka,” Noriko added.

 “…Huh,” Mizuki said.

 “Yeah…” Jiraiya mused. “I know he’s gutsy, but going through my stuff? Impressive…”

 “No, no, that’s not it…” Mizuki said. “It’s just…I dunno…he doesn’t hate the books just…people reading them in public. He’s not the book burning sort…”

 Kurenai dropped.

 “She’ll be up in five minutes!” Itachi said, quickly rushing Kakashi. “Good job, Iruka!”

 Kakashi snatched the scroll from the clone, kicked it and one other into Iruka, dispatched the last, and jumped over Itachi while tossing the scroll to Jiraiya.

 “This isn’t mine,” the Toad Hermit said. “This is a library scroll with my name on it for some…clever bastard…”

 “Like I’d really have every one of your fans after my hide!” Iruka laughed, chucking a shuriken at Kakashi to back him up from Itachi.

 “That was just _rude_ ,” Kakashi huffed, grabbing the Uchiha genius’ arm and wrestling him to the ground.

 Itachi squirmed a bit, found he had no leverage, and shot Iruka a look.

 Iruka frowned, remembering Itachi’s comments. He might as well try…

 He lunged for Kakashi, knocking him away from Itachi, who quickly regrouped. They landed in a rough tumble, and Iruka decided to go for broke and kissed him.

 About two-thirds of the crowd started cheering.

 Iruka pulled back, “I just did that, didn’t I?”

 “Yes,” Kakashi said.

 “…Sorry.”

 “Next time, pick somewhere more private,” Kakashi said. “It’s weird getting kissed through my mask.” He pecked Iruka on the cheek.

 “Kakashi, you’d better treat Ruka-nii right!” Naruto yelled.

 “So, he and Mizuki going to kill me?” Kakashi asked as he and Iruka got up.

 “No, I think they both guessed it. So only if I tell them to,” Iruka said.

 “Iruka-sensei!” Sai called. “Is that the most acceptable way to confess feelings to someone?”

 Shin sighed, “I’ll explain later…” Eru and Raito snickered.

 “Thank you all for your donations and bets,” Mizuki snickered into the mike. “I don’t think we’re going to top that, so we’re calling it here!”

 Itachi, still on the field, shrugged and headed into the stands. “He’s right. We can’t top Hatake Kakashi admitting he likes someone.”

 “And it’s our little Iruka, too!” Anko gushed. “Oh, you’re all _adorable_!”

 “Make her _stop_ ,” Noriko said. “Her squee is disturbing…”

 “This is worth pretending to burn my manuscript,” Jiraiya said. “I _do_ need to branch out into the ladies market though… Hey, Anko, tell me if this sounds any good you…”

.o.o.o.

 “And once again, all is right with the world,” Mizuki said as he, Tsubaki, and Homura finished stocking the ROOT kids’ food for the next month.

 “Mizuki, our dear little brother has pissed off a lot of single ladies…and single men,” Tsubaki said.

 “Hey, at least it was fun, right?” Mizuki asked.

 “Where is Iruka?” Homura asked.

 “He and Kakashi decided to try figuring out ground rules,” Mizuki said. “So Naruto’s hiding at the Nara house until they’re done.”

 “Oh my,” Homura chuckled. “And here I was thinking it was the ROOT kids who were a handful…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next time: a retrieval mission! Just...not the one you're used to...


End file.
